The Second Hand Man
August 14th, 2001

Tallis arrived twenty minutes later than arranged. The bastard isenjoying having me sweat.

“Take a seat,” I said waving an arm up the stairs leading to my frontdoor. “I believe you already know your way about the place.”

He took the stairs two at a time. Inside, he sank himself into my large,black-leather sofa.

I normally offer my guests a drink, but declined to extend thatinvitation to him – whisky is fatal to worms!

I did however manage to refrain from getting straight to the business athand. Instead, I politely inquired, “How’s your big-city wife?”

“Vanessa? We’ve been divorced now about eight years already.”

“I thought her name was Karen?”

“Oh, that was my first wife. Had two more after her. They all screwed mefor what they could get. Karen left me soon after the Marta Marnowijkincident.”

“I never knew that?”

“Yep, said that the embarrassment was more than she could handle.”

“So, have you learned your lesson yet? I warned you about women.”

“And so, you did! I even had the fortune to read about it again. Thosediaries of yours are practically filled with that special Crane wisdom andphilosophy. I loved the bit about the short and curlies.”

It was he who had chosen to raise the subject, so I asked, “How did youdo it? How did you know?”

“I didn’t. I was just hoping to replace something; something…incriminating.I just never imagined it would be…that! Wow!”

“Whatever made you think I was in possession of something incriminating?”

“I once told you that I’d be keeping an eye on you. In fact, it wasn’tall that difficult since you kept popping up rather frequently in a lot of thetabloids and magazines.

It was only after my third divorce that I decided to do a little moreserious digging.”

“You’ve been on my case for eight years already?”

“Even longer, considering! Hey, you know what they say? ‘All good thingscome to those who wait.’”

“Yeah, what good things are you expecting?”

“We’ll get to that later. As I was saying, ‘I decided to do a little moreserious digging.’ Turns out you made some interesting investments along the wayto making your vast fortune and establishing the Crane Global Visions Empire.

“Either you were very talented or just plain lucky. Your first big breakcame when you were only twenty one. At age eighteen you managed to convinceyour mother to use your entire educational fund to purchase some apparentlyworthless property in the middle of nowhere, and over a mile from the ValleyRiver. Who would have imagined that less than two years later some propertydeveloper would think of damming up the river to create a lakeside retirementvillage? And who would have thought that your property would stretch so faralong the lake front. Just luck? Maybe? Maybe not? So after doing some moredigging, I suddenly started realizing that your whole life has been filled withsimilar incidents of incredible financial gain.

“Once again, I asked myself – just luck? I think not. So I decided tokeep an even closer eye on you than before. Hell, you were even accused, andacquitted on two occasions of Insider Trading. Sure you haven’t shown any greatwindfalls in quite some time, but I’m guessing you got scared of the attentionyou thought you were attracting.

“Well, guess what? You were darn right about that! But as you mentioned,Crane Global Visions is doing well enough to totally leave all those luckydeals alone for good. And you are not a greedy man. Well, shit, I could certainlyhave used those lottery numbers. If I had, we wouldn’t be having this littleconversation right now.”

“How did you bypass my security system and crack the safe soeffortlessly.”

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask. What did you think of my calling card?”

“Very subtle,” I sneered sarcastically. “Took me a week to figure out itwas from you.”

“Hah, had that little baby with me for years. I had Janice print me aduplicate. It’s been my favorite bookmark.”

“What? Did my youthful features give you a hard-on?”

“Ever heard the expression that, ‘It takes a criminal to catch one?’”

“Is that why you managed to catch Du Maille? Because you were bothperverted pedophiles?”

He ignored the accusation and said, “In my line of work...” Then hepaused momentarily before saying, “Oh, by the way, I left the force shortlyafter my third divorce. It meant losing a nice fat pension in the long run, butI figured I could do a lot better on my own in the short.” He reached into hiscoat pocket and handed me his business card.

I read it aloud, “‘Tallis Investigative Consultants.’ What? You thinkyou’re Sherlock Holmes with that photographic memory of yours? A consultingdetective by any name is still a dick. And you’re the biggest one I know.” Ilooked at the card again. “Consultants.” I stressed the s.

“I got…had a few people working for me. Also, the plural soundsmore…professional.”

“Had?”

“I guess we all had a romantic notion of what we were going to be doing.Solving great cases like…Sherlock Holmes, yes. Instead…” He pauseddespondently.

“Instead?”

“After following around your hundredth person accused of infidelity by ajealous spouse, you start to realize that it ain’t never gonna happen.”

“What a shame.”

“Yeah, it was. Anyway, by the time the others decided to leave, it was awelcome decision. I was pretty much frustrated and down on my luck.”

“So you decided to try some of my luck instead?”

“Bingo! So, as I was trying to tell you earlier, ‘It takes a criminal tocatch one.’ Not to be taken literally of course. It basically means you gottaput yourself in the criminal’s shoes – try to think like him, if you will.”

“Go on.”

“Well, in my line of work I’ve also met a lot of people with a lot ofskills. Not the sort of skills that most honest-hearted citizens would beinterested in possessing, but something that a…dick could put to very gooduse.”

“Like breaking and entering?”

“Bingo! It was child’s play to immobilize your entire security system.The stuff you’ve installed might seem very sophisticated to theman-in-the-street, but to be honest, it’s really very basic equipment. I don’tknow what you paid, but I’d sue their arses off if I was you?” He laughedbefore continuing. “The safe was even easier. I could have locked it and thefront door again if I’d wanted to, but I wanted you to know right away on yourreturning home that the game was afoot. You must admit that the calling cardwas a nice touch though?”

“Yeah, like a shot of strychnine straight into the brain.”

“That reminds me. That wasn’t a very nice thing you did to Freddy Harris- putting rat poison on your sandwiches. I was at the hospital that afternoon.It was touch and go. The one thing that saved his life was that he had managedto throw up most of it. Did you know that rats are unable to vomit?”

“I guess that means you can’t puke, Tallis? So, what’s it gonna cost meto shut you up and get the diaries back?”

“Ah, yes, the diaries!” He blew out a gust of air. “Hoo-whee! I kindafigured with all that luck you had that you must be keeping some sort of bigsecret. I even deduced that you might have some sort of system or formula. Nottoo unlike counting cards at a Vegas blackjack table. I was hoping for somesecret; a little dirty laundry; something that I would be able to use as alever, but I would never have imagined it to be what I found. Not that! Not ina million years!”

“I asked, ‘How much?’”

“I had figured out that if you were hiding something, and if thatsomething was so big that Cornelius Crane needed to keep it secret from therest of the world, something so dark or profound that he would be too wary ofeven placing it into a safety deposit box or someplace secure at GlobalVisions, then where would he keep it? Where would he think it would be safest?The most obvious choice would be in his great big luxury mansion on the hillwhere no one would be able to enter without his security devices callingattention to the intruder. Yes, inside a strongbox inside your mansion would bethe safest place on earth. Or so you thought. In fact, had you chosen to placeyour stuff in the aforementioned places, it would have made it impossible forme to get my hands on it. So, your false sense of security has led to yourundoing.”

“Undoing?”

“You’re right, that word is much too strong. Let us say, your injury, andjust a minor one at that. I wouldn’t want to bite off the hand that feeds…”

“How much?”

“‘You are obviouslya person of substantial wealth, and I am not a greedy man. A mere one milliondollars is all I require to guarantee my continued silence.’”

Once again he had chosen to taunt me with the words from the letter I hadwritten to Du Maille. Only this time the three thousand had become a whoppinggreat big million.

I removed the 9mm Baretta from the top drawer in the desk next to thesofa and leveled it between his eyes.

“Nobody’s gonna miss one more stinking vermin. How about I blow yourbrains out right now and dispose of your remains in a tub of acid? No problemfor the CEO of a big R&D plant.”

“Put that away. We both know you don’t have the guts to shoot a man inthe face. You don’t have that…killer instinct.”

“Yeah? Are you so sure of yourself?” He was incredibly calm looking downthe barrel. His cool composure actually causing me to be the anxious one. Ifelt a bead of perspiration creeping along my left cheek. “Well, if you’ve readthe diaries then you should know that it was I who put that can of bees ontoMarnowijk’s shelf?”

“That was different.”

“Was it?”

“Of course, and you know it too. Hell, after reading the other stuffabout him, I would have done it too. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had beenscrewing her too? He certainly fitted the profile.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, the man was a fucking monster.”

“And I’m not?”

“Come on, the man got what he deserved, and we both know it. Just likeJoaq Du Maille. Stop acting like an idiot and put that thing away. Hey, Ithought we were friends. I kept your sorry arse out of juvie, remember?”

“Yeah, for a price.”

“What, you’re still angry over the four hundred dollars? It was nothing!”

“How about one million dollars? Is that also nothing?”

“Yeah, to somebody like you it is. Everybody knows that Global’s amultibillion…”

“So, you think that means I got millions lying around that I can justthrow about like rice at a wedding. You think I go around…”

“Yeah, I do. You were paying for $500 hookers.”

“That was in my first life. That was…”

“That makes no difference. Maybe I’d also like to know what it feels liketo fuck $500.”

“Fuck you, Tallis. It’s not so much about the money that’s upsetting.”

“Then what?”

“I think I know now what a woman who’s been raped feels like. You’ve beenwhere no person was allowed to go…supposed to go. You screwed me! When you tookthose diaries and read about my personal life it was the same as ifyou’d…you’d… Now you know everything about me. I feel naked and I feelviolated.”

“Don’t you know what they say about a true friend?”

“What?”

“‘A true friend is somebody who knows everything about you, but stillloves you.’ And hey, I still love you! That reminds me, I’m missing this year’sdiary. I’m guessing you probably had it along with you on your little businesstrip to LA when I came a visiting? Would you mind if I had a look through it? Ireally enjoy your style. You could have been a great writer.”

If I had ever come close to pulling the trigger it was then. But Imanaged to restrain myself and said, “Fine! I need a drink.” I replaced therevolver and ambled over to the large mahogany drink cabinet.

“What?”

“I’ll get you your money.” I held up the bottle of whisky. “Join me?”

“You gonna poison me too?”

“Yeah, I specially keep a bottle for all the blackmailers and rapiststhat come calling.”

He smiled and said, “With soda if you got, otherwise water is fine. Noice.” I handed him his drink and sat down. I had anticipated his next question.“That was a quick change of…”

“Let’s just say that I’m man enough to know when the board is stackedagainst me, but also that although you play dirty, experience has shown thatyou are a man of your word.”

“I salute your powers of deduction,” he said raising his glass.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I know someone with whom you’d get on verywell.”

“Oh?”

“My girlfriend.”

“You got a girlfriend?”

“Is that surprising?”

“Uh, sort of.”

“Yep, I’m gonna ask her to marry me next month. I’m planning on doing iton a business trip to New York.”

“That’s great. I’m happy for you! Really I am! I’ve never been to NewYork, myself. Always wanted to, just never seemed to get the chance. Hey, I’mreally happy for you. Does she know that you’ve been neutered?”

“What?” In a moment of stupidity I almost asked how he knew about myvasectomy. Instead, I managed to come back with, “Oh, we’ve both agreed that wedon’t want kids.”

“Yeah? Well some women will tell you that, but later when…”

I interrupted him by saying, “I won’t be able to get all your money at oncewithout drawing unnecessary attention. And that is something we both don’twant.” He nodded slowly. “I guess a check’s also out of the question.” Helaughed and shook his head. I galloped my fingers on the side of my glass inthought. Then I downed half the contents before saying, “Okay, I tell you whatwe’ll do.”

“I’m all ears!”

“It’s gonna take awhile to get that much money together. I’ll have todraw small amounts from different accounts over a long period.”

“How long?”

“I was thinking about a month.”

“I can live with that.”

“Good! Then I was thinking we could make the exchange in New York.”

“Why there?”

“No local prying eyes around, and it’ll give you an opportunity to dowhat you’ve always wanted.”

“Sounds like a splendid idea.”

“What’s more, you’ll have enough cash to paint the town red; two coatsworth. And you can take my word for it when I tell you that the $500 hookers inNew York are the best.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah!”

“What date are we looking at?”

“I haven’t finalized my arrangements yet, but it should be around thesecond week in September. I’ll know by the 1st. Give me a call then.”

He finished his drink and stood up. “Well, I guess that concludes ourbusiness for now.” He held out a hand. “See you next month in New York City.”

“Not quite.”

“What? Oh, the diaries? How stupid of me.” I nodded and he said, “Ofcourse. That’s easy! I’ll put them in a locker at the airport. You get the keywhen I get the money.”

“Fair enough.”

“Of course! I’m a man of my word, remember?”

“There’s something puzzling me?”

“What?”

“How come you want money when I could give you something far better?”

“What?”

“Most other people would have asked for a second chance. I thought youwould have jumped at the opportunity for immortality?”

“Nah, one life is enough for me thanks. Besides I could never trust you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, once you have me strapped down on that Consciousness Projectorthingamabob of yours, I bet you could probably screw up my brain real good ifyou wanted to? I’m not gonna be your guinea pig. Especially now that SteveFerran’s out of the picture. I won’t have you making a monkey’s uncle out me. Imean literally. Who knows who or what I could end up inside of? No thank youvery much!”

“Damn!” I said smiling. “So much for Plan B.”

“Yeah, what’s Plan A?”

“Pay the bastard and be done with!” For the first time we both laughedtogether. Then he handed me a small metallic object. “What’s this?”

“A little something else I took the liberty of removing the last time Iwas here.”

“Yeah, what is it?”

“The firing pin from that pistol of yours.”

We both laughed again.