Dishonor (Book 1 of the In Search of Honor series)
Chapter 14: Recovery

Therewas a weight on top of me. I couldn’t see. This weight was covering my head aswell. I leaned to the side and shoved it off of me, and I could see the bluesky again. What a welcome and beautiful sight was that cloudless sky above me.So bright and brilliant. I look over at what I had rolled off of myself, and Iscreamed. I grabbed my mouth to stifle the scream. There was a man lying therewith an arrow in his back.

How…what had happened? I looked down at myself and realized that his blood was allover my shirt. My shirt was stiff with dried blood. It was… everywhere. What had happened? How had I gotten here?

Aflash, I was running, looking back, a man following me. A battle. My bow. Ilook at my other side, and sure enough, there was my bow.

Practicearrows. I couldn’t shoot a man with practice arrows. It was all coming back,but how had he ended up dead? I had lost consciousness. No one was close enoughto save me or care. I had thought it was over. I had thought… that he would…

Ishied away from the thought. I had to get rid of these clothes. Maybe I shouldburn them. I would feel best if every drop of his dried blood was burned andcursed.

Igrabbed my bow and managed to stand up and stumble away before I collapsed onmy knees and puked up every piece of food in my gut. The knock to the headwasn’t making me feel too good. I wiped my mouth and stumbled toward the centerof the town where people were quietly laying the dead in rows.

Isaw Sandy and Kevin sitting down next to each other. Kevin was quietly cleaninghis sword with a blank look and Sandy was leaning heavily against him. I sawRod in his black cloak helping place a body in the row of bodies. I saw thatviper Liz helping him.

Wherewas Fire? “Where’s Fire?” I rasped out, but my throat didn’t seem to be workingand my bow was bending under the weight of me leaning on it.

Myvision kept tilting and spinning funny. I walked closer using my bow heavilyfor support to keep me from falling out of my own dizziness, “Where’s Fire?” Irasped out again.

Iguess someone heard me or saw me, because suddenly there was a person thereholding me up and supporting my weight. My head hurt so badly. A person in ablack cloak was suddenly holding me tightly.

“Roderick.”I whispered in my raspy voice. And suddenly I was holding onto him for dearlife as my world tilted and spun. “It’s all spinning, I can’t quite seestraight.”

“Ithought you were dead… Sandy said she saw a man kill you before she killed him.She said you collapsed… We all thought. Please don’t ever scare me like thatagain Liv.” He was whispering in my ear, and it tickled slightly. What… why hadthey thought I was dead? My brain wasn’t quite working at full speed.

“CanI, ummm, can I sit down… somewhere. I think… I think he hit my head reallyhard.” Took so long to focus on what I wanted, “And water. Could I have water?”

Iheard him calling something out to other people as he slipped my arm around hisshoulders and helped me walked to a place where I was out of the way and couldsit down. I’d... I’d dropped my bow. I… Did I need it? I lay down on thecomfortable ground an pillowed my head with my hands. My head hurt so badly…

Rodwas in front of me in his black cloak. His hands were gently waking me andlifting me into a sitting position, “Here Liv, drink this water. Nice andslow.”

Therewas a cup at my lips and I drank what was offered. I tried to grab the cup fromhim and tilt it more so I could get more water, but he held it steady so that Icouldn’t take it from him and drink more.

Andsuddenly I was coughing. Everything hurt.

“Iknow you’re thirsty Liv, but you have to be patient. If you drink too much tooquickly you’re likely to just upchuck it. You have to be patient.”

Hewas making sense. Why did he have to make sense? I just wanted to drink watertill this infernal headache disappeared.

Atsome point he took the water away, “Rod, where’s Fire? She ordered me to changeand grab my bow, but I grabbed my bow first. Is she OK?”

“Fire?Oh, that red head that is sometimes with you. She, umm, I’m sure she’s fine. Idon’t know her that well.” My head might be killing me, and I might have beenlight headed and dizzy, but I could tell when someone was lying as poorly asRod was trying to.

“Rod,where’s Fire? You know and you’re hiding it from me. I can tell even though myhead hurts. Please Rod, tell me the truth.” I hoped my pleading would bring himaround. Was she in the lines of dead or one of the injured lying around, likeme?

Hewas desperately shaking his head, begging me not to ask again, but if hewouldn’t tell me I would crawl over there. I was disoriented, not weak. Ipushed myself into a kneeling position and he held me to steady me.

“PleaseLiv, please don’t. You, you don’t want to see that. I thought… I thought youwere going to be in those lines. I… I don’t think I can…” He was trying todissuade me, but Fire couldn’t be dead. Fire was too alive to die.

“Fireneeds me Rod. She needs my help.” She was still alive. What if she wanted totalk to me? She must be badly injured for him to not want to take me to her.

“She…She has her man, and… umm… her uh, her lover.” Yes, her man and what was hername again… Jasmine! I remembered her talking about Jasmine, but I hadn’treally met her.

“OhGod, Rod, if she’s injured, is her baby ok?” He stared at me blankly for asecond with his mouth wide open, and then he shook his head fervently.

“OhGod, she’ll be so upset about that. She was so happy to be with child.” Forsome reason Rod wasn’t responding.

“Rod,please, we’re good friends. Please take me to her.” Again the headshaking.

“I…I can’t. I’m not allowed to. And you need to lie back down and recover. Here,let me help you.” I let him help me lie back down. I would pretend to sleep andsee if he would walk away. If he went off, I could crawl to replace her.

Hestroked my short hair for a while, and then he quietly walked away. I waitedtill I didn’t hear his footfalls, and then I sat up and saw black spots andfelt the blood rush to my brain.

Ilet myself collapse back against the ground and then rolled myself over and offthe mat I now realized I had been on. There were other injured near me, butmost of them were fairly quiet. I could hear others screaming elsewhere.

Islowly lifted myself onto my hands and knees and crawled along the lines ofinjured looking for her red hair cascading over her mat, but I reached the endof the row, and didn’t replace her. I was preparing to go look for other injured,but I glanced toward the lines of bodies, and a bright red color that was toobright for dried blood was dashed in against the rest of the bodies.

Ididn’t want to look over there… She had to be in amongst the injured somewhere.A person walked up and knelt next to me, I looked over and found myself lookingat a blood splattered Dan.

“Whatare ya looking for?” I couldn’t help but stare at the blood splatters and praynone of it was his.

“Umm,are you hurt?” He blinked as if my response was strange, and then he lookeddown at himself and chuckled slightly.

“Nah,this is da enemy’s blood. Now what do ya need? If ya dona need anything I can always assist yaback to your mat.”

“Myfriend, Fire. I’m looking for her. Could you point me toward her? Rod wouldn’ttell me where she is or how she’s doing.” He nodded and held out his hand tome.

“Betteryet I’ll help ya get ta her. I dona think this is something I can just tellya.”

“I’mnot weak. I’ve seen plenty of people die. My own father was beheaded in frontof me and my best friend whipped to death. I can stand anything.” I grabbedonto his hand, and he helped pull me into a standing position which immediatelymade me dizzy. I clung tightly to his hand for support in my ever tiltingworld.

Icould see… I dragged him, my support, behind me as I stumbled toward what Isaw.

Herhair, her wild fiery hair was tangled. And… There was a… My hand lost itsgripped and I collapsed to my knees. If I stared at her face she looked likeshe was sleeping. Someone had closed her eyes, but her chest… Her chest wastorn apart. Her pale skin was cut open to allow the sun to touch it rays to herinsides.

Icrawled forward next to her, and puller her against me. “You can’t leave meFire. I need you here. You... You…” I couldn’t speak as sobs were torn from mythroat. I shook as I held her against me, “You… promised… you… would... showme… ‘round..” I gasped out a couple of breaths unable to talk. “Never showed me‘round… ‘round the rest of… the… the clothing making place.”

“GodDamn it Fire! You can’t die!” I screamed at her, tears coursing down my face.

Iheld her close. In the background I could hear people speaking, but I simplysat there and held Fire.

“Whatare you thinking bringing her here? She has a head injury and needs to rest!”

“Shewouldn’t rest ‘til she saw her friend. I found her trying ta crawl over ‘ere. Yacana protect her from everything.”

“Icould at least protect her from this for a while. She’s had enough death todeal with in her life. And she’s injured.”

“Damnit Rod, She’s not made of glass. I think ya are givin’ her ye own inability todeal with death.”

Ineeded to move on. Her fire would always be with me, I gently laid her backdown on the ground and kissed her forehead and gently smoothed her beautifulcurls away from her face. I scrubbed my face with my hands, but tears werestill falling. So I let them fall in her honor.

Ididn’t want to leave her out here in the elements by herself. Not the way theyhad thrown Annie out. Just tossed her in the midden like common trash. No, Firedeserved an honored death.

“How…How do… What is the… the way you umm… the way you… bury… your dead… here.” Iclosed my eyes. I had just… Fire oh God Fire, how could you be dead? How couldyou leave me to face this strange world? I wasn’t ready to be on my own.

“Weburn our dead. Fire got her name because her mother died when she was born, andso we said she was born of the fire. It’s a fitting end.” I nodded numbly.

Bornof fire into fire she would return. It was… fitting. It was an honorable death.I stroked her hair gently. It was so soft. So vibrant. She would want me tolive on. She would want me to…

Toleave her. I’d left her. I wouldn’t have had to if I’d worked harder to learn tofight. I could have been next to her; protected her back…

Thetears that had started to dry up turned back on. And dripped down onto herwounds as if I could heal with my tears.

Withoutrealizing it I found myself muttering a prayer, “Oh God, please, if you haveany mercy in you, take her into your arms. Love this child of yours, thegentlest of souls, and the brightest light I have met in this world. Pleasetake this woman into your arms.”

Ilooked over at the two guys, but they were still talking. I didn’t care anymorewhat they were saying about me. It didn’t matter anymore. They could think whatthey wanted to think about me. I brought death to my friends. Would I end up causing Kevin and Rod to die?What about Sandy and Dan? Annie and my father were dead, and Fire was dead, andthe common component was me.

Icurled up there between Fire and the next dead guy. There were arms gentlylifting me up. I looked up and found myself staring up at Kevin, “Whhaa?” Imuttered unintelligibly.

“Youshouldn’t go lying amongst the dead. I know you’ve seen too much death, but youcan’t just give up. You live with the living. We must all carry on and makegood of the sacrifice the dead have made. You need to sleep.” I closed my eyesagainst the dizziness that came with being carried and didn’t refute hisstatement. How could I?

Iheard doors open and close, but I carefully kept my eyes closed. I felt myselfbeing lowered onto a bed and I opened my eyes, “My room?”

“Yes,I think it will be better for your head than the mat out there. Just sleep, andhopefully you’ll feel better tomorrow. I’ll make sure you’re there, at herfuneral. I know… At least she was given honor…”

Hestarted to walk out, “Kevin.”

“Hhmm?”he turned back to look at me.

“Thanks.I… just… thanks.” He nodded. He was always there for me when I needed him most.

“Liv,no matter what happens, I will always be here for you no matter what stupiddecisions you make or who you choose to love. It’s the best part about closefriends that are like siblings, we look out for each other.” And then he turnedand left, but there was a warmth in me that hadn’t been there a moment ago.Kevin was right; we would always be there for each other.

WhenI woke up again, no one was around. I sat up and I did feel less dizzy. Mymemories of what happened were still disjointed, but at least my head wasspinning just from sitting upright.

Islowly stood up and got out of bed, and the room still seemed like it wasmoving a little bit, but it was moving a whole lot less than it had been justyesterday. I slowly walked toward the door grabbing something every time Ibecame slightly dizzy and waiting a second before moving forward again.

SuddenlyRod was there at more door, and he was holding a plate of food. “Don’t worry,I’ll bring you anything you need. I figured you’d be hungry. I was worried whenI couldn’t replace you near Fire, but Kevin told me he brought you in here.”

“Thanks.”I went back toward the bed and sat down. I really didn’t feel like talking orbeing with company, but he sat down next to me.

“Here,eat. You haven’t eaten in a while and you really need to keep up yourstrength.” He was right. Eating was important. I just didn’t really feel thatup to it right now.

“I…I don’t know Rod. I’m not actually that hungry.” I could still see her chestsliced open and her pale bloodless face with her fiery curls surrounding her.

“Eat.I know you aren’t hungry, but eat.” He held out the bowl he had, and it wassimple fare, just oatmeal. I took the bowl and picked up the spoon, and slowlyforced myself to eat the bland substance bit by bite.

Hesat next to me the entire time making sure I was eating. When I finished Isimply passed him back the bowl and leaned on his shoulders.

“SometimesI know there must be an afterlife because such a vibrant life can’t simply end,but other times I wonder. Is there anything we are dying for? Is there anyhonor in dying, or do we only tell ourselves that to convince ourselves that wehave a chance at life. That life is worth living. But really is there any pointat all?” I wasn’t even quite sure what I was saying, but in a strange way itmade sense. Was there any point? Were we here for a reason or just because.

Rodstayed silent simply resting his head on top of mine. We sat there silently onmy bed when suddenly he kissed my forehead and pulled away. “I have to getgoing. I have work I need to do helping clean up the village.”

“Seeyou later Rod, and thank you, for coming to visit me. And for forcing me toeat.” I passed the bowl back to him.

“Seeyou later Liv.” He leaned down and kissed me, and I grasped his arm to hold himthere, but he pulled away and left. My hand dropped like a lead weight.

Andthen I was alone again. Sleep seemed to help the last time, so I laid back downand let sleep claim me.

Someonewas shaking me, and I opened my eyes to Kevin’s handsome face staring down atme. “Good, you’re finally awake. Funeral is soon and I knew you wanted to go.Sandy will be in here to help you get dressed, and then we’ll help yououtside.”

Thenhe was gone and suddenly Sandy’s bright blonde hair was filling my vision asshe yanked me in a sitting position on the bed. “Whatcha doin’ still lyin’‘ere? Come. We gota funeral ta get ya ready for.

Iswung my feet over and sat there waiting for the sudden dizziness to fade. “Iummm… what’s customary to wear to funeral here?”

“Yanice clothin’ ‘course! Didn’ Sandy teach ya nothin’?” She said it as if shethought Sandy had had the time to teach me this.

“I…She never got to that. There were no funerals till now.”

“Shedidn’ teach ya that when she gave ya da dress?” I shrugged.

“Idon’t quite remember everything from my first day. It’s all kind of a blur.”

Sandypulled the blue dress out of the closet and came quickly over to me. “Stand upn’ take off ya work clothin’.”

Islowly stood up and pulled off the soft shirt and trousers grabbing the bedwhenever the world tilted. As soon as they were off and I was standing backupright Sandy was there pulling the beautiful dress over my head. And then Iwas ready to go.

“Come,let’s get there ‘fore it’s over.” She started walking forward and I walked nextto her. Whenever the world tilted I corrected my body and grabbed her hand.Kevin was there at the door, and together we walked outside and into the townsquare.

Therewas a platform made of wood with sticks under it and all the bodies were laidout on top. People were walking on the platform and saying goodbye to theirloved ones. There were a couple kids walking on the platform saying goodbye tofriends and parents.

“Wehave a house now. With so many dead we don’t need to build a house now.” Kevinspoke so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. He was staring straight at theplatform.

“What,there’s a house where everyone died?” That was just… sad.

“Everyone‘cept their six year old girl.” Sandy replied from my other side.

“Whatdo you think Liv, think we would be able to raise a little girl?” Kevin asked.

“I…I don’t know. Is the girl a condition of the house or something?”

“Nah,she just has nowhere ta go now.” I looked over at Sandy and I could see a tearfalling down her cheek that she scrubbed away. Both Sandy and Kevin wereavoiding looking at me.

“Wecan try. She’ll never forgive us for not being her parents though.” Iremembered my pitiful half siblings still dishonored, and Felise who would beforced to work even though he had never worked a day in his life before. AndKevin’s father who was probably dead. All we could do was try even though wewere a mess.

“ThanksElizabeth. I knew you would understand. You know, I never thought I would saythis, but sometimes I miss Felise, and I know this girl wouldn’t be Felise, butI think it would be, well, I don’t know. Good to do.” Kevin was now looking atme as if looking for approval and I smiled at him, and he seemed relieved.

Rodcame running up with his black cloak flapping behind him, “Come on Liv! Youshould say goodbye as is customary for friends and family. He held out hishands to me and we walked over to the platform with me using him as a stabilizer.He helped me up onto it and he took me to Fire where her man and her femalelover were both standing saying goodbye.

Iwalked up, and they both stared at me like I was an intruder. As if I had noclaim to say goodbye to Fire. I nodded politely to them, but they didn’t evenacknowledge me. The just watched me as I walked up and moved out of my way so Icould stand next to Fire. I squatted down next to her and put my hand on hershoulder. “Goodbye Fire,” I whispered and stood back up.

Iquickly left holding onto Rod. We stood amongst the crowd and silently watchedas everyone left the platform and one little girl was pulled away from her deadmother. I leaned against Rod and tangled my arm in his. I wanted to be as closeto him as possible.

Theylit the tinder underneath, and eventually the platform started to burn, andsoon all the bodies were burning. Everything was burning, and everyone else hadleft, but I stood there leaning on Rod with tears trailing down my cheeks. Mydear friend Fire was gone. She was joining the ranks where Annie and my Fatherwere.