The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner
The Maze Bummer: Chapter 4

Later that evening Thomas was lying in bed, with Chuck in the next bed over. The “beds” were just sleeping bags placed on a patch of grass in the Sausage Fest. As Thomas lay silently staring at the sky, he suddenly realized what he needed to do.

“I want to be one of those guys that goes into the maze,” he said. “Except with longer shorts.”

“You mean a Jogger?” said Chuck. “You don’t even know what they do, you piece of klunk.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that word ‘klunk?’” said Thomas. “What does it mean?”

“You know how when you make a number two it goes ‘klunk’ in the toilet?” said Chuck.

“Yeah.”

“That’s what it means.”

Thomas nodded and drifted off to sleep. He began having an awesome dream that he was living somewhere there were actually girls. But after a few minutes, someone shook him awake. Thomas looked up annoyed, and saw it was Newt.

“Thanks a lot,” said Thomas. “I was having a dream with girls in it!”

“Don’t worry,” said Newt. “You’ll have that dream every single time you sleep from now on. Come on, klunkbag. I wanna show you something.”

Newt led Thomas over to one of the walls, and pulled aside some ivy to reveal a porthole window about a foot wide.

“Look,” said Newt.

Thomas looked out the window.

“What am I looking for?” said Thomas.

“I swear, if you ask one more klunkin’ question I’m gonna klunk your klunk up your klunk hole!”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Thomas said.

“Just shut up and look,” said Newt.

A minute passed, and nothing happened in the dark corridor. But then Thomas saw something move. He couldn’t tell what it was at first, but gradually he began to make out something walking…something with long hair.

“It’s a girl!” Thomas cried joyfully. He couldn’t understand why Newt didn’t seem at all excited.

“Keep watching,” said Newt.

A few seconds later, he realized why Newt wasn’t excited. Yes, it was a girl. But as she got closer, Thomas realized it was a fat girl. A very, very fat girl.

“Darn,” Thomas said.

“Now you’re startin’ to see why we don’t leave the Maze at night,” said Newt.

“Wait, what’s the big deal?” Thomas said. “So there’s a fat girl out there, who cares?”

“Keep watching,” said Newt. Thomas looked out the window again. When the fat girl was only a few feet away from the window, Newt knocked on the glass. The fat girl spun toward the window, saw Thomas, and faster than Thomas had ever seen a person move before, leapt toward the window and started tongue kissing it, moving its tongue at superhuman speed.

“Ewwwwww!” Thomas said, jumping back. “I think I’m gonna heave! What is that thing?”

“It’s called a Heaver,” said Newt.

“A Heaver?” said Thomas. “Why’s it called that?” And then he threw up.

“I think you just answered your own question,” said Newt. “The Heavers patrol the Maze every night after the walls close. We believe they’re some sort of humanoid robot.”

Thomas had finally stopped vomiting. “So if you get stuck out there at night,” Thomas asked fearfully, “what do they do to you?”

Newt looked at Thomas with deadly seriousness.

“They make you hook up with them,” said Newt. “Sober.”

The word sober echoed in Thomas’s brain. Sure, he’d hooked up with fat girls before. But never sober. It was always when he was totally wasted and had his beer goggles on. To Thomas, as to every frat guy, the idea of hooking up with a fat girl while sober seemed like a fate worse than death.

“Is there really no alcohol here?” said Thomas.

“Believe me, we’ve asked,” said Newt, and he sadly walked away.