Desire for you- ALPHA RYAN Book 1
Chapter 42

CATHERINE

I felt so sick, I could hardly contain myself. I didn't understand why I kept getting this nausea over and over again. If I didn't know any better, it was just an upset stomach.

I didn't hear anything from Rose and Daeva, they had suddenly disappeared from my mind and I wondered if that was the reason. I was worried about Rose, but with Daeva it was more limited.

I was alone in the room and looked around me. I pulled the covers off me and tried to get up. But I couldn't.

My legs had gone numb from not moving for so long and I took a nosedive onto the floor. I fell onto the marble floor, which wasn't exactly soft, and was lucky I hadn't hit my head.

I heard hurried footsteps from the corridor and Ilay was already standing in front of me. He looked down at me in irritation and put the cup he was holding to one side. "What happened?" he asked me and sat down to help me up.

"I-I wanted to go to the bathroom and tried to get up..." I said quietly "I'll be fine, I'll get up on my own." I tried to assert myself and actually wanted him to keep his fingers to himself.

He laughed softly and shook his head "That looks hard to do..." before he had finished his words, he picked me up in his arms, looked at me briefly and then sat me back down on the bed.

"You're a flyweight, I didn't have to go to that much trouble, if that worries you." he smiled wryly at me, making my cheeks flush.

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled to myself. His touch was, funnily enough, pleasant and made me tingle.

"Shall I help you into the bathroom?" he finally asked me. I shook my head quickly, "No, it's okay, I just wanted to wash my face," I said, playing with my fingernails.

"I can really help you, maybe it wouldn't be bad if you stretched your legs a bit." He finally insisted and was already reaching under my shoulder to support me.

I reluctantly accepted his help and sighed softly. I stood back up on my legs, which felt like pudding, and took my first steps, slowly with his support. His irresistible scent caught my nose and his strong body made my hormones shoot up in an unnatural way. Was it because of the bond he had with me and I with him?

I took a deep breath - big mistake. His scent was almost intoxicating. I seriously had to pull myself together.

"Is everything okay with you?" He asked me, looking down at me. Especially as I was two heads shorter than him, I had to look up. I nodded slightly, "Yeah, fine." I pressed out my lips and wanted to get into the bathroom as quickly as possible, preferably to hold the shower head over my head with cold water.

When we arrived in the bathroom, I leaned on the shelf and looked in the mirror for the first time. My eyes were sunken and I looked tired, but apart from that I didn't really see much change in myself. The longer I looked in the mirror, the more I noticed changes in me. My eyes were bloodshot again and the veins on my face were pitch black again... Daeva...

I paused, not daring to say anything. She looked at me too and said nothing. Ilay could be seen in the mirror behind me, looking at Daeva seriously and not saying a word. If looks could kill, then Ilay's would be bloody deadly...

Daeva just grinned at me and disappeared again. My black veins had disappeared from my face and I looked normal again. As if nothing had happened.

Ilay grabbed my hips from behind and looked at me in the mirror. "Are you all right?" he asked me quietly. His breath touched the back of my neck and gave me goose bumps all over my body.

I nodded slightly, not daring to take his hands off me. My legs still felt wobbly and I was afraid of falling again.

I let the cold water run and washed my face. The water was so cold that it sent me into a flashback. I was underwater and I could feel the waves crashing against a rock. It was the situation after I jumped off the cliff. I tried to gasp for air, but it was hopeless. It felt like someone was squeezing my throat and wouldn't let go.

"CATHERINE!" I heard Ilay shout and when I opened my eyes again, I was in Ilay's arms, on the floor, completely out of breath. I could barely contain myself and breathed in and out deeply. "That's good, breathe in and out deeply... you need to calm down Catherine..." He instructed me. I was here... with Ilay... everything was fine, at least that's what I thought again.

He picked me up again and carried me into the bedroom onto the bed. "What happened?" he asked me, looking at me seriously.

"I-I don't know... I was underwater again and couldn't breathe," I said quietly, biting my lower lip. I pulled my legs closer to me and Ilay put the blanket over me.

"That was a difficult situation too... Even I struggled to get you out of it, you slipped out of my hands every time." He sat down next to me "Tell me, Catherine. What happened after you passed out? What did you see after that?" he asked me, as if he knew that even in the middle of nowhere, it would go on.

I had to swallow hard. "There was a man called Azrael... He showed me a few things." I said quietly and looked at Ilay, who was now looking at me with concern. "What did he show you Catherine?" he asked me in a calm tone.

I didn't know what to tell him, because I knew everything. Everything I needed to know and everything I had missed.

"Catherine?" he raised his eyebrows.

"Everything..." I whispered softly.

"Like everything?" he looked at me irritated.

"How you tried to revive me, marked me, Ryan hurt the woman's shoulder..." I paused at the thought of them ripping out an innocent woman's heart.

"What else?" Ilay asked me in amazement, running his hands over his hair.

"I-I told you... I know everything." I whispered quietly and was on the verge of tears.

"You should have let me die... It was unfair to kill an innocent woman just to get me back..." I finally said, bursting into tears.

Ilay was frozen, yet he managed to pull me into his arms to give me the comfort I needed. "C-Cate... What we did was cruel. Yes, we were aware of what we were doing but we couldn't help it. Neither I, nor Ryan, could live with the thought of losing you..." He tried to explain and only hugged me closer to him.

I let him hug me and didn't know what to say. I now had four people on my conscience who had died because of me. First Neva, Arnor, James and now Julieth.

"We can't change what we've done and we're glad to have you back here with us. Please Catherine... you mustn't dwell on this any longer. It's not good for you or your health." Ilay tried to relent and took my hand in his.

My whole body tingled at his touch and something inside me stopped me from withdrawing my hand and telling him to keep his hands off me.

"It's easier said than done Ilay. I also want to know why I'm still here and not in the pack house with Ryan?" I asked him, biting my lower lip

"That's easy to explain. It was Ryan's wish."

"Ryan's wish?" I asked him irritated and wiped the tears from my face.

He nodded slightly "He's afraid of losing you like that again. He doesn't want you to come back until you're healthy again and by healthy he also means your mental level..." he tried to explain to me calmly but missed the mark.

"Psychic level? So you and Ryan think I'm mentally unstable?" I raised my eyebrows and looked at him, stunned.

He shook his head "Don't get us wrong but you jumped off the cliff and were unconscious for several days. How do you think we fared? There's no way we're letting you out of our sight." He said seriously and leaned forward to get closer to me.

"I won't risk losing you again. You can't even imagine the pain... It was like having your heart ripped out..." he said and the kick in the pants was inevitable.

"Your heart being ripped out? Yes, an innocent person felt that Ilay... Good choice of words, you of all people have to say that." I mumbled quietly to myself and tried to avoid his serious gaze.

He grabbed my chin and practically forced me to look him in the eye. "Catherine... Please. Believe us that we only mean well for you..." he whispered softly.

His dark green eyes sparkled at me and you would have thought they were two emeralds of the highest carat level.

After everything Azrael had shown me, I knew they meant well for me, and yet the fact that they were both my companions and that I couldn't refuse either of them in the end worried me. It got me down, because I felt too guilty towards Ryan...

"That's the thing... You have a guilty conscience towards Ryan..." Ilay said, not really sounding surprised. Had he read my mind?

"Yes, I did... Your barrier disappeared out of the blue, Catherine." he added, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

"Get out of my head" I suddenly hissed at him, furious.

He just smiled at me "You're sweet Catherine... I know how you feel about me now..." he said and ran his index finger over my cheek. Goosebumps again and I froze. I had to swallow hard and his finger continued to run over my skin, down to his mark.

As he ran it over my mark, it gave me an indescribable feeling of pleasure, joy and everything else that was positive. Damn it Catherine, pull yourself together... I said to myself, forgetting that Ilay could read my mind.

He just chuckled quietly to himself and looked me in the eye. "Ryan won't even be mad at you for feeling the way you do. None of us chose this... Do you think I like the fact that Ryan could very well have more of you than I do?"

He came closer to me and was about to touch my lips. "I was very angry when I found out... that Ryan took something from you that was meant for me... I'll fight for you if it's the last thing I do."

I felt his fresh minty breath on my lips and I had to control myself... control myself not to jump all over him...

"I'd really appreciate it if you did, love." Were his words and his eyes looked at mine with desire.