The Secret Island
Chapter 81: The Question

The sound of someone else's breathing other than his own was the first sound Martin heard upon waking up. Drowsily opened his eyes in the dim-lit room, and then there was this touch from someone who was hugging him tightly.

Celine...

When did you come into my room...?

He stared her sleepy face for a long time, her thick eyelashes, her elegant nose, and her well-formed lips. Martin knew full well that he had disappointed her time and again. Although she was the person he loved more than life itself. He loved her so much that he never thought he could love anyone this much.

He loved her too much that he thought he was not supposed to love her once he looked back at himself.

Because no matter how much he lied to himself that things might get better, he could not love himself as he used to. He couldn't love himself as he did before everything turned into shreds.

All the insults still echoed in his head. No matter how many years had passed, those words were not completely gone. Especially recently, all the rejections that he received were proof that no matter how much time had passed, nothing had changed, nothing improved, those wounds were still with him, and they will be until the day he died.

Celine was still asleep. She probably had seen the condition of his messy room. And she will soon wake up with questions.

Martin reached over to brush a strand of hair across her cheek, but his hand froze midway as the words echoed in his head, saying that...he didn't have the right to touch her.

He was not worthy of the cheerfulness, the goodness, the love that she gave him.

He was afraid... He was afraid that he couldn't give her the love she wanted. He was afraid he couldn't be a good lover. He was afraid that Celine would wake up one day and regret being with him. And the worst fear he had was that he was afraid to hear all the negativity and cursing he had heard from so many people. He was afraid he would hear those terrible words from Celine's pretty lips.

What a coward he was...

A pitiful coward...

"1

He slowly rose from the bed without waking Celine. She was still sleeping soundly. Yesterday, when he came back from another interview, his headache was so ridiculously painful and helpless that he had to take sleeping pills. He just hoped that if he closed his eyes, those bad memories wouldn't attack him again. And he just hoped that when he woke up, the new day would probably be brighter than before. But well, it was unexpected that today, his loved one was lying nearby. Still, the black mist of memories that hovered over him never left.

He thought he was getting better, but he was wrong...

He might be just fooling himself...

He looked at Celine's sleeping face again. He moved the blanket to cover her shoulder. The weather was too cold today. And when he thought about what he had to explain to her, he sighed and went to take a shower.

****

That morning, Celine woke up and walked out to replace him bending down to pick up the shreds of papers and books he had thrown around out of anger the day earlier. Her eyes were unreadable. He didn't know what to tell her.

He knew he should say something in a situation like this. His two hands were still holding the mess he picked up. He opened his mouth to say something. But she stopped it all by walking straight to him and hugging him tightly. "Are you alright?"

Once he heard her concerning voice, his hands weakened, and he dropped everything he was holding. Martin didn't know what to say. Her gentleness was what he secretly longed for at a time like this. All he did was hold her back.

"No matter what happened, I'll always be here, and everything will be better, so... I hope you are feeling ok."

"Martin...."

"I'm sorry..."

"You are sorry for what?"

And he was silent again. He didn't know what to say when she was this kind...

"Why don't you say anything? You already promised me that you would tell me if anything was wrong. You promised! You promised me that you wouldn't keep things to yourself. Why didn't you do that?" Because Celine didn't understand what was going on, her tears welled up.

"Hmm...I simply couldn't do that."

"Why?" He faltered for a moment, but that serious gaze forced him to answer.

A simple question that was so hard for him...but then he decided to tell her the truth.

"... because I don't want to upset you, Celine." He forced a smile again and reached out to wipe away her tears.

"See... I didn't want you to cry...as you are now."

Celine was sad to know he was sad. And a sensitive person such as himself couldn't help but feel hollow inside. But... he didn't really want to see her cry. He didn't want to see Celine sad and crying helplessly like this... "Martin, please, I'm begging you. If there is anything you can share, please tell me...." She asked him in a trembling voice. And tears began to run down her cheeks.

"Please tell me... don't carry all the problems by yourself. Please don't do this...."

She was within his embrace, and now that we were together, Martin asked her the question he always wanted to know.

"Celine... will you still love me if... if one day... I'm no longer capable of anything, and nothing is outstanding, nothing is accomplished, nothing I do could outcompete anyone...." The woman in his embrace looked up to meet his eyes. Her eyes were filled with tears. Her confusing gaze pained him and raised more questions.

"If one day, when I'm older, that day... one day in the future... what if I don't accomplish anything and all I have is just those painful memories...."

Martin paused. He was afraid of the answer, but if he was to reveal his soul. If he was to tell her about his past wounds and everything he had been through, he wanted to know the answer because it was an important question for him. The question that influences his feelings more than any other question.

"...One day... the day that I might be just this... this failure of a man... Will you still love me?"