Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element
~23~

When I got home I felt even worse about the whole situation. I started to doubt myself. Had I really behaved the way Bas interpreted it? No, surely? I had answered my feelings and it felt really good. I really wouldn’t have done this with just any guy I first met there. Last year Sam had been my boyfriend for a while. And we had fun together. We were honest with each other and it felt familiar. Especially now that I had overcome my fear and told him about the accident.

I didn’t want a disagreement with Bas at all, or was it perhaps an argument? I knew I didn’t owe him, but I really tended to let him hear my side of the story. He had to know why I had behaved this way to understand me. I didn’t feel like exposing myself like that, but I really thought it was necessary to keep our friendship the way it was. I sat down at my desk and started writing.

Dear Bass,

I’m very sorry about what happened tonight. I don’t want to argue with you. I really like our friendship. I’ll tell you my side of the story. I just want to say that what you said makes me very sad. You know me, but not well enough to judge me like that. I know you’ve had a bad night, but you don’t have to take it out on me. And certainly not in such a hurtful way.

I met Sam about a year ago. We had a good time together and that was it. A relationship was not possible for us. Seeing Sam tonight felt so familiar. Suddenly everything seemed like it was a year ago. Why I thought that was so important is because my mother was still alive a year ago. I was happy then and enjoying life. When I saw Sam I felt a spark of that feeling again. I surrendered myself to it. It felt good and I needed it.

I hope you understand it. I didn’t want to tell this at first and keep it to myself, but I think our friendship is more important than that.

Love Julia

I knew it was a short note, but it contained everything I wanted to say. I cleaned up everything and went to bed.

Sunday was a beautiful day. It was cold, but the sun was shining. I got up with the thought of going to my mother’s grave. I looked on the internet for the train schedule. It would take about an hour and a half and then a taxi to the cemetery. I would be on the road for about two hours. It was now eleven o’clock, I could still do it easily.

I called my father to say I wanted to go to Mom’s grave. He couldn’t come because of his job. But he was okay with me going. If only I could be reached so he could always call to make sure everything was going well. With that appointment I set out by taxi. I would first give the letter to Bas and then go to the station.

We stopped at the barrier and I walked to the cottage. It was Peter, he was also there with the Halloween party.

“Good morning, what can I do for you?”

“Good morning, I would like to ask you to inform Bas Rondebal that this letter is ready for him.” And I gave him the letter.

He looked at me questioningly. “You can also give it yourself,” he said, pointing to the barrier. “No thanks, I don’t have time.”

“Fine, I’ll let him know.”

“Friendly thanks.”

And I got back in the taxi. If I wasn’t wrong, Peter seemed to smile. Maybe he thought it was a love letter.

Fortunately, the train journey went well. No delay or anything like that. I’d had a long time to think about last night. I checked again all evening and came to the conclusion that Bas had no right to speak like that. I had given him no reason at all. Just maybe my shirt didn’t fit right. Other than that, he hasn’t seen us intimately or anything like that.

I immediately thought of Lucas too. I felt a little guilty towards him. I knew we had nothing to do with each other, but I still felt something for him.

With Sam, we had a connection and an unwritten understanding that made us feel good. And a big part was also the familiar feeling. And the freedom it had given me when I told him everything. How good I felt then. I never dreamed I could feel this way. I had passed all the scenarios in my head, what it would be like if I told someone. But I never imagined what had really happened. I still felt a blush on my cheeks and a warm feeling in my stomach when I thought about it. That something like that felt so good.

I tried to put it off me. It had happened and I had enjoyed it. It was nice.

Lucas and I weren’t together, and maybe we never were.

When I arrived at the station I felt a bit strange. I tended to go to our old house, past my friends, to say hello to everyone. I knew I didn’t have time for that now. Then I really should come over for a weekend. When I was in the taxi my father called where I was. He was worried about me, which was kind of weird actually. Because at home he hardly ever called and now that I was here he did. Maybe he was scared because I was here all alone, here where it had all happened.

The cemetery was quiet and peaceful.

I walked along the gravel path to my mother’s grave. The tree that was so beautifully green weeks ago was now beginning to bare. I sat down by the stone, it lit up nicely in the sun. Suddenly I felt my eyes sting. I saw her again before me covered in blood and with big fearful eyes. I shook my head to get the image out of my mind. I breathed in and out a few times. It was harder than I thought. Only nine months ago we were standing here in the rain. I came out of the hospital that morning. I still had the bandage on my throat and struggled to stand on my feet all day. I remember how tired and weak I felt from all the blood I had lost. Where I was now, my father and I stood side by side, saying goodbye to Mama. I could never say goodbye to her. At most I can give it a place in my heart, but goodbye? Never. She will always be with me. That spot in my heart is still a big gaping hole that still hurts immensely.

A fresh start was easier said than done. Now that I was sitting here like this again, it all felt exactly the same. Pain, confusion, anger. That emptiness.

Last night I felt a bit like old Julia again. Sam made me feel like my old self again. The void in my heart was not filled, but the edges were less sharp. Until I got into a fight with Bas in the car. I was lifted from my daze of a year ago, back to reality.

There I was, alone at mom’s grave.

I vented my heart to Mom. I told her everything I had been through the past weeks. Suddenly I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I looked at the screen and saw that it was Bas. He must have read the letter.

“With Julia.”

“Hi. With Bass.”

“Hi.”

It was quiet for a while.

“Where are you?”

Now it was quiet on my side.

“At my mother’s grave.”

“Oh.”

Quiet again.

“You?”

“I’m home, I actually wanted to come visit you.”

“I’m taking the four o’clock train, so I think I’ll be home a little before six.”

“May I come by then?”

“Yes, well, see you then.”

“See you later.” And he hung up.

I was glad he called. That meant he wanted to talk about it. I said goodbye to Mom and went to the station by taxi. Luckily the train was not delayed. In the taxi home I had texted Dad that I was almost home. Dad sent one back that surprisingly he was at work.

When the taxi stopped in front of my house, I saw Bas sitting on the front doorstep. When he saw me coming he stood up and looked at me a little uncomfortably. I paid the taxi driver who was joking about my “welcome committee” and got out of the taxi and walked over to Bas.

“Hi.” He stood on his feet with his hands in his pockets.

“Hey, do you want to come in?”

He nodded. “Gladly.”

I opened the front door and led him into the kitchen.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“Yeah.” And he shrugged. It was clear he wasn’t comfortable. I actually wanted something to eat too, because I was very hungry, but I thought it better that I would wait a while. I poured two Cokes and led him into the living room where I sat down on the couch. I put his Coke next to mine as a sign that he could just sit next to me. So he did.

I looked at him questioningly.

“I read your letter.”

I just nodded. “I’m glad about that.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve come to conclusions I shouldn’t have. I just had a shitty night.”

“I’m sorry you had a shitty night, but you really hurt me.”

“I know, I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m glad you said that.” And I took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

He breathed a sigh of relief and squeezed back. “Thank you,” was all he said. I could see from him that he was glad I forgave him. I wouldn’t soon forget, but I could forgive him. It was of course annoying that he had had a shitty evening. But I felt like shit for nine months, that was no reason to hurt anyone else. On the other hand, I was able to adjust to it in those nine months. For Bas, who otherwise always felt good about himself, the roguish boy he always is, it will be a lot to feel that way and he then took it out on the wrong person.

“Tell me. Didn’t she show up?” I looked at him compassionately.

He shrugged again.

“No, I called her and she said she’d met another boy. She felt really bad about it, but this boy lived near her. And we’d only seen each other a few times.” He was silent for a moment and looked straight ahead.

“But we really clicked. I just hate it.”

He was really honest. Better reasonable.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Thank you.” And he gave me a small smile which I returned.

“Can I do something for you?”

I didn’t have much experience with a broken heart. So I didn’t know what he needed, maybe mine friendship was enough for now?

“No thanks. I just have to get over it.”

He looked at me for a moment.

“I’m really sorry, Julia, I’ve gone beyond my limits. I had no right to judge you.” He lowered his eyes.

“Bas, look at me.” He looked at me with remorseful eyes.

“That can happen, we’ve talked about it and we now know from each other what’s going on. Let’s forget about it?”

“Let’s forget about it!”

He sounded really relieved. Even though I had only been here a few weeks, our friendship seemed important to him too.

“Are you hungry?”

“Like a horse.”

“Good, come, then I’ll go make us some food.” And he walked me into the kitchen.