I think back to my childhood room in Chicago, I never really felt like it was my home. I never connected with the city, or the people; my own mother ... always on edge.
Sarah had been a force to be reckoned with, she was shy and small, and looked vulnerable. So, I swooped in to protect her, in a way that I needed someone to protect me. Except, she wasn't really that vulnerable at all. She let me believe it, so that I had a purpose, a focus. That's what I did ... I fixed things, helped others have better lives than me, organized things to make it all so safe and steady and predictable. Much like my mother does for her homeless shelter patrons. I was trying to fool myself, trying to detach myself from my own life. It's why I excelled at my job, distancing my own needs and emotions, and robotically taking control.
Is that what my mother does? Are we more alike than I care to admit?
Jake flipped the tables on me when he brought my own life, my own flaws, and insecurities into the picture. He didn't want a brainless PA to do his bidding, he wanted involvement from me. A two-way friendship. To delve into my life and fix things, that others failed to do. This insane need in him to pry and figure me out, like a kid with a toy. The first time someone took control of my problems and wanted to hear them.
He is a child sometimes, hardly surprising that I posed as a challenge and an adventure. I was probably the first young female to grace his presence who didn't want to bed him, who hadn't fallen at his feet drooling. It was probably refreshing to not have a girl swooning demurely all the time. I was real; we bonded as friends and got to know each other. Not posing a threat to one another at all and catching me by surprise.
That's how he got in, by being the one man I have ever met who didn't want anything from me at all. He didn't desire me, he didn't frighten me, his easy, laid back manner, forcing me out of my formal mode. Always pushing the boundaries further into laxness.
I crossed the line, not him, I fell in love with him and in turn I gave him a free rein to chase me as another conquest. He is a hot-blooded male, and that's what he does. I removed the rules to our friendship by kissing him, and opened a can of worms, sending us both spiraling into confusing, blurring the lines of what we are, causing chaos between us. I only have myself to blame.
***
Marcus returns mid-afternoon, his short shift for the day over and offers to take us both for a late lunch, which shocks me. The fight between them forgotten and replaced with giggles and hugs like it never happened.
I still can't warm to him, so decline the offer, aware Sarah's eyes are on me. She's asking me to give him a chance, for her sake and I throw her a look which I hope conveys the message "baby steps". They finally leave, giving me head space to think. Time to figure out how I'll face Jake at work on Monday.
***
I'm tense as I sit in the office waiting for Jake, he hasn't called or text me all weekend and I've been too afraid to contact him. Apart from after our time on his boat, we've never gone this long with no contact and it has me overly touchy and emotional. My nerves eating away at me. Already I've snapped at two receptionists when coming through the floor to the office, for the smallest things.
I check my watch repeatedly.
When Rosalie takes up residence in her own area of the office outside of mine, I realize it's after nine and Jake still hasn't shown up; he's rarely late. I'm tense and on edge, and I've no idea what we'll even say to each other. All I've thought about all weekend is what we have done. How it felt to have him kiss and touch me that way, what it felt like to let Jake have sex with me, and it brought me to tears over and over. Despite everything I thought when it first happened, I can't deny that the memory is bittersweet. I felt alive and cherished, sexy, and wanton, all in one go, and his touch is the only touch I can ever trust, the only touch I ever want to feel.
Sarah has gotten to me, another long talk the next morning, turning my way of thinking. Showing me that I haven't anything to lose, and everything to gain. That my parents have set me up for insecurity and worthlessness in my own mind. Fear of rejection and a warped version of life. She convinced me that it is only in my head that I am not loveable. That only I am convinced I am not worthwhile enough to be loved by Jake.
I've lingered over the memory so many times, I see it every time I close my eyes, remember how he feels, smells, kisses, and I just want him to come in, so we can talk properly. I want to run into his arms and have him take all this pain away. I've already resigned myself to the fact that I finally need to be honest with him, about as much of my past as I can bear. I need to tell him that I'm scared about how I feel about him, and I don't know where it will lead. The chaos which goes on in my head when I seem cold and distant. I need him to truly understand me.
I know one thing for certain after all of this ... I love him hopelessly, and I need to tell him that.
Despite how he feels about me, his obsession with casual sex and a stream of women. I need to tell him how I really feel. No matter the outcome. No matter his response. It's expanding inside of me so quickly now that I can identify it; I'll self-implode. Sarah was right about that at least. I need to take a chance and be brave. Give him the opportunity to tell me if there is hope.☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐
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