My Kingdom Come book 1: The Saints We See
Chapter 49: Courage

667 standard years after the signing of the Alliance

Short panting breaths brushed Hathu’s ear and hair. He opened his eyes. Mik’s cheek was resting against his. Hathu remembered Mik’s cheek had been gashed open on Hathu’s tusk, when he had grabbed him and jerked him forward. Hathu knew the wound had closed, but it hadn’t fully healed. Hathu’s claws were still embedded in Mik’s sides and back, his fingers pressing into warm flesh. Mik was shaking, but he didn’t pull away, he just rested there in Hathu’s clawed grip.

Hathu’s stomach clenched and bile burned the back of his throat. He almost jerked his hands away, but he forced himself to be still for a moment then extracted his claws as gently as he could. Mik’s soft breaths stopped for a few moments, his body tensing slightly, then his breathing resumed.

Hathu waited for Mik to move away but he didn’t so Hathu gently pressed against him and Mik shifted his weight to his knees clinging to Hathu’s arms for support. “I’m sorry, master.” He murmured.

“What are you sorry for?” Hathu asked, still pressing Mik to move away from him.

Mik leaned back and dragged himself away from Hathu on trembling arms, then carefully rearranged himself into a kneeling position with bowed head and rested his hands on his thighs. “I don’t mean to be a bother, master.”

Hathu scowled. “You have nothing to apologize for. I should be apologizing to you. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, master.”

What the hell is your definition of fine? Hathu sat there leaning against the wall frowning at Mik. He reflexively felt for his restless prime, but then realized that he was completely calm. His pent up emotions and built up venom were all gone. His frown deepened. “How did you…what did you do to me?”

“I gave you my blood, master. I helped you…heal faster. Reset.”

Hathu swallowed. He didn’t know how he knew, but he knew that this was the reason Mik couldn’t heal properly. “I could…hear or feel or…I could see your memories. Could you see mine?”

“Yes, master.” Hathu could smell fear coming from him, but his face and body remained still and passive.

“Can you read my mind right now?”

“No, master. It was because we were physically connected, my blood had become part of you, but it was still connected to me. I severed the connection. My blood is fully yours now.”

“Your blood is mine now.” Hathu repeated dumbly, his hands clenching in his lap.

“Yes, master.” There was silence for a moment, then Mik asked softly, “have I displeased you, master?”

Hathu stared at Mik for another moment before answering. “No. You haven’t displeased me. I was just…this isn’t what I expected, at all. Last time I came off zarpan it was- it took a long time and it was horrible. I thought,” Hathu swallowed, his voice dropped to a whisper. “I thought I was going to kill you.” He watched Mik but he didn’t react. After a few seconds MIk glanced towards Hathu from the corner of his eye and bowed his head a little lower.

“What? What are you thinking?” Hathu asked.

“The thought that you might kill me bothers you, doesn’t it, master?”

“Yes.”

The expression on Mik’s face changed slightly.

“What are you thinking?”

“I meant what I said, master. I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity to serve you. If that means suffering or dying, I will accept that with thanks on my lips and gratitude in my heart.” Everything about Mik’s demeanor spoke sincerity. “You are a good man, master.”

Hathu remembered the moment that Mik had first said that to him. The way his prime had savagely wanted to use, hurt and break Mik. His fists clenched tighter and his stomach churned. That desire would probably come back as his prime gained strength again. I’m the furthest things from a good man, I’m a gods’ dammed monster.

Concern came over Mik’s face. “Master?”

“I thought you said you couldn’t read my mind.”.

“I can’t, master. I’m empathic. I can feel your emotions.”

Hathu squeezed his eyes shut and leaned his head back against the wall. He knew his anxiety would only speed the process of his prime becoming uncontrollable all over again, but the only thing he had ever learned to do with his anxiety was to suppress it until he couldn’t anymore.

“Master? Do you want to use me?”

“What?”

“Do you want to use me, master? That might help calm your nerves.”

Hathu opened his eyes and raised his head frowning. “Use you?”

“Yes, master. How may I serve you?”

Mik’s body was still relaxed, but Hathu could smell anxiety on him. “Am I making you nervous?”

“No, master.” The answer sounded sincere, but Hathu was sure Mik was lying. He clenched his jaw. If his anxiety could set Mik off like this, Hathu was going to have to learn to control his emotions better.

Mik swayed slightly and Hathu was sharply reminded that Mik had been sleep deprived and starved and then had given Hathu an unknown amount of his blood. He got to his feet and went over to Mik, holding out his hand.

Mik took his hand and Hathu pulled him to his feet. He put his arm around Mik’s waist when Mik staggered unsteadily. Mik again leaned easily into Hathu’s side as he gently led him over to the bed. As relaxed as Mik felt against Hathu’s side, his heart was beginning to pound and the scent of fear on him was growing. Hathu frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine, master.”

Hathu let out a soft sigh and helped him sit on the bed. Mik’s head was bowed so that Hathu couldn’t see his face, but his hands were trembling.

Hathu crouched in front of Mik and raised his chin. Mik’s eyes fastened onto Hathu’s right ear, the panic in his eyes confirming Hathu’s suspicion. Fuck. “Look at me.”

Mik’s breath hitched, he swallowed. His eyes moved towards Hathu’s face, they hesitated. It took take a great deal of effort for Mik to raise his gaze to Hathu’s. His eyes were even darker in color than they had been before.

“What’s wrong?”

MIk’s eyes began filling with tears. “I’m sorry, master. Please forgive me. I want to serve you, I do.”

“Mik. What’s wrong?”

Mik’s breath went ragged. “I…I don’t know what you want me to say, master.”

Something about the openness of Mik’s gaze and body language even though he was so afraid helped Hathu relax a little. Maybe he hadn’t frightened Mik, maybe it was the rules Mik had been trained to follow, and he was probably still in pain. “I want you to be honest with me. Why are you afraid?”

Mik swallowed. “Please, master, I-” He shut his eyes. He reached up and lightly hooked his slender fingers over Hathu’s thumb and pinky, slipping his chin out of Hathu’s grasp. He laid his forehead against Hathu’s fingers. “I beg you not to make me answer, master. I can lie facedown so you can enjoy using my body without having to see my face.”

Hathu started back, horror stabbing through him as he realized what Mik meant by using him. “No.” He said sharply. “No, that’s not what- look at me.”

Mik raised his face, resting his chin on Hathu’s fingertips again and released his light hold on Hathu’s thumb and pinky. He looked up, but couldn’t quite meet Hathu’s gaze. Tears were streaking down his cheeks. His expression was despondent.

Hathu stared at him. When their minds had been linked he had caught a few brief flashes of the abuse Mik had suffered for the last year and a half. He also knew that Mik expected more of the same kind of treatment from Hathu. If Hathu let himself, his prime would teach him to be brutal to his slave. To Mik. Hathu could not let that happen.

I will learn to control my beast.

The thought of Mik living under the rules of his training, bowing and scraping to Hathu, calling him ‘master’ for the rest of his days, giving only the answers he thought Hathu wanted to hear filled Hathu with revulsion.

“Mik, l need you to look at me.” Hathu repeated in a softer tone. Once again he could see the effort it took Mik to raise his eyes that last inch to meet his gaze. Hathu’s jaw tightened. He wondered what kind ‘training’ Mik had gone through to cause him so much fear.

“You need to understand, the thought of owning another sentient is disgusting to me, Mik; if I could set you free I would, but you’re not allowed to be free. Also,” Hathu swallowed, “I’m ashamed to say, right now I need you. I can’t keep my prime in check, you can help me do that.

“I’m sorry I tied your life to mine. I’m sorry that I need you to help regulate my prime. I’ll do my best to make up for all that. I’ll take care of you as best as I can, but I need you to be honest with me. If I don’t know what your needs are, I can’t take care of them. Do you understand?”

“Yes, master.”

“Good. That’s what I want from you, Mik: honesty. When I ask you a question I don’t want you to give me the answer you think I want to hear, I want you to be honest. I want you to speak up if you’re afraid, or in pain, I want to speak up if you need something. Do you understand?”

“Yes, master.” Mik’s tears had slowed, he searched Hathu’s gaze as if he were looking for the meaning behind Hathu’s words.

“Be honest with me,” Hathu repeated.

Mik’s gaze dropped, then jerked back up to meet Hathu’s again. “Yes, master.” His mouth opened again, Hathu waited. “Please…please be patient with me, master. This goes against everything I’ve been trained to become.”

Hathu gave a nod. “We’ll learn together. Okay? I wasn’t planning on ever having a slave, so this is new territory for me too.”

“Yes, master.”

“I want you to call me Hathu.”

Mik’s eyes widened. “Yes, m- I-yes…yes, Hathu.”

“And I want to you to learn to look me in the eye when I talk to you, or you talk to me.”

“Yes-” Mik swallowed. “Yes, master Hathu.”

“No.” Hathu shook his head. “Not master Hathu, just Hathu.”

“Yes, Hathu.”

Hathu nodded. He released Mik’s chin. “Now, explain to me why you were so afraid a minute ago.”

Mik’s shoulders stiffened ever so slightly, his gaze dropped. He jerked his eyes back up to meet Hathu’s again. “I…” panic fluttered in his eyes. “Please, mas- Hathu, please understand I want to serve you. I will gladly give you anything you ask of me, but I’m…you- you told me to be honest.”

Hathu gave a nod.

“Intercourse- sex has always been…been very painful and frightening for me. Always. There have been clients who have tried to make it pleasurable for me, my old master tried to train me to replace pleasure in my clients attentions when they wanted it, but I-I’ve never been able to feel anything but fear and pain. I’ve been trained to give sex as a release for other’s stress, anger and frustration, but for me there’s nothing more painful.

There are things that I fear more than pain and I will always accept whatever pain is required of me; but pain…it’s still painful. I can’t…” Mik swallowed convulsively. “My body is yours, master. I am eager to serve you in every way you desire, but I can’t stop my body from being afraid of pain.” Mik stopped. His gaze was pleading, as if he was willing Hathu to understand what he was trying to say.

Hathu nodded, the anger in his chest growing. “I didn’t bring you over to the bed to…to use you like that, Mik. I could see that you’re exhausted. I wanted to you sleep.”

A nonplussed expression filled Mik’s eyes.

“I won’t- I don’t want sex from you, Mik. Don’t offer yourself to me in that way again, okay?”

Mik swallowed. He was still searching Hathu’s face with an uncertain look in his eyes, but the scent of fear was beginning to dissipate. “Yes, master.”

“Call me Hathu.”

Mik’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry, ma-“ he pressed his lips together. “Yes, Hathu.”

Hathu nodded. “Now, go to sleep.”

Mik’s eyes darkened. He opened his mouth slightly then pressed his lips together.

“What is it?”

Mik ducked his head, then raised it again and forced himself to meet Hathu’s gaze. “May I have your permission to sleep on the floor, Hathu?”

Hathu frowned. “Why?”

“Beds have not been safe places for me for a long time. I would feel more comfortable on the floor.”

Dismay and outrage blazed up inside Hathu, his breath catching in his throat. “Of course. I’m sorry. Yes, you can sleep wherever you’d like.”

Mik slipped off the bed, to his knees. He bowed in front of Hathu’s crouching figure, kissed the toe of Hathu’s shoe, then touched his forehead to Hathu’s foot. “Thank you, Hathu.”

Hathu looked down at Mik in surprise for a moment, then he reached down and gently brushed his fingertips over the top of Mik’s head. I will do my best not to fail you, Mik.