Standing Out
Chapter 4: The Person Inside of Me

Most of the time, classmates cower from me in fear. That’s why I started wearing a blonde wig, and suddenly, I’m not as scary. My parents told me that “beauty isn’t just skin deep,” but I’m not buying it. I guess they are trying to tell me that beauty on the inside is more important, but that doesn’t seem to matter to anyone at my school.

Jessabelle had stopped playing with me because she was losing popularity. Apparently hanging out with the bald kid ruined your status at school. She looked apologetically at me when she said, “I think you are a great person, I really do. But I just can’t be seen with you, okay?” From then on, I was determined to avoid friendships and mask my ugliness. I had developed a resistance for making friends as a result of my fear of being rejected, but I still held on to the small hope that if I improved my looks, Jessabelle would be my friend again.

I never understood why the other children were so critical of me, though. Since when did my outside matter more than the person inside of me? Or maybe, is the person on my inside ugly too?

Although I felt utterly deflated, I couldn’t help but join in on the festivities. It was “Game Day” at school and we were supposed to bring in our favorite game to play for recess. I brought in Uno, hopeful that someone would play with me just because they liked the game. I guess I got lucky, because after a lot of asking around, Jessabelle shot her friends a guilty look and went over to play with me instead.

“Thanks for playing with me, Jessie.” I bit my lip, hoping she wouldn’t be upset that I talked to her. Her friends were staring at me in disgust and I hoped that I wasn’t hurting her reputation.

She shrugged. “No big deal.”

Concerned that I might annoy her, I quickly shuffled the cards and dealt out seven of them to both of us. I laid the cards down and flipped one over. It was a blue draw two. Anger flashed in Jessie’s eyes as she picked up two cards. I stared at my hand and saw another draw two that I could use. Worried that I might chase her away, I refrained from using it and chose a different card. As the game progressed, I saw agitation erupt in my former friend’s gaze. She threw her cards down and stomped away when I said “Uno” to indicate that I had one card left. Distraught, I beseeched her return, but was granted no such relief. I stared in agony as I witnessed her departure.

“Jessie,” I called. I was met with stony silence. I sat alone for the rest of recess, contemplating my mistakes.

Jessie and I had been friends for only a week. During that short period, she had slowly grown more and more distant until she found new friends. I didn’t understand what I did wrong to chase her away so easily. I tried to be as nice to her as possible and I even somewhat broke my muttering habit so that she wouldn’t replace me strange.

I wonder if it was the hair pulling that turned her away. She didn’t just leave me to save her popularity. There had to have been something wrong with me, I just know it.

As we lined up and walked into the cafeteria, my classmates immediately corralled me and several other misfits to the “Weirdo Deposit Area” at the former Peanut-Free Table. I slouched down moodily on the seat that had already been chosen for me. I can’t believe I belong with them. My eyes shifted pointedly to Booger Benjamin and Saliva Sally. But there was no point to really make. I was one of them.

I stood up and grabbed my lunch box. Once this was completed, I returned to my seat and grumbled as I sat down again. Pulling out my sandwich, I began to eat in silence, just as I did every other day. As I ate, I would be constantly disrupted by the sudden urge to yank out my hair or make a few bird noises.

Joseph, who was deaf, sat next to me since he would be least likely to be annoyed by my sounds. He signed something, but it was incomprehensible to me. He waited expectantly, but I just shook my head sadly at him. He glared at me with frustration and my eyes filled with sympathy. I know what it’s like to be misunderstood too. Day after day, I’m given false hope and poor advice. No one knows what to do and I am constantly mistreated for my flaws.

Once the lunch dismissal bell rang, I was more than grateful. I rushed to my Special Needs classroom with my lunch box flailing behind me.

“Whoa, slow down there Mya.” Mrs. Hauser’s eyes widened with surprise as I sprinted towards her classroom and halted abruptly at the entrance, gasping for breath. “What’s the rush?”

“I just need to get away.” I panted.

“Get away from what?” Her blue eyes filled with confusion.

“Everything,” I breathed out simply.

Mrs. Hauser’s gaze flooded with concern. “Would you like to talk to me?”

“Not really, but thanks for offering.” I found my desk and plopped down into it, exhausted at my desperate run to escape the callous glares of my peers.

She continued to fix me with an uncertain gaze, but said nothing more. Once everyone had arrived, she began our Science lesson. She droned on about the differences between nonrenewable and renewable resources until she had lost everyone’s attention and then quickly transitioned the lesson to Spelling. I didn’t even give this one a chance. I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep before she repeated how to spell “flower” for the eighth time. I’m sure that she noticed that I bailed out on her because she asked to speak with me after class. Unfazed, I nodded.

“Is everything okay, Mya?” Her eyes bored imploringly into me.

“I guess.” As I formed these words, her gaze hardened.

“Is it really?”

“No,” I cast my eyes to the floor. “I want to be like everyone else and I don’t want to be in the Special Needs classroom anymore.”

“Mya, you are a beautiful person inside and out. Why would you want to be like everyone else when you are already so amazing the way that you are?”

“Maybe you would understand if you were bullied all of the time. Many of the other students in this room have earned sympathy, but I have somehow earned reprimand.” My eyes began to water and I wiped them instinctively.

“If it makes you feel better I can move you to the other classrooms, but you need to understand something first.” Her expression was dead-serious. “Although you might appear to be different, that’s what makes you so special. There is never going to be another you, so embrace who you are. Life is precious and limited, so do you want to spend the rest of your life chastising yourself for your shortcomings?” She reached to squeeze my hand. “You are a beautiful young lady, Mya. Never forget that.” Her tone was sincere and it filled me with warmth to know that she thought so highly of me.

After I left that room, I was never the same. She had taught me to love who I am, the person inside of me. Suddenly determined to be the person I was blessed to be, I threw my wig off and let my hair be what it was. It was time for me to embrace the real Mya. It was time for everyone to embrace the real Mya.