Reminders of Him: A Novel
Reminders of Him: Chapter 38

There’s a little more bounce in my step as soon as I walk out of the store and spot Ledger’s truck across the parking lot.

He sees me exit the store, so he drives across the lot to pick me up. I climb inside the truck and scoot across the seat to give him a kiss. He doesn’t turn to face me, so my lips land on his cheek.

I would sit in the middle, but his console is down, and he’s got a drink in the cup holder, so I sit in the passenger seat and pull on my seat belt.

He’s wearing shades and hasn’t looked at me since I got into the truck. I begin to grow concerned, but then he reaches across his console to hold my hand, and it puts me at ease. I was starting to worry that he spent the day regretting last night, but I can feel in the way he squeezes my hand that he’s happy to see me. Paranoia is annoying. “Guess what?”

“What?”

“I got a promotion. Cashier. It pays two dollars more an hour.”

“That’s great, Kenna.” He still doesn’t look at me, though. He releases my hand and leans an elbow on his door, resting his head against his left hand while he drives with his right. I stare at him for a little bit, wondering why he seems different. Quieter.

My mouth is starting to run dry, so I say, “Can I have a sip of your drink?”

Ledger takes it out of the cup holder and hands it to me. “It’s sweet tea. A couple of hours old.”

I take a drink and stare at him the whole time. I put the cup back in the holder. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“Did you talk to them? Did something happen?”

“It’s nothing,” he says, his voice thick with the lie. I think he recognizes how unconvincing he sounds, because after a pause, he adds, “Let’s just get to your place first.”

I sink into my seat when he says that. Anxiety rolls through me like a wave.

I don’t push him to tell me now because I’m scared to know what has him so stiff. I stare out my window the whole way to my apartment with a gut feeling that this will be the last time Ledger Ward gives me a ride home.

He pulls into the parking spot and kills his engine. I unbuckle and exit the truck, but after I close my door, I realize he’s still sitting there. He taps his steering wheel with his thumb, looking lost in thought. After several seconds, he finally opens his door and gets out.

I walk around to meet him and get a better read on him, but I pause as soon as I’m face to face with him.

“Oh, my God.” His lip is swollen. I rush up to him, just as he slides the sunglasses on top of his head. That’s when I see the black eye. I’m scared to ask, so my voice is timid when I say, “What happened?”

He closes the gap between us and wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him so that his chin is resting on top of my head. He just tucks me to him for a beat and then gives me a chaste kiss on the side of my head. “Let’s go inside.” He slips his hand through mine and leads me up the stairs.

Once we’re inside my apartment, I barely have the door shut before I ask him again. “What happened, Ledger?”

He leans against the counter and grabs my hand. He pulls me to him and smooths my hair back, looking down at me. “They saw my truck here this morning.”

Any morsel of hope I left with this morning immediately dissipates. “He hit you?”

Ledger nods, and I have to back away and compose myself because I feel nauseous. I want to cry, because how mad would Patrick have to be to hit someone? The way Scotty and Ledger have talked about him, he doesn’t seem like the type to lose his temper easily. Which means . . . they hate me. They hate me so much the thought of Ledger and me together made a generally kind, calm man lose his mind on him.

I was right. They’re making him choose.

The panic begins spreading from my chest to all the other parts of my body. I take a sip of water, and then I pick up Ivy, who has been meowing at my feet. I pet her. I try to replace comfort in her presence. She’s my only constant now, because this story is ending exactly how I predicted it. No plot twists at all.

I came here with one goal, and that was to try to forge a relationship with the Landrys and with my daughter. But they’ve made it very clear that it’s not something they want. Maybe it’s just not something they can emotionally handle.

I put Ivy back on the floor and then fold my arms across my chest. I can’t even look at Ledger when I ask him this question. “Did they ask you to stop seeing me?”

He exhales, and his sigh is everything I need to know. I try to hold it together, but I just want him to leave. Or maybe I need to leave.

This apartment, this town, this state. I want as far away from my daughter as I can get, because the closer I am to her without being able to see her, the more tempting it becomes to just go to their house and take her. I’m desperate enough that if I stay here too much longer, I might do something stupid.

“I need money.”

Ledger looks at me like he didn’t understand the question, or he can’t process why I need money.

“I need to move, Ledger. I can pay you back, but I need to leave, and I don’t have enough money to get a new place. I can’t stay here.”

“Wait,” he says, stepping toward me. “You’re leaving? You’re giving up?”

His choice of words makes me angry. “I’d say I tried pretty damn hard. They have a restraining order against me—I wouldn’t call that giving up.”

“What about us? You’re just going to walk away?”

“Don’t be an asshole. This is harder for me than it is for you. At least you still get Diem in the end.”

He grips my shoulders, but I look away from him, so he moves his hands to the sides of my head. He tilts my face and directs my focus back to his. “Kenna, don’t. Please. Wait a few weeks. Let’s just see what happens.”

“We know what happens. We’ll keep seeing each other in secret, and we’ll fall in love, but they won’t change their minds and I’ll still have to leave, but it’ll hurt a hell of a lot worse in a few weeks than if I were to just leave right now.” I walk to the closet and grab my suitcase. I open it and toss it on the inflatable mattress and start throwing my shit in it. I can take a bus to the next town and then stay in a hotel until I figure out where to go. “I need money,” I say again. “I’ll pay you back every cent, Ledger. I promise.”

Ledger stomps over to me and shuts my suitcase. “Stop it.” He makes me turn and face him by pulling me in and wrapping me up in his arms. “Stop. Please.”

We’re too late. It already hurts so bad.

I press my hands against his shirt and grip it in my fists. I start to cry. I can’t bear the thought of not being around him, not seeing his smile, not feeling his support. I already miss him even though I’m still standing right here in his arms. But as much as the idea of leaving him hurts, I think my tears are for my daughter. They’re always for her.

“Ledger.” I say his name quietly, and then I lift my head from his chest and look up at him. “The only thing you can do at this point is go over there and apologize to them. Diem needs you. As much as it hurts, if they can’t move past what I did to them, it isn’t your job to repair or mend what’s broken inside of them. It’s your job to support them, and you can’t do that with me in your life.”

His jaw is clenched. It looks like he’s trying not to cry. But it also looks like he knows I’m right. He takes a step away from me and then opens his wallet. “You want my credit card?” he asks, pulling it out. He removes several twenty-dollar bills too. He seems so upset and mad and defeated as he angrily yanks stuff out of his wallet. He tosses his credit card and the cash on the counter, and then he steps toward me, kisses me on the forehead, and leaves.

He slams the door as he goes.

I lean forward and press my elbows into the counter, and I hold my head in my hands and I cry even harder, because I’m angry I allowed myself to get my hopes up. It’s been well over five years since it happened. If they were ever going to forgive me, they’d have done it by now. They’re just not the forgiving type.

There are people who replace peace in forgiveness, and then there are others who look at forgiveness as a betrayal. To them, forgiving me would feel like betraying their own son. I can only hope they change their minds someday, but until then, this is my life. This is where it’s led me.

This is where I start over. Again. And I’m going to have to do it without Ledger or his encouragement or his belief in me. I’m sobbing now, but I’m still able to hear the front door when it swings back open.

I lift my head as he slams the door shut and strides across the room. He lifts me, setting me down on the counter so that we’re eye to eye, and then he kisses me with a sad desperation, as if it’s the last kiss he’ll ever give me.

After breaking our kiss, he looks at me with determination when he says, “I am going to be the best person I can be for your daughter. I promise. I’m going to give her the best life, and when she asks about her mother, I’m going to tell her what a wonderful person you are. I’ll make sure she grows up knowing how much you love her.”

I’m a fucking mess now, because I’m going to miss him so, so much.

He presses his swollen mouth to mine, and I kiss him gently because I don’t want to hurt him. Then our foreheads meet. It looks like he’s struggling to keep his composure. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you.” He starts to back away, pulling apart from me, and it hurts too much to watch him go, so I stare at the floor.

There’s something beneath my feet. It looks like a business card, so I slide off the counter and pick it up. It’s Ledger’s snow cone punch card. It must have fallen out of his wallet when he took everything out of it.

“Ledger, wait.” I meet him at the door and hand him his card. “You need this,” I say, sniffling back tears. “You’re so close to a free snow cone.”

He laughs through his pain, taking the card from me. But then he winces and drops his forehead to mine. “I’m so angry at them, Kenna. This isn’t fair.”

It isn’t. But it isn’t up to us. I kiss him one last time, and then I squeeze his hand and look at him pleadingly. “Don’t hate them. Okay? They’re giving my little girl a good life. Please don’t hate them.”

He barely nods, but it’s a nod. When he lets go of my hand, I don’t want to watch him leave, so I go to my bathroom and close the door.

A few seconds later, I hear my apartment door shut.

I slide to the floor and fall apart.