Loving Quinn Novel by North Rose
Chapter 57

(Aaron)

Today was a biny day but because Quinn asked me to, well, also because I know I new to make this step, I went to my first appointment with Dr. West. When I arrived, I was perpared to be angry the entire time. However, I was pleasantly sorprised at how quickly the man just me at esse.

Something about the kindness in his eyes, the soothing quality of his voice, and the quiet atmosphere of his office jest fit well together. Then there was the fact that his wife was a combat veteran. He may not have served himself, but he knows what the other side of the equation in 1kr.

The side of the spouse.

Our first meeting didn’t go to the darkness that circles through my mind like a thick wood just waiting to drag me down. Instead, we got to know each other. Then we talked about my goals. The things I want to see happens during our therapy sessions and my ultimate end goal.

The end cool is the hard part.

I want to feel worthy of love.

Not the love I get from my parents. Their love has been unconditional since the day I was born. I feel it from them each time I see them ty mother doesn’t talk about my as a soldier. I think she knows I hide so much from her.

My father and have talked about it here and there, but he doesn’t ask the hard questions. 1 am grateful for that. Even though I know they will be there when I need to talk about it all, I am just not ready to burden them with all the horrible thing that I saw and did.

My parents are my safe place and if I share all the darkness inside of me with them, it will forever change how I see them. They will be tainted by the darkness that

is war 1 will keep that from then for as long as I can.

However, I know that Dr. West is right, I will need to talk to them eventually. It is one hurdle that I will need to overcome in order to help the healing process. I just hope and pray that they will still be there when I come out of this darkness.

Quinn was right that I need help. I watched him descend into madness after Dinner aborted their baby. To his mind, it confirmed that he wasn’t worthy of the love he so desperately wanted. For him, my best friend, I took my first steps to come out of the dark.

The love I want to be worthy of is in the heart of the one woman who drives me out of my mind. When I arrived at the charity even tonight, it felt like I got s**er

punch and kicked in the balls at the same time. My pulse sped up the moment I laid my eyes on her.

Rylan Danvers in a sinen in that form Stting red dress. She left her raven curls loose tonight, and all I want to do is run my fingers through her silky hair. I remember how it felt in my hands that day I kissed her in my office,

I remember the day I met her. Rylan was new to our unit, replacing our medic, whose time was up She showed s**k and a willingness to defend herself against some of the ballbusters in our unit. The fire in her eyes when she is angry is both cry and s**y

Stary when she is tearing into someone verbally for doing something **id, which for those first few years in the desert, we did a lot of s***d s**t to entertain ourselves. Oh, but when she is angry, that fire in her eyes is s**y as bell.

Bylan is angry at me often enough to cause me to burst into flames.

Yet, in my mind, she was always off limits. To me, she is far out of my league. I am not worthy of the love that know she is more than willing to give me. Lam

undean

I would rather f**k a different woman every night, hell some nights I have had more than one at a time, than taint her with the darkness in my soul

When exactly Leralized I love her is beyond me. I know it was long before that day in my office when I kissed her just to shut her up. If I am being truly honest with (myself, I kissed her because I wanted to. The way she was yelling at me just pushed over that fine line I am always on when she is around.

The way she moaned when I slipped my tongue in her mouth made me want to f**k bir right there in my office. When I stepped away, it wasn’t because I wanted to; it was because she deserved better.

Now I am in a hell of my making. Yearning for some

someone I won’t let myself be with. To be with Rylan in the way she wants, I need to let my guard down for her. I am unclean in so many ways. She deserves for more than I can ever give her.

“How much have you had to drink Tonight, Aaron!” Quinn asks.

I throw back my third bombon, then look at him. I know he means well, but I have a feeling that tonight will be my undoing. All because of one raven haired beauty

in a siren red dress.

“Can you handle being here tonight, or do you need to bow cut?”

“All I need to do is keep her out of my line of sight and I will be fine.” I glare at him, on the next bourbon the bartender slides my way, then I stomp away.

I need a distraction. Scanning the crowd, I catch the rye of a busty brunette. Her t**ts are pushed up high in her chest and are practically spilling over the top of her dress. The promise in her eyes is past the distraction I need. However, as I am walking towards her, a man joins her, and I catch the glint of her wedding ring.

Nope.

kind of distraction.

Married women are not my type of women. If they are lonely, then they can get the needs met elsewhere. From my experience, lonely housewives can be the best sex a man can get. I made that mistake a few times. The sex was mind blowing with the thrill of being caught adding to the pleasure. However, getting caught in bed with a married woman is something I don’t want to repeat.

So, I scan the crowd again. My eyes seem to have a mind of their own and gravitate back to where Rylan is standing What would it be like with her? Would her hot temper flow over into the bedroom? I can feel myself harden just thinking about it.

This is not good. I can’t be sporting an erection in the middle of this facking event. Getting away from her until the auction starts is a great idea. So, I make my way to the stairs that lead to the beach below. Some space to clear my head will do everyone some good.

When I peach the beach, I can hear voices from a small group of people that made their way down here. They are off to the left of the stairs, so I walk to the right, then pake my way towards the water. This is what I love about California. The tranquility I can replace at the edge of land and sex.

There is something hypnotic about watching the waves roll against the sand. When the sea is calm like it is today, I could stand here for hours just gazing out at al the majestic blue. I love to go sailing. Bring out on the water with just a cooler full of her sounds like a great idea right now.

The sound of laughter makes me look over my shoulder. The group by the stairs is now walking back up to the terrace. When I tum to look back at the ocean, the

is using the h**n. The auction is scheduled to start in an hour.

The idea of standing up on that stage while pampered socialites bid on a date with me makes me want to vomit. Only the knowledge that all of tonight’s proceeds going to charity make me willing to put myself through that humiliation.

Knowing my luck, the winner will be a simering blonde who has nothing between her ears but air.

1 turn from the magnificent view of the ocean, only to stop in my tracks. Rylan is standing a few feet from me. Her expression is hard to decipher. I want to close the Estance between us and just pull her into my arms. However, after our last encounter, I am unsure of how to approach her.

“Why are you down here all alone?”

“It is too crowded up there.”

I glance to my right and see that there is a gazebo a little way down the beach. Without waiting to see if she will follow me, I walk to it. As I get closer, I am pleasantly surprised that it is enclosed on all sides except for the side facing the water. Once inside, I turn around, only to bump into Rylan as I do

She followed me.

The mumentum of us bumping into each other causes her to pitch backwards. My arms go around her waist to pull her flush against me. Her eyes go round in surprise, but she doesn’t immediately pull away, Heat rushes through me when her ge drops to my lips.

1 want to kiss her so badly, but the idea of f**g things up with her more than I already have causes me to let go of her and take a step back. The hurt that flashes through her beautiful eyes makes me hate myself even more than I already do.

F**k it

I have nothing left to lose at this point.

2/4

Chapter 57

Stepping back to her, I pull her against me with more force than intended, then I do what I have wanted to do since I saw her tonight. I sink my hands into her raven curls, then crush my math to her. Her mouth opens in surprise, and I take full advantage of it by sweeping my tongue into her mouth.

Passion like nothing I have ever felt before Bates instantly between Fire erupts in my soul as her tongue duels with mine in the most heated kiss I have ever experienced. Rylan wraps her arms around my waist and fists her hands into the back of my tuxedo jacket.

The moon that escapes her lips when I break the kiss urges me to do more. However, Quinn’s voice over the PA system announcing that the auction will begin in ten minutes, causes me to just stare into her eyes for moment before I let her go.

“Ry, you deserve so much better than I can pve you. I am a terrible choice. Why do you persist in wanting to get closer to me? My voice is thick with desire but Bled with pain

“Why can’t you just let me love you?” She cries

The quiver in her voice breaks through the wall around my heart more than I am comfortable with.

“I am not what you deserve. You deserve someone who will always be there for you Someone who will always put your first above their own needs. I am not that

person.”

Rylan closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, as if she is trying to calm down. When she opens her eyes, the fire that attracted me to her in the first place is blazing bright in her eyes, Lust faces through me, but I ignore it. As much as I want to, this it the time or the place.

“When that p**k Paulson assaulted me and I showed up on your doorstep, what was the first thing you did! You took your jacket of overed me up, then you pulled

the hospital. me into your arms and held me while I cried. Then you drove like a madman all the way to Quinn’s, getting me to Annoca because I refused to go You put my needs above my wants.”

ecause you were too d**n stubborn to do what needed to be done.”

*Yes, I was Aaron, you took me somewhere you knew I would feel safe, where there was a doctor who would take care of me. You didn’t leave me until you knew I would be ok. Why? Do us both a favor and tell the f**g truth.”

I spin away from her to look out at the ocean. In frustration, I run my fingers through my hair. It is longer than 1 like, but I am getting used to it. When I turn back to face her, there are tears in her eyes. I knew tonight would be my undoing

She is my weakness.

I hate the fact that she can pull emoties out of me that I haven’t even fully come to terms with I hate the feelings of inadequacy that she makes me feel. That is my self-hatred speaking, telling me I will never be good enough for her

“What do you want me to say, Rylan? Do you want a full confession of everything 1 feel for you?””

“I just want you to admit to me that these feelings I have for you are not one sided. Your avoidance and how you react to me indicates something lurking under the surface. Something you are running from. Why are you running from me, Aaron?”

“Because you scare the hell out of me,” I yell

Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open in shock. “I scare you. How do I scare you

I let out a shuddery breath as I realized the box in my heart that I just opened by admitting that to her. Well, since the lid to the box is open, I might as well go all in. I have never backed down from a confrontation in my life, and this is important.

“I am in trouble, Ry. The past has a grip on me I can’t shake. I have been running from it for years, but it is snapping at my a***d back into those nightmares. I have used sex, booze, and beating the s*t o**t of myself to hold* that**it at bay”

Slowly, I close the distance between us, then with a shaking hand, I reach up to cup her cheek.

“The darkness inside, my mind is tearing me apart, and I don’t want to drag you down with me. You deserve someone who is worthy of you. I am broken and can’t): give you what you deseïve until I fix myself.”

“Aaron, you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You may be broken, but you are not alone. If t you until you come to me and tell me you are ready to move forward ”

is what you need to heal, then I will wait for

With that said, she places a tender kiss on my lips, then turns around and walks owry

“The soldier above all others prays for pence, for it is the soldier who must suller and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.” Douglas MacArthur