Sin and Redemption -
: Chapter 9
I was glad when the festivities were finally over. I could see in Mom’s face that she wanted to hug me, but she knew my body language well and could see that I didn’t want any affection. She only briefly touched my arm and gave me an encouraging smile before she allowed Dad to pull her to his side. He only gave me an encouraging nod. This probably hadn’t been the wedding Mom had envisioned for her firstborn. Not that the location and event planning had been lacking, but everything else was a fucking mess.
Everyone from Sara’s family hugged her tightly before she got into my Suburban with Flavio’s help. I would have helped her climb in too but he’d been quicker, still keen on keeping me away from his sister. It annoyed the hell out of me, and under normal circumstances, I would have told him off and reminded him that she’d be alone with me tonight. Ours weren’t normal circumstances, however.
Romero’s gaze met mine across the hood of my car. It wasn’t a warning like that of many fathers handing off their daughter on their wedding night would have been. It said “I trust you to redeem yourself,” which was worse than any threat could have been. If I’d had any intention of getting it on with Sara, this would have been the point when my dick would have shriveled. Sex with Sara was the last thing on my mind, though.
Our ride to the apartment was silent. Sara was pale, and she clutched her purse against her belly. There was the barest hint of a bulge when she was in a sitting position, a small reminder of what had happened and what awaited us in the future. I hadn’t thought of becoming a dad yet, but a small part of me was excited of having a kid, the other part worried of how its creation would influence how Sara saw the child. And what about me? Would I be able to forget the past when I looked at my kid?
A walking memorial of past sins.
During the elevator ride up to our apartment, I finally said, “I hope you like the place I got for us. Eventually, we’ll get a house for our family, but for now, this will give us enough room.”
Sara’s gaze snapped up to my face. She seemed to have been far away in her thoughts.
“Okay.” She gave a tight smile.
“You look very beautiful.” I fell silent. I hadn’t told her so far. She hadn’t bought this dress with me in mind, not that I thought she had any deeper feelings for Paolo, but it still felt strange that he had been the man she was supposed to marry when she bought her dress.
She looked down at herself. “I had to take it in. It was too big on me…”
She had lost weight. Everyone had noticed. I’d heard the concerned whispers of people who knew of her pregnancy. “Is it normal that women lose weight in early pregnancy?”
I had asked my mother because I’d worried about Sara and the baby, but my mother had assured me that it didn’t necessarily mean the baby didn’t get enough nutrition.
“I have bad nausea, but I take supplements. The baby’s size was okay during my checkup two weeks ago.”
I nodded. I hadn’t been involved in any of her checkups yet. The elevator came to a stop, and I motioned for Sara to step out first, then I led her to the door of our place. I unlocked it and invited her in.
Mom had helped me make the place more homey in the past few days. Before that, it had been bare of decorations, cushions, duvets, and whatever else women liked. Now, there were even picture frames on the walls.
Sara looked around. “It’s nice.”
“Come on, I’ll show you your bedroom,” I said, then wondered if she maybe wanted to share a bed with me. Bullshit. Not after what had happened. Her expression didn’t betray her emotions. She merely looked exhausted and a little squeamish.
“It’s the primary bedroom. I put my stuff in the guest room, so you’ll have an en suite and a walk-in closet. I don’t need that.”
Surprise flashed across her face as she scanned the lavender-colored duvet and pillows on the bed. It was a color Sara often wore, so my mother had bought linens and towels in that color.
“This is your home too. I don’t want to be the reason you sleep in the guest bedroom,” she said.
“I’ll be fine. It’s only for sleep.”
She pursed her lips. I wished I could read her mind.
She slowly walked closer to the bed. “Thank you. I’m really exhausted.” I nodded again because while I’d never been a man of many words, Sara turned me into a near-mute most of the time.
She cleared her throat, then threw me a hesitant look over her shoulder. “Can you unfasten the back of my dress for me? I can’t reach all of the buttons.”
I glanced at the intricate line of tiny buttons following her spine. “Sure.” I stepped up behind her, and for a moment, I wondered how this night would have played out under different circumstances.
Sara tilted her head up and sideways so our eyes met, then she flushed and quickly looked away. I reached for the first button, making sure I touched my wife as little as possible. When I reached the halfway point, Sara stepped forward and gave me a tight smile. “It’s fine. I can take it from here.”
I backed out of the room. “Sleep well. If you need anything, I’m next door. I’m a light sleeper.”
I had almost closed the door when she said, “I have another scan tomorrow morning. Do you want to come?”
“Yes,” I said, allowing myself another look at her in her dress. She was beautiful, even looking exhausted and a little sad.
She nodded but didn’t look at me. I closed the door, then walked into the kitchen. I needed a drink. I’d had very little during the festivities, but now I needed liquor to numb myself. I awkwardly pulled my jacket off. My shirt stuck to my back. I knew it wasn’t just with sweat. One of the scars had popped open when I’d kicked ass today. It was why I hadn’t taken my jacket off despite how hot I’d felt.
“You’re bleeding.”
Sara’s voice made me turn around. She stood in the doorway, still in her dress.
“Do you need help?”
I shook my head. To be honest, I probably did, but I didn’t want to burden Sara with the task of having to help me take my shirt off. “It’s fine. Nothing I haven’t handled before.”
“What happened?” she asked quietly as she poured herself a glass of water.
I considered lying, but I wanted her to know that I was trying to make up for the past in every way possible. “I burned my back when I blew up a laboratory of the Bratva with Jabba’s brother inside.”
She blanched. “Oh.” I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I’d expected but definitely not that. She smiled tightly. “If you’re sure you don’t need my help, I’m going to sleep.”
“Go,” I said with a tight smile of my own.
I downed a glass of bourbon before I headed to the second bathroom. After almost fifteen minutes and lots of cursing, I was finally out of my shirt. Thirty minutes later, I went to the guest bedroom freshly showered and with new burn dressings on my back, and sank down on the bed. It was smaller than the one in the primary bedroom. Considering my size, my feet would probably dangle over the edge half the night. I hadn’t wanted to buy new furniture and had forgotten that I wouldn’t get to enjoy the big bed in the primary bedroom.
Everything about today felt surreal. This nonexistent wedding night was a fitting ending to it. I hadn’t expected there to be any kind of intimacy. Fuck, just the idea of it raised sweat on my forehead. The memories of Sara’s crying, motionless body under mine still haunted my nights.
I’d never been a good sleeper, but now my nights were miserable. Lying in bed at night wasn’t the welcome relaxation of the past. Sleep was now the door to my memories.
I stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what Sara was doing now.
I fell asleep after tossing and turning for an hour and listening to every little sound from Sara.
A scream woke me. I jumped out of bed and rushed out of my room and into the primary bedroom. Turning the lights on, I rushed toward the bed. Sara sat up, face ashen. Her brown hair fell in wild strands into her face. I must have woken her from a nightmare. Her eyes were on me, but the terror remained on her face. It hit me that I had probably been the center of her nightmare, and here I was, thinking I could console her. I was probably the last person Sara wanted near her right now.
She blinked and rubbed her face. “I had a bad dream. Sorry I woke you.”
I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure what to say. I took a step back. “Do you need anything?”
“Just keep the lights on. I’ll be fine.”
I nodded, then turned and left the room. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the bourbon bottle I’d left on the table. I took a swish, then grimaced. I only drank when I went out partying, definitely not in the middle of the night. This was as far from a party as it could be. A pity party at best. I pushed the bottle away. Alcohol wouldn’t make anything better.
There was no way I could fall asleep again after this. It was only three in the morning, and I couldn’t leave Sara alone, so I was stuck in this place.
I went to the gym room I’d installed in the former office and hit the treadmill, sprinting at high speed for almost an hour until I was drenched in sweat and feeling marginally better—except for the insistent burn on my back.
I tossed my soaked shirt away and sat on the bench, taking a couple of swigs from my water bottle.
The sound of retching followed by flushing reminded me of my new living situation. I rose from the bench and considered going to see if Sara needed anything, but then her expression from last night crossed my mind, and I sat back down. I was the last person she wanted by her side.
Sara
It was strange to enter the kitchen where Maximus sat at the table. He had a cup of coffee in front of him, nothing else.
“Morning,” I said to break up the uncomfortable silence. “Is there breakfast?”
Maximus glanced at the fridge, then rose to his feet. “There are eggs and toast in the fridge. I can’t cook, so I didn’t prepare anything. Plus, I don’t usually eat breakfast.”
I pursed my lips as I approached the fridge. “You don’t eat breakfast?”
He shook his head. “I’m not hungry that early. I eat around lunchtime.”
“Oh, all right. I can grab something on the way to the appointment. I don’t mind.” I didn’t want to prepare eggs just for myself.
“We can leave now if you want.”
I nodded. It was still early, but being in this apartment with Maximus felt strange. I grabbed a chai latte and a yogurt parfait on the way but only finished the former before we reached our destination.
Maximus and I entered the doctor’s office together. I’d been there for checkups three times so far. Mom had accompanied me to every appointment, but today, Maximus, the father of my child, was by my side.
I stretched out on the examination couch with my belly exposed. Maximus hovered beside me, looking uncomfortable. I pointed at the chair beside the couch. He sank down, dwarfing the chair with his tall and muscled frame. My own heart was beating quickly from nerves. I’d felt detached during the last exams, not willing to really accept the pregnancy yet. Maybe today, I’d finally be ready to be excited. I’d always wanted children and imagined how magical being pregnant would be, but due to the circumstances, I hadn’t been able to enjoy the pregnancy at all. It saddened and frustrated me equally.
The doctor put the ultrasound sensor on my belly and quickly found the amniotic sac. She explained what she saw so Maximus understood, but she fell silent when the baby came into view. She pushed the sensor harder into my belly and moved it around, but her expression became tighter by the second. I wasn’t sure what the problem was. Was it too small? I hadn’t lost any weight this last week despite my nausea and the wedding stress.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
Maximus glanced between the doctor and me with a frown.
“Give me another moment,” the doctor said quietly as she kept moving the sensor. She rose to her feet. “I’m getting my colleague.”
A few minutes later, the other doctor who had never treated me sat beside me and took the ultrasound sensor. Several tense minutes passed before she exchanged a look with my doctor, who cleared her throat and gave me a compassionate look. “We can’t replace a heartbeat.”
I blinked, not sure what they were saying. “Last time, the heart was beating.”
“Yes,” she confirmed. “But it’s not anymore.”
“The baby is dead?” Maximus asked tightly.
I stared at him in horror. “Dead?”
I didn’t understand. None of this made sense. “But how? Why? When?”
“It’s difficult to say. My guess is that the heart stopped about a week ago, judging by the size of the fetus.”
“But why? Why didn’t I feel anything when it died? Shouldn’t I have known?”
How could I not have noticed that the baby—my baby had died?
Because you tried to ignore the pregnancy. Because you weren’t happy about it.
“It’s called a missed abort and happens more often than one would think. Often, the fetus has an undetected gene defect or heart defect and isn’t viable.”
“I’m going to be sick,” I pressed out. Maximus grabbed the bin and held it out to me. The moment I bent over it, vomit shot out of my mouth. I kept retching even when my stomach was empty. Someone handed me a wet towel and a glass of water. I wiped my mouth and took a few gulps. “But I still have morning sickness. The baby can’t be dead.”
“It takes a while for the hormone levels to go down, so the body still displays all signs of a healthy pregnancy.”
“Do you want a moment?” the other doctor asked us. I realized she was asking if I wanted to be alone with Maximus.
I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes. “I need my mom.” I was almost twenty-one, but I felt like a little girl who could only be consoled by her mother’s warm touch.
“Do you want me to call her?” Maximus asked. He looked so composed, and it made me unreasonably angry.
I nodded, my gaze locked on the silent ultrasound screen, then it slid down to my bulging belly.
“Liliana, can you come over to the apartment? Sara lost the baby.”
Sara lost the baby. I lost the baby.
A baby I didn’t think I wanted. But then why was it hurting so much? Why did I feel as if someone had cut my heart open and poured in acid?
“What’s next?” Maximus asked the doctor. I hadn’t even noticed that he’d ended the call. How much time had passed?
“There is the option of waiting for the natural miscarriage or a surgical solution.”
A surgical solution? This wasn’t a problem that needed to be solved. This was my dead baby.
I closed my eyes, feeling utterly numb. The last time I’d felt this way was when I’d conceived the baby. Was this fate’s version of irony?
“Do we have to decide today?” Maximus asked. He handled the situation as if it was business as usual. On the one hand, I was glad I didn’t have to deal with anything, but I also grew angrier.
“No, we can give you a prescription to manage the possible symptoms.”
I blanked out the words that came after. I pushed off the couch and stood on shaky legs as I straightened my clothes.
“I want to leave,” I whispered. I couldn’t stay another moment in the presence of the silent ultrasound.
Maximus lightly touched my back to guide me outside, but I flinched away. I couldn’t bear his touch now. I could hardly bear being in my own body. I just wanted to forget it existed.
I reached for my belly, then stopped myself and clenched my hand into a fist.
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