Wild West of the Heart
TWENTY-SIX

"Hating your body?"Ola echoed.

"For as long as i remember. There was always something, my elbows or my ankles. And my height. And my hair and the way i was fat" He said. "

"Always one reason to hate myself. I was just never comfortable growing up. But then one day, i saw something online about transitioning, and i spoke to Mira. She told me how she might have always wanted that for herself but how she never got the chance to. She understood, and she encouraged me, way too much. Especially for the months before i started my estrogen. She was there for all of it, till now" Ola looked to him.

"Asking me every single day if i sure this was what i wanted. And then, i always replied quick with the yes. Because i thought i was sure. I deeply thought it was the one thing i was sure about so i went it, dived in head first—" "But now, i don't know what changed. But each time i stare at that syringe, it's like i'm not sure anymore. Not about anything" Obi whispered.

"Does she know?"

"Mira?" Escaped from his lips and Ola nodded.

"Of course not. That i stopped? No" He replied.

"The past few days, i checked of the negative sides of this therapy like shit like diabetes and stroke. Just a shameless attempt to convince myself that i was wrong. That i didn't want this" Obi added.

"The world" Ola interrupted. "The world is what is convincing you, Obi. I think you're scared"

"Some part of you is scared because of what happened to Jazz" His voice went up in the air and Obi was carried away in the stars above him.

"It's not just her. It's all the trans women that are treated exactly the same way. The whole community" He replied. "We live in a time where people are scared of change. Of seeing something different but it isn't always going to be that way" "The times are changing as well" Ola said. "But it's not just that, you know. It's not just Jazz" There was a crack in his voice as he turned to the side. "Now when i ask myself, what is the goal"

"I realize i don't want to be female. I mean it's just as limiting as being male. It's the thing about labels, and it's why i hate them" He continued and a scoff escaped Ola's lips. "We need labels"

"It helps with identity i think"

"It's a construct" Obi argued. "When i look at myself the more, i realize i don't want to be both. I want somewhere in the middle" He continued. "So, you wanted to be female?"

"It was a plan. But i'm not sure anymore, the more i think about it, the more stuck i feel" Obi said, using his nail to draw something in the sands. "What do you want, Obi?"

"I dont know what i want. I don't know what i'm trying to be. And then the changes like the texture of my skin and my structure. It was all so fast and it felt like i was losing my sense of control" He said. "You know?" He added and Ola hummed, trying to make it out in his head. "I don't"

"I do"

"And for the first i do" Obi whispered again, but to himself this time. "So what pronouns do you use?" Ola asked. And he turned to face him.

They were so close that their breathes collided in the air. "What?" Obi threw him a question back.

"Back in Texas, i had some friends that were also "

"Transitioning?" Obi added and he nodded. "Yes"

"It was always from he to she, or she to him. Or the M to F box in all those forms. That's the point, yes?" Ola watched his words, so he doesn't come out as offensive. It was why he kept that questioning tone with each statement. The truth was, they were both still learning.

It was why Obi didn't even know what pronouns were. It was the 2000s, it wasn't much of a big deal, especially in Nigeria. "Okay, I'm still M, i guess" There were pauses between each word.

Like he was still processing some thought and then he blurted out. "You know what, fuck it. It's the fucking labels. Always trying to force everyone in a fucking box. Like, why be one thing? Why is the entirety of our beings limited to just a single alphabet? M, N. Fucking F❞

He was outraged, and with the sense he made, it was also kind of hilarious. The way he had his face all scrunched up, passionately yelling in the air.

The sound of the waters was like a blissful background tone to them as Ola chuckled slightly.

He pulled away, looking into the air, his backs against the sands. The sun had completely gone down and the moon was out. "You know time has already gone" He said, after Obi's outcry which took more than a few minutes. "Yeah" He smiled. One of pride, actually. He'd managed to make him stay out till eight pm. And he finally had the conversation with him, and he didn't have to think about Mary or any other thing wrong at that time.

They were just two best friends, at the Lagoon, having conversations revolving around life, and identity and in his words, fucking labels and it's detriment to society. If he could convince Ola to write a book in the future, it would be about that. "So, what else did i miss?"

Obi sighed now, one of relief. The kind that happens when that weight around your chest gets lifted. And amidst everything, you can breathe now. You can finally breathe, because you're safe.

"A lot, Mide. A whole lot" He said with a smirk.

To be continued...