Skinned
Crawling Past the Skin

Valerie

“Fucking worthless.”

My father snarled as he applied more pressure to the dagger against my throat after he had me taken down on the ground by his hand on my neck.

While any regular pup would be out and playing underneath the sun, I was kept within the property of my father’s home and forced to face the threat of silvers at an early age.

I had been beaten in more ways than one, punished for failing to make the right attack and losing the force to my movements.

Each of my wrong was rewarded with the mark of his silver dagger.

“Stop, I c-can’t,” I sobbed and clawed on the confining grip he had against my throat.

“How much effort do I have to make to get it through your thick skull?” My father bit out and landed a back handed slap on the side of my face. “You never learn!”

I winced and closed my eyes shut as the sound of his wrathful growl forced my body to curl in fear.

“I can’t do this anymore, please, it’s too much,” I pleaded as I felt the blood starting to run down from my nose, receiving only a growling snap of my father’s teeth in reply.

“Pattern, Pup, repeat it,” he said with a voice that told me that his wild was already at the brink of pushing past his skin.

I remained silent, and it soon broke his patience as he tightened his hold around my neck and jerked me deeper into the ground.

“Obstruct, s-shove,” I choked out a cry.

“Engage,” Me and my father finished in unison, and I yelped when he landed another strike to my cheek. He pulled away the silver dagger and shoved it back inside the back pocket of his jeans before standing up without helping me on my feet, leaving me sobbing on the ground from his endless education of war.

“Get it right this time, Valerianne.”

Sweaty, sore, and frigid, I hissed in pain as I twisted against the cushioned ground beneath my body, replaceing it hard to breathe as I was laying on my stomach. My fingers felt numb and hard to bend, while my eyelids felt heavy and hard to lift.

I released a sigh after finally opening my eyes, and was immediately greeted by the blinding light of the sun passing through an open window. I was surrounded by the sound of the swaying trees and the grating screams of crows that had my eyebrows furrowing in displeasure.

The smell of burnt papers and herbs were prominent to my senses, the smell of it bringing an alarm to ring across my mind as I let my eyes travel around my surroundings, beginning from the collection of jars filled with dried plants and dead organisms, to the aged wooden floorboards, and over to the fireplace where a pot was being heated.

I was at the healer’s den.

I groaned as I felt the skin of my back somehow tight and uncomfortable to move, and I jerked in surprise when I heard a soft laugh from behind me.

“Good afternoon, Valerie,” Maliha said, and I turned my head to the side to see her beaming down on me, her eerie eyes coming down to regard me. “You’ve been out for quite a while now.”

I ignored her statement and let my eyes travel from the tube stuck to my hand that traveled up to the pack of blood suspended from a hook.

I looked down and noticed Killian sleeping with his head settled on the foot of the bed, his eyes closed with dark lashes resting upon his cheeks as he took shallow breaths through parted lips.

He snores when he sleeps.

“You were supposed to die, you know,” Maliha said, walking over to the table full of tea as she prepared herself a drink, “He didn’t want anyone’s blood used for the transfusion, he wanted his. Although yours and his blood wouldn’t be compatible, he took the risk and pressed on with the plan, and look where it got you.”

I shifted from the bed and glanced at my bare back to see that the wounds from the silver whip were replaced with pink, scar tissues that were already on the first stage of the healing process.

“This is impossible. How long was I out?” I questioned her and was immediately taken aback by the rough tone of my voice.

“Five days,” Maliha said and handed me a glass of water.

I pushed myself off from the bed and grabbed the shirt that Maliha handed me right away, sliding it on swiftly before grabbing the glass of water to chug it down in one go.

“What else did you use on me?”

“Just the ones that keep the pain away,” Maliha said as she grabbed the empty glass from my hand and settled it on the side table.

I looked down at Killian again and noticed that his eyebrows were furrowed in his sleep, the sight of it urging me to make it go away.

Tempting, twisting tightly around my resolve, the urge to touch him coursed through me as I raised a hand to reach out for his dark hair, wanting to run my hand through it and give him a bit of comfort.

And I stopped when his compelling brown and blue eyes gingerly opened to regard me completely.

I swallowed yet again, replaceing the weight of his gaze much more pressured and pronounced against my skin, and I figured that the sudden change of his influence had something to do with his higher stand in the hierarchy.

He was now an Alpha.

My hand remained hovering over his head, and he calmly observed my movements as if he was patiently waiting for my touch to land in contact with him, refusing to make any advances as he let me do what I deemed was right for him.

Killian’s appearance all but showed his exhaustion, there were darkened bags underneath his eyes due to lack of sleep, his lips lost of color, and his posture tensed. As if he lost all the air that occupied his lungs, his breathing shifted to become erratic, jaw locking tight from the storm conquering the entirety of his mind.

As if my gaze pierced through the armor to his weaknesses, bit by bit, the serenity to his features began to chip away, his walls crumbling down with ease to reveal only an expression that told me he was crippled.

And I could see clearly within his eyes, almost begging to be noticed, was the consuming guilt he had long been harboring during my absence.

He lifted a hand and took mine and stopped to regard how his thumb ran smoothly over the back of my hand, keeping his actions calculated as he made sure that he didn’t cross a boundary with me.

But it felt like he didn’t have any.

Hesitantly, like he was afraid of my rejection, he slowly guided my hand to settle gently on his cheek, and the restraint to his spiraling agony had finally collapsed and deteriorated, only to reveal what he had been trying to conceal the most.

Vulnerability.

I pressed my lips firmly together and took notice of the scorching sensation of his touch. His emotions easily plaguing the core of me, in which I immediately tried to suppress.

He will never be.

Killian leaned deeper into the palm of my hand and released a sigh that held his tremors, and just like the very last thing that he said before I had fallen into oblivion, he told me with a hoarse tone to his voice yet again,

“I’m so sorry.”

Maliha smiled softly down at Killian, her eyes holding a glint to it as she walked over to her closet and took out a white woolen cloth.

“Valerie must be hungry, Killian. Take her home and let her prepare for tonight’s dinner.”

The silence rooted deeply between Killian and I was almost deafening as he escorted me all the way to my home. I could feel his eyes solely trained on my walking figure ahead of him, keeping himself watchful on every step that I made. Every time my knees would involuntarily give out, he was quick to land a grip on my arm and help me stand upright once again; it was almost like we had changed places.

“I’ll wait here,” Killian said and stopped at the front porch while I stood at the threshold of my house.

“No, you can come inside and wait,” I told him nonchalantly and stepped aside to grant him the entrance to my home.

There was a slight unease to his posture, his expression almost appearing hesitant and anxious, but despite his conflicted appearance, he stepped inside my house and let his eyes roam around every corner of the area as he took in a breath of the lingering scent that represented my den.

“You can sit over there,” I pointed at the lone sofa by the window.

As soon as I had entered the bathroom and flipped on the light switch, I was bombarded with the reflection of my drained out figure in the mirror.

I held my breath as I brought a hand up to my brown mangled hair, the ends of it sticking to different places and ending unevenly, and I couldn’t help but cry at how revolting it had turned out to be.

Hideous.

I was bearing the outward image of my shame.

My trembling hands reached for the scissors. While I kept my eyes focused on my reflection, I began cutting off the stray little locks of hair until I was only left with a main that was neatly cut short to the nape of my neck.

After stepping out of the shower and drying off, I slipped on a lose fitting shirt that was light against the healing skin of my back and a pair of washed jeans.

When I had gotten back to meet Killian in the living room, I was only greeted by an empty sofa. I looked through the window to replace him sitting on the front porch with his fingers entwined together as he rested his elbows on top of his knees. He was watching the trees sway in front of him, his dark hair blown to the other side of his head as a lock of hair fell in front of his face due to the rush of the wind.

I kept my movements quiet as I approached him and stopped within a distance I deemed appropriate; far enough that my itching hands wouldn’t be able to reach him.

I figured that I couldn’t trust my own body around him anymore.

“Killian,” I called out weakly, and he refused to regard me as he kept his attention to the view in front of him, but I could see clearly how his shoulders tensed from the simple call of his name. “Please, stop blaming yourself. I knew the risk of what I did and I can never question what happened to me that night. I already saw it coming, but I just chose to ignore it.”

“I could have saved you sooner, Valerie,” Killian said, his tone harsh as he looked at me over his shoulder, his lips curling back to reveal an involuntary flash of teeth, “He ruined you in front of everyone. He wasn’t even done yet and you were barely breathing already.”

I could see it clearly, the hate he had for himself and the failure he thought he was bearing, but I didn’t know how I could bring him the solace that he needed. I didn’t think I was the right person for that.

“But I made it out alive, didn’t I?”

Killian stood up and turned around to face me completely, “You did, but he completely butchered what dignity you have left on your name.”

“And what’s new about that?” I questioned him bitterly, and he clenched his jaw in reply.

I was only making it worse.

“Let’s go,” Killian said with a deepened tone to his voice before turning around to start walking.

His steps were big, almost hurried, and I pushed myself to stay close behind him by picking up the pace to my walk. As if my knee went numb for a split of second, I lost my footing once again, but was swiftly caught by Killian with his hands planting onto my shoulders.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

As soon as Killian and I arrived the house where an Alpha would stay, we stopped at the double doors that led to the long table where all the werewolves that bore higher titles ate their food.

“Do you sleep here now?” I questioned Killian who stood silently behind me and waited for me to enter first.

“No, I spent all five nights by your side.”

His words were straight to the point and his voice was unwavering, and I avoided his scorching gaze as I gritted my teeth while I had my hand planted against the door.

What was he doing to me?

Wanting to avoid the sudden rush of heat that ran through my body, I pushed the doors wide open without acknowledging the fact that all the werewolves were already seated on the long table.

All eyes turned to me with hung open mouths, and my hands went cold, trembling as I stood frozen in spotlight.

I released a harsh breath as my eyes landed on the two remaining seats settled at the end of the table, which were the place solely made for the Luna and the Alpha.

The chair of the Beta was occupied by Heath with a gaping mouth as he let his cerulean eyes regard me.

“I will not sit there,” I bit out with my voice held within a whisper.

Killian all but remained quiet and placed his hand on my arm before leaning down to speak against my ear, “It’s just a chair.”

Killian led my frigid body to the far end of the table before pulling out the chair for me to sit in. His thoughtful eyes watched the conflicted expression that was shown clearly on my face, and I slowly moved to take my seat while he took his place beside me.

Killian didn’t pay any attention to anyone and began taking his portion of the food laid out before him, without looking at everyone nor making any greetings, he said with a pressing tone to his voice,

“Eat.”

The silence broke as the large room was immediately filled with the sound of clinking glass and moving platters, everyone kept themselves busy with their meal.

Killian glanced at me as I watched everyone do what they pleased and began eating.

“You take what you want and eat,” Killian told me as he sliced the steak in half with one easy glide of his knife.

I swallowed down my discomfort and began to pile up my plate with the number of meal that I had usually served myself with, but looking down at my plate, I had come to think that it wasn’t enough to answer my hunger.

I looked up to see a man eyeing me up and my untouched food.

Something stirred underneath my skin, my back setting straight on its own accord as my lips curled back to express my threat at the wolf looking at the food that wasn’t his.

“What?” I snarled.

Everyone was silent again and let their attention fall back onto me, but Killian kept himself busy with the rib eye roast on his plate.

Realizing what I had just done, I shook my head and tried to regain my composure, my shoulders sinking back as I tried to even out my breath.

I extended my arm to reach out for the glass of water, only to be rendered stricken as my eyes landed on the particular spot where the dark punctures used to take its place, my skin void of the darkened veins that I had always come to dread about.

I cleared my throat and clenched my jaw before standing up from my seat, “Excuse me.”

My walk turned to strides as I made my way out of the house and over to the clinic with my hands balled into tight fists.

I attempted to open the front door and found it locked.

I never locked the clinic.

Releasing a shaky breath, I began using the force of my body to open the door, hitting it with my side as I held tight on the doorknob.

With one last hit to the door, I had busted open and almost lost my balance. I entered my office and began my hurried search.

Drawing out the particular drawer that held the rest of antiserum, I nearly lost my breath to replace it empty, and I looked up at the lean figure nearly taking up the threshold of the room.

“Where is it, Killian?” I questioned him as my body began to tremble in what felt like anger.

“You can’t do that to yourself again,” Killian told me.

“You went through my office?” I questioned him through gritted teeth.

“You’re killing youself, Valerie, I--”

“Where is it?!” I exclaimed and began to rummage through every drawer I had in the room.

I could feel it already. The wolf’s connection already grown into a mere string, and I had every bit of will within me to cut it short before it could get to me.

My entire figure was buzzing, yearning for the comfort of the syringe that granted me my peace.

And I remembered that I kept an extra shot that I hid inside the jewelry box settled in the shelves with some of my books.

Killian watched me as I frantically reached for the box, opening it, I let out a relieved breath and took the syringe before removing the protective cap.

“Don’t,” Killian warned me when I finally had the needle pointing directly to the vein on the joint of my arm.

“Stop,” I bit out as I felt the pressure of his word digging into my spine, “I need this, Killian.”

“Give it to me, Valerie,” Killian said and began his slow approach with his hand held out, careful that he wouldn’t trigger me to let the needle break through my skin.

“Why?!” I questioned him with a cry, “I can’t deal with this thing inside me!”

“Let me help you. There’s another way, okay? Please, just give it to me,” Killian pleaded.

Alphas don’t beg.

His expression was hurting, he looked like he was more afraid for me than I was for myself, and I found that fact almost funny.

“Help me?” I laughed bitterly, “It’s you that needs all the help, Killian! Do they know?”

Killian’s jaw clenched and pressed his lips tightly together, “Not yet.”

“You can tell me to stop when you tell those werewolves what risk you’ve put them in,” I spat and applied pressure to the needle against my skin, and Killian released a breath as my words hit him where it hurt the most.

But I was more worried by the twisting feeling within my chest when I witnessed Killian’s apparent hurt. He looked surprised, as if he couldn’t believe that I would replace it in myself to speak against him.

If he was any other Alpha, I could have gotten my heart ripped out of my chest as soon as I made an offense, but Killian chose to break beneath my words.

“Tell me,” Killian paused, and regarded me with eyes that held his crumbling hope for me and the dying light to his tenacity, “if I had been the first to be punished that night, would you have done the same and fought for me?”

I let out a troubled cry, completely frustrated from the spiraling emotions that I had no idea how to handle. I was about to nod, but ended up shaking my head.

I knew I had to put the pack first, regardless of what I felt for him.

Killian had an organization of scientists behind his back, and he exposed us all with a mere tracker implanted at the back of his head.

He had long dug the grave of many werewolves.

And I knew that I was going to give him an answer that went against my aching heart.

I sucked in a breath and fought the weakness from completely giving out for him to see. I looked at him straight in the eyes and gave him the answee that he feared the most,

“No.”

While Killian sunk deeper into the agony of my truth, I severed the growing tie that bound me to the wolf within, pushing the needle through my vein as I relentlessly repeated inside my head,

It’s better this way.