Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest
Chapter 7: You Thought I Didn't Have Enough Problems - part 1

Again I felt as if I was moving a very long way and I suddenly felt rather hot. Suddenly Narblo was in front of me, sitting naked on Miandri’s bed, with only his groin covered by a sheet. My fist was swinging towards him. There were high pitched screams, I think from Dwendra and Egrindrith.

“Predestination,” said Miandri.

I was forced to twist around to my left because I still had my left arm round Dwendra and my left foot was stuck to the floor. This meant my foot and ankle were now hurting a lot. Considering my protective magic, this was rather worrying. Narblo did his best to get out my way. I fell onto the bed, still with my foot stuck to the floor, and Dwendra fell with me. I wound up with my back to Narblo and my nose between Dwendra’s breasts.

“I told you he’d be all right,” said Miandri, “it’s predestination.”

“Where art we?” asked Dwendra, struggling to disentangle herself from me.

“Keep calm!” said Egrindreth. “Take slow deep breaths, concentrate on your surroundings.”

I was sweating and couldn’t help but breath heavily.

“Do you think ...” Narblo started to say.

“Art thou the three psychics whom Clindar wert fighting?” asked Dwendra, pulling her hood down, I knew she hated Nuharas and didn’t like dressing like one.

I was trying to stand up and look round at the same time, “Why are you still here and still in nearly the same places and dressed, or fornicating undressed in the same way?”

“Keep calm!” said Egrindreth.

“Which of thou art Benai Nibeyim?” asked Dwendra.

“You don’t want to accidentally teleport again,” said Egrindreth.

“What the fornication is going on?” I asked, finally standing up by pulling on the bed’s headboard and Dwendra’s shoulder, which helped the pain in my ankle rather.

“You can teleport through time,” said Egrindreth. “You’ve only been gone a few seconds.”

“I needeth to contacteth Benai Nibeyim!” said Dwendra.

“I can take you to them,” said Narblo. “Now if ...”

“You illegitimate feces fornicated the only girlfriend I’ve ever had!” I shouted at Narblo but it was partly an attempt to warn Dwendra. Narblo had backed out of range of my punches, holding a sheet in a pathetic attempt to protect his honor.

“Keep ...” said Egrindreth.

“You,” I pointed at Miandri, “made me fall in love with you and then fornicated him although he’s old enough to be your fornicating father!”

“She has daddy issues because her parents are divorced,” said Narblo.

“That’s no fornicating excuse! You know I’m seriously urinated because I’m the only boy at school who hasn’t had sex because some subhuman feces is fornicating conspiring against me and everybody thinks I’m the fornicating rapist! How the fornication did you think fornicating my girlfriend will make me feel!”

“Keep calm!” screamed Egrindreth at the top of her voice.

“I’ve no idea what the fornication you’re trying to do!” I shouted at Egrindreth.

“Stop ...” she said.

“You’re fornicating mad,” I pointed to Dwendra, “and think you’re Nuhar Zorg’s missing fornicating wife only a bunch of other people had the same fornicating delusion ...”

“Delusion!” said Dwendra, who seemed very confused.

“... and you even had a fornicating palace in the fornicating desert and I’ve no fornicating idea if that has fornication to do with the other fornicating feces except you mentioned Haprihagfen and Benai Nibeyim!”

“Perhaps ...” Narblo said.

“Keep calm!” shouted Egrindreth. “Or you’ll teleport again!”

“It would be a lot easier for me to keep calm if somebody would tell me what the feces is going on! And my foot’s stuck to the floor!”

“I escaped before my marriage wert consummated so I art still a virgin,” said Dwendra.

“Does Benai Nibeyim give teleportation lessons?” asked Egrindreth.

There was a pause.

“Because if not, I’ll have to ...”

Just at that moment, my Dad burst into the room, still wearing his coat. He must have only just got home and we hadn’t heard because of our argument.

“What is going on?” he asked, looking around.

“Narblo fornicated Miandri,” I said, “my foot’s fornicating stuck to the floor and I haven’t the foggiest about the rest.”

“You what!” shouted Dad at Narblo.

“She’s got daddy issues,” said Narblo. “You yourself said ...”

Dad threw some sort of fire spell at Narblo, but it was deflected with that grating, conflicting magic sound and the two of them started fighting with lots of flashes and sparks.

“This is totally uncool,” said Miandri.

Something warm and soft touched the back of my neck and I felt those fireworks in my head again.

This time I didn’t feel as if I’d travelled as far but the direction was rather different.

I dropped a few centimetres to the ground in darkness and felt a lot cooler, chilled to my bones like I’d felt when I’d first appeared in the tent. Several things became clear to me almost immediately. The pressure on my left foot had stopped and as soon it touched the ground, it was clear I no longer had my left boot on. There were two anavot in close proximity to me, presumably Egrindreth and Dwendra, one with her hand on my neck. I could make out a doorway, lit by dim red light and I could see a stone wall on the other side.

“Where art we?” asked Dwendra.

“One of those desert Holy Sites nobody ever visits,” said Egrindreth. “I really should have asked you if you wanted to learn to teleport but there wasn’t really time and I didn’t want to leave you in that mess. Now you’ve teleported at least twice you don’t really have a choice, sorry.”

“I’ve lost my boot,” I said, turning to look at Dwendra and Egrindreth.

“I art not delusional!” said Dwendra, stamping her foot. “Thou didst seeth Nuhar Zorg. Thou didst helpeth me to slayeth him and dissmembereth his body and thou didst see ...”

“Zorg and his wife disappeared centuries ago!” I said. “The last Yohoists were killed or converted ...”

“Keep calm!” said Egrindreth. “You’re Nuhar Zorg’s wife?”

“Bride,” Dwendra spat, clenching her teeth, “the marriage wert not consummated and I art still a virgin.”

“Told you,” I said, turning my palms upward, “total nut job!”

“Keep calm!” said Egrindreth. “We can teleport through time! We don’t normally go that far but ... Oh wow! I think you may have ... Anyway, every time you teleport it makes it more likely you’ll do it again accidentally and might end up in a rock or some other place where you couldn’t survive. If you’re trained properly, you can consciously control it and not do it by accident. Also, each time you teleport, you use up a bit of a neurotransmitter or something, I don’t think anybody’s sure exactly. This chemical is replaced but it takes time. This means if you teleport a lot in a short space of time, it’s difficult to do it again for a few hours. It’s recommended if you’re teleported a hundred times quickly, you should be safe for about a day, which is long enough to get your training started. You’ve just had two so I’m going to teleport you ninety eight more times. It would help if we get into a tighter group and we need skin contact, and try not to think of places, I’m driving.”

Egrindreth pulled Dwendra and myself closer together, before I could think of an argument and I felt more fireworks in my head.

There were Holy Sites, with relics hidden in them, all over Midbar. Of course only those in or near the Great Basin were used much for religious activities. The rest had basically just been abandoned shortly after they were built and now just served as hiding places for relics.