Love that heals
Chapter 53 Because they are not YOU

Rudrani:

"Because they are not Rudrani," Ashu said smiling and looking into my eyes by cupping my face.

"Tell me why do you love me?" I asked again.

"Because this pout of your's is so cute," Ashu said pinching my cheeks and kissing me.

"I want to know," I said slowly.

"Your courage and strength made me fall for you. Your eyes which reflect confidence attracted me."

I smiled hugging him.

"Ashu, I was really so sad when you avoided me. I know I am at fault and tried to talk but I was scared of your anger. Please don't ignore me ever. I am ready to take treatment from any doctor you choose, you can even see my bag, mobile, diary or whatever you want. I won't hide or lie from now. I don't do anything that hurts you. I just want you and your love. If you don't like, I am ready to give up my dream of becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon. I will just work as a normal doctor in our hospital. Just don't be angry with me."

I said almost in a pleading tone. I never experienced love in my life. Now I don't want to miss Ashu or his love forever.

Ashu smiled and kissed me.

"Just be as you are and I won't leave you ever," Ashu said.

"Except breaking my trust," he added to which I nodded.

"Ashu, I don't want you too to change. Be as you are. Let me know if you are upset or angry. Only then I can understand what makes you angry and upset and helps me to keep you happy," I said.

"You can't bear my anger. It's better to keep my anger in control than to hurt you."

"Why? Is it that dangerous? Do you hit people when you are angry?"

"No I didn't hit anyone in my anger. But, I understood when I shouted at you, you were so upset with me. So I didn't want even to shout at you. You didn't like that behaviour and later I changed for you. I can't see fear or tears in your eyes. It hurts me more if I am the reason behind those tears or fear."

"I love you so much," I said hugging him.

"I love you too," Ashu said.

We drifted into marvellous world of dreams where only our love exists. In the morning, I was arranging his clothes and watch, suddenly Ashu wrapped me in his arms.

"I can do these works myself, baby. The only work that I can't do is loving myself. Because, I love you so much and there's no place in my heart even for myself. So, please love me forever," Ashu said resting his chin on my shoulder and teasing me by moving his fingers on my bareback and waist.

"Ashu, let me go. I have lot of work in the kitchen," I shouted.

"Yes for those works, we appointed maids and cook. For this, I can't appoint anyone and only you should do this work," Ashu said kissing my bare back.

"You are crazy."

"Crazy for my love who is my wife," Ashu said huskily.

"Go and get fresh up. I will prepare your favourite breakfast."

"No, I want to have a sundae."

"No not now, you are becoming naughty and too romantic these days. Now it's time to get ready and leave to our college. Go," I said.

"Don't you know that a monkey will be naughty? How can a monkey be so serious and reserved like you?" Ashu saud.

I remembered my childhood where I used to be free and jovial. Everything changed with that one incident. That idiot made me feel scared of everyone and everything.

"Hey sweety, are you fine? Did I hurt you? I am sorry, if I hurt you," Ashu said wiping my tears and hugging me.

"No Ashu, you didn't hurt me."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I was naughty and jovial in my childhood. I used to move friendly with everyone. But after that incident I was scared to believe or talk to anyone."

"It's okay. Don't cry. You will become old Rudrani again."

"Molestation in child hood impacts whole life and can never forget that incident. Why do these idiots don't understand that?"

"Because they are not punished properly. Parents and courts are mere spectators in the society. No one understands the pain and struggle of that kid who faced it.

Rudrani, I may not help everyone but you are my wife. I will do anything for you. I want you to be free from your fears and tensions. I will make you a care free Rudrani soon. Just give me that chance and follow my suggestions. I won't suggest anything that troubles you. I will just help you to overcome your fears. Until and unless you are ready to face fears, they scares you. Just face your fears and fear will be scared of you," Ashu said cupping my face.

I stood still without saying anything. What is he planning? I don't know and I can't take any pain now.

"Do you trust me?" Ashu asked.

"Yes," I answered instantly.

"Good, then just trust me that I won't harm you and never allow any harm to reach you. But, I will do anything to remove your fears. For that, first list out your fears which troubled you till now to mingle with people. I will tell you what to do next," Ashu said and I nodded.

"I will get ready soon. Today by night I want you to write your fears on a paper. We will discuss solutions at night."

"But....."

Before I say something, Ashu left for shower. Ashu dropped me at college and after classes I went for shopping. I want to buy something for Ashu as I never bought even a single gift till now for Ashu. I selected a shirt for him and paid the bill. I came out and my phone rang.

"Ashu," Before I speak Ashu started shouting at me.

"Where are you? Don't you know to pass a message if you are not at college? I am at your college. Within ten minutes, you must be here in the college. I came to pick you," Ashu said seriously.

Idiot, in the morning he said he won't shout at me but now he started shouting. This is the reason I hate boys. I hired an auto and went to the college. This monkey stood there waiting for me. "Where did you go?" Ashu asked looking at me with worried expression.

Is he worried about me? I should have informed him before leaving.

"I went for shopping," I answered.

"If you want I will take you for shopping, don't go alone. What if something happens to you? Of course, I know you are brave but still I feel scared."

I smiled and we returned to home. I gave him his night tracks though he insisted me not to do those works. I got fresh up and prepared coffee for both of us.

"Ashu, coffee."

"Thank you and I am sorry for shouting at you on the call."

Ashu said keeping dull face.

"Yes, I forgot to be angry with you," I said acting anger.

"I am really sorry, angel. I was just worried about you and vented it out in the form of anger," Ashu said in low voice.

"I got it my dear sweet husband. I am not at all angry with you."

Ashu smiled and kissed my hand.

"By the way, what did you buy?"

"Nothing," I lied to Ashu.

I checked his dresses while giving him night tracks. His dresses were very expensive and branded. I just bought a shirt within my money which I saved from my salary. It's not branded and moreover it will be the cheapest shirt which he ever wore. I know he will accept the gift as he love me a lot but what if he gets insulted before his friends? No, I will buy another shirt for him in my next salary which is branded and suits him.

"I love the shirt. It's very beautiful," Ashu said.

"What?"

"I saw the shirt you bought. For whom did you buy that?"

"For.. For.. My dad," I replied.

"Really? It looks like a shirt which is suitable to youngsters. Did you really buy it for your dad?" Ashu asked smiling.

"I bought it for.... For.. Sanjay," I said to clear his suspicion but I understood what I did after saying. Now he won't believe at all as I changed my statements instantly.

"Did you buy it for me?" Ashu asked keeping it to him and checking in the mirror.

"It's awesome. I will wear it for my birthday which is coming soon," Ashu said.

"No, it's not for you." I snatched the shirt from his hands.

"When is your birthday?" I asked him.

"It's within 10 days. Find it out by yourself, baby and I want you to wish me first on my birthday."

"Definitely," I said.

Within ten days? I don't get salary by that time. How can I gift him? I want to surprise him. I want to make it the best birthday but I don't have money to do that. What should I do now? I sent money to my parents already as dad didn't get job till now.

"Give me my shirt. I know you bought it for your husband and for no one else," Ashu said taking his shirt. I left the hold on the shirt but I really don't know how will he wear it.

"Ashu, it's of low price. I checked your closet and every dress is branded. I don't want you to be insulted because of me, Ashu."

"Sweet heart, I will just see the love of a person who gifted it to me but not it's price. It's worth will be measured by your love. This is your first gift to me and it's very precious," Ashu said kissing on my forehead.

"I love you, Ashu. I know you don't care for the price. But, I didn't want you to wear it on your birthday. You may get insulted before your friends and circle for wearing such a cheap shirt," I said sadly.

"Do you really think that I will allow someone to insult the gift given by my wife? No one dares to insult this shirt as I don't give that chance to anyone."

"I really want you to wish me first on my birthday. You should be with me for the whole day without leaving me for a single minute on that day. Will you?" Ashu asked looking into my eyes.

His eyes has magic. What I wish is to be with him every minute and second. I nodded and he kissed my hand slowly.

"There is a surprise for you on my birthday," Ashu said.

"What? It's me who should surprise you on your birthday."

"I don't want formalities. I planned a surprise for you but I will give it to you only if you stay with me for whole day."

"Sure. Not for the surprise but for your happiness."

"I will be happy as long as you are with me."

"I brought another gift too for you. But I don't whether you will like it or not."

"Whatever it is, as it's from you I will love it."

"I will give it before I leave to my camp."

"Okay I will wait. By any chance, I hope you won't be giving divorce papers to me."

Ashu said suddenly. Why will I do that? Why does he suspect me every time in this divorce matter?

"Hey I was just kidding," Ashu said pulling me into his lap. I tried to free from his grip but his hold was tight.

"Please baby, excuse me," Ashu said resting his chin on my shoulder without leaving my hands.

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"Ashu, leave me," I said seriously.

"Why should I leave my wife? She is all mine and I love her," Ashu kissed my cheek.

"If you love me, you shouldn't hurt me, Ashu. I never asked for divorce. From the day of our marriage, I always tried to make our relationship sustain though I didn't love you at that time. Why don't you understand, Ashu? It's you who asked for divorce and because of my anger I too said okay. But I didn't mean it. Just to avoid argument, I said okay. I never want divorce from you. I really love you and I want to share my life with you," I said with choked tone. Ashu hugged me tightly to his heart.

"I am really sorry, sweet heart. I just said it for fun but didn't guess that you will get this hurt. I promise I won't talk like that anytime. Please don't cry, please I am sorry."

"I hate you, you are not good."

I said hitting on his chest with anger.

"It's okay, I will love you forever though you hate me," Ashu said hugging me more tightly and kissing my head.

Ashu slowly made me sleep on the bed and came on the top of me making me gulp. However, I don't know why but I didn't want to stop him. I decided to allow him until I feel uncomfortable. If my past haunts me then I will stop him. I know Ashu never hurts me.

Ashu smiled looking into my eyes and I lowered my eyes with a blush. Ashu kissed my forehead, eyes, cheeks, chin and then my lips. His kiss was too intense but I felt happy to know how much he loves me. He then buried his head into my neck kissing crazily. I clutched my fist stopping myself from pushing him away. Ashu slowly opened my clutched fist and intertwined his fingers with mine.

"Relax Rudrani. Close your eyes and take a deep breathe. Imagine me and our lovely moments," Ashu said.

"I was scared," I said slowly.

"Don't be because you know well that I can never give you any sort of pain."

I nodded and closed my eyes. I took a deep breathe. I noticed Ashu removing pin of my saree and removing it from my blouse. Ashu kissed my cleavage and tried to unhook my blouse. I closed my eyes tightly and then imagined Ashu smiling. Ashu is very beautiful with his sweet smile. My face occupied a smile. I imagined Ashu sleeping on my lap happily crossing his legs. I imagined Ashu kissing me and hugging me. I was enjoying the moments and suddenly I felt a biting sensation. I opened my eyes and found Ashu kissing my bosoms and giving hickeys. I felt disgusting. I was half nude before him. I felt uncomfortable and pushed him away.

I covered myself with both my hands with tears.

"Rudrani, are you okay?" Ashu asked trying to hug me.

"Don't touch me. Stay away. I can't do this," I said.

"It's okay. We are not going to do anything now. I will turn other side. You set your saree," Ashu said and turned other side.

I set my blouse and saree. I was crying and Ashu hugged me.

"Why did you push me away?"

"I didn't feel it right. I can't be like that before you. I am uncomfortable to be without clothes before you," I said frightening. I know it's his right and I shouldn't talk like this. But, I can share my feelings and fears only with Ashu.

"I am your husband. I have that right. It's not wrong, it's something decided by nature. There's nothing wrong if a husband sees you like that," Ashu said softly caressing my hairs.

I didn't speak anything.

"It's okay, no problem. I have a solution for your every problem. Now take rest," Ashu said taking me into his arms.

Can I ever be a good wife? To what extent Ashu will bear my stupidity and unnecessary fears? What if he gets frustrated and fed up with my behaviour? What if he leaves me for not giving his right after sometime? I love him. I didn't want him to leave me. I clutched his shirt tightly.

"Don't worry angel, It's okay. I love you. I am just trying to know your fears to make you overcome them. I am not in hurry to make love to you. I want to know your every fear and make you free from everything. Did you list out your fears as I said?" "No," I answered.

"Write it now," He said breaking hug.

"Please I want to be in your arms. Now I don't want to write."

Before I complete, he switched on the light and took paper and pen. He pulled me into his lap and hugged me from behind.

"Now you are in my hug as you wished. So please list out your fears for me."

I smiled and started writing my fears.