Waves
Chapter 9 Who Am I?

The tiger was comforting, and for that I was grateful, but I still had things to work through. The cry helped too, I hadn’t cried in a long, long time and it felt good to just let it out. It was time, though, to get back to the task at hand. Finnegan said that my emotions had expanded beyond my ability to harness them, and that was why I got disproportionately angry. I felt better now, in more control. I didn’t anticipate any more outbursts. I felt like myself again, oh perhaps not my last week self, but my hour ago self, which is exactly where I wanted to be.

Where was the ball, or more accurately stated, where was the ploncedite? That was my first order of business. I knew that Finnegan would not leave me stranded. What I needed to proceed with my task was within my grasp. Oh maybe not within my grasp physically at this moment, but somehow I had the tools I needed. I knew what I had to do, first replace the ball, then take it to the gliderport to apply the power to someone whose life hangs in the balance. And along the way, avoid being killed, sounded easy enough.

I sat and thought for a few minutes. Finnegan was in no hurry, he just let the timing flow, so I took my lead from him. I stayed parked on this bench and processed my situation. Here I was in the back courtyard of the art museum. Why? Finnegan could have told me what he told me anywhere, but he chose here. I had to continue with that logic, it made sense. He chose to walk and he knew exactly where he was going. It wasn’t just a whimsical stroll, to get fresh air. My mom would always tell my sister and me to go outside to get fresh air. But this was not that, he was purposeful in his chosen path. He brought me here, so here is where I will stay, at least for the time being.

Maybe the ball is neatly hidden in one of the flower beds here. Come on, it isn’t an Easter egg hunt. There was a reason that he didn’t just give it back to me. It’s not like he forgot, this was all part of his plan. That is what I needed to focus on. The next phase, that is what Finnegan said to me, the next phase.

Just then, one of the modern art sculptures, a twisty red piece of iron, firmly planted in the ground, started moving on its own. The metal twisted and changed in a completely unnatural way. I wasn’t scared, not anymore. I was fascinated as it changed shape into something almost resembling a being. Then it spoke, but not directed at me. What was the point of this apparition if I didn’t gain direction or new wisdom? Instead I was a bystander. I was not sure who or what it was speaking to, and I absolutely didn’t understand what it was saying. The language was not English, not even close. The sounds were otherworldly, not the sounds that a human mouth and tongue can make. But at the same time there was a cadence to it, so much so that I could tell it was a language with an intended communication. It was speaking, that much was sure.

So I examined this new shape and listened intently at this new language. Maybe I could ascertain something that could help me. Maybe there was a coded message. I slid a little closer. Maybe in my new enhanced state, even without the ploncedite, I could decipher this language. The sculpture twisted some more and continued making these most unusual sounds. Maybe I could communicate back. Maybe I could ask it if I am ready to go, or ask where the red ball is. But as I got closer still, physically and mentally, I was rebuffed. I could feel the hostility and hear the tone. I was pushed away by an unseen force. Me? I thought. Pushed away? Didn’t they know who I was? This whole thing was about me! I was the human, they were the objects! I had the task, I’m going to save a life and they rebuffed me? Now I was getting mad. How dare they!

So I forced my way closer to this hideous piece of art. Who could call this thing art anyway? It was the ugliest thing I ever saw. I reached out to grab that metal being, whatever it calls itself, but I was rebuffed again, this time even more rudely than the first. What was going on? Then I stopped and realized something, something I have always known. Of course I was pushed back. I’m a loser. I have always been a loser and I will always be a loser.

And here I thought I was such a big man. I actually thought that I could perform this act of heroism. What a fool. I’m adopted! My parents didn’t even want me! And I know that my dad is disappointed in me, ashamed that he adopted a non-athletic son. I’m nothing. If I had died at that spaceship house, no one would have even noticed, I wouldn’t be missed. And I could just imagine Chrysta and Hannah laughing at me as they scampered away, giggling to each other about the stupid boy who thought he was being flirted with. What a joke.

Just then, the elephant started charging me. I was on the plain again. Here he came, at full gallop, his eyes staring me down, his tusks protruding. He pounded the earth and snorted as he barreled toward me. I stood there, motionless, frozen with fear. Here he came! Really close now! Bang! I was trampled and smashed to bits - dead.

Wake up. I was in the museum courtyard again. Everything was back to normal. Wow, what happened, I thought to myself, while breathing heavy. I guess I’m still kinda on edge. And I thought that my emotions had been reigned in, apparently not. The next phase, yes, I got it now, the next phase - learning how to control these newly enhanced emotions. This is something I never really had to deal with before, well I sure do now. So what do I do? Do I become emotionless like Finnegan? I didn’t think so. Emotions have value. I had an intuitive sense about Derek and I was right. There are times when feelings are necessary. But uncontrolled, wild emotions can be my undoing.

It’s funny how some things seem so natural while you’re in the middle of them yet so unnatural only a minute later. I was still rattled by my emotions but intellectually I could see things clearer. At the time my anger seemed justified and so did my self-pity. A minute later it was embarrassing. Good thing I was alone. I walked up and down the twisty paths and looked at some other pieces of modern art. They weren’t ugly at all, quite the contrary, some were quite interesting. Even the red one was nice. I looked out at the beautiful ocean and took a few deep breaths. I think I was settling in.

Just then, a museum worker came out of the building and spoke to me.

“Can I see your ticket?” he asked.

“I don’t have a ticket.”

He started to smile as he talked, “so you just came in through the back door and thought that was okay?” he started laughing at me and mocking me, “I think I’ll just trespass on private property today,” his laughter increased, “Yea that’s it. No one will mind. And after that I think I’ll steal some money and food too. Look at me, there’s an iron gate, I think I’ll go through.”

Three more workers arrived. All four of them were laughing at me and imitating the way I looked and talked and pantomiming me as a lost idiot who didn’t know where he was. They were having great sport at my expense.

“Shut up! Just shut up! You have no idea what I have been through today.” I screamed at them. “More than any of you will probably experience in a lifetime. I was attacked by crabs…”

That last comment made them laugh even louder.

“Stop laughing! You couldn’t do what I have done!” I yelled.

They laughed harder for a few moments then… they were gone. They were never there in the first place. Their disappearance did not settle me down immediately. I was still so hyped I had to walk to try and shake this off. It seemed like these new emotions were like a huge ship. You can turn the wheel, but the ship keeps going straight for awhile. There is a momentum to overcome and a delay in turning the vessel around.

That’s how it was for me. No one was laughing at me anymore. Oh I still didn’t know if this latest vision was placed there by an outside force as a test or conjured up by my brain. But it didn’t matter, the truth was, it was gone and yet I still felt rattled. I walked up and down the short path, trying to get things right. How was I ever going to deliver this healing elixir, amidst angry killers if I give in to my hysteria so? I really needed to think this through. There has to be an answer. Just look at it logically, I said to myself, would Finnegan leave me here on this island just to fail? I didn’t think so. There were answers.

I needed to walk farther than this short little path in this back courtyard. I went over to the iron gate but it wouldn’t open. It wasn’t locked, I could turn the handle just fine. I could see the little bolt move out of the way. It wasn’t rusted shut, we came through there only a few minutes ago. So I pulled and pushed harder and harder. The thing would not budge. I felt my fury building again. At least I recognized it this time. There was absolutely no reason that this door shouldn’t open. There was a force keeping it closed. I was trapped, like a rat.

I started pacing on the path, looking around frantically. Back and forth I went, occasionally re-trying the door while I passed, to no avail. I’ll just climb over the wall, I thought to myself. I have experience with that now. But the wall would not let me close enough. Panic started creeping in. My pacing became angrier. I was trying my hardest to right myself. A war was raging in my head. Then I had a thought. The answer wasn’t suppressing these powerful new emotions but rather learning to channel them. Channel that emotional energy into replaceing a solution or at least resolution.

That was easier said than done though. The metal ornament started twisting itself again. I kept seeing the elephant in my peripheral vision, but when I snapped my head I could never see him. He was there though. A rumbling sound started, like I was underneath a jet engine. The red art started its unnatural speaking, adding to my cacophony. And through it all, I could hear the faint sound of insane laughter.

The elephant! There it is! Gone again. Louder noise, building, building, I’m trapped. The path was slippery now, I couldn’t get any traction. I tried and tried but could not get any closer to the door. Louder still. A pressure started pushing down on me. I pushed back, or else I would be crushed. I no longer could stand upright. Down I went, slumping over as the pressure and sounds were killing me.

I could see the elephant clearer now, he was coming. The red piece of art was growing out of control. I could barely stand, the pressure was so great. The sounds were overwhelming my ears.

All of this was one thing, I realized, energy. I needed to stop trying to fight the energy but rather embrace it. Somehow, someway I needed to spin the energy to my side. I couldn’t win by fighting it, and joining it would be disastrous, but I could win by harnessing this energy so it joined me. That was the trick.

So I relaxed, it was seemingly counterproductive but that is exactly what I did. I relaxed and listened and got to know the energy. There was a familiarity to it, and there should be, it was me. So I started feeling it in a different way, I let it flow through me instead of on me. I was gaining control and understanding. It was making sense finally. The pressure was still there but at least it hadn’t gotten any worse. My inclination, however, was still to fight against the energy but I resisted that. I fed off of it and it fed off of me. It took all of my willpower to continue this tactic, but I kept going. It was turning, I could sense it. It was working. The energy was just as strong but it was now a tailwind and no longer a headwind.

The pressure started lifting. I recognized things as they really were and as they were not. The sounds were lessening, I was upright again. I wasn’t loser, I was me, I had value. The elephant was gone. Suddenly, everything reverted to normal. Just like that. Boom. Quiet, peaceful, in the courtyard. I felt better than I had in years. I felt strong with renewed purpose and guess what, the door was wide open.