Revenge And Love Against My Mafia Ex-Husband
Chapter 47

The disappointment of replaceing out that the man I fell in love with was with my sister ate me up, there would have been a thread of probability, if he was with any other woman even with another, but not with my only sister, my Ximena who technically was my only family, I can not stand this feeling that is as if I had a swarm of crabs that eats me up inside, I just want to fall asleep so I can wake up in her arms and not be the most forbidden man, I wish this was a cruel nightmare, I even pray for a chance, I have my altar with figures of various saints, which I ask a lot of them counting that they don't even blink while I cry, I don't know how so much is attributed to an object, I question how there can be a just Creator, if he made me with a heart that every now and then insists on standing still, that seems to be my enemy, that must be why I don't deserve to have a love with this striking organ that surely wouldn't support so much emotional load, although I must not lose faith, the fact that he's with her doesn't mean that they'll merge or that the door of remote possibility will disappear, maybe they'll get bored or fight, or that the veil of my sister's beauty in his eyes will dissolve and he'll look at me, even if it's looking for the family resemblance, anything can happen, I still have a glimmer of illusion, a glimpse of a reality where we'll be spouses growing old together.

-Calm down, calm down," I control myself, I feel that my little heart wants to reveal itself, I don't know the reason or why it insists on wanting to rest in a cold grave for all eternity, "please work," I whisper trying to make it work for the good, I don't want to have to go to the doctor to be filled with chuzones, I try to relax, and the phone rings to make everything worse, it's Ximena, I answer her modulating my voice to sound good, if he invites me somewhere this time I will not refuse the way I have been doing to avoid him, on the contrary, I will take the opportunity to meet him, see his face when he knows we are sisters and pretend I am the best sister-in-law in the world, the one who one day will lend him her b****t to console him for the loss, that suddenly a feeling of gratitude or affection arises that little by little I will mould it until transforming it into love, again my heart jumps me from one side to the other, wanting to leave my being, I better answer the call saying: -Hello sis, how are you?

-I'm worried sick, back to nothing.

-What happened Ximena?

-Well, you don't show up anymore.

I've been busy with my studies, I'm in mid-term, but I wanted to call you so we can go out for lunch and update the laundry room.

-Of course, sis, I was calling you for the same thing and I didn't think I would get a no as an answer, this is a very special occasion, I want you to meet my future husband, yes that's right, I'm getting married and I need you to help me plan the wedding preparations plus you'll be the maid of honour.

She drops that nuclear bomb on me without mercy, I know she can't imagine that her future husband is the man of my dreams, again my heart wants to burst out of my chest, it's as if I were one of those old unionists who want to end the company with strikes, it seems it will crack into thousands of pieces and a swarm of crabs will devour me inside, I wish I could rip out my insides to not feel this pain, on the phone I hear my sister's voice shouting:

-are you ok? Tell me something, I know you're excited about this, why did you answer me, how are you?

-I was soothing, Emily, are you all right, it is Ximeno who also heard everything, I took the time to make my voice sound normal, I even remember the trick of smiling before answering the phone: -Are you ok? Tell me something, I know it would thrill you, please answer me, how are you?

-I'm fine, congratulations, it's a very special day, wait, I'll mark you, I'm busy with something," I hang up, crawling on the floor in search of my medicine, a substance to which my life is linked, something that proves that my existence is just a mockery of the divine designs, a scientific aberration that tries to violate the natural laws, it's not fair that my sister has everything, maybe she also stole my health in the womb and now she's stealing my love. I feel a burning that wants to explode my head, that must be the envy that burns me alive, I open a drawer with great difficulty, I take out my pills that I pass them to myself feeling their bitter taste that seems sweet to me compared to the tastelessness that my sister's call leaves me, I imagine her laughing, burning with the gallant who tells her that a silly girl flirted with him shamelessly and she making fun of the deluded girl who didn't know that her man was marked with her kisses, but that's what it's all about, she was lucky to see him first, she cast her nets before who knows how long ago, for sure she had to grab her nails with others, she could have fought a war with her charms and after all she was my little sister whom I loved, so I had to wish her the best success, she deserved the best man, to see her happy is prize enough, so I better decide to call her again to congratulate her as it is due:

-Hello, who is it, -this time a man answered me who could be heard breathing with difficulty, I hung up immediately with my imagination that was flying to unsuspected heights, I visualized my sister devouring my male, before I didn't believe it possible, again a whirlwind of emotions wanted to destroy me from inside, I barely digested that they were a couple and I already had to endure that their beings melt, that their naked bodies would complement each other, what I fantasized about in my solitary moments, this was another reason for my heart to decide to protest, I don't understand his eagerness to push us to a cold grave for eternity, maybe the problem is that he didn't want to be my centre, suddenly he prepared himself to be a kidney and he had to get into the heart because he already found the positions occupied. Again the mobile phone rings, pulling me out of my stupid reverie.

-It's Ximena who also sounds agitated, I take a breath trying to make my voice sound normal, I even remember the trick of smiling before answering the phone:

-sister, I hung up because I thought I had dialed wrong, what happened is that I called at a bad time, you must be exercising, because you sound tired, I tell her with the desire to bite my elbow, wanting her to tell me that it's not what I think, that they were in a mess, not in a fuss, and she only answers me:

-I'm very worried about you, I even hear you strange, I'm on my way," she says and I know her, I know she won't be long in arriving to my new flat, so I just lie to her, the truth is I don't want to see her, to imagine that she took away the possibility of having something with my lover and it will be worse if I smell her perfume on her, for sure I will despair worse and there will be no medicine that will save me, so I answer her some bullshit:

-no sis, everything is fine, it's just that I'm very sleepy, that's why I'm going to go to bed to sleep, better see you later, I hang up without waiting for her goodbye and I take it out on the mobile phone throwing it to the wall where it explodes in the same way as my heart, and that doesn't let off steam even though I feel some refreshment, then I throw lamps, glasses, the television, I look like a hurricane destroying the things I spent hours choosing, I smash to pieces what many people wish they had, and when I can't replace anything else to break, I burst into tears, I break down feeling helpless, I curse my luck for being a defective woman from the factory, I lie in bed wrapping myself in the sheets wishing to be hanged, to be taken from this world to one where I can replace happiness, I have been told many times that if I was born with this handicap I would surely have other qualities developed in compensation in the way a blind person has better developed other senses, that until now I didn't discover, because my life has been a chaos, since my parents were killed in those mafia shootings, then when our aunt put us in that orphanage to protect us from our degenerate uncle, where the other kids made fun of my weakness, that if it wasn't for Ximena I would have thrown myself into a car or end up drowning in a pool, maybe my special gift was to look for trouble or to have hardships, I once saw a movie about a superhero whose power consisted of knowing what colour a person's underwear was, of course a stupid quality although the guy used it very well, while I couldn't think of using mine and I was really tired of being pitied, I hated to be belittled, to be minimized, I only want to be like my sister, that people admire her, that they make her a street of honour wherever she goes, I am strong, only that this heart was weak, haughty and also with bad luck, because I always fall in love with the wrong man, Maybe I should let myself be carried away by fashion and all those new movies where they show us that a relationship with the same s*x is something very sweet, even heroic, maybe the love of my life wears heels and leaves me smeared with rouge.

I better decide to go to sleep, as I promised to go to the orphanage in the morning, I will and I suspect I will occupy myself in such a way that I won't be able to attend lunch with the happy couple, I feel sorry for my sister that I will fail her again, I'm already resembling my heart with so much failure.