Reminders of Him: A Novel
Reminders of Him: Chapter 36

I’m in the shower when I hear a knock at my front door. It startles me because it’s more like an incessant pounding. Lady Diana wouldn’t knock like that, and she’s the only person who has ever been here other than Ledger.

I’ve just rinsed the conditioner out of my hair, so I open the bathroom door and yell, “Hold on!” I frantically try to dry myself and my hair with a towel as much as I can so I don’t drip water all the way to my front door.

I pull on a T-shirt and a pair of panties, and then grab my jeans and head to the door to check the peephole. When I see that it’s Ledger, I unlock the door and then start pulling on the jeans as he makes his way inside.

He seems jarred that I’m not fully dressed. He just stands there and stares at me until I get my jeans buttoned. I smile. “You ditched your parents?”

He pulls me in for a kiss, but I’m caught off guard, because this kiss is more than just a kiss. There’s so much behind the way his mouth presses against mine, it’s like it’s been weeks since he’s seen me, but it’s only been about three hours.

“You smell so good,” he says, pressing his face into my wet hair. He slides his hands down my thighs and then lifts me, wrapping my legs around his waist. He walks us to the couch and lowers us onto it.

“This isn’t a bed,” I tease.

He nips at my bottom lip with his teeth. “It’s okay, I’m not as thoughtful as I tried to be earlier today. I’d have sex with you just about anywhere right now.”

“If this is happening, you might want to move me to that inflatable mattress, because this couch is questionable.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. He lifts me and drops me on the mattress, but as he’s kissing my neck, Ivy begins to meow. She climbs up onto the mattress and starts licking Ledger’s hand. He stops kissing me and looks at my kitten.

“This is awkward.”

“I’ll put her in the bathroom.” I move the kitten to the bathroom and lock her in with her food and water. I lower myself on top of Ledger this time. I straddle him, sitting up, and he runs his hands up and down my thighs while his eyes scroll over me.

“Are you still feeling good about this?” he asks.

“About what? Us?”

He nods.

“I’ve never felt good about us. Us is a terrible idea.”

He grabs the front of my shirt and pulls me down until our mouths are almost touching. He rolls his other hand over my ass. “I’m serious.”

I smile, because he can’t expect me to be serious while also pressing himself against me like this. “Are you trying to have a legitimate conversation while I’m on top of you?”

He flips us over so that he’s hovering over me now. “I brought condoms. I want to take off your clothes. I want to have sex with you again, but I also feel like I should have a conversation with the Landrys before this goes any further.”

“It’s just sex.”

He sighs and then says, “Kenna.” He just says my name like he’s lecturing me, but then he presses his mouth to mine, and it’s sweet and soft and so very different from every kiss that has come before it.

I understand what he’s saying, but I think I’m tired of circling around this discussion because I’d like to not think about it for a while. Every time I’m with him, my situation is all I think about. It’s arduous, and to be honest, it’s scary.

I lift a hand to his cheek and brush a piece of couch fuzz away. “You really want to know how I feel?”

“Yes. That’s why I’m asking.”

“We both keep going back and forth. You worry, and then I worry, and then you worry, but the worry won’t solve this. I feel like this isn’t going to end well. Or maybe it will. Either way, we like being with each other, so until it ends well or ends terribly, I don’t really want to waste our time together going in circles about a future we can’t predict. So just get me naked and make love to me.”

Ledger shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “It’s like you read my mind.”

Maybe, but everything I just said out loud isn’t at all what I feel.

What I feel is terrified. I know in my heart that there’s nothing he can say that will change the Landrys’ minds about me. They aren’t even wrong. The decision they’re making for themselves is the right decision because it’s the decision that will bring them the most peace.

I’m going to respect that decision.

After tonight.

But right now, I’m going to be selfish and focus on the one person in this world who sees me the way I wish everyone could see me. And if that means I have to lie to him and pretend this story can possibly have a happy ending, then that’s what I’ll do.

I pull off his shirt, and then my shirt is next, followed by our jeans, and within seconds, we’re both naked and he’s putting on a condom. I don’t know why we’re rushing, but we’re doing everything with urgency. Kissing, touching, gasping as if we’re running out of time.

He kisses his way down my body until his head is between my legs. He kisses both thighs before slowly separating me with his tongue. The sensation is so strong I dig my heels into the mattress and slide up it, so he has to grip my thighs and pull my body back to his mouth. I reach for something to grab on to, but there’s not even a blanket, so I put my hands in his hair and keep them there, moving in rhythm with his head.

It doesn’t take me long to finish, and as the sensations roll through me and my legs tense, Ledger intensifies the motion of his tongue. I tremble and moan until I can’t take it anymore. I need him back inside me. I pull on his hair until he crawls up my body, and this time he pushes into me in one quick movement.

He thrusts so hard, over and over, until we somehow end up on the floor next to the inflatable mattress, covered in sweat and out of breath by the time it’s over.

We wind up in the shower together, my back against his chest. The water is running over us as he holds me quietly.

The thought of saying goodbye to him at some point makes me want to curl up and cry, so I try to convince myself that I’m wrong about the Landrys. I try to lie to myself by saying things will work out between us. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this month, but hopefully Ledger is right. Maybe one of these days he can change their minds.

Maybe he’ll say something to them that will plant a seed, and that seed will grow and grow until they start to feel empathy for me.

Whatever happens, I’ll always be grateful to him for the forgiveness he gave me, whether I get it from anyone else or not.

I turn around and face him; then I lift my hand and touch his cheek. “I would have fallen for you even if you didn’t love Diem.”

His expression shifts, and then he kisses the inside of my palm. “I fell for you because of how much you do.”

Dammit, Ledger.

I kiss him for that.