Reminders of Him: A Novel
Reminders of Him: Chapter 42

I unbuckle Diem from her booster seat and help her out of Ledger’s truck. I already have the cross in my hand, so I grab the hammer from the floorboard.

“You sure you don’t want me to help?” Ledger asks.

I smile at him reassuringly and shake my head. This is something I want to do with Diem.

I lead her to the edge of the road where I first found the cross, and I kick around in the grass and dirt with the toe of my sneaker until I replace the hole the cross was in. I hand the cross to Diem. “See that hole?”

She leans forward to inspect the ground.

“Stick it right there.”

Diem drives the cross into the hole. “Why are we putting this here?”

I push down on the cross, making sure it’s stable. “Because it’ll make your nana happy to know it’s here, in case she ever drives by.”

“Will it make my daddy happy?”

I kneel down next to Diem. I’ve missed so much of her life, which is why I want every minute we spend together to be authentic. I’m always as truthful as I can be with her.

“No. Probably not. Your daddy thought memorials were silly. But your nana doesn’t, and sometimes we do things for people we love, even though we wouldn’t choose to do those things for ourselves.”

Diem reaches for the hammer. “Can I do it?”

I hand her the hammer, and she hits the cross a few times. It doesn’t do much, so when she hands the hammer back to me, I hit it three times until it’s secured into the ground.

I wrap my arms around Diem, and we stare at the cross. “Is there anything you want to say to your daddy?”

Diem thinks about it for a moment and then says, “What do I say? Do I make a wish?”

I laugh. “You can try, but he’s not a genie, or Santa Claus.”

“I wish for a baby sister or a baby brother.”

Don’t you dare grant her wish yet, Scotty. I’ve known Ledger for all of five months.

I pick up Diem and walk her back to the truck. “It takes more than a wish to make a sibling.”

“I know. We have to buy an egg from Walmart. That’s how babies grow.”

I buckle her into the booster seat. “Not exactly. Babies grow in their mother’s tummies. Remember how I told you that you grew in my tummy?”

“Oh, yeah. Then can you grow another baby?”

I stare at Diem, not sure how to answer that. “How about we just get another cat? Ivy needs a friend.”

Diem throws her hands in the air, excited. “Yes! Another kitten!”

I kiss her on the head and shut her door.

Ledger is side-eyeing me when I open the passenger door. He points to the middle of the seat, so I scoot all the way over and buckle in. He grabs my hand and threads our fingers together. He’s looking at me with a glimmer in his eye, as if the idea of giving Diem a sibling excites him.

Ledger kisses me, and then he starts to drive.

For the first time in a long, long time, I want to listen to the radio. I want to hear any song, even the sad ones. I lean forward and turn on the radio. It’s the first time we’ve listened to anything in this truck other than the safe playlist Ledger made me.

He glances at me when he realizes what I’ve done. I just smile at him and lean against his shoulder.

Music still makes me think of Scotty, but thinking of Scotty no longer makes me sad. Now that I’ve forgiven myself, the reminders of him only make me smile.