The Falcon Ridge Series Book 1 She's Not For You
Chapter 40

(Chapter song ‘Smooth Criminal’ by Alien Ant Farm)

ANNA

Michael’s right. I’m not doing myself any favors by focusing on River. He doesn’t want me. It only just solidifies what I already knew. There’s only one out there for me and I won’t see him again until a bullet replaces me one day.

I think I got caught up in the delusion that River may have been a second chance even though that’s never happened in the history of fated mates. My mind made up all the thoughts and feeling I had for River. I projected all the feelings I experienced with David onto him and I actually believed it.

Since he left me so easily, I now believe that’s all this was. A fantasy to keep my mind sane.

Once Michael comes into view at the treeline, I put a jog in my step.

I thank god for Michael because those feelings of taking myself out have been scratching at the back of my brain again.

I huff a smile and give a little wave. “Hi.”

"Ready?" He flashes a smile. He looks extremely excited to do this with me. I’ve been kind of a sucky friend lately, this run is the least I can do for him and myself.

We both undress and call the wind. My wolf shakes out her shiny, jet black fur. My eyes adjust to the dimming light.

Michael's large grey and white wolf stands proud and ready. He pants and barks and takes off into the trees. Mine quickly follows.

This was a great idea. I felt so light, flying through the trees. I'll run. I’ll try to forget about River, my guilt, my pain. It's just me and my wolf. In this moment. Just running. Feeling the power in my paws. Feeling the wind in my fur. In this moment, nothing seems to matter, but just running.

I'm lost in the euphoria of the forest when I hear a playful bark behind me. Michael's wolf is on my heels. I almost forgot he was here. My wolf barks back and bears down to run faster. The chase is on.

I zigzag through the trees as Michael's wolf tries to tag me with a playful nip. It’s been so long since we just played and ran.

We get to a clearing and I run around the edge of it. My run turns into a bouncing trot as Michael and I circle each other. Barking, panting, wagging our tails.

He starts to play fight and I return his challenge. Our wolves are like pups. Playfully nipping and wrestling each other.

We tumble to the ground, panting and tired. Our wolves retreat for some rest.

I'm lying on my back in the grass panting and giggling. "This was fun." I manage with a big smile on my face.

Michael is on his side next to me with his head on his hand propped up on his elbow. "I'm glad you're having fun."

I turn and mirror his position. "Thank you." I say humbly.

He reaches over and sweeps a lock of hair from my face. "It's the least I can do. You deserve to be happy Anna." His voice was soft and low.

“I know. Unfortunately, that means I’ll be alone.” I pick at the grass.

“You’re never alone, Anna.” He whispers.

“You know what I mean, Michael.” I give him a bit of gentle snark.

“Yes, I do.” He says quietly. Our eyes lock and he did something I wasn't expecting. He leans in and puts his soft lips on mine. I was shocked. Confusion ran through my mind, but familiarity of it causes me to melt. To give in. I part my lips and take in his soft tongue.

He grabs the back of my head and pulls me in deeper. He always knew how to kiss me to make me forget how fucked up my life is. He always knew how to touch me to make me hide from my problems.

Then reality crashed in.

I push him back and sit up. “Michael, I can’t.”

“Why not?” He sits up with me. “Anna, what happened wasn’t your fault. Don’t let River get in your head, ok?”

“It was my fault, Michael. I harped on River so much about jealousy, that I was blind to my own. I just…I need more time.” I pick at the ground.

He pulls me to face him and his legs intertwined with mine. “Ok. You lost your cool, but you served your punishment. Move on.”

“I can’t, Michael. Not yet.”

I get up, call the wind and shift.

I run back, get dressed and walk back to the barracks. My punishment isn’t done. I don’t know if it will ever be. The crater in my heart is huge. I believed I loved River. I still do. This delusion that he could have been mine was so real and strong, it hurts a lot. I can’t just move on.

****

RIVER

I've been pulling my hair out this week. Lashing out, snapping at everyone. My wolf, and myself, are so angry. All the time. I just want to kill things.

I replace myself not the same trainer as I was before in training. I'm short with the recruits, resentful, demeaning. Picking on weaker wolves to take my frustrations on. I can't get my head straight.

"Davis!" I yell. I march over to the tall kid who's been taking a beating all morning during spar practice. "What the fuck? Get your lazy ass up and fucking get to work!" I grab him by the shirt and lift him off the ground.

"Sir…Yes, sir." He struggles in my grip to stand and clearly scared.

I can feel the other recruits' eyes on me. I point to Davis. "This isn't a game. Quit fucking around."

"Yes, sir." He stands wide eyed at my outburst.

Zeke must have seen the display of frustration I'm putting on because he came over and put a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Alpha. Can I have a moment?"

I look at him, my eyes shooting daggers and back to Davis. "Yeah, ok." I grumble.

Zeke looks at Davis. "Just continue practice. Try and square your body and keep it tight." He winks at Davis.

Davis smiles. "Thank you, sir."

Zeke turns me around with a hand on my back and leads me, stomping off the field.

We get to the edge and he spins me around, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He grits.

"Nothing." I grit back, clearly pissed.

"Nothing?" He folded his arms. "River, you're about to fucking kill someone. Tell me what the fuck your problem is?"

"I don't know." I put my hands on my hips. "It's like every day. Every minute. I just get more and more angry, frustrated, I can't control myself. I just want to rip everything apart."

Zeke put his hand on my shoulder. "When's the last time you let him out?"

I shrug. "A week, I think."

"I think you need a run, man. Then you need a few nights to blow off some steam." Zeke searches my face.

Blade joined us. " Sup." He nods. "What's going on?"

Zeke glances at him. "Nothing. Just trying not to lose our head."

Blade sighs. "Is it bad?"

I nod, looking at the ground.

Blade folds his thick arms. "Why don't we go for a run tonight. Just us boys."

Zeke grinned. "That's what I was thinking. I'm sure we could all use a good head clear."

I run my fingers through my hair. "Yeah. Sounds good."

Blade claps my back. "Good. Let's break for lunch."

We all nod and call the training session.

I walk into the dining hall and I see her. My chest pains. My gut twists in sickening ways like it's in a vice grip. Anna is all kinds of beautiful. Like I'm walking in slow motion, I watch as she tucks her hair behind her ear. Her scent hits my nose, flooding my senses. She smiles. A sight I never thought I'd see again. It lights up her entire face. I whine at the sight because I'm not the one to put it there. She's talking with Michael. She doesn't even notice me walk by.

Once she's out of my field of vision my world crashes again. This is definitely harder than I thought it would be.

I turn back to glance at her and I really wish I didn't. Michael has her hand in his on the table as they talk. I turn back, clenching my eyes and my jaw. My wolf is losing his shit in my chest. It's taking everything the push him down. I take deep breaths, fighting the urge to punch the fucker who's touching what's mine.

But she's not mine. Not anymore. I ended it. Made her feel like shit. Left her believing that everything is her fault. It's no wonder she'd run to him. He's there. Always there. Always there to pick up her pieces. Always there for comfort and friendship. He’s there to fix what I destroyed.

That doesn't quell my anger. That doesn't stop the possessive hold my wolf has on her. Regardless of my decision, my wolf staked his claim and this guy is crossing the line. My wolf is fighting me. Making me sweat. My hands shake in my lap.

Zeke sits down. He sees my struggle. "River...What's wrong?" He glances over at Anna and Michael. He sees him holding her hand. Sees them smiling at each other. "Fuck. River..." He starts.

I don't say a word. I stand and rush out of there before my wolf can tear through. I run to the woods and rip my clothes off. I shift and hit the trees.

****

I ran for a couple of hours. Tearing through the trees. My wolfs anger was at least a thousand times stronger then my own. I needed to tire him out. Keep him distracted. Keep him at bay. I did this to us. I will take the pain and anger. He can sleep through it.

When I get back, the afternoon session has already started.

I join my recruits. I'm feeling a little less like a psychopath and more like someone suffering a broken heart. I walk up to Davis, but talk loud enough for all the recruits to hear. "I want to apologize to you and everyone."

Davis stands, blinking at me. He looks like he’s about to puke.

"I wasn't acting as a leader to you and I'm sorry for that. I won't do that again." I stare at Davis.

Davis smiles. "It's fine sir. If I may say, we've all been there." He seems to indicate he knows what I'm going through.

I nod. "Ok. Let's do some circuits." I clap my hands and the recruits break off to the circuit area.

Zeke walks up beside me. "You ran him out?"

I shake my head. "Yeah. Knocked him out."

He claps my back. "Good. Still running tonight?"

I nod. "Yeah. I think it's gonna be the only way I can get through this."

I glance across the circuits. I see Anna doing sit ups and Michael is spotting her. She stops and Michael leans into say something and she throws her head back and laughs. He hands her a water bottle and helps her up.

Every move he does, builds my anger. Builds my heartbreak. I turn and head to my recruits. Trying not to look at her, but I feel like I'm doing the opposite every two minutes.

My mind was so numb by the time the end of the afternoon training ends; I didn't notice anything around me.

I didn't notice Fiona come up beside me. "Hey, Alpha."

I glance at her quickly. "Recruit. What can I help you with?"

She clasped her hands in front of her. "Can I speak freely, sir?"

I stop and so does she. I turn to her. "Go ahead." My voice is deep.

She swallows. "A few of us have noticed...a change. Are you OK?"

I'm sure my recent outbursts haven't gone unnoticed as it is a polar opposite behavior change.

Her deep brown eyes search mine. I know she's Anna's friend, but I don't know how comfortable I am with airing my dirty laundry to someone I don't know. "I'm fine, recruit." My voice is deep.

"Are you sure? Listen. I won't lie. I know what's been going on. She hasn't spoken to me since..." She swallowed and looked down. Folding her arms around her. "She hasn't told me anything. Just...I see you hurting...and I hope I'm not crossing the line here, I kind of think of you as a friend too."

I sigh. Scrub a hand down my face. I know I should end this conversation right here and now, but for some reason I feel like I can talk to her.

"Fiona." I shuffle my feet. "We broke up. Ok. So don't worry about me. Worry about Anna."

She looked confused. "Was it because of... you know."

I nod.

"Oh." She looked at me. "Well, like I said. I consider you a friend too. So, if you need to vent or just want to grab a beer, you can come to me."

I give her a half smile. "That's nice, but I don't think it's appropriate."

She puts her hands up, shaking her head fast "Oh no. I wasn't suggesting..."

I put my hand up to cut her off. "It's ok. I know what you meant. I just think it's not appropriate for you as an unranked member. That's all."

She gives a quiet laugh. "Oh ok. Yeah, you're probably right. Just...if you need anything. Anything at all. Just ask." She flashes a smile.

"Will do." I smile back. "Now, don't you have somewhere to be, recruit?"

"Yes, sir." She walks off leaving me there feeling actually slightly better. Aside from the guilt I feel about hurting Anna, I also harbor a bit of guilt toward my recruits. I don't need them to be afraid of me either. I enjoy having their respect as a leader. I felt like I tainted that somehow. Having Fiona approach, me with the teams' concerns, made me feel better. Like I haven't destroyed their relationship with me at least.

****

I meet up with the boys at the treeline.

We strip our clothes off and call the wind. Once we're shifted, we bound through the trees. Just three massive Alpha males, prowling through the forest.

My wolf needs this for sure. It's the only thing that takes his mind off of Anna.

I separate from the boys and twist and turn through the trees. I hear a sound. It's...it's familiar. A soft voice carrying on the breeze.

My ears perk up and I follow. The voice is joined by another. A voice that turn my insides.

I come to an edge of a clearing. Not breaching the treeline. My wolf recedes just a bit so I can get a good look.

The pit of my stomach falls as the two naked forms of Michael and Anna come into view.

My emotions sky rocket so much that I shift. I quickly dart into the brush.

The moonlight makes her look like a godamn angel. I watch them talk. I watch him touch her. I watch her smile at him and my heart shatters. I wanted her move on, but not like this. Not with him.

My body is filling with hurt, despair, just pure mental anguish.

Then they do the most painful act that I really didn't need to see. He fucking kisses her. A full-on kiss. My wolf can't take it. He rips and shreds at my chest as tears roll down my cheeks. I turn away, sitting in the dirt. Holding my head in my hands. It's too much. My wolf tears through and runs through the bush just as Zeke and Blade come up.

They must have seen Anna and Michael because they rush after me. Chasing me through the trees.

I don't where I'm going, but I can't get far enough away. I still feel her, sense her, smell her. No matter how far I run, I can't out run the image in my brain.

I did this to myself. I did this to us. She's lost to me forever. I have nothing. I am nothing.

I get to my clothes and shift. I quickly dress fighting the tears and heartbreak. I know she's not cheating on me, but for some reason it feels just like it. Like she just betrayed me somehow. I've had break ups before, but this is a fucking nightmare that won't fucking end.

I run across the field. I hear Zeke and Blade calling me.

"River! Stop!" Blade yells.

I slow down and stop. Bending over putting my hands on my knees. Whining out my breaths as I fight myself from crying.

They approach me on either side.

Zeke bends over with me on the side. "Hey....River...it's OK."

I shake my head, I blow out a deep breath. "No, it's not. It's far from fucking ok."

Blade squats in front of me, putting his hand on my nape. "River. I know it hurts dude. I know, but you can't let this get you man."

I cover my eyes with one hand. "I can't...I can't do this.”

Blade rushes up and grabs my head. Zeke stands with his hands on his hips.

Blade holds me. "It's ok. It's ok, buddy."

My knees are weak. I can't think. The only image I see is Anna kissing him.

My pain turns to anger and I stand. I wipe my nose and look back at the trees. I did this to myself. I need to fix this somehow.

Blade looks at Zeke. "We better get out of here before they show up."

Zeke nods.

Blade wraps his arm around me and we all walk back to the dorms.

I get to my room and crash onto my bed.

I don't know if I'm ever going to survive this. It feels like I'm dying. Like I'm being ripped apart. I made a huge fucking mistake and now I'm paying for it. I can't breathe. I'm drowning in pain. What the fuck is wrong with me?