What I Should’ve Said
Chapter 44

Saturday, September 25th

Norah

Last night was the first night in ten nights that Clay hasn’t called me to come pick up Bennett from the bar, which means it’s the first night in ten nights I haven’t heard him tell me he loves me.

While I’m hopeful this means he’s on the way out of his grief-filled stupor and headed toward replaceing a way to move on, I have to admit, I’m still going to miss the sound of his drunken confessions.

And since he’s still leaving my texts and calls unanswered, I have no idea if he remembers me coming to his studio that one night. I probably should regret doing that, but I don’t. I don’t regret anything when it comes to Bennett.

Finished walking, I set out the pink blanket I brought with care, making sure I don’t mess up the flowers on either side of Summer’s headstone. Once the blanket is in place, I lie down on my back, just to the side of the center, adjust the pink sunglasses on my face, and imagine for the fifth time in the last week that Summer is lying next to me.

As I look up at the sky, the sun moves behind a small cloud, and its rays shoot out from the sides in what looks like a halo. I smile, tears stinging my nose at the overwhelming sense that this is divine timing.

“Hey, Sum,” I greet softly, rubbing at the empty blanket next to me with a mindless hand. “I’ve got good news about your dad. I think, maybe, he’s getting it together.”

I pause briefly to put a hand to my upset stomach and lift the other to my mouth as an overwhelming sense of sickness threatens to make its way up and out. It takes a minute of lying absolutely still, but eventually, it passes, and I go back to chatting.

“I haven’t been feeling the best, but I think it’s just one of those bugs you get when you’re run-down, you know? I haven’t been sleeping all that well, and Josie says it seems like my appetite is off too.” I let out a huff of laughter. “But I don’t know. I’m sure it’ll all settle soon.”

I roll over to my side so that I can trace the letters of her name on her headstone. “We all miss you around here, but I hope you’re having fun and making friends. I’ve been keeping up with all your dad’s social media and emails and stuff, but I’m really missing the studio time too. I don’t know when he’ll feel up to painting again, especially without you there, but I’m hoping I’ll be invited.”

Strategically, I think for a minute, pondering what else from my life I can share with her while I’m here. The more I’ve been coming here, the more I replace myself telling her everything. Even the things a seven-year-old might not fully grasp. But Summer was wise beyond her years, and there’s a part of me that feels like she understands.

“Oh yeah,” I whisper when more updates filter into my mind. “I also talked to Breezy the other day, and she told me it seems like Thomas and my mom are going to be in really big trouble. I guess there’re a lot of things you can get away with paying someone off for, but that, combined with what they found on the USB drive I got from Alexis, is pretty creepy in a criminal way.”

I shake my head. “I can’t believe I was engaged to marry someone like that. That I didn’t see it. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so clueless. But most of the time, I don’t. I’m getting better, you know. Apologizing less. I think your dad will be proud of how far I’ve come when he’s ready to come back to the land of the living.”

I smile. “I can’t freaking believe it’s been over three weeks of knowing I’m in love with—”

I sit up straight so quickly, my head spins a little, but I don’t bother giving it a moment before I try to finish the math. This is too important to pause for nausea.

Over three weeks. Over three whole weeks since the first time we made love was at least two weeks after my period, which means it’s been five-plus weeks since Lady Flow has shown herself. A whole week longer than my very regular normal cycle.

My stomach roils again, and just like that, the gravity of the fact that we didn’t use a condom—twice—hits me square in the nose. Both times, I didn’t even consider it.

Holy shit.

Shaking hands cover my mouth as I turn to Summer’s headstone once more and beg her for a sign. A signal that I’m not crazy and a reason to believe—something to tell me that she’s there, that she’s watching, and that this isn’t the kind of thing that’ll put her father right into an early grave.

“Please, Summer,” I beg. “Show me something, anything, that means this is going to be okay.”

With timing so perfect it feels summoned, a leaf hits me in the face, bright green in its entirety except for seven bright pink spots. It’s too early for the leaves to fall, and it’s too rare for a leaf in the middle of making its change to be so green and pink at the same time.

This sweet little leaf has to be Summer.

I tuck it close to my cheek and breathe it in as emotion overtakes me. I know the next step is a test, and I know, in my heart, I can’t do it alone.

Packing up slowly, I say my temporary goodbyes to Summer’s headstone and head for CAFFEINE to replace my sister.

This isn’t the kind of thing you do alone if you don’t have to.

This is the kind of thing you do with the people you love. People are the only important thing in our lives. Summer taught me that.