My Fiancée Hates Me
Chapter 103: Hollow Memories

I soon found myself on the ground with the vial spilled over by my side and Erik hovering over me with his entire body.

"Do you have to remember everything? Why can we not just continue living like this?" Erik asked with a pained expression.

"It would all be a lie in the end," I said coldly.

"...If not remembering is making you suffer either way, I will tell you the truth, so don't take suspicious drugs anymore," Erik said as he helped me up and sat me back on my bed.

"I want to hear all of it," I said.

"...I will start with the fact that we are no longer engaged. You went through with it when you requested to go through with it to my father. He always had a soft spot for you and the Duchess, so he readily agreed when you asked for the dissolution of our engagement," Erik said.

"You agreed?"

"Of course, I didn't," Erik said.

When Erik told me that I had left him because I had proclaimed that I was deeply in love with Garett. I could not believe it at first, but gradually felt that all of the pieces fit together despite still not remembering one thing about him from our second lives.

As I heard all of this, I could only think 'Wow, the other me was pretty wild'...

I must have had a crazy meter running to think of such a reason as to use Garett in my schemes. I had always thought that I had acted within rationality, but for me to do such a thing, I can only call myself a true deviant.

"In the past, I always knew that you had a special place for Garett in your heart," Erik said.

I felt my heart drop for a moment.

"...I never did anything disgraceful with him while I was married to you," I said.

"...I knew that Garett was in love with you ever since we were young. His eyes would always follow you wherever you were, but he always kept silent about his feelings because you were going to be my Queen. People who were jealous of his excellence put up baseless rumors about his improper feelings towards you but that also resulted in rumors of your infidelity to which it reached my ears. Of course, I did not believe in them but had to replace out Garett's true feelings. When I confronted him about his feelings, he told me honestly that he was sincerely in love with you but would not do anything that would dare hurt your reputation and left right before our wedding. In my heart, I was a little glad because I could then continue to keep you to myself," Erik confessed.

"...Erik."

"You were perfect when you supported me as my other half, but I never once really saw you open your heart to me after our marriage. Whenever I told you that I loved you, it always seemed as if you were parroting after me...I just thought that you were the type who just could not fully open your heart," Erik said solemnly.

"No, that is not true. I have opened my heart to you before..."

While I was receiving lessons as the future Queen, many of my tutors told me that it was shameful to show emotion or cling to Erik, so I closed off my heart and most of my emotions.

"You probably do not remember the day you saw Garett's corpse very well either. Against all advisory, you personally removed his head from the wooden stake in the ground and cradled him in your arms. You cried your heart out for what seemed like hours," Erik said.

Images of that day started flooding into my head. Everything was just as Erik said. I cradled Garett's head in my arms. I could remember the little details such as the lavender color of my dress that I wore that day, the heavy metallic scent of blood I smelled, the dirt that covered the ends of my dress, and how I was covered with Garett's blood.

The only thing that I could not recall was Erik's face that day...

"I was the one who refused to exchange Garett for the documents on Asmarian ancient weaponry, but you never blamed me and acted as if you were the one who let him die. It was not long after that you changed," Erik continued.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You were relentless and cruel. You started a purge of the entire kingdom starting with Marquis Pillar's son as a prime example. You also brought to light a number of corrupted Nobles and either whipped them into shape or executed ones you saw no hope in," Erik said.

As he told me what had happened in the past, my memories of that time started flooding back to me.

Garett was a big part of my life. I thought that he only protected me from that time I got kidnapped, but it turns out that he has been there for me and protecting me for a long time and that he held a bigger place in my heart than I thought he did.

My oblivious nature made me realize everything too late. It was only until I lost him that a large hole opened in my heart. That marked the beginning of those long dark days...

"I was cruel and ruthless because I felt a strong void in my heart. If only I did it all sooner, Garett and everyone else would not have had to die," I said as I covered my face with my hands.

"Many Nobles found it unpleasant that someone, much less a woman, was so competent and ruthless. Even my Advisors said that there was a chance that the Nobles would gather to put together rumors that could hurt your reputation and in return decrease your influence over them. The most sure-fire way of solidifying your position would have been to make you bear an heir," Erik said.

"Is that why you..."

"How cruel would it have been if I suggested that while I knew your heart was leaving me? You barely spoke to me much less looked at me even though I was your husband! During that loneliness, I wanted for you to look at me even if it meant hurting you and I incidentally did. I vowed to love and cherish you, but things were already so irreparable then," Erik said as he laced his hands together.

I was hurting then. All I wanted for you to do was stay by my side...but not that way.

"Then, as if some miracle happened, you forgot about the entire incident of when Garett died and returned back to who you were. For the first time in six months since Garett died, you finally smiled at me again. I thought that you forgetting was a way for you to cope with the sadness, so I never tried forcing you to relive those memories again. Even if it was all a lie, you returned to me for a short while," Erik continued.

In those memories, Erik also kept me at an arm's length because he knew that I was hurting, but I was the person who first pulled away.

"When I found out that I was pregnant, I truly was happy... That part is not a lie," I said as I hugged Erik.

"...Thank you," Erik said as he pats my back.

After a while, we soon separated.

Erik soon got on his knees in front of me and gripped my hands ever so slightly as he gazed at me straightforwardly.

"...Erik?"

"I love you and will love you until the end of time... Will you please give me another chance and marry me again?" Erik asked.

"...I still love you and will probably continue loving you forever," I said with tears falling from my eyes.

Erik seemed to understand my answer from how I reacted.

I knew that I loved Erik but could not love him with all of my heart. We hurt each other too many times... It was to the point where I could not accept him as my partner anymore.

"...I still do not want to accept it. Your heart no longer recognizes me as the most important person in your life anymore," Erik said with tears falling down the side of his face.

"Why do I feel like this? I should obviously love you whom is the number one person in my heart, but why does my body tell me that you are not the one I am looking for?" I asked as I began crying. "My heart is always weeping despite being with you."

"I had lived two lives but constantly wondered if I was always fighting for a place in your heart. I knew deep down that there was someone more important to you in your heart but could not accept it. I did so many terrible things to you out of jealousy and constantly made you suffer because I could not let you go because of my selfishness. I'm sorry for everything, Arielle," Erik said.

My heart hurts as if it was being stabbed by a thousand needles.

"I'm sorry too for being such a terrible fiancée, Erik..." I said as I wiped his tears away with my hands.

I soon coughed onto my hands. My hands were surprisingly both dyed in my fresh blood. When I coughed again, I found myself choking on my own vomit of blood.

"Arielle!"

This must be my punishment for hurting so many people in my past life. I was now paying for my mistakes...☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐