Scheming Against Devotion (Book 2 of The Transition of Pinn)
Shame (Chapter 11)

Ivy:

I wake up with a heavy heart and dried tears on my face.

Giddean can’t even make himself have sex with me. He tried, I will give him that, but he can’t do it. Maybe I just not his type… he didn’t choose me after all. We were doomed before we even tried.

I am twisted in my bedsheets from my restless sleep. I wonder what happens now. Will he send me away? Maybe he should, maybe then he can replace someone he actually wants.

I stand up and strip off my nightgown without ceremony. My body feels stiff and heavy as I shuffle over to the ever running shower or waterfall or whatever the hell you want to call it.

I stand under the running water and let the lukewarm liquid run over me, cleaning me of my sadness.

I shouldn’t feel this way- I wasn’t even sure I wanted Giddean, right?

I lean down and grab a jar of the Pinn equivalent of shampoo. There is no conditioner on the planet- just one pasty yellow cream in a jar that cleans your hair. Normally I would spend half my time in the shower lamenting about what the lack of conditioner has done to my long hair, but my mind is focused elsewhere today.

After rubbing the substance in my hair, I rinse it out quickly. It doesn’t really matter if my hair looks good or not. Who will be looking at it?

I exit the shower quickly and rub the tower harshly on my skin. I hope it rains today. Only rain can match my mood.

I throw on my worst dress, an icy blue that makes my skin look sickly. I’m not going out to see anyone today. And exit my bedroom heading for breakfast.

I enter the dining room and stop dead, it’s silent and cold. There is no smell of coffee or the salty starchy substance Giddean is so fond of eating for breakfast.

Instead, the air is stale like the room hasn’t been disturbed. No papers are resting near Giddean’s side of the table, no half-open books, no notes. There are no empty dishes with only crumbs to show that once there was something

Nothing.

“Can I get you something, Mrs. Senator?”

Andrew has crept up behind me.

“Um… not yet Andrew. Have you seen Giddean this morning?”

“No Mrs. Senator”

I nod. “I’ll have my usual. I’ll… be right back”

I leave the room and walk down the hallway towards Giddean’s office. Light streams through the frosted stone letting me know that nature has denied my wish for rain.

Surely he is hiding in the office amongst his papers and notes.

I pause at the open door in the room before, its James’ office, and I hear movement within.

I stick my head through the door and spot James putting documents into a leather satchel “James, have you seen Giddean this morning?”

James looks up at me for a moment before returning to his work of shoving papers and mumbles “I think he went to work early”

“Oh” is all I can think of saying. Giddean left. He ran away. He’s avoiding me.

The truth hurts even more than I expected, even more than his rejection yesterday. It shouldn’t hurt; didn’t I only want to have sex with him to protect myself? I try to bury the irrational emotion deep within myself not wanting James to see my disappointment.

I nod to myself, accepting the situation. I need to be rational, I repeat in my head.

“And, uh, when will the Captain be coming back?”

“Mrs. Senator” I hear James let out a quiet sigh of annoyance before looking up at me “as we discussed, Captain Tutlier is a soldier. He could be on tour for months.”

I purse my lips. I know I keep asking him, but I really want to speak with him. He could be my only means of escape if I need it. Of course, I can’t tell James that…

I hear a noise behind me and turn. It’s Andrew.

“I’m sorry, I’m coming Andrew”

“It’s actually-“Andrew’s eyes slip around me to look at James

“You’ll have to excuse me, Mrs. Senator. The contractor is here. It’s not as easy as the Senator thinks to get one on short term notice”

“Of course” I mumble annoyed more that I am not getting anywhere then the fact that James is busy. James seems well… stressed. Or maybe annoyed, it’s hard to say.

James steps around me and rushes out the door with Andrew trailing not long after him.

Alone again I wander back to the dining room. At my usual spot is a bowl of oatmeal slowly growing cold and my coffee tepid. I steel myself for a day of lonely moping around the house while I come to terms with my diminishing options.

So I sit by myself, eating my oatmeal with a strange sour blue fruit, thinking about my terrible predicament when I hear the noise start.

Thump, thump, thump.

The slow thud of someone hacking away at something. Ugh, I guess the contractor has begun working…

I think I’m already getting a headache.

Thump, thump, thump.

Not knowing what to do with myself, I decide to go back to my room and curl up in bed with a book. I can decide to face the world later after I have escaped it for a little while longer.