Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element
~21~

Sam stood there with a big smile on his face looking at me. I jumped up. All kinds of feelings ran through me. Oh, how nice he was. He was tall and muscular. His dark blond hair had grown out and was nicely styled. His beautiful gray-green eyes looked at me surprised but also lovingly. He spread his arms. “Hi.” Was all I said and he took me in his arms and kissed me on the mouth. I kissed back and he let go of me so I could look at him. A shiver ran through my body.

He looked at me for a moment, I saw that he looked dubious, but that quickly turned into a sweet smile.

“I saw you on the dance floor and only one person can dance like you,” he said, impressed. “Sam. I’m amazed to see you here.”

“Then you’re not alone.”

I smiled back at him and gave him a small squeeze in the upper arms I was still holding, letting him know that I really enjoyed seeing him. At first I thought he wouldn’t even feel it, his arms were so hard. But he gave me a loving squeeze of the waist to say that these feelings were mutual.

It was so weird. We had known each other for a week, but understood each other very well. As if we’ve known each other for years.

I turned around and saw Bas look at me with a questioning look. I grabbed Sam’s hand and walked over to Bas.

“Bas this is Sam, Sam this is Bas.”

Sam extended his hand to Bas amicably and Bas answered him with a slightly forced smile. Gosh, he really hated that Zoe wasn’t here yet.

Sam looked at me a little quizzically and sadly.

“Is that your boyfriend? Because then I have to apologize for that kiss”, he said a little uncomfortably.

“No, that’s a friend. Do I have to apologize to someone for that kiss?”, I retorted. He smiled with relief. “No, you don’t have to apologize to anyone.”

In other words, he currently has no girlfriend. Which I actually thought was weird, because he was a really nice and sweet boy.

“Shall we?” And he nodded to the dance floor.

“Absolutely.” I really got the hang of it. I really felt that on that dance floor I could take my mind off everything and really enjoy it.

We walked together to the dance floor where I saw Peet and his girlfriend still dancing together. Without saying anything to each other, we let our bodies move with each other to the rhythm. It felt wonderful. I had danced with Sam before, and we were a good fit. Each curve of our bodies fitted into the other’s. We moved smoothly and skillfully to the music that echoed through the hall. I saw that Sam was enjoying himself too. He looked at me intensely with his beautiful eyes.

His hands sank further and further towards my ass, allowing him to take charge of the movements we made together. It didn’t feel bad, quite the opposite in fact. It felt good to see someone hold me in a loving manner.

It was only a week that we really got to know each other. But the contact was immediately intense. We had gotten to know each other’s bodies during our intimate moments. Which now only worked in our favor on the dance floor. After half an hour he pulled me back to the side of the dance floor towards the lounge where Eddie sat with Yvonne and Bas.

He took two black cards from his back pocket and showed them to me. Those square black cards read “VIP” in big blue letters.

“Shall we catch up?”

I looked surprised at the cards, how did he get them? But I nodded at his question. “Okay”.

He took my hand and started to walk to the exit. “Wait a minute,” I told him.

I bowed to Bas, who was still sitting alone and didn’t like it.

“We’re going to go to a quieter place to chat. I’ll see you again later?”

Bas nodded and that was that. I shrugged and let Sam lead me to the exit. I didn’t feel like worrying about Bas now. We had plenty of time on the way back to talk about his feelings.

Sam turned toward the grand stairs that converged at the glass door. He opened the door and immediately a tall slender lady in a neat black suit came up to us. Sam showed her the cards and she gave us a warm smile.

“Welcome, this way.” And she led us into the room.

It was a very strange sight. There were long white curtains everywhere from the ceiling to the floor, forming small round rooms. In the room, the light slowly changed from one color to another. The music that seemed to come from everywhere was soft lounge music. The atmosphere was relaxed and laid back. She stopped at a small room with the curtains still open. Between the curtains were all white soft pillows.

She motioned us to go in, Sam thanked her and she closed the curtains behind us. It seemed as if we were in a large luxurious white tent with incredibly soft inviting cushions.

I looked around a little incredulously. I had never been in a VIP area before. Let alone with a guy like Sam. He looked at me inquiringly and a little concerned. Without saying a word, he lay down on the pillows.

“Gosh, a year ago,” he said incredulously as he lay stretched out on the round cushions with his hands folded under his head.

It looked comfortable and I followed suit. I lay down next to him.

“Yeah, a year ago,” I said affirmatively.

Thoughts went through my head. A year ago when I met Sam there was nothing going on at all. It didn’t feel like a year later. I felt older, more mature. I felt like I couldn’t enjoy things as much as I had a year ago. It was great fun with Sam then. We were on vacation and we were inseparable for a week. After that week, we both felt like it was better to just stay friends because we lived so far away from each other. We texted and spoke occasionally on Facebook, but that has all really faded after the accident. I wondered if he was mad at me. After the accident I didn’t need anything anymore. Including contact with friends. In hindsight, of course, that was the stupidest thing I could have done. I could actually seek support from my friends, but I just couldn’t muster it because I couldn’t talk about it. Still not.

“I missed you,” he said with a small smile.

“Sorry,” I told him.

He turned on his side with his head resting on his hand to look at me.

I turned my head to look at him. He looked serious.

“What happened?” His eyes were questioning.

He hadn’t even bothered to ask if I was feeling well like everyone else. He had probably already seen that I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t the same Julia from last year. Then I was happy and in for a laugh. We had done crazy things on the holiday and had a lot of fun together. He fooled me and I him. I let out a big sigh. I was weighing everything up. It was so hard for me to talk about it. But I knew it would be good for me. For once don’t tell it it was an accident, but tell the real truth. I’m sure Hannah would be proud of me if I told you. And of course Sam was the right person for it. I knew him, but I didn’t see him every day, so I wouldn’t be confronted with it every time. But maybe he would respond so well that it prompted me to tell even more people about it. I took the plunge and went to tell him. As difficult as it would be. Once I had to take the first step and I would now. This was a new start and that included these kinds of things. I took another deep breath and he still waited quietly as he took in me.

“My mother passed away,” I said with a heavy heart. I’d decided that’s how I’d start, maybe he’d be happy with it. What I actually hoped. But maybe not.

I saw his eyebrows meet and he looked at me sadly. But he also seemed to be thinking. I probably had waited too long with answers that he was looking for more.

He met my mother during the holidays last year. She was a beautiful healthy woman. She didn’t look ill at the time, so logically he thought it was an accident. And he did. Most wouldn’t even dare to ask. But yes, on the other hand. He worked in a juvenile detention center as a mentor. So he knew how to handle these things.

“By accident?”

“You could call it that.” I looked at him and he waited.

I felt my eyes start to sting, no Julia, you have to keep your head up. Now anyway. Now I finally wanted to tell someone. I tried to block my emotions.

“She was murdered... and I was there.”

He looked at me incomprehensibly, his eyes widening slightly from the shock he just had to process.

“Oh my god, Julia!” And with those words he grabbed me tight.

He broke free again and now lay against me. He was still looking at me intently.

I hadn’t said anything more. I had the images of that infamous day back in my head and it would be a while before they were out.

“Is that why you have this scar?” And he went very slowly with his hand to my scar, to give me a chance to stop it, but I didn’t. He touched it very gently with his fingertips. It felt strange. No one had ever touched it. He touched me so lovingly and protectively that I felt a lump in my throat. I nodded to answer his question.

“Can you talk about it, or...?” He raised his shoulders. To let me know that he didn’t even know anymore.

I cleared my throat for a moment, so that I felt I could get out of my words.

“I think so, I’ve never told anyone.” My voice sounded a little hoarse. I didn’t count the therapists I told, because they knew what had happened even though I hadn’t told them yet.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

I nodded again, to give myself some courage.

“Yes, I’ll have to tell you one day. And after never responding to your texts and emails, I do owe it to you.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” And he hugged me gently.

He turned onto his back so that I lay on my side against him. His arm was around my shoulder, putting my head on his chest. I felt his chest rise and fall gently with his breathing. I put my spare hand on his hard stomach. He squeezed my shoulder gently to tell me it was okay, that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. That squeeze made me know I had to do it. There was no other time to tell. I decided to start at the beginning.

“My father is a police officer and he had solved a big case that they had been working on for years. A number of gang members were arrested by my father and sentenced for a very long time.”

I thought back to how relieved my father was that it was all over.

“Not long after that, one Friday, I came home through the back door.” As I told it, I saw it all again in my mind. “I called my mom but got no answer, which was weird because she should be home. I continued to the living room. I saw that the sofa had slid a little towards the wall, as if someone had fallen very hard on it. Other than that, there was nothing strange, but I still had a very bad feeling. I just felt something was wrong. I wanted to walk back to the kitchen to get my phone out of my bag. As I turned and took a few steps, I heard footsteps behind me. I looked around and saw a man holding a gun. He pointed it at me and told me to come along. I didn’t know how I managed it, but I followed him into the dining room. When I got a better view of the dining room, I saw her sitting there. She was tied to a chair. She looked very scared and another man put his hands over her mouth so she couldn’t say anything. When he saw me he loosened his hand and told my mother not to say anything. He took the gun from the man who was pointing it at me and pointed it at my mother. Immediately I felt a sharp pain in my throat. He held a knife to it. He stood behind me and led me to the seat next to her, where I was also tied up. I remember how my mother and I exchanged glances.”

I had to take a deep breath before I could continue. I swallowed my tears and tried to move on.

“So they probably knocked her against the couch because she had a wound over her left eye that left a trail of blood across her face. I knew I shouldn’t say anything, but I just managed to say “why”. The man behind me held the knife even harder against my throat, breaking my skin. I felt small slow streams of blood run down my throat. He said I wasn’t allowed to talk. But he did answer my question. He told me that my father had killed his father and that he had made sure that his brother and uncle were in prison for the rest of their lives. He explained subtly that he wouldn’t take it, just like his other brother who was holding my mother at gunpoint. With a sarcastic laugh he said he was going to do the same to my father. And then he was silent again. I heard my mother sobbing, she was so scared. I looked at her to try to calm her down, but I couldn’t. Not long after, my father came home. The man holding my mother at gunpoint stood behind the door and knocked him unconscious immediately. He tied my father against my mother and me. When my father came by they explained in great detail what was going on and why they were there. I will never forget the emotions I saw in his eyes. He looked at us both. He was sorry, he felt responsible. He still is, by the way.”

I stopped again. I thought back to my father for a moment. I knew it had been hell for him. He felt guilty every day for what had happened. No matter how many times I’ve told him not to, it didn’t help. At some point I stopped doing it.

“Ultimately, the men’s concern was for my father to suffer as much as they had. They abused me and my mother. My mother was much worse off than me. I saw her getting weaker and weaker. I myself had trouble keeping up. The blade had cut deeper and deeper and I was losing large amounts of blood quickly. I was dizzy. It’s that my mother screamed so much that I didn’t slip into my subconscious. They also got a hold of my father a couple of times because he wouldn’t stop yelling at the two men. That eventually ensured that the police were alerted and our house was surrounded by the entire force. The police came in and at that very moment one of the men shot my mother in front of us. I felt the other man cut the knife even deeper into my throat and my blood dripped over me in warm spurts. I slipped into the darkness and woke up in the hospital. I don’t think I was meant to survive.”