Knowing Jude
Chapter 23

I admit, the first thought to cross my mind is to leave.

Then Jax lets out a broken sob and my heart squeezes behind my ribs.

I imagine Angeline hovering somewhere around, watching us. It's something I do a lot, and I know it might sound stupid or creepy but I can't seem to be able to control it. I have always been paranoid, so I always imagine she's in my room, or in class where we would sit together, and half of the time I would almost believe that she's going to show up.

It sounds messed up, and I'm sure if Dad knew the sort of thoughts I have he would most probably make me have sessions with one of his colleagues or something like that.

I can't push the thoughts out though, because every time I think of her it always ends up in the lines of what if she's here? What would she do? What would she say? What did she use to do, say, et cetera?

Right now I'm sure of one thing though, she wouldn't want me to leave Jax all broken and in tears. I'm not in the best state to comfort anyone, but maybe we can be broken together and it will be fine.

I pull my headphones down to my neck and take a step forward. His head snaps backwards, his eyes going wide as he sees me. He quickly turns back and starts wiping hurriedly at his face. I've already seen it though, the heartbreaking look in his bloodshot eyes, and how vulnerable he looks. The last time I had seen him lose it was that dark period three months ago, and it might not seem possible but he looks worse now.

I close the remaining distance and lower myself onto the steps, but he's already rising, making to leave.

My hand clamps on his shoulder, holding him in place. My hand is trembling so bad, my fingers barely keeping their hold on his black jacket. I want to say something, but I have no idea what, and I'm sure my voice is going to be a wobbly mess. Worst of all, I might break down in the middle of my sentence.

I swallow hard, and two words skip past my suddenly dry lips.

"It's me."

I lost her too, I'm hurting too, I feel the pain. I can only imagine what you're feeling, but I understand and there's no need to hide from me. Everything I want to say, clumped up into two words that could as well be meaningless to him.

But maybe he gets what I mean, because his much larger frame is leaning against me, and he lets go again. It's evident he's trying to keep it to a minimum of the bodily tremors and hiccups, but the broken sobs manage to break through his restraint. I mindlessly wrap my arms around him as my own tears flow and the ache in my chest deepens. We are breaking together, and I don't think there's anybody to pick up the pieces for any of us. Maybe we'll do that for each other.

"I tried to forget her, and it was the stupidest idea I ever had," Jax confesses sometime later. That's after we cried our fill, then sat in silence for a while, our minds undoubtedly taking us back to a similar place.

He sniffs, wipes a handkerchief under his nose, and leans more into the wall next to him.

"I can't," he adds, and it comes out as a shaky whisper as if he wants to break down again.

I reach out and take his free hand in mine and give it a squeeze. I don't say anything, figuring he has more to say.

A couple of minutes later he does, breaking yet another silence. "I'm sorry," he whispers, his eyes shifting to look at me.

My brow creases a little because I have no idea why he would be apologising to me. "For what?" I ask.

He sucks in a deep breath and replies, "I know you're mad at me, and I'm sure An..." he gulps and avoids the name completely. "She's angry at me. I would never have wanted her to forget me, I know that sounds selfish but I love her..." He breaks his sentence again and squeezes his eyes shut. "I should probably be saying that in the past tense, but I can't. She might not be here, but I still love her so much and I..."

This time when his voice breaks he doesn't get back into it immediately as tears slip down his face again.

I squeeze his hand again, offering him whatever support I can.

It makes sense to me, him trying to forget. Because if he could forget, then there would be no pain.

"I'd rather hurt than forget her," he finishes.

My throat clogs up. That's true for me too. Angeline was such an amazing person to have her memories pushed to the back, forgotten and never cherished. She's gone but she was here, and that should mean something.

I know we should move on, it's healthy, but moving on doesn't necessarily mean forgetting. We just have to create new memories and be happy with the people we still have in our lives, and not let the past hold us back. I have to admit though, that's easier said than done. Maybe that's why I don't dare say a word of it to Jax.

Jax wipes his hands across his face, getting rid of his tears. "I'm sorry about Jen."

If my slow brain hadn't caught up already, it has now.

Jen was the distraction.

She once told me I wouldn't understand, did she know that too? That Jax was just using her to try and forget Angeline? Had she been willing to 'help' him forget?

Jen isn't dense, she must have known.

"It's okay," I reply quietly.

"I'm going to break up with her," he said. "It's not fair to her."

I nod.

"I can't do it anymore, anyway. I have to face the pain. Stop hiding and maybe..." He trails off with a shrug.

You can't hide from a problem and just expect it to disappear. You have to tackle it.

"It will get better," I promise.

I'm one to talk.

Does he imagine she's there when she isn't?

Does he look over his shoulder when walking in an empty street, to check whether she could be back there?

Does he dream about her?

Does he have nightmares about her?

Is he afraid of sleeping in the dark like I am?

Does he replace it hard to believe she's really gone like I do most of the time?

The dark circles around his eyes could mean some of that is true for him too.

"Do you want to come with me to visit?" Jax asks much later.

The second lesson after lunch must be starting now. I have skipped two classes, something I have never done without permission. I've most probably earned myself detention.

"Now?" I ask, chewing on my lip. We can't exactly get out of the school before the school day ends without a gate pass.

"Yeah, I'll ask Jon to take us. He insisted on driving me to school today, didn't think I was in the right state of mind to drive, or some shit like that," he reveals, retrieving his phone from his jeans' pocket. Forgive me but my mind latches on that one name, and I watch in near panic as he types on his phone. "Jon?" I ask.

He nods, his concentration on the screen of the phone. "He's good friends with Finn, that guard who's on duty this week. We'll get past the gates easily."

"Finn...the...that youngish guard?"

"The one the girls fawn over, yes. What did they think bringing a guy like that to work in a high school?" he asks with a laugh.

A question that has been asked severally, actually. The said guy doesn't look a day over twenty-five, and he has a cute baby face that makes you want to dally at the school gates all day long. But Jon...

"He's in, said to wait on him at the lot," Jax says, cutting my line of thought.

He shoots to his feet and I move to follow suit, stumbling a little because of a slight muscle cramp in my feet. Jax holds onto my arm, keeping me upright.

"Thanks," I mutter. My face is level with his chest.

How does one get that tall?

When Finn bends over to check into the car at the gate, I almost slide down the backseat from the look he gives me. It's a suspicious look, his brown eyes slightly narrowed. He turns back to Jon, brows raised. "Who's your friend back there?" Jon sighs. "Jo."

"Oh, so that's her," Finn says, looking back at me.

I stare back, trying to gauge his interest in me. What? Does he know me? Like, know me?

"Finn, can we not, now?" Jon asks, an edge to his voice.

Finn sighs, his boyish face regaining a smile. "Okay."

When he leans back Jon drives through the gates and leaves the school behind.

I want to ask what that was about, but let's remember Jon has been my crush for a long time and it's a given that I'm speechless around him. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still can't form the question on my tongue. I catch Jax's eyes in the rearview mirror and he gives me a small smile then goes back to staring out the window. I'm literally biting my tongue to keep myself from saying anything.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out. It's a text from Simon, asking where I am.

Simon: Where are you?

Me: Out of school with Jax.

Simon: Oh, cool. Can I come over to yours later?

Me: Of course. :)

Simon: warning...Nicki's coming too :)

Me: Don't make me change my mind, I joke.

Simon: ;) see you later I give him a thumbs-up, then search up another contact, realising I need to let him know I won't be available today. Me: No Math today.

I don't expect him to reply, leave alone that fast, because the three bubbles indicating that he's typing appear immediately.

Jude: Hurray!! Where are you?

Me: School...?

Jude: Yeah right -_-

Me: Been looking for me or what? ^.^

Jude: In your dreams.

Me: It's not a crime to miss someone ^^, I tease.

Jude: I think we are getting a little ahead of ourselves.

The car pulls to a stop and I look to see we are outside a florist's shop.

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Me: Gotta go.

Jude: Where...

I roll my eyes and pocket my phone. Wouldn't hurt to leave him hanging for once.

We are laughing, and it seems so out of place because we are seated beside a grave in the middle of a graveyard.

The flowers we brought are lying near the headstone, and my eyes keep going to the words on the stone. And even laughing, I can still feel the lump in my throat.

She was so fucking young. No one should die that young.

I'm not crying though, because Jax and I have been shifting down through memory lane for the last God knows how many minutes, and I'm starting to worry we are keeping Jon long. This is the first time I'm seeing a smile on Jax's face in so long, and it makes me content seeing him like that.

"Remember when she wanted to try for the choir but wouldn't stick by the food rules?" he asks, shaking his head.

"The girl couldn't keep off Nutella, she never would have made it," I recall, laughing.

"Her Dad was a bastard, though," he says with a heavy sigh.

Rage boils up in my stomach as I recall the man who never thought Angeline ever did enough. She excelled in everything, she was perfect in everything she did, but to him, it was never enough. And Angie, she always felt the need to please him.

I had no idea why. Her father was a stuck-up asshole who never thought anyone was good enough. He didn't even bother sticking around after she was gone, serving his wife divorce papers barely a week after they had said goodbye to their daughter.

"And shit, he hated me," he adds, letting loose a dry laugh.

"He hated us all. You know, now that I think of it, I'm certain he was some sort of psycho. Didn't want to see anyone doing any better than him, and when anyone was excelling he made them feel like they were doing nothing."

"I think he was a mean teenager stuck in a grown-up man's body," Jax jokes. He picks on the hem of his jacket sleeve. "One day she told me she was done trying."

"And one day she told me you made her feel she didn't need to try anymore," I reveal, watching him fondly.

His eyes flick to me in uncertainty, as if he doesn't believe it.

I want to tell him just how smitten she was, how she annoyed me constantly with his name on her lips, but I have a feeling that might dampen the mood yet again, so I hold it in. I just hope he knows how much she loved him. "She had asked me something, a couple of days before..." He trails off but nods towards where we left Jon waiting. "Wanted to set you up with Jon."

My eyes widen and my cheeks redden. Damn, no way. She had insinuated something like that way too many times, but I had kept her out of it with various threats.

"Don't even think about it," I mutter, embarrassed. I feel like I should glare at her through the dirt until she stirs.

"You like him," he says. I can feel his eyes on me. He's right, but he doesn't need to know that.

"Used to," I say, now pulling on a blade of glass.

He straightens and rises to his feet, and I follow suit. "He's a good guy, just a little conflicted," he says with a small smile that exposes his dimples. "Conflicted?" I blurt.

He nods, and that's it. I feel a little frustrated. Lately, everybody seems to be giving me promising insight into something, only to leave me hanging.

I shrug and look back at the tombstone one last time. When I look back at him his eyes are stuck there too, any sign of happiness gone from his face. "I'll go ahead," I say. I know he needs time alone with her. He nods and I turn away, heading back towards where Jon has parked the car.