The Misbegotten
Reunion - Summer 2018

Those images flashed through my mind when my mother askedme if I could help make Katie feel more at home here in Los Angeles. She was wondering if I was matureenough. Her hope was to keep my headabout me and help the girl not think about Oklahoma as much as possible thatsummer.

No problem,mom. I got this one, mom. Yeah right…

Had Katiewanted to suck my dick?

I couldn’t think straight. The entire day at school I wasdistracted. I only half-heard and sawwhat was happening around me. The schoolyear was winding down and all my friends were ecstatic summer vacation wasabout to begin. Despite the fact most ofus wouldn’t be going anywhere far during our time off. The governments’ restrictions on travel wouldsee to that.

But still, there were other things to look forward to- the late nights and the parties. Thepartying was more than enough to assuage our sense of freedom from our rigorousroutines while school was in session.

It seemed like forever to get through the day. We didn’t do much, mostly talked or passednotes, but my mind was elsewhere. Evenmaking out with my girlfriend hadn’t helped much.

She had whispered something like, “I can’t wait forschool to end, so we can make love every night.”

Still though, her enthusiasm onlyhalf-registered. The girl from Oklahomapreoccupied my mind. There was only roomfor Katie. I managed the best I could.

During this time, my mother brought Katie home. She told her she would be staying with me, upin the third story Loft. She would haveher own private bed and share a bathroom with no one but me. None of the other children in the house, or theadults for that matter, would bother her in case she felt the need for privacy.

The Loft, as we called it, was a large room with apartial view of the second floor below at one end. In truth, it was a walled-in part of theattic with two “bedrooms”, which we separated with curtains. There was also a walled in half-bath with atoilet, a small sink and a shower.

Up until her arrival, the Loft had been mydomain. I had moved up there a monthafter the contractors had built out the attic. They added the electrical and plumbing, turning it into a smallapartment of sorts. It was a place Isafeguarded against intrusion with zealous fervor. It was my little sanctuary away from mysiblings, my parents, even the world sometimes. When things proved difficult for me, I had a place to get away from itall.

To tell you the truth though, after what happened theprevious summer, I was more than willing to share my living space withKatie. My imagination had been runningwild for so long with that one final image in my head…

She had leanedforward, right? Had she been on theverge of tasting my cock? Had she wantedme that way? Or was it all just a hornyteenage boy’s fantastical wet dream? HadI invented the whole thing? Had Icreated something so I could jerk off in the shower with thoughts of her? Was it all in my mind? Or, had Katie leaned forward, wanting totaste my…?

I got home later that afternoon, earlier thanusual. Track season ended for me a fewweeks earlier. The faster athletes fromaround the school district smoked me in the city semi-finals of the 400mdash. Thus, I had finished adisappointing sixth and was ineligible to move onto the next round of meets.

Normally, I would have been home around 5:30 pm. Today though, I walked through the front door(a little anxious) about twenty minutes before 4. All my siblings were already home. My mother, after picking up Martín fromgrammar school right, had only to driven down the street to get Johan fromhis. Flavia had got a ride from afriend, so she had beaten me home as well. My baby sister Lucia was too young for school at the time. My mother had picked her up first at thedaycare center on Figueroa Street.

When I walked into the house, little Lucia rolled upto me within moments, pushing her bulky “lawn mower” toy. It bounced and jostled over the hard woodfloors of the entryway.

She called out, “Effy! Effy! Effy!” Her tiny hands were already reaching for meas she scooted her way toward me at a run.

“Hi Lucy!” I cooed and stooped down to pick herup. I brought her tight into my arms andgave her a big slobbery kiss behind her ear.

She squealed with delight.

My mother walked up then, rubbing her hands on a dishtowel. It was obvious, she was getting ahead start on dinner.

I figured she was going to make it a big deal, sinceit would be Katie’s first formal meal with us. That was my mother’s way; make everyone feel comfortable no matter thecircumstances. A guest was a guest andwas thus deserving of the best treatment in her book.

My mother might’ve passed the most comely years of herlife – time and child-bearing sapping some of her youth. But, to me – and many other men – she wasstill a welcomed sight to behold. Shewas a short five-foot-one with a full bosom and figure of a woman her age. She still sported the bubble-butt I hadinherited from her. And, from thecompliments I had heard for the older men around me, I guess you could say itwas her most striking feature. True, shewas fifteen pounds heavier than the ninety-eight pound angel I remember from myearly childhood. But, her daintycharacteristics and coarse, black hair, parted down the middle, made her seenexotic. She was quite appealing.

“She loves it when you do that,” commented my motheras she came to a halt, a big smile etched across her face. Her eyes sparkled at the glee in mythree-year-old sister’s eyes.

I smiled at both of them, then raised Lucy even higherin my grasp. I pretended to chew up herbelly, which made her laugh and kick.

She screeched at the top of her lungs, “Top it,Effy! Top it, Effy!”

My mother chuckled at the display, for a time. Then, she peered over at me when I stopped messingaround with the toddler.

The little girl calmed down, gazing between us.

“Why don’t you give me, Lucy-Goosey. You go up and keep Katie company. She’s been shy, too shy for her, if you knowwhat I mean. She seems embarrassed aboutwhat happened. She hasn’t spoken muchsince we got home. She hasn’t come downfrom the Loft either. I explained hershe’d be staying up there with you and she just mumbled thanks and took up allher stuff. She looked sad, Eff. Why don’t you go to her and try to cheer herup. In a few hours, I’ll call you guysdown for dinner, ok?”

I kissed my adorable baby sister once again, withlove, as I transferred Lucia to my mother’s arms. There was concern on my face. I hadn’t expected depression to affect Katiein any way. She was never remorseful,never. It was unlike her to feel bad aboutwhat she’d done. I never would havethought she’d respond to the situation with genuine regret. One could say, I was a little shocked. It cranked my anxiety a few levels higher.

My typical kiss on the cheek I always give to mymother was robotic. I whispered a quiet,“ok”, in her ear. Then, I walked passedher and up the stairs into uncharted territory.

I was so nervous. I was almost skittish when I reached theuppermost landing on the third floor. Ihad walked down the main hall of the house, up the main staircase and throughthe hall on the second floor. Fromthere, it was a short trip up the narrow stairs leading to the Loft.

The impending encounter with the girl I’d had aninfatuation with for longer than I could recall made me wooden. I was stiff as if I were going to my ownexecution or something. I opened thedoor.

To my surprise, I found Katie sitting at the foot ofmy bed, thumbing through my yearbook from the year before. Her eyes were dancing over what my friendshad jotted down, a half-smile seeping out of one side of her mouth. I stepped into the large room. I noticed she had pushed back the curtainsseparating the two sleeping areas. Thisopened up the space to more light. Plus,the cross breeze that usually blows through the chamber this time of the daywas nice.

When I glanced back at her, Katie was already on herfeet, looking back at me with tired eyes. There were dark circles marring what had always been flawless skin. She had pulled back her hair into a thickponytail. All her face was visible. She looked gaunt to me. It was as though the skin on her facestretched against her skull. The castrevealed more of the angled bones underneath, rather than the usual, smoothercurves of her flesh. Crow’s Feet I hadnever seen before were visible at the edges of her eyelids. She dressed in a simple sun dress made ofcotton with a high waist, ending mid-thigh. She had pristine white tennis shoes on her feet without socks. A thin, feminine looking watch rode looseupon her left arm, at the wrist, above the widening of her palm.

“Hi,” she said, meek. She crossed her legs as if she was apprehensive of approaching me,bobbing up and down on the tips of her toes.

This was definitely not the Katie I knew. I had yet to see her like this.

I decided to dispense with the bullshit. During a brisk walk forward, I dropped myschool shit on the floor. I came to herand gave her a big hug, slow and reassuring. I hoped.

“Hi yourself,” I mumbled in her ear as she returned myhug. Her arms hung limp against my backthough.

When we came apart a few moments later, I saw she hadtears in her eyes. Holy shit what the fuck had happened to her? I thought as I heldher back by the elbows. I looked herover to see if she had been injured in the car wreck, but she appeared woundfree to me.

“You ok?” I asked, feeling super lame, not sure what Icould do to assuage an ailment I couldn’t see. This was not the same overconfident, foul-mouthed Katie. The hard, gross girl with little care aboutwho she offended or what she said was not in evidence. This was not the strutting, flaunting upstartwho flounced custom and dared upset tradition. Something had reached her, punctured the steel-reinforce veneer she hadsurrounding her heart. Something had takena nice deep bite. This had to be a firstfor her, or so I deemed. She was rockedto the core, stunned by it. Even Icouldn’t deny what I was seeing. It wasplain from her body language, the way she moved, how she carried herself.

I had no idea of what to do about it. The situation stumped me.

“I’m fine,” she said after a time, “just a little wornout, I think. It’s been a tough coupleof days.” She broke free from my grip,but hesitated long enough to pat one of my hands before they fell away. She returned to my bed and sat upon its edge.

I felt more than a little guilty at having obsessedabout our little incident the year before. I hadn’t spent the time to think about all the shit she might be goingthrough in the present. I was the one fixated on that memory, nother. She was in a whole different place,thinking about whole different things. What an idiot I’d become.

“You’re ok, though, right? I mean no broken bones or anything likethat.” I tried to forge on, pushing aside what I’d been thinking onlyminutes before. Changing my train ofthought seemed the right thing to do.

She sniggered. “Only a bruised ego and a tear, here and there, to my self-esteem,” sherelied, somewhat plaintive. It was likeshe testing the hot water of her bath, one toe at a time. Her hands she stowed in her lap, pale legspeeking the hem of her dress.

“Wanna talk about it or something therapeutic likethat?” I queried; a mild attempt to light the mood.

“Naw, not right now, if you don’t mind. It’s all still too new. It surges through my mind every time I closemy eyes,” she replied almost at once. “Besides, I don’t want to cry all over again.” She added this with a quick glance at me. She turned her head to look over my shoulder,and out the window on the other side of the large room. Her eyes seemed a million miles away. She was lost.

The silence following was so thick, it almost made mechoke. I had to say something, anythingor I was going to lose it. I was goingto make things worse for her, because I was inept when it came to things likethis. “How did you guys get so far fromOklahoma with the travel restrictions?” I asked. It the stupidest thing coming to mind and, ofcourse, I had blurted it out like an idiot.

She glanced at me with a frown. Her eyes blinked, rapid. She held in the tears threatening to flow.

I could see her wrestle with my question, her thinlips twisted at one corner.

“It wasn’t all that bad until we got closer toCalifornia,” she began. “Once we gotclose to the border, there were cops and NIA troopers all over the place. They were the ones that ran the plates of thecar. The stupid, fucken troopers withtheir foreign accents, thinking they’re better than us. It’s not even their damned country to beginwith.” She clipped each syllable as shespoke, some of her usual attitude coming to the fore.

I nodded, grateful to see some of the old Katieback. The Northern IntercontinentalAlliance’s influence in the western portion of the United States had beengrowing over the course of the past year. To the point, many of us, living in this part of the country, had begunto rankle over their invasive tactics. Theyhad a way of looking down at us as if we were lab rats and nothing more.

I guessed then, it was because she was from the Midwestand didn’t know better. The conditions Iand my family were living, though oppressive to us, might seem downrightdraconian to her. The NIA was crackingdown on Muto Terrorism. What could we doabout it?

I glanced back at her and saw her fighting tears oncemore. “There’s nothing wrong withcrying, Kat. You know that, especiallyhere with someone who’s got your back,” I tried to explain. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to be toughor if she wanted to appear that way, so she could allow herself to break downlater. Or maybe she was afraid of thetroopers that had arrested her and her loser boyfriend. Maybe the realization of the act had justregistered.

Instead, she shook her head and met my eyes across thefive feet or so that separated. “I’venever cried in front of you, Eff. You’llthink I’m weak or something.”

This shocked me. “What are you talking about?”

“You and I have always been tough on each other,brutally truthful, never holding back any punches. We’ve always tried to make the otherunderstand the real world and how it worked. I don’t think I could handle you telling me how stupid I was for gettinginto that stolen car with a bunch of losers. I couldn’t bear hearing how much of a whore I am for getting myselfreally stoned, for waking up sticky from sex. Especially since I don't even remember what happened.”

I blinked.

She went on, “I can’t take that right now. I can’t, because I have become such a wasteof blood and bones. I couldn’t stand youthinking I was a bad person.” It hadcome out in a rush. She looked like adeflating balloon with every word escaping her haunted lips. Her eyes seemed wild and the tears threatenedagain. Her face flushed. She took a shuddering breath to calm herself,and only just succeeded.

I have to admit, I was a little unprepared for thewhole “sticky sex” part, but I set that aside, forcing my mind elsewhere. This was Katie here, before me. This was the girl who always challenged meand made me see things I never would’ve noticed on my own. It didn’t matter that she was a year youngerand lived in a backwater state. She knewmore of the world and how it worked, and knew exactly how dangerous a place itcould be. She deserved more out of lifethan what she born into. She didn’tdeserve her fucked up father and mother that was for sure. She was Katie, the girl who always had meguessing, never quite sure if she was going to scowl and cuss or smile andflirt. She had seen twice as much as Ihad and she was only sixteen years old!

“Since when have I everpassed judgment on you, Kat? That’s nothow we are, you know that. We’re bothfuck-ups. We do stupid shit all thetime. We take risks and live closer tothe edge. So, of course, when we make amistake it is going to pale in comparison to the next guy or girl, right? I mean a straight-A student ditching classand taking the risk of getting a ‘B’ is a big deal to that person. Whereas, you and I wouldn’t even consider ita risk to begin with - it’s below our radar.

“So what? Youran away from home. You got in a stolencar and the cops, I don’t know, scared you guys and drove you off theroad. But, it all started with onething. That one thing set you off and you had to get away, no matter thecost. That’s what drove the events thathappened later. Just focus on the onething that drove you, made you react. That’s the real problem, that’s the real thing you have to deal with, tothink about. All the other shit is justbullshit. So don’t think about it, it’snot important!” I moved closer to herand knelt on the floor before her. “Those other things don’t mean shit, Katie. Just learn from what you did and moveon. What else are you going to do? Waste your time mulling over stupid shit,trying to undo what can’t be undone? Don’twaste your time.”

She had smiled and let one tear fall from her lefteye.

I remember which one because it is the one that hasteared up the fastest when she has cried in front of me after that day in2018. I didn’t know that then, but theintensity of the moment has sort of burned the image in my brain. I can see it fall from the rim of her eyelid,cascading like melting ice down her cheek, to fall free and moisten her dressbelow.

Just like itwas yesterday…

[He isglad. The program is working to perfection.]

She and I must’ve breathed a few times, though I don’trecall doing so.

Without warning, she reached out and rubbed my baldhead. She squeezed it a few times beforeshe let her hand fall to my shoulder. Herfingers scratched ever so slight at the back of my ear.

It was as though a slew of feeling passed betweenus. In a heartbeat, there had been nopassage of time since we’d last seen each other. There was no longer some vast distancebetween us. In that moment, our knowingof one another rebooted and our knowledge of one another became complete.

“I was so glad my mother decided I should stay herefor a while, instead of hauling my ass back to Oklahoma. Now, I know why. Even when Chad had asked me where I wanted togo and I told him that I wanted to see the ocean. Deep, deep down inside, I meant I wanted tosee you. Though I didn’t know it at thetime, I know it now. You are my ocean,Estefan. You are where I can hide all thehorrible things I’ve done. You hide themaway for me and keep them secret from the rest of the world. I am so lucky to have someone like you in mylife, even though we live far away from each other. We don’t text or Facebook, or call oneanother, like we did in the old days.

“Still, I know, I can count on you and you will be onmy side. Even if, I’m dead wrong, like Iwas in this case, you will still defend me. You consistently show me there’s still honor in the world, even now,even when this world of ours is about to fall apart.” She sighed, huge, but it was one offatigue. It didn’t harbor anyself-loathing or any other negative connotation.

I’d looked up at her, right into those hazeleyes. I saw again how she lookedhaggard, pinched by exhaustion. “Youneed some rest before we eat dinner,” I mentioned, watching as her shouldersslumped.

She let her spine curve, letting her body gocompletely limp. “Yeah,” was all shesaid.

“You wanna nap here or over there in your bed? It’s brand new, you know. My mom bought you some new sheets and a wholenew comforter set,” I explained. Iglanced over at the floral blankets my mother had purchased for the girl.

She never even looked at the other bed. “Here, where I can smell you,” shereplied. She scooted herself furtheronto the bed, grabbed one of my pillows and turned on her side still watchingme through a squint.

“You want me to read to you? You know how that always makes you go tosleep in like ten minutes,” I offered. For some reason, the monotonous tones of someone reading aloud alwaysdrove her to dreaming faster than any pill or quantity of liquor.

“That would be perfect,” she mumbled, unmoving.

I stood up and retrieved the school shit I had strewnabout the floor. I placed it all on mydesk, and then pulled the book I was reading from my backpack. I turned back toward the bed, book in hand. I stopped in my tracks.

Katie had fallen into the sleep of the dead.