Mated To The Cold Hearted Alpha
Chapter 94

Hycinth

My Wolf’s howling had echoed in my mind, panic and devastation ripping through her as she watched her mate walk away. But now, the only thing that remained was silence.

I needed to comfort her. She would make it through this just as I would, but I was in no frame of mind to be of use to anyone right then. Tears coursed down my cheeks. I’d dreaded the moment I had to walk away from Leander. I’d known it would hurt. I just never anticipated feeling such striking emptiness and…lack of purpose. There was a gaping hole in my chest that I suspected would never be filled again.

I also hadn’t been prepared for Leander to bring up his mother right then, and I certainly wasn’t emotionally prepared for the conversation, not while we were on the cusp of saying goodbye. I cringed as remembered the harsh words spoken. I wished there’d been a way to speak the truths of my heart without destroying him, but my chaotic frame of mind had resulted in cold, hard responses.

On one hand, I understood and couldn’t deny Leander’s motivation for what he’d done. We were wolves who engaged in violent wars. Our packs had fought over territory as far back as I could remember. Devastating losses had been inflicted on both sides.

But my father had found a way to take out Alpha Cyril. Using one of the many strategies of war he taught me the most efficient way to take down an Alpha was to take out his Luna-their targeted strike resulted in exactly what he wanted. Alpha Cyril stepped down within six months of his mate’s death, unable to manage his duties as alpha and grieve at the same time, leaving Leander in his place.

And that was where my parents had gone wrong. They’d underestimated Leander. In return, Leander had taken his just revenge. I got that. I knew why he did it. I never needed him to tell me why he’d killed hundreds of people. We were at war and wars had casualties. It was as simple as that.

And it was because I understood what drove his behavior that I was able to separate his two identities in my mind avenging alpha versus loving mate-and still care for him.

I’d forgiven Leander because his motivation was no different than my parents. Unfortunately, in war, someone always had to win at the cost of another. It pained me deeply to know my parents were the cause of Leander’s mother’s death, especially the violence of it. My father and mother started a devastating catalyst that ended with our pack gone and me standing right where I was now.

I saw the truth of it all, quite clearly…but it didn’t change anything.

My forgiveness didn’t mean I could just forget. Nor did understanding Leander’s motivation negate my choice in the matter. And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to stay. I did.

Yes, damage had been done on both sides of our packs and despite that violent history, his pack seemed to partially accept me. Our interactions had been mostly positive…until I brought up any of my family or my past. They weren’t ugly to me but they shut down. It pained me that even though I hadn’t been the one to personally trespass against them, their distaste for my family and pack was so ingrained that so many precious moments I had while growing up were not welcome to be shared.

But even though I felt disappointment at not being able to share fifteen years of my life, I would accept the burden that it was just the price I had to pay to atone for the actions of my pack and parents, if it meant we could create new memories, happy times that we could all look back on and enjoy together.

Gwen and Willow were precious to me. I had gone so long without female Wolf companionship and friendship. I craved their closeness and connection so much, it hurt.

My love for them was the reason I’d willingly gone through the Claiming Ceremony. Years of infertility had caused unbearable pain and suffering. By this point, it was clear their only hope to have a pup of their own was a ceremony that transcended natures usual course, but an opportunity so rare, that it only came around once in a generation, and only between the Alpha and his fated mate-me. On this occasion, when the Alpha claimed his rightful mate, the impossible was possible the mated pairs in attendance could conceive without being in heat.

I had given them everything I could before I had to say goodbye. Again, the pain in my heart flared brightly. I would be losing so much when I walked away, but Leander had killed my parents and my pack. I didn’t deny the justification but desperately wished that it had been anyone else…just not Leander’s hands that ended their lives. That harsh truth would always be between us.

Leander had resolved himself to our unfortunate circumstances- bound by the moon but doomed by events neither of us had put into motion. He was ready to put it past him, but he wasn’t facing the same challenge that I was-it had not been my hands that had taken his mother’s life.

If I had been the one to kill her, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would already be dead by now, making my choice of whether or not to be with him irrelevant. Would Leander have really been able to get past the awful images in his head like he was asking me to? I hadn’t personally witnessed their deaths, but I’d seen enough war and devastation for my mind to conjure scenarios so painful, they took my breath away- Leander’s razor-sharp teeth at the throat of my mother; his claws ravaging my father’s body until no life remained. My heart clenched. I missed them so much, it hurt. For three long years, I’d desperately shoved the unwanted truth out of my head so I could function and survive my fate.

It just wasn’t the same. Maybe that’s the question I should have asked Leander before leaving. Had he really considered how he would have reacted if faced with the same scenario I was? Regardless of any just cause, could he have even touched me, knowing it had been my hands that snuffed out her life? The alternate reality ran through my head. The mate bond would have compelled him forward and he’d already made it clear, the Claiming Ceremony was his first priority, enough that he was willing to mark me against my will if he had to, so yes, we’d probably be exactly where we were now if the tables had been turned.