Shattered Souls (Guardians of the Maiden Book 3)
Shattered Souls: Part 3 – Chapter 82

Zev shivered, his breath leaving frosted clouds in the air. He grunted with strain as Rawn and Cassiel supported his heavy form between them out of the woods. The snow shimmered like diamond dust under the morning sun streaking through the bare branches. Zev’s stiff legs struggled to move through the snow, every step leaving behind bloody prints. Fresh burns and leaking boils left behind from his silver chains marked his skin. The winter solstice was the longest full moon of the year, and it left him near death.

Klyde walked ahead of them with the thick heavy chains hanging over his shoulder, clinking softly in the soundless woods. The group entered the clearing and headed towards the eastern gate of the wall surrounding Skelling Rise. Klyde whistled sharply between his fingers to notify the mercenaries operating the heavy iron gate, and the blow of the horn sounded before the gate opened for them.

Olyver waited on the other side with an empty wagon strapped to a horse. Mercenaries formed a line to hold back the shouting townsfolk. They shouted for the beast to be killed, to be turned away, to save their people, to not let him in because he would kill them all.

Bloody truths or filthy lies, the Madness whispered. Which do they be?

Truths, Zev thought. He could smell the blood in their veins and the beating of their hearts. If he’d been free last night, the Other would have ripped them apart one by one.

Breaking bones or begging screams, which brings us glee?

Gods. For all of his attempts at fighting for himself, turning had left him weak in spirit. The sun was shining but he didn’t feel its warmth or see its light. The world was grey.

“Do not pay them any mind,” Rawn murmured. He and Cassiel helped Zev to the wagon and laid him inside. They covered him with a blanket then climbed in after him while Klyde sat in the diver’s box with Olyver. The reins snapped and the wheels jostled over the bumpy road as they made their way through town.

Zev caught glimpses through his blurry vision of the townsfolk peering at him warily through their windows and doors as they passed. He closed his eyes, hoping sleep would take him, but the pain was too much. He drifted in and out, catching bits of quiet conversations.

“Thank you for your assistance,” Rawn said.

“Think nothing of it. Will he be all right?” Klyde asked.

“Yes, Zev only requires rest. He recovers quickly. We apologize for the discomfort we caused, Captain. It’s not something that could be helped. However, I admit I am concerned there may be repercussions.”

“I will post a handful of my men here at the manor for your protection.”

“Do you believe that is necessary?”

“They are skittish folk,” Klyde said. “The town has been protected without any casualties for so long, they fear a repeat of the overrun or anything that presents danger.”

“That is understandable.”

They rolled through the short patch of woods leading to the manor. Klyde pulled the wagon besides the front door and Zev’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of Dyna and Lucenna running to meet them.

“Oh, Zev,” Dyna said forlornly at the sight of him.

Lucenna waved her hand and casted her Essence over Zev’s body, raising him in the air.

Klyde hopped down the wagon. “Thank you, Sergeant. Tell the men to keep watch on the road in case any decide to come this way.”

“Aye, captain.” Olyver tugged the reins and rode the wagon away into the woods.

“We will lay low for a while and keep Zev out of sight,” Rawn said as Lucenna carried him inside. “Thank you. We are grateful for all that you have done.”

Klyde smiled and started walking backwards for the trail leading into the woods. “Aye, if you need me I will be with Gale finishing up the work on the house. Eagon will be busy with the recruits. Don’t hesitate to replace me should something occur.”

“Yes, thank you.”

Klyde waived before he blended into the trees. Zev drifted again, replaceing he was laying in his bedroom with everyone huddled inside. Dyna poured an ointment over his burns before she carefully cleaned them. Lucenna and Cassiel stood at the foot of the bed, arguing with each other quietly.

“We have to show them he’s not dangerous,” she continued, “They wouldn’t fear him if they knew him.”

“We must tread carefully,” Rawn said. “We are guests here and he will shift two more times during our stay. Perhaps it’s best to leave early in the morning on the day prior to the full moon to locate him as far away from the town as possible. That should placate the townsfolk. They have asked him not to shift into a wolf as well.”

Cassiel made a derisive sound.

“Why expect him to act civil when wolves are wild creatures?” Lucenna said.

Lord Norrlen sighed. “We have to do what we can to diminish their concern. It’s for his sake, as well.”

“It’s fine,” Zev rasped. “I don’t mind.” They were quick to gather around the bed. He tried his best to smile, but even his face hurt.

“How are you feeling?” Dyna asked.

“I’m all right. Just a little tired.” He tried to sit and grimaced at the sharp pain at his wrists.

“I’ll take care of that.” She reached for him.

“No. Leave it.”

“Zev,” she pleaded softly. “You may feel you should endure the pain, but that doesn’t mean you deserve it.”

With a sigh, Zev conceded. He was too exhausted to argue anymore. Cool hands landed on his chest and they glowed brightly as Dyna sent her Essence forth over his body. Rawn and the others watched in silent awe. It didn’t cease to amaze them no matter how many times they had seen it.

Zev’s eyes fluttered closed with reprieve as warmth thawed his aching muscles and the pain dwindled to a soft throb. She worked on him until the burns began to heal into scars. When finished, her shoulders sagged, leaving her pale.

“Thank you,” Zev murmured, his eyes growing heavy again.

“Of course,” Dyna said drowsily. “Rest. I will be here.” She curled up in the chair next to him and promptly fell asleep.

“Stupid human.” Cassiel sighed and covered her with a blanket. “She exerted herself once again.”

“She’s all right,” Lucenna whispered. “She healed him rather quickly. Once she has mastered her magic there is no telling how powerful she will become.”

His expression slightly tightened as he watched her sleep.

“Come. We shall leave them to rest.” Rawn headed for the door.

“I will remain here,” Cassiel said.

Zev listened to Rawn and Lucenna’s receding footsteps go down to the stairs. He had almost fallen asleep until he heard voices outside of the manor. Angry voices and mercenaries telling them to leave. He peered through his lashes at Cassiel standing by the window, looking outside.

There was a distant expression on his face.

A mixture of anger and…sadness.

With a low groan, Zev wobbled to his feet and moved to stand beside him. “Are you all right?”

Cassiel frowned. “I should be asking you that. And you should be resting.”

They both looked down at the at farmers bickering with the mercenaries guarding the manor.

“I cannot rest when I can hear them. They want the beast gone.”

The Madness prowled around him as though to search where to strike. Should we run or should we hunt? Which side do you see?

Zev sighed at his reflection in the glass. All he saw was his colorless complexion, haggard and morose, one half of his face in shadow. Life had always been that way for him.

Half dark, half wearing.

A derisive sound rolled in Cassiel’s throat. “They are fools.”

“If I recall, not too long ago you wanted the same.”

“I came to see how wrong I was,” he said, turning to him. “You have a heart of gold, Zev. Don’t let those blinded by fear tell you any different.”

The rare kindness and sincerity behind that statement made Zev smile. “Is this your way of confessing your love for me?”

Cassiel narrowed his eyes. “Tell anyone I said that and I will end you.”

All jesting aside, Zev couldn’t ignore the change had weakened his will. Or perhaps he was simply feeling out of place. Since he left Lykos Peak, it had been one thing after another.

Being here in a place where he wasn’t wanted reminded him too much of home. As much as he hated Lykos Peak, he still missed the forests and the freedom of the wild. Of not having to think outside of simply existing.

He had a sudden urge to run in any direction and see where it took him.

“Zev?” Cassiel took his shoulders. “Are you all right?”

From the way he was searching his eyes, Zev realized he was checking for signs of Madness. It was there, but that wasn’t what made him despondent.

“I have been thinking about it for a while, but I think it’s best I take some time for myself,” Zev said. “Leastways, while we are here.”

“What do you mean? Are you leaving?”

He nodded. “It’s best for everyone if I do. I will be out on the Bridge where I won’t bother anyone.”

Cassiel searched his face. “If I let you walk out that door, will you come back? I cannot face her if the reason you are going is to cross the Gates.”

Zev looked over at his belongings, not sure if he had an answer yet.

Cassiel seemed to read his thoughts and his expression grew grim.

“I suppose we will replace out when the next full moon comes,” Zev said.

Cassiel said nothing as he packed up the last of his belongings. After writing something down on some paper, he went to Dyna where she slept soundly in the chair by his bed, and tucked a note in her pocket.

“Take care of her,” he murmured.

“Always,” her mate said.

Taking a deep breath, he crossed the room to the balcony and leaped up on the stone banister.

“Zev.”

He turned at the soft call, crouching on the edge.

Cassiel stepped outside and searched his eyes for a moment. “Your pain is no less real, simply because others don’t understand it.”

Zev fought the lump gathering in his throat. As they stood there looking at each other, he saw Cassiel had faith in him. More than he had in himself.

“You can count on us to be there when the moon is full. I will be there.”

Zev nodded his thanks, not able to say more. He leaped off the banister and landed in the courtyard below. He slipped into the forest, avoiding the townsfolk, as he made his way at the front gate. When he reached the wall, he asked Olyver to let him out. Whatever was on his face, the mercenary didn’t argue.

Zev headed for the dense line of trees, feeling guilty for leaving Dyna’s side. He knew she would undoubtedly worry about him, but he needed to be alone right now. She would be safe with the others.

He hiked his large pack over his back and continued south into the woods, leaving deep footprints in the thick untouched snow. He stopped only when he could no longer smell or hear Skelling Rise.

At last, his mind could relax. It has been so long since he had been truly alone. He used to hate the lonely days he lived in the woods but now he missed it. He needed the solace and tranquility nature brought.

There were echoes of his father all around him. In his shadows and memories, in the scent of nature itself. Filling his lungs with an icy gulp of air, Zev closed his tired eyes.

If you hold on to the past, you won’t catch up to the present, son. And I never taught you to give up.

When he returned to the large oak tree, he let his pack slide off his shoulders and drop with a heavy clank at his feet. He kept going. On he walked through the snow, thinking of everything he held onto.

Hatred of his existence.

Grief and guilt.

The chains at his back.

His Madness.

Zev breathed in deeply, smelling ice, earth and fresh air. He kicked off his boots and stripped off his shirt, letting the wind tug from his hands. His steps quickened into a fast pace, then a jog, then he was running. He ran on two legs until the wolf took over and he simply let it all go.

Zev spent his days as a wolf. It was easier that way. Thinking in terms of the wild when everything always ached as a person. In the forest, his thoughts were scents, sounds, smells. Merely instinct of survival. Tomorrow’s horizon was all he had.

But then he started feeling the impulse of pack life. Yet he didn’t have one, and when he had the opportunity to join another he turned it down.

“I think crossing paths with you something,” Ronin had said. “For Lángshān.”

Zev had wanted it. The possibility of belonging somewhere, but that was not meant for him. Not while he was in a limbo between his Other and his Madness.

“You’re mad,” Ronin guessed when he hesitated to answer. At Zev’s surprise, the he merely shrugged. “Broken knows broken. We have all dealt with the Madness at some point in our lives. It isn’t something to get rid of, but to acknowledge. It is a part of you as much as the wolf and the Other. It echoes only the vile thoughts we truly think of ourselves, but it does so with a purpose. It won’t go away until you understand what it’s trying to show you, or until you succumb to your wolf because you refuse it.”

Show him? Had the Madness tried to show him something?

It did. Once.

The memory of when his father died.

Zev keened, his wolf whining at the pain the thought brought.

He pushed the feeling away and bounded through the snow, sniffing the ground for something to hunt. But all the white was distracting.

Because in the back of his mind, was the image of her.

Merely a moment of their meeting. A passing memory. And yet, in some desolate corner of his being, it kindled…something.

Lara had approached him the night before the Pack left, when he had been alone looking up at the moon. The first and only time she had spoken to him. It began with a “Hello.”

That one simple greeting had been enough to make everything in him jolt. “Hello,” he had said back, too afraid to say anything more. Let alone move from his spot by the bank of the creek.

Lara studied him with those vivid blue eyes, as he was left incapacitated by her scent once again. “Pardon…I uh…” she looked down at her feet. “I have been meaning to thank you for helping me on the plains.”

He shook his head mutely, offering her a shy smile because he couldn’t quite bring himself to form words when he was so attentive to hers.

“I…overheard your conversation with my brother, but he forgot to mention one thing. The Madness… it happens when you’re living in a body that fights to survive and a mind that wants to die.” Lara met his gaze and something in them drew him in further than her scent, where all of him was focused on her. “You may feel as if you’re clinging to a thread, but the reason you have not yet given in is because you don’t truly want to fade away. You’re dying to live. And I hope one day you will… Zev.”

He held that encounter with him like a small ember in his heart.

It carried the sound of her voice saying his name.

And the wish in her eyes.

Zev laid faceup in the snow as he stared at the grey sky through the pine branches. Snowfall drifted down, melting on his face. How many days had it been? He lost count. He had no interest in keeping track. What else was he counting down to but the next full moon?

Since he was pup, Zev hadn’t strived for anything. There had been nothing else but the wolf and the change. Then came the Other and the pain. It created a vacant hole. It grew in his chest day in and day out as he fought to stay alive.

But there had to be more than nothing.

The thought made a wretched tangle of feeling build in his chest. He couldn’t describe it. Only that it was heavy and it made his eyes and lashes grow wet before they froze. His wolf howled inside of him. Offering to take over so he could banish it away, but Zev didn’t shift.

Maybe he was tired of hiding from the sorrow and the pain.

Is that not what you wanted? To feel nothing? The Madness asked. Only curiosity laced the question.

I thought that’s what I wanted. Zev sat up and looked out at the frosted forest. Beyond it was the hint of the sea and the distant crash of waves.

Then what do you want?

It was a question he hadn’t asked himself in a long time.

He stood and kept going, wandering through the woods aimlessly. The wind tugged at his thin clothes, though the cold didn’t bother him. He searched for the answer to the question in each step he took. Searched for it in the icicles hanging from the branches and in the rustle of the wind.

Zev came before a frozen pond and looked down at his blurred reflection in ice. A black wolf looked back at him with bright yellow eyes.

Bloody truths or filthy lies, the Madness recited. Which do they be? Should we run or should we hunt? Which side do you see?

Zev spoke aloud, his breath clouding in the air. “Me.”

Two sides of him. The wolf and the man. This was who he was.

What do you want? it asked again.

“I’m tired of being broken,” Zev said to himself. “Of fighting to wake. To sleep. To go on in this world. I’m tired of simply surviving. I want to live. And I want that to be enough.” When the voice didn’t press him, Zev went on, “I want to feel … everything. I want to embrace it with my whole heart.”

Even the things that hurt you?

He allowed himself to ponder it. Could he withstand more pain?

Because that’s what came with life. Peace was fleeting, joy passing, but hardship and loss, pain, and failure, those also came with it.

His friends and his family came to him, and Zev could somehow feel them standing there with him in the ice. Their love held him together. Their faith gave him strength.

The answer to the Madness’ question came to him then, in the stillness of winter that he had always found both brutal and beautiful. He was ready to let go of the past. Not to forget, but to strip it as he had his clothes.

To leave it on the ground where it could no longer weigh him down.

“Sometimes we may need hardship in order to appreciate the good,” Zev said. “There will be days more trying than others, but I want to experience all of it, live through all of it. With them.”

Then live. There was an odd fondness there, as if the Madness was patting his shoulder. Live.

It was a gradual departure.

The presence that had stalked him for years released its hold from the corners of his mind. One claw at a time. Then he heard the faint clink of phantom chains falling away from his neck. It left him stumbling without the feral strength, because that’s what it had been. The wild drive to fight for his life subconsciously born from his self-hatred and sorrow.

The guilt was still there and the ache, but the five year weight of misery … was gone. Oddly, a part of him missed the presence that had been a part of his consciousness since that night. It left behind an impression of the chains that had kept him shackled.

That first clean breath after suffocating for so long was like his world flushing with color again after being only gray.

Zev choked on the breath rushing into his lungs, before sinking to the snow.

He fell on his hands and knees. His entire body shook with his sobs. He cried until he could no more. Until the tears became tracks of frost on his cheeks.

There was more the Madness had tried to show him about his past, but Zev sensed whatever it was, he would remember when he was meant to.

Now it was his turn to keep going.

The wolf came forward and Zev’s trousers slipped off as he rose on four paws. Everything was clearer and brighter. His sight, hearing, and smell sharpened, the scents of nature and the chatter of wildlife rising to his senses. He shook out its thick fur, feeling lighter than ever.

Howling at the sky, Zev sprinted away into the wilderness. His muscles rippled under his fur as he picked up speed. His paws pounded into the snow as he raced over fallen logs and through shrubs, the forest passing him in a blur.

In due time, he would fill the vacant hole in his chest, but he found the Madness had left one thing behind.

A gift.

Freedom.