My sensual criminals
Meditating on the present life

Isa's expression is stricken, and instantly, I feel bad.

"Look, I'm sorry," I apologize. "I just don't want to talk about it, okay? At least, not today. It's a tough subject and I'm exhausted." My friend nods with understanding.

"Of course, I totally understand," she says sympathetically. "I've already met your father and he's not easy to deal with. Take your time, Ari. You know I'm here for you."

I nod my head and pretend to eat my bagel again as Isabela continues to prattle on about the prom. But all I can sense is my surprise at the news.

On one hand, I shouldn't be surprised, because I've always known that Jack and James are criminals. They were in my room with the intention of robbing my family, so it wasn't a secret. But on the other hand, I'm in shock because seeing their faces on the news like that makes it so real. Suddenly, I can't hide from the hard truth anymore. I've been in a dirty relationship with two men who should be in jail and who just robbed our downstairs neighbor.

What am I thinking, how can this be happening? Clearly, they didn't rob us because of me. Instead, they moved in on our neighbor, and robbed poor blind Mr. Anderson. Ugh. I hope he has insurance.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur. While my teachers won't stop, I think about how Jack and James are considered dangerous criminals by the police. And yet, I'm having secret sex with them. Dirty, hot, delicious animal sex. Oh God, if only people knew! The secret fills me with trepidation and excitement. These huge, strong, rock-hard criminals could have hurt me in so many ways by now, but instead, they have given me nothing but pleasure and a feeling of acceptance and belonging. The thought fills me with warmth and an unbearable longing to see them again.

That feeling stays with me all day until dinner, when I have no choice but to sit with my parents at the table. I eat with my usual gusto, ignoring my father as he concentrates on some documents. I chew my risotto and look at my mother, who has yet to touch hers. I'm used to my mother's lack of appetite, but today Melisa is paler than usual. I try to get her attention, but she is dejectedly staring at something on the tablecloth.

"Ariana!" my father barks suddenly, making me wince. "Stop staring at your mother's food - isn't your own ration enough for you?". With a sinking feeling, I put my fork down. Her nonchalant and cruel comments about my appetite and body shape have always managed to embarrass me. Especially since my mother never stands up for me. But I don't blame her, not anymore. What can a simple woman do against a man filled with so much hatred? Against her own family? "And you, Melisa," she directs my mother. "You'd better eat a few bites; you're beginning to look like a corpse." My mother barely reacts. Her eyes blink slowly and she picks up her fork like a zombie. I feel terrible for her. A sudden feeling of indignation comes over me. What kind of family is this? What kind of man would talk to his wife and daughter like this? Shaming them at the dinner table, not saying a kind word to them.

"And why do you think it's like that, father?". I hear myself suddenly hurl at him before I can stop myself. My voice is quiet and shaky, but direct. Harrison glares at me with venom. From across the table, I can see my mother looking at me in surprise, and to be honest, I'm full of surprise too. I've never confronted him like this before, but now that I've opened Pandora's box, I can't back down. I'm going to have to go all the way.

"Why do you think Mother is so thin, Father? Why do you think she never tries a bite?" I continue, my heart hammering in my chest.

"Ari...," Melisa begins weakly, but is interrupted by my father's hand, raised toward her in a "stop" gesture without taking his eyes off me.

"No, Melisa," he snaps at her. "Let's hear what he has to say. This should be good."

"It is, Father," I say, trying to sound confident, but I'm trembling. "Normally, I keep quiet, don't I? I take whatever insults are thrown at me. All we're trying to do is please you, but neither of us are good enough. No matter what we do, you always replace some way to put us down."

Shit, what am I doing? But it's too late now. My father looks at me with venom in his eyes, the veins in his forehead throbbing. My mother looks at me with a mixture of shock and horror.

"Mom tries to be thin because you think it's elegant and pretty, but when she doesn't eat, you look down on her. You think I'm fat, and you don't mind reminding me of it every dinner. I've been at the top of my class for years to please you, and I get an A, and you decide to pull my college fund, erasing my future."

"Enough!" my father suddenly shouts, his fist coming down hard on the table. "Get out of my sight, you ungrateful pig!" he scolds me. I don't waste any time. I've said my piece and it's time to leave. I push my chair back and, as calmly as possible, walk out of the dining room. As I walk away, I hear my father yelling at my mother about something or other. I close my eyes, regretful, knowing that I've probably only made things worse for Melisa.

Back in my room, I pace back and forth, thinking over and over about what just happened. What happened to me? Where did I get such sudden confidence? But I already know the answer: my affair with Jack and James. I've been making love to two handsome criminals, right under my father's nose. If I'm capable of that, what else am I capable of?

A sudden knock on the door brings me back to my senses and I realize it's dark. How long has it been since the dinner incident? I must have been so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't realize time was passing.