The Headmaster Alpha's Mate
The Headmaster Alpha’s Mate Chapter 88

The Diary of Chloe Colton

The Date:- all my days are rolling into one, so who the f**k knows at this point?

Dear Diary,

Each morning I awake, head to training, plastering my now perfected fake smile on my face, as I converse with my pack members, whilst I feel like I am dying inside. The pain inside my heart never disappears, as I work on the day to day needs of our pack, along with the finer points of our plans to win over the hearts and minds of the werewolf community, so that we may implement the changes to our world my parents had envisaged , and had given their lives for. But isn’t that leadership? putting the needs of others before our own, working tirelessly to help those who need us, whilst hiding the reality of our own broken lives from them?

Each night I walk the stairs, hand in hand with my soul mate, then as we close the doors to our suite to lock out the world outside, I collapse onto the floor from the sheer exhaustion of pretending that I am okay.

Zander listens to me as I cry out to the heavens above to just give me back my baby, a child I did not know existed until it was too late. The loss feels as potent today as it did the day it happened, and my desperate plea has gone unanswered. I am left with the heartbreak of losing the child, and those two people who had once called me their daughter, as my perfect mate, the man I love so much, helplessly watches, living in his own eternal agony of losing our pup, but also feeling that he is failing me, as he tries to comfort me, yet no comfort can take away the pain, and so my mood further deflates as I know I am giving him more heartbreak, yet the pit of despare will not leave me, as hard as I try.

Weeks have past, since that day, the day everything was lost to me. My child, who was little more than a bundle of cells, but was a part of me and Zander, who should have flourished under our care, supervision and love. Then the revelation that the man who had betrayed me had taken his own life, opting to die, rather than face up to the reality of the situation he caused. Then there is the woman I had called my mother, gone, viciously murdered by the psychotic, power-crazed woman, who wanted to beat the odds, and show that she could rule, despite her low birth rank.

The irony of the situation does not escape me. She is an omega wanting a chance to rule, and we are fighting for the rights of all wolves to be free to be who they want to be, irrespective of rank or species. Surely, this would mean we were fighting for the same things? But no, Arsehole Amanda fights for no one other than her own selfish needs and cravings. She is not a true leader, and it has nothing to do with her Omega rank, just who she is as a person.

Today, though, I feel even more loss, as finally, the pack house at the Silver Crescent pack, is built, and the list of those who are making the change complete. I know it is what we have been working for, and I am happy for Robin and Lacey that they can finally move towards their own personal destiny, but the feeling of abandonment nips at the edges of my mind, even though I know that is not the case. As ridiculous as it sounds, I worry that I have failed the pack members who have elected to leave us and form the new pack, taking their decision personally, when all sense tells me that is not the case. Delphine and Issac are moving, and the opportunity that Robin and Lacey have offered them is fantastic. Honestly, I am happy for them, yet at the same time, again, the pain of loss surrounds me as I think of Delphine no longer being here, our training sessions when she was practicing for the games, our conversations and laughter. I know I am being a selfish b***h, but I cannot help the thoughts that come into my mind about wanting her to stay. My only solace is they are taking that Liane with them. I am not sure why, but I do not like the girl, and I cannot help but wonder if it is because I feel like she has taken my friend from me, as she spends more time with Delphine than I do at the moment. I am seriously screwed up in the f*****g head. The poor girl is going through her own trauma and I should be understanding, but instead I keep her at arms’ length, being polite but never more than that.

The only person I am pleased that is not around in my day-to-day life is my best friend Nicki. I love her, I will forever love her, and I am so pleased that she is flourishing in her pregnancy, but the happiness of her and Josh, and the small bump that is beginning to show, also makes me jealous, and battling against the negative emotions, and the guilt they bring is exhausting. If I am honest, I feel like our relationship is unraveling, and I remember the words of Hannah, that we are all stronger together, and to resolve our feelings quickly, so that the enemy cannot drive a wedge between us, so I must pull on my big girl pants, and sit down, and talk with my friend, own up to what I am battling and hope she replaces it in her heart to forgive me for pushing her away.

Zander tells me that all of this is normal, but it is not normal for me to be a person who resents the happiness of my best friend, and I hate myself for feeling that way, and so the circle of self-loathing, increasing the blackness of my mind, continues in a never ending circle of depression and despair.

After the ceremony for opening the new pack house, and Robin declares the pack’s loyalty to Zander and I, hailing us as their King and Queen, we are heading away for a few days, up to the Ronsay pack. They have extended an invitation, and invited their allies Shetland pack to come speak with us. It is a good, no, let me rephrase that, great thing, a positive step to gather more support, as the referendum date has been approved for March next year, giving us four months to campaign, and rally support, and hopefully end this conflict before it bloodies the battlefield, and more lives are lost. I am curiously looking forward to getting away, even though it is just for a few days. Maybe the change of scenery will help with my depressed mood, and lift my spirits. I can only hope it works, both personally and professionally.

The only other good news is Caroline. After Ellie’s desperate cries, and she found out about our loss, she has gained strength and she is back working at the packhouse and is cherishing her children, giving her a renewed hope. It is weird, but we both seem to offer each other hope. She sees my fake smile and watches as I push on regardless, and I see her fighting her own depression, and the fact that she is fighting the odds of a rejected mate bond, and moving forward every day. We both silently champion the other, knowing that some days just to get out of bed is an achievement in its self.

Well, that is all for now. I miss the time I could tell you my funny stories from school, and the life of a teenager, but those days are gone for now. I hope that one day, I can share some of my former craziness once more, until then. Good bye. xxx

Chloe closed the lid of her laptop, writing in her journal had become a form of therapy for her, and Zander encouraged her last night to take it up once more. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, after opening up her heart to the pages on her laptop, admitting feelings she kept hidden, and owning the struggles that were alienating her from her best friend, the girl she loved as a sister.

“Hey princess, Caroline is packing for our trip, we are heading up to Ronsay as soon as the ceremony is finished.” Zander whispered softly to Chloe, as he gently kissed the crook of her neck.

“Actually, can we delay the trip by an hour or so? I need to talk with Nicki and Josh, I have put a wedge between us, and I need to tell them what I have been feeling and apologise.” Chloe sighed.

“Of course we can, and do not worry, Nicki loves you, and I know she understands, she would do anything to stop your pain.” Zander smiled, attempting to reassure his mate.

Chloe nodded her head, then with a soft sad smile she trailed, her fingers down Zander’s face.

“I promise, I will be well again,” she whispered with determination.

“I know, it is a process for us both, but you have had more to deal with, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I love you.”

“I love you too, Zander, so much, it breaks my heart to watch your suffering increase because I cannot get my s**t together.” Chloe shook her head, as tears once again stung her eyes.

“Come on, let’s get ready and go celebrate Robin and Lacey’s day.” Zander smiled as Chloe nodded her agreement.

The wheels of the black range rover crunched against the gravel leading up to the newly built packhouse for the Silver crescent pack house, the place was a hive of activity, as those pack members who had decided to make the move, unpacked their things and moved into their allocated rooms. The building was designed to be a mix of the Crescent moon pack house, with the large modern building, but also incorporate some of the ranch feel of the Silverback pack house. As Chloe walked through the two glass doors, Robin, Lacey Nicki and Josh stood smiling together as they welcomed her.

“Before we get started, can we all sit down for a chat?” Lacey asked.

“Yes, of course.” Zander nodded his head in agreement.

Robin led the way to his Alpha’s office door. As they all walked inside, it felt a little strange to see him taking the seat behind the walnut desk, and for Chloe and Zander to be sitting opposite, but she was filled with a sense of pride for her cousin and Lacey.

“Okay, this is a safe place, but we have all noticed a strain in the relationship with Chloe and Nicki, so I thought it best we clear the air here before we move on with the days events.” Lacey started the conversation with a smile.

Chloe’s heart beat loudly in her chest as she nodded her head, then looked at her best friend, before standing up and walking over to her.

“Nicki, I am so sorry I have put a wall between us, I love you, I love Josh, I love that you are pregnant and I know you will be a fantastic mother, but the honest truth is I am jealous, and try as I might, I cannot seem to stop from feeling that way. Please forgive me.” Chloe admitted.

She glanced around the room, waiting for her friends to be shocked and angry at her admission, but all she saw was small smiles, heading in her direction.

“Chloe, I know, and I totally understand, if it were me in your position I would be exactly the same, but this distance between us, me watching you from afar dealing with all this grief with that god awful fake smile on your face, and knowing you feel guilty because you are feeling this way, is breaking my heart.” Nicki cried small tear running down her cheek.

“I am sorry Nicki, really I am, but my mind is f****d up. Hell I am even feeling like the pack members coming here are doing so because I have failed to look after them, and I know it’s not true, I just feel like ….oh f**k knows it is so hard to put it into words.”

“But you have just taken a step to verbalise it, and that is good, Chloe. I know you are our queen, and need to be strong, but even queens need time to get over tragic events. We all think you could benefit from some bereavement counseling, and so when you get back from Ronsay we would like to have you work with me, and Cheryl, to help you work through all this stuff that is bogging you down and making you feel guilty.” Lacey smiled.

“Yes, I already thought that I needed something like that.” Chloe nodded her head in agreement.

“Good, now, let’s get this ceremony started.” Zander stated, keen not to push Chloe too much, she had made good progress today.

As Nicki stood up, Chloe gently took hold of her best friend, then placed her hand on Nicki’s abdomen, before wrapping her arms around her and holding Nicki in a warm embrace she whispered into her ear.

“I love you, and I love your little one. Please believe me, I am sorry I have been distant.” Chloe whispered.

“I forgive you Chloe, and I love you, and so does this little one.” Nicki smiled as they all headed outside to begin the new pack ceremony, feeling like the wall that was between them had been broken down, and a sense of peace filled Chloe’s heart.