Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element
~15~

I first walked past the school nurse to have my wrist checked, after all, I had promised Tim.

The school nurse also concluded that my wrist was not broken, but badly bruised. I got a stretch bandage to support me and made my way to the last lesson. Luckily I was able to use my wrist’s excuse for being late.

I entered the biology classroom and everyone was staring at me. How I hated this. I walked softly to my table when the teacher called me back. “Mrs. Lelieveld, aren’t you forgetting something?” he said diplomatically, holding up a yellow note. Jesus, did they never have mercy here? I walked to the desk and automatically took the note with my left hand. He glanced at my bandaged wrist. I glared at him and walked to my desk without saying a word. Eva who sat at the front of the class looked at me questioningly and Bas who sat two tables next to me also looked at me for a moment. I shrugged and rolled my eyes and gestured that I would explain it to them later. Sandra was also in the front of the class, close to the teacher, but she didn’t look up, she looked very interested in her textbook.

“Okay students, like I said before.” And he looked annoyed at me, I think I looked back even more annoyed. I really had to try to calm down again. “You will have a guest teacher today. He will give a lesson about his profession. He’s a newly graduated police officer and wants you to stay on the straight and narrow.” On that last sentence, he winked at us and laughed at himself, as if he were really, really funny. I was curious who it was, probably a colleague of Dad’s. The door opened and a young officer in a uniform walked in. He turned to the class and looked at us. Oh no, that could also be added. It was the young cop who was at the front desk when I went to visit Dad at the station. Agent Jerry, and I probably got him in trouble, but then again, he had acted like an asshole.

He introduced himself and walked over to each student. When he came to me, his eyes rested for a moment and then said, “As I see some in this class have already met the police.” He seemed to smile sarcastically at me and continued. I saw that some students looked surprised in my direction. Well, he had his way, probably after this lesson the story would go around that I was some dangerous criminal.

His lesson was mainly about how to avoid the danger and that we should not use alcohol and drugs. That we should not be tempted to do wrong things. He had brought pictures and videos to give us a fright how things can turn out if you don’t follow the rules. I saw some of the students grimacing and Officer Jerry started laughing again and starting to act like a smartass.

If I had known in advance that he was coming, I would have gone straight home. I heaved a deep sigh and rested my head on my hands. I was glad we could go home after this.

Jerry was doing his closing talk. “Okay kids, I hope you’ve learned something from this and that I don’t run into you when I’m on duty. As I said before, be careful with alcohol and drugs. Try not to get into dangerous situations and always keep your wits about you. There are also gangs around here, don’t make them angry, because they will hit you back three times as hard.′ As he said that, he looked back at me. Again with that smug smile. My heart skipped a beat, did he really say this? I lifted my head and looked at him confused and questioning. How could he say this? He certainly had a professional secret! What an asshole to say this in a full class, hopefully the other students hadn’t made the connection, but I sure did. I was again flooded with sadness and anger, and this is not the first time today. I got so tired of it. The whole accident was the fault of such a rotten gang. And now he was joking about it? I would have rated a police officer more highly. What he said next I didn’t hear anymore, I only heard the blood racing through my head with anger. I wanted to confront him about it, but of course I couldn’t. Or could I?

Suddenly everyone got up and grabbed their bag and went out of the room, busy talking, celebrating the weekend. Jerry was talking to the teacher. “Julia, are you coming with me?” Eva called, Bas was standing next to her. “Yes, you go ahead, I’ll be right there, I still have to do something.” She looked at me questioningly, but shrugged and walked away. When everyone was out of the class I walked forward to Jerry. I stood next to him and he looked at me questioningly. “What did that mean?” I said angrily to him. He looked at me questioningly. “Sorry, I don’t know what you mean,” he said hypocritically. “You know damn well what I mean”, I said to him, without noticing I pointed my finger in his direction.

“Mrs Lelieveld, this is very inappropriate, leave my room. Otherwise you will get another note”, my teacher said to me angrily.

“No, it’s okay Frank, just let me,” Jerry said to my teacher, looking at me quizzically. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into the back of the classroom. My teacher didn’t need to hear about this. “You really know what I’m talking about. That you make fun of me in front of the whole class because I’ve supposedly already been in contact with the police, okay, I can handle that. But that last thing you said about gangs, that’s very low of you. How can you do such a thing?” I was really angry, but I also felt sad and scared. What if someone knew?

“Sorry, I really don’t know what you’re talking about, sorry for making fun of you in front of the whole class, but why are you so concerned about gangs? That was just a joke too.” He looked at me uncomprehendingly. I studied his face. Oh god, he really didn’t know. He meant what he said. But why did he say it about those gangs? He probably saw my confused look.

“Are you okay?” he said to me. He seemed concerned.

“You don’t know,” I told him.

“Don’t know what?” he asked, still incomprehensibly.

“I thought you’d know, and get back to me. I......” My thoughts were racing, would he really mean it about those gangs? What if Daddy was back on a gang-related case. No, he couldn’t.

“Jerry? Are there really gangs active here?” He looked at me confused.

“Yeah, I told you so,” he said to me and looked at me suspiciously. “How so?”

“Well, do you know if my father is involved in such a case?”

“Your father? Yes I think so, what is it then?”

No, that was not possible. Why would he do that? Those other gangs killed my mother and almost killed me too, he wouldn’t risk it again, would he? I felt the panic grow in my chest again. I thought I was going to hyperventilate again. I sat down on a desk and held my head in my hands to convince myself to breathe in and out slowly. I couldn’t handle this yet, I thought we were safe, but with those gangs we’ll never be safe again. Especially not if Dad’s working on one of those cases again. I had to speak to him, I had to speak to daddy, how could he do this?

“Are you all right? Is there anything I can do for you?” This time Jerry sounded really concerned. I lifted my head and looked at him.

“Are you still going to the office?” I asked him.

“Yes, why?”

“Can you give me a lift?” He looked at me uncomprehendingly, but he could see that I meant it.

“Yeah, fine, I’m leaving now.” I nodded and stood up.

We walked out of the classroom and the teacher looked at us quizzically, I didn’t feel the need to say hello. Eva and Bas were standing on the school steps.

“I’m driving with Jerry to the station, I need to talk to my father. If I make it, I’ll come watch your game tonight, okay?”

“Yeah, hope to see you tonight,” Eva said.

“Julia, are you all right? You look upset”, Bas said to me with concern.

“Yes, I’m okay, I’ll talk to you tonight?”

“Yes, I’ll reserve a spot for you.”

“Thank you, see you tonight!”

The twins said goodbye and we walked to the police car.

We drove to the office. It was a short 10 minute drive.

“Jerry? Sorry about that. I’m just having a bad day and when you said those things I just had to do something about it.” He looked at me for a moment.

“Could happen, I didn’t mean to upset you like that. I’ve had trouble with that little prank you played on me at the station, so that’s why I was such a jerk. This was not the intention.”

“Aha, I see, to be honest you weren’t the nicest yourself,” I told him.

“You’re not the only one who sometimes has a bad day,” he said with a half smile. I tried to smile back and looked outside.

“Say Jerry, please don’t say anything we talked about?”

He looked at me questioningly. “Basically we talked about nothing, because I don’t know anything,” he told me.

“Great, let’s just stick with that then?” I asked him.

He seemed to think for a moment. “Yes, that’s fine,” he finally said.

I noticed it was a relief. Grateful for wanting to keep my outburst to himself, especially all the gang stuff.

Moments later, he parked the car next to the police station.

“Thanks for the lift,” I said gratefully.

“It’s all right, and I’m sorry I was such a jerk.”

“Of the same,” I told him.

I walked into the office and went up the stairs. Suddenly I felt the anger rise again. Why I was here. I knocked on Dad’s office door and walked in. My father stood with his three colleagues around the large table in the middle, on which all kinds of photos were scattered. He looked at me questioningly.

“Julia? Is everything okay dear?” He probably saw the anger on my face, because he looked a bit confused at me.

“Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Yes, of course, just say so,” he said calmly. I saw his colleagues look up for a moment, curious probably where this was going.

“Perhaps privately?”

My father waved his hand in a gesture.

“That’s not necessary, is it?” he said. He was probably convinced I wouldn’t make a fuss if his colleagues were there. Or rather, that I wouldn’t make a fuss at all, because I never do. I shrugged.

Then he should know for himself.

“Is it true?” I said to him.

“Is what true?” He looked at me questioningly.

“Is it true you’re on a case involving a gang?” He looked startled. So it was true, he didn’t need words to tell me that. I felt the anger bubbling up inside me and my eyes beginning to sting with tears. “How can you do that? After all that’s happened? What do you think, that you are God or something?”

I was furious, I screamed it out. Dad looked very shocked and hurt, his colleagues looked uneasy.

“Julia, this is not fair,” he told me.

“Not fair? Have you forgotten what happened the last time you were on such a case? Not me, Dad, not me, I still experience it every day.” Tears were now running down my cheeks. When I said that, he looked at me wide-eyed. I saw the confusion in his eyes, the pain and the sadness, but he said nothing.

“This is unbelievable.” I walked away, but Daddy grabbed my upper arm.

“Wait, what do you want me to say? You think I don’t have a hard time with it? That I can just quit a case? You know this isn’t possible!”

“Can you? I think you just don’t want to stop. You just want to work on it so you feel like you’re doing the right thing, well you don’t Dad. In contrast to that, you work all day, you never see your daughter, you don’t know what’s going on. This would be a fresh start, well it’s exactly the same as before, except I’m in a new school and all my friends live three hundred miles away. This is not a fresh start. You’re just running again. Throw yourself into work so you don’t have to think about anything else, not the accident, not Mom and not me.”

Now all I felt was sadness. I wiped the tears from my face and didn’t know what to say. I didn’t mean to say all this, but somehow Dad’s response challenged me to say whatever came to mind.

“I..., sorry Dad, I shouldn’t have said all that.” I looked at him, my vision was blurred. Through my tears I saw that he still looked shocked and sad. He probably didn’t know what to say either. I also saw some annoyance in his eyes. He looked around his office and I followed suit. His colleagues had left the office and closed the door.

Finally he said something.

“Shall I take you home?”

I looked at him in disbelief.

“Is that all you can say?” I said wearily. He didn’t look at me, but pretended that something very interesting was happening outside.

“No need, I’m going to school, watching a volleyball game.” I waited for a response or a gesture, something to show that he might understand me, but it never came. He nodded, walked to his desk and sat down. I was disappointed with everything, with everything I had said, with how Dad had reacted to that. I’d said things I thought I’d never say and he didn’t even respond.

I shrugged and walked out of the office. I ran into his colleagues at the coffee machine and they all looked at me differently. One shocked, the other compassionate and one even angry. I tried not to put up with it, but at the time it was very, very difficult. I had made myself so vulnerable that I did care.