Light My Fire
: Chapter 39

I need sugar and I need advice.

The best place to get both is at Books and Buns, the bookstore and bakery my sister-in-law, Elise, works at. After leaving the guys at Jackson’s house and going back to my place, I had spent the next few days trying to puzzle out all of my feelings. I’d wound up cleaning my apartment Friday night for almost two hours and it made me feel more in control of my life. Or at least the illusion of control.

I may be struggling at my internship and with the guys, but I have a clean kitchen. I half expected Wyatt to show up on my doorstep, but he and Jackson and Luke respected my request for space, which left me weirdly feeling lonely.

This isn’t what I want.

I don’t want to end things with them.

Luke, Wyatt, and Jackson are all incredible men, each in their own unique way, and I love being with them.

I just don’t know how to manage three relationships and my work responsibilities and once the conversation turned to living together, in a house miles and miles from my clinic, I mentally shut down.

But after scrubbing every inch of my apartment over several days, sleeping a solid nine hours, and having a drama-free shift this morning, I know I handled the situation from a place of panic and I need to talk to my guys.

After a pastry and some girl talk.

Pulling open the door to the bakery, the bell jingles over the door and the warm air envelopes me. The scent of baked goods and coffee is comforting and I take a deep breath. There’s an older couple browsing through the travel books in the bookstore portion and a mom with two little girls in the bakery section, seated at one of the cute little bistro tables.

There is also a couple around my age ordering from Luna, the owner of the bakery. They seem to be struggling to make a choice, pointing to multiple pastries and debating with each other.

I’ve met Luna a few times because one of her boyfriends is the Racketeers assistant coach and one is a player, so they both know my brother Blake really well. She gives me a cheerful wave.

“Elise is in the kitchen,” Luna tells me. “She’ll be right out.”

“Thanks, Luna.”

Elise appears in the doorway, dressed in one of her signature pinup outfits, this one with spring tulips all over the flared skirt and a red, short-sleeved sweater. I have no idea how she bakes dressed like that, but Elise treats every day like a pinup pageant. I admire her style, but the thought of wearing high heels on a regular basis makes me shudder.

“Brooke!” She comes around the counter and gives me a big hug.

I sag against her in relief. She’s going to understand exactly how I’m feeling.

“Coffee? Tea?”

“Coffee. And one of everything in that case.”

I’m only half-joking.

Elise laughs but gives me a look of concern as she pulls away and studies me. “Your face tells me this is a chocolate situation, not something subtle like lemon.”

“The more chocolate and the gooier the better,” I agree. “Can I help?”

“No, go sit. Text your brother and tell him we’re hanging out. He’ll love that. He is a little offended he has only seen you once since you’ve been in Chicago.”

That makes me wince.

I saw Blake at lunch with my grandmother when I first arrived, but since then, it’s been work and Wyatt, Jackson, and Luke. This is my first time seeing Elise and I’ve barely texted with Sophie and my other friends. I had one video call with my parents and some texts. My time management skills are being tested, and I’m failing miserably.

I text Blake and he responds with a brief, “Bout time. Hope work is going well.”

That makes me feel even worse. Granted, that’s how Blake texts.

Elise sets down two coffees and a plate piled high with various sweet treats. “I got us a sampling.” She sits down and immediately takes a bite of a chocolate eclair. “So… how’s work?”

“It’s fine. I love the work and I love the animals, but I feel a bit over my head dealing with the staff. I’m not used to that kind of fast-paced environment. School is totally different.”

“Is your boss an asshole?”

“Well, the veterinarians have been mostly cool to me. One is a little brisk, but I think that’s his personality. But there is a tech, Tammy, who hates me. She’s very snarky to me.”

“There will always be a Tammy at every job. You have two choices—ignore her or shut her down. I vote for shut her down.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” I tell her, honestly. “I don’t want to make an enemy.”

“She’s already made herself your enemy. Maybe she’s jealous of you.”

“I don’t know… I’m not really sure what the issue is. She hates that I get texts from the guys at the clinic.” I sip my coffee. “Which stresses me out.”

“The guys?”

“Luke, Wyatt, and Jackson.”

Elise’s eyebrows raise. “So that’s an ongoing thing?”

I had briefly told Elise about our weekend, without a lot of details. I didn’t tell her I’ve been seeing them since I arrived in Chicago. I’m not sure why. Maybe it just seemed like I was living in the moment, or maybe it seemed weird to text my sister-in-law and announce I’m dating three men. Maybe I didn’t know what it was exactly, other than a lot of sexy fun.

“I’ve been seeing them. First separately, then together.” I choose the other chocolate eclair off of the plate and set it on my napkin. “It’s been so much fun. I really like all of them.”

“And the sex?” Elise asks, striving for casual but looking very curious.

“Amazing. It’s incredible. Mind-blowing.” I let out a breath, thinking of the nights I’ve spent in their arms, surrounded by all three of them worshiping my mouth, my body, my pussy.

I’m not blushing, but I do feel warm.

“But it’s a lot?” she guesses. “Trying to juggle three boyfriends and a new job?”

I nod, grateful she understands. “Yes. It’s so much. Then Jackson suggested moving in to his house, which is nowhere near the clinic, and then Luke and Wyatt had their own reservations and issues, and I just got overwhelmed. I left and told them we needed a break.”

Elise doesn’t say anything for a second. She just carefully watches me and sips her coffee. “That is soon to move in together. You just started dating. But I married Blake really quickly so I can’t say much about that. What I can say is this—you all need to be on the same page if you want a poly relationship to work long term. If that’s even what you want—for it to work long term.”

“I didn’t think about it. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since high school and in comparison that was just kid stuff. Wyatt wants me alone, truthfully, and Luke is on the fence about a serious relationship, period. Jackson is all in on me and the other two being with me. We’re all over the place. And then yesterday I found out that Luke and Wyatt were out on a bomb call, and it was just something I’ve never even considered. It all just became too much, and I know it wasn’t the right thing to do to walk away without talking it all out, but I just don’t want to come between their friendships when I don’t even know what I want.”

Without warning, there are tears in my eyes.

“Shit,” I say, vehemently. “I don’t want to cry.”

“You’re allowed to cry. That’s a lot to unpack. First of all, let’s start with the easy one. If you’re going to date firefighters, or even a single firefighter, you have to accept it’s part of the job. They’re highly trained and they know what they’re doing. But yes, there are risks. I worry about Aidan, but this is more than his job. It’s his passion. So you have to decide if you can live with partners who sometimes have to put their lives on the line.”

Running the tip of my finger around the top of my coffee mug, I nod. “I know that. I do feel like I can handle it. It’s just been such a whirlwind and I guess I never expected to have feelings this strong for any of them.”

“Do those feelings include love?” Elise asks, gently.

The tears return full force. “Yes. I love all of them. I didn’t even think that would be possible, but they’re amazing men. Jackson is so upbeat and enthusiastic and easygoing. He’d give you the shirt off of his back. Wyatt is loyal and kind and has nothing bad to say about anyone ever. Luke is intense and commanding and passionate. I love them all. I can’t choose between them.”

The thought drives a lump into my throat. “But I would hate it if we tried to be a foursome and it failed and they weren’t friends anymore.”

“I think that’s for them to decide individually if they want to take that risk or not. They’re grown men.”

Wiping my eyes with my napkin, I take a deep, shuddering breath. “You’re right.”

“What you need to decide is if love is worth the risk. It’s new. You all need to learn how to effectively communicate. I can tell you from my own experience that’s what will trip you up. You have to make major decisions together. I went and married your brother without telling Aidan and Simon, and that almost ruined everything. If this just happened, it’s salvageable if you want it to be. It’s as simple as do you want to be alone or do you want to be with them? Picture your life both ways, with all the pros and cons of each. Take some time to really think about it.”

I envision my life with just me, going to work, coming home, hanging out with co-workers or friends here and there. Not dating because how could I ever date another man after I’ve experienced what I have with these three?

Then I picture them with me, cooking dinner, walking Henley and the puppies, laughing over a board game, skin on skin at night in bed, waking up together.

It hits me like a clap of thunder. There’s no comparison. One future is just fine. One is rich and full of love and passion.

“I don’t need to think about it,” I declare. “I’m in love with them.” Somehow, somewhere between that first moment they showed up at the cabin, and now, I fell completely and totally in love with Wyatt, Jackson, and Luke. “I want to be with them.”

Elise smiles. “Then tell them that. But first, finish your eclair.”

“Thank you,” I tell her, sincerely, even as my mind is whirling with ideas of how to approach them, how to apologize for bolting, and how we can create a relationship that feels good to all of us. “I appreciate you, Elise.”

“I appreciate you too, Brooke. I’m thrilled to have a sister.”

That touches me wholly. I stand up and go around and hug her. She hugs me back, hard.

“What’s the plan?” she asks when I sit back down, tears gone.

“I think I have a few ideas…”

“Spill the tea.”

An hour later, I leave Books and Buns feeling determined and confident.

I want my guys.