Dishonor (Book 1 of the In Search of Honor series)
Chapter 9: Inside the Wall

Werode forward together into the darkness inside of the wall. As soon as we werepast the gate, the giant wooden gate started closing. From this side I couldsee a metal arm connected to the gate that was pulling it shut, and that armwas connected to gears that were making the noise.

Itmade sense that the gate to the inside of the wall would use a mechanism toopen it since the people in the wall were the ones that kept technology up. Italso gave the place an air of mystery and obviously scared the citizens thatlived within the city.

Whenthe gate closed the place was thrown into complete darkness. Then a dim lightstarted to glow from the ceiling. It was the yellow light of an electric lightpermeating the tall hall in which we were standing.

Aperson came hurrying in. I couldn’t tell if the person was male or female, butit was a young person. They were about ten years old wearing a plain white robewith long, waist length white hair.

“Sorryfor the lack in hospitality. We haven’t seen exiles in ages. We were quitesurprised when the door was knocked on and you two rode in. I was sent down togreet you, and to offer you a chance.”

“Achance, a chance at what?” Kevin jumped on her words and didn’t let her finish.

Iguess I assumed the child was female because of the long hair. I would let thatassumption hold until I knew otherwise.

Shewaited as if silently reprimanding Kevin for speaking. “As I was saying, wewould like to extend an offer for you to live in the wall. You would never beable to go back into the city, but it is wrong for people to be forced out intothe world beyond the wall. We, the people in the wall, watched the last man diein the ruins of the city outside the wall. We can still point out his bones toyou. And the bones of his horse. He rode out and sat outside the wall until theradiation killed him as if he couldn’t imagine there being something beyond theradiation.”

Thegirl stopped and stared at the two of us for a second, and then continued, “Andwe would teach you as much as you could learn. You don’t seem like the type ofpeople that would be as smart as the carefully selected and bred people of thewall, but we would still welcome you. We hate death as much as your peoplewithin the city welcome it. The people within are a sample of what people inthe world used to be. We within the wall are from the smartest and brightestgenes this world could offer.”

Shepaused again as if waiting for something. I wasn’t sure what to say. I hadnever thought that the people within the wall would want to keep an exile. Itwas a tempting offer. To not have to face the radiation outside the wall. To behonored and safe. To never have to worry about the king or being whipped again.It sounded like a dream come true.

ThenI remembered my sister. I had to honor my family and all those who believed Iwas searching for a place beyond the radiation. I had to see if there was achance of freedom beyond the wall. Kevin was looking at me, as if waiting formy answer. I took a deep breath, “I need to leave. I need to see if there is aplace beyond the radiation.”

“What!” His rang out through the cold empty room.

I must have caught him off guard. Maybe he thought I had only chosenexile to live. He didn’t realize I had chosen it because I was too prideful tobe killed in front of a crowd. He didn’t understand that now that I was givenmy honor back I had to fulfill the duty given to me by the people of the city.I looked at the flower I was still holding in my hand. Bryan’s farewell.

“Ihave to. They gave me back my honor and entrusted me with leaving the city tosee if there was anything past the radiation. You can stay here. This isn’tyour task. I would understand if you stayed. I just hope the people in the wallwill help me figure out the best direction to go when I leave and teach me theskills I need to be able to figure out where to go. That is all I ask of thepeople in the wall.” The daisy in my hands was my promise. I would do my best toreplace a place of freedom for the people of this city.

“Whydo you always drag me into things! Ever since we were children I’ve beenfollowing you into bad decision after bad decision. Why can’t you ever leave meout of it Elizabeth? The last one almost got me killed, and now we have thischance…”

“Youcan stay.” He always chose to willingly follow me. So maybe I was a littleadventurous. Maybe I didn’t always think out the repercussions of my actions.But he always chose to follow me.

“No,I can’t. I need to watch over you and make sure you don’t get yourself killedby one of the beasts out there! You don’t even know how to fight. You don’tremember how to ride. A little bit of leather won’t protect you in the worldout there. And I made a promise a long time ago to protect you.”

Ismiled, “You follow through on your promises. So do I. I promised the city Iwould replace a place beyond the radiation or die trying. I will not fail. Just asyou have not failed me.”

Helooked like he was about to explode. I would absolve him of his promise so hewasn’t so torn. I could handle myself. I had once been dishonored. “You are free to stay here. I absolve you ofyour promise to me.”

“No!It’s not that simple. If I let you leave you’ll die out there, and I can’t livewith that! You are like the sister I never had. I can’t just let you go and getyourself killed. If you insist on leaving you are taking me with you!” He wasso frustrated and upset with me. I wasn’t sure why he was insistent onfollowing me. I could handle myself, no matter what he said.

“Fine.Follow me if you want to. I won’t stop you.” I turned on my horse and lookedover at where the little girl had been, but she was gone. Another person walkedinto the room. This person was clearly male and just as pale and white hairedas the girl.

“Lisaknew not how to deal with you. She is not used to strangers even though she hasbeen training to be the ambassador to outsiders since she was born. Yourindecision confused her. I am Roderick, your host in the dark world of thewall. What was your decision on staying? Lisa left before you made yourdecision.” He spoke quietly and in a deep steady voice. No expression show onhis colorless face. These people of the wall looked like they had all the colorwashed out of them.

Ilooked over at Kevin, but he was watching me and waiting for me to speak up. “Imade a promise to the people of this place that I would see if there wasanything beyond the waste. I will fulfill that promise or die trying.”

Theman didn’t even twitch a muscle. He stared at me; unmoving and unblinking untilI finished speaking. Then he turned toward Kevin, “Surely you are smarter thanthis girl you ride with.”

Kevinshook his head, “I’m afraid not. I’m following this crazy girl wherever shechooses to go. I’ve sworn to protect her and help her, and we are in thistogether.”

Isighed in annoyance. I’d released him from his stupid promise he made so longago. I knew he didn’t like me as more than a sister and I recognized the factthat he didn’t even realize my own feelings toward him, so why was he insistingon following me out into death? He could replace some pretty pale girl living inthe wall that was so smart she would leave him in the dust, but she would befascinated with his dark and handsome looks. He shouldn’t follow me.

“Don’tfollow me Kevin. Stay back. Don’t be dragged into something I am doing again.As you said I always drag you into stupid things. I almost got you killedalready. Don’t let me actually get you killed.” I did want him to come though.I would miss him if he stayed. Even as I tried to convince him to leave a partof me was begging him to stay back. I did love him, and I hoped he didn’t fallin love with another girl because I wanted him to realize that he loved me. ButI shouldn’t lie to myself. He didn’t love me.

Heshook his head. “No Elizabeth. I will follow you, and you cannot stop me. Ihave fighting training and I am a good rider. You need someone to protect youand to remind you of what to do to get your horse to do certain things. We’llride fast enough so that we’ll out ride the radiation poisoning. We’ll be outof here before we get so much radiation that it hurts our systems.”

Roderickturned toward me and spoke tonelessly, “Elizabeth, he is devoted to you. Tostupidly follow you out. The whole world was blown up. There is nothing elseout there unless maybe the government managed to build other cities before thewar happened, but I doubt it. It took so many resources to build this city thatI believe we are the only humans still left in this world. Do you still want todoom yourself and your companion and your horses to certain death?”

Ismiled slightly. “Roderick, Nothing is ever certain in this world.”

Myfather used to say that. He said that to me before his execution. He used toadd, “Everything has its time and its place in this world”. In his last wordsto me he had added “my time and my place has come here and now. Don’t be sadfor me. Live the life you are given.”

Thepale man shook his head, “Death is certain. You people inside the city believein a God, but there is no God. There is nothing after death. You live in afantasy belief that some great eternal being cares about your honor and youreternal soul, but there is nothing. After life there is simply death.”

“Andhow do you know that? We believe in a God by faith. Just as you ask me how do Iprove he exists I ask you how do you prove he doesn’t?” I wasn’t sure why I wasquestioning this brilliant man from the wall, but I felt like I had to defendmy beliefs. As if not defending them was wrong.

“Iprove it by the fact that no one has seen signs in my life time of a higherbeing. Everything can be explained by science. But even if you won’t let go ofyour beliefs; death is still certain outside these walls and the protection ofthe bubble membrane that keeps the radiation outside of the city and thiswall.” He was stubborn, but so was I.

“AllI want is the best knowledge of where to go and how to figure out where I amheading out there so I can escape this place. Can you help me with that?” Iglared at him challenging him to either help me or send me out of the wallwithout any help. Either way would work.

“We’llhelp you. We’ll even make sure you have as much food as your beasts can carry.Leave them here and we’ll take care of them.” I looked down at the horse I wason. He stood there so quietly waiting for me to dismount.

He was standing at the position where my father used to stand when I came in from a ride, right next to the head. I couldn't remember what my father looked like, just his presence there in front of me and his voice. As his presence and image took over my thoughts, I could hear him saying, “Elizabeth, you must alwaysunderstand why your horse is afraid. To him the dark area under the shadows isa place full of monsters waiting to eat him. Horses born into light don’t wantto go down into the darkness.”

In the memory, I was standing next to pony, looking up at him. I was so angry that the pony wouldn't do what I wanted it to do which was to go into the shed to grab a treat for it. He smiled down at me, and gently took my pony’s reins from me.

“Butdad, how do I get him in then? I just wanted to get him a treat and he’s toostupid to know that.” I was certain I was right and my father was wrong.

Heshook his head even as he spoke, “No sweetheart. Your pony is simply followinghis instincts to fear the darkness. The best way is to treat him with patienceand calmness.” My father moved back next to the pony and spoke quietly to himand rubbed his neck. The pony went from standing with his legs splayed out in a guarded position to letting out a deep breath and relaxing his knee a bit. Hisears pricked forward and he walked in right next to my father even as I stoodthere watching in shock.

The memory faded and I was still sitting onthe calm black horse. Someone had done a good job training him and had put alot of love and patience into his training. I looked over at Kevin and I couldsee he had jumped off and was handing his reins over to a different pale personwith that same white hair. It was like all these people in the dark had lostthe pigment in their skin. A different person was standing in front of myhorse, “I’ll take it from you if you would like to get off.”

Ireached forward and patted the horse’s neck. I closed my eyes and swung my legover while holding onto the saddle for dear life with my hands. I lowered mybody along the horses side until I was at a dead hang, and then I dropped thelast little bit feeling the impact of the drop in my feet as they hit theground with a hard and sudden thud.

Ihanded the reins over to the person standing there, giving one last pat to the quiet creature sent out with me before looking around to replace Roderick. In the dim light I could make out a person I thought to be him near a wall of the room, and Kevin walking toward him. I followed since Kevin seemed to know where he was going.

“Ahh, the one so desperate toleave the protection of the wall has finally decided to join us. What made youdecide that it was time to join us?” Roderick flat intonation called out as I approached him and Kevin.

Isimply shrugged and replied, “Well, are you going to help us?”

Helaughed at my demanding words. “Come,” and he walked away expecting us tofollow. I jogged a step or two to make sure I was right behind him not wanting to lose him in this dim lighting. I could hear Kevin's even steps behind me.

We passedthrough an archway and the light behind us faded away and the place was lit bynothing. I stumbled in the darkness and could only keep going following theechoing songs of the footsteps in front of me.

Iran right into something and to my chagrin realized it was Roderick’s back.Just as I was trying to back up Kevin ran into my own back pushing me intoRoderick again, but he stood solidly and waited as we collected ourselves. Icouldn’t tell what he thought of us as we made fools of ourselves in thedarkness. The all-encompassing darkness that he walked through like it was as brightas day inside. But they did not know what it looked like outside in this darkand timeless place.

Hestarted walking again, and again we followed into the darkness. I heard a clickand dim lights on the ceiling lit up the room. We were in a small room withmaps all over the walls, but they were maps I had never seen before with clear…was that flat clear glass without bubbles and flaws? How did they get such aclear material? I walked toward one of the maps and reached out my hand towardthe material covering it.

“Pleasedon’t touch the glass. We like to keep it clean and your touch will leaveprints on the glass. I stared at it, my hand almost touching but not touchingthe map. It was a map I had never seen before.

Roderickwalked up next to me. “See that circle to the left, that’s our city. And therest of this is the estimated blast radius of the bomb that was dropped on thecity known as Washington D.C., the capital of the nation that was once incharge of this land. Our city was built on the outskirts of that city. To theeast will be only destruction until you reach the ocean. To the west you mighthave a chance if you make it to the mountains. “

“West,East? What does that mean?” It sounded like left and right except it alsodidn’t.

“Theyare directions. The world is round and left and right don’t work in the scopeof the world.” The world was round? I had never actually… I guess I hadwondered, but I had assumed it was flat. Or maybe I had heard it was roundsomewhere, but our world was so limited to the world within the city’s wall.

Hegrabbed my hand and led me over to a table with a round thing. I look over atKevin who was still standing near the entrance of the chamber. He just shruggedas if saying he was not going to be able to learn directions; which wasprobably true since he was terrible even just in the city.

Roderickspun the round thing and pointed to a spot on it, “That map you were looking atis smaller than a point on this globe. A globe is a more accuraterepresentation of the world”

Ilooked closed and noticed that it was green and blue. “What… what do the colorsrepresent?”

“Thegreen represents land and the blue is water. Where the land turns brown is arepresentation of elevation.” I stared at the globe fascinated and then Ilooked back at Kevin feeling guilty.

“Could…could you send someone to take Kevin and teach him survival skills for theoutside world?” I could at least give him something helpful to learn.

Kevingave me a grateful smile, looking slightly less uncomfortable. Roderick lookedthoughtful for a second. “I think- Well we don’t know them, but we can teachhim from the sources we have.”

“Thatwould be great.” I smiled and Roderick nodded.

Hewent over toward the door and pressed a button and spoke at the wall, “Pleasesend Raza to come and teach the City man Kevin skills for surviving in the wild." He let go of the button and turned back toward us, "She isthe closest we have to a specialist in this stuff.”

Roderick walked over toward a shelf and grabbed what looked like a black slate used for teaching off it, “Now Elizabeth, you wanted to learn the art ofnavigation. We will start with learning how the whole world looks and longitudeand latitude.”

I looked over at Kevin next to me, wondering if I should wait to learn this new information till Kevin's guide came. Kevin motioned for me to go towards Roderick, "I''ll wait here for my instructor. Go have fun learning your book stuff. I've had enough of books living in the City."

"Ok," I couldn't think of anything else to say and made my way over toward where Roderick was waiting.

His pale lips pulled into a smile and he looked genuinely excited as he turned the slate toward me and began to write on it. I leaned in, curious of about the strange symbols he was drawing. I forgot everyone else in the worldas I learned how to navigate around the world.

I heard footsteps come, and go. At some point someone brought usa meal that seemed to be some sort of paste with a large cup of water. It was bland fair, but it was edible, and the water clean and fresh.

Iwas fascinated by this world I had never known before. A round globe and awhole world that these people claimed was destroyed in a nuclear war where allthe countries of the world ended up firing on each other. And countries.Countries were such fascinating entities. I had never thought there was so muchout there.

Theworld that existed outside these walls I had lived in my whole life was a worldof mystery. I wished I could learn the whole world’s history. I wish I couldlearn about the governments of these places and their systems of honor, but Ididn’t have time. It was already taking me so long to learn navigation, and Ihad to leave at some point.

Therewere also maps of the world. Flat representations of the round world. At somepoint more food was brought in and I was shocked. This food seemed to be leafy greens topped with a number of powders. I wasn’t even hungry and itwas more food than I normally got in a day.

Iwas staring at the map not focusing on Roderick when he interrupted my reverie.“Elizabeth. You don’t have to leave. You’re obviously hungry for knowledge, andif you want you can stay here and learn as long as you like. You’re smartenough to almost be one of us. You could leave when you have learned as much asyou want. They teach you almost nothing within the wall. You learn reading, writing, and math, but nothing about beyond the Wall. It’s as if they want theworld outside the Wall to be an enigma for you.”

“Theywant us to fear the world outside the Wall. They want us to choose executionmore than they want exile. Exiles they have to give precious resources to for a mission beyond the walls. And that’s why I can’t stay here forever. I stillhave to leave at some point.”

“Butyou can stay as long as you like. You can learn within our walls for as long asyou want. You don’t have to leave until you want to leave. We won’t ever forceyou out of here.” His voice had changed from a flat toneless way of speaking to a much richer and sincere sound. The way it's tones pulled in on itself was begging me to stay. Moments ago I would have thought it beyond him to beg. All these people within the wall were soformal and upright. There was so little emotion shown, but I could seesomething sad and pleading in his pale blue eyes almost white.

“Iwill stay as long as I can, but at some point I have to leave.” I felt bad nowfor leaving, and I felt torn. I looked down at my plate that I was eating onand wondered how I could be torn between the outside world and staying in thisdim quiet world of learning, but I was enjoying learning, and I had almostforgotten I was in a dark, quiet, and pale world.

Henodded as if it was what he expected me to say. The silence stretched on as weate with only the sound of chewing to break the silence. Finally he spokeagain, “We will spend another hour learning and then we will sleep. Lisa willtake you to your sleeping arrangements. Tomorrow we will learn about landformation and climates of the world and a little bit about living and dealing withdifferent climates. That will mostly be what your companion is learning aboutbut it is necessary to learn a little bit about it to know about navigation. Ifyou want at some point we can teach you a little about self-defense. It mightbe useful for you out there.” He looked away as he talked carefully not lookingat me.

Ishook my head. No. “I… I can’t. I could never. Women don’t learn to fight.”

Heshrugged, “Women don’t wear pants out there, or do they? I think you are pastthe rules of your pitiful society. And women in our society can do anythingthey want from fighting; to learning; to wearing whatever they want. And Iwould think you more than any other woman inside the wall would be willing toput aside the bounds of society.”

Ishook my head again but said nothing and felt very aware of the fact I waswearing revealing leather clothing.

Wesat there awkwardly, and then he stood up. “Come. Let’s begin again.”

Thisspan of time seemed to pass by in no time at all. Before I knew it Lisa wasthere standing in front of us with her hands on her hips. “You two are asterrible as a regular pair of scholars. You both haven’t even noticed mestanding by the door for more than a minute. Are you sure you really want to leave us?”

Ifelt that strange draw to stay, but I shook my head. I had to leave, “I wouldlove to stay here, but I must leave eventually, for the city.”

Sheshrugged and grabbed my wrist and led me away. I looked back and the lights inthe room were fading away as Roderick stood there watching me leave, and thenthe light was gone. Lisa confidently led me through her dark world and I wasreminded again of why I couldn’t stay here forever. I loved the outside worldand its light, plants, and noises. I couldn’t stand this quiet world.

“Rodericklikes you.” Lisa’s voice startled me.

Ilaughed at her simple childish thought that Roderick liked me. “No Lisa, Ithink he just likes teaching and I am an enthusiastic learner.”

Lisashook her head, “I see past your delusions. He likes you. I’ve never seenRoderick soften around anyone and he softened around you.”

“Softened?What was soft about him?” I think Lisa was the delusional one.

Sheshrugged, “I saw his face. He was showing emotion. Roderick shows no emotion.He is attracted to your darker hair and your reddish skin. We only see yourkind of people when we fix things at night. And he’s always been obsessed withyou. He saw you on his first night trip into the city when he was a kid, and hethought you the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He’s wanted to meet you sincethen, but he has followed the rules and never woken you up.”

“Thatjust sounds creepy. And I’ve never noticed anyone watching me.” I laughedshakily. To think someone had been watching my sad and pitiful life.

Lisashrugged, “He was always obsessed with your kind, my mother told me. He noticedyou were intelligent and he fell in love with your spirit in the face of theabsolute brutality shown within the wall. He has watched you grow into someonehe admires and loves. Mother told me, and mother knows him better than anyone.He is my brother after all.”

“Wait,Roderick is your brother?” They were almost ten years apart in age. Maybe alittle less, but still I was surprised by such an age difference.

“Yes,mother had me when she was thirty and Roderick when she was twenty-one. We alsohave another sibling, Carry, who she had when she was twenty-four. But Carryhas trained in engineering and lives with the solar panels that help providepower. She knows how to build them, maintain them, and fix them. She often hasto go out suited up in a lead suit to protect her from radiation. But you won’tmeet her. She lives with the other engineering apprentices.” She shruggedagain. Shrugging seemed very popular among these people of the wall.

“Whatage do people of the wall normally marry at?” I was curious about their strangeculture.

Lisastopped suddenly. “This is it.” She let go of me and opened a door into a dimlylit room. “The lights must have been turned on before we got here to make youmore comfortable.”

Iforgot about my previous question as I starred at the room. It was like my roomwhen I was a child except the colors in the room were different. A four posterbed was on the wall in the middle of the room and it had a dark blue cover withgold flourishes threaded through it. A matching rug was in front of the bed anda carved wooden trunk sat at the foot of the bed.

Tothe left of the room were a vanity and a desk and to the right were a door anda wardrobe. “What is through the door next to the wardrobe?”

“That’syour own private bathroom. Those of us in the wall don’t need to stoop to usingchamber pots and having a bathroom as decoration.” At that moment she soundedlike a stuck up noble who believed she was better than anyone else. Except thepeople in the wall were actually better and they lived in the darkness. Theykept our society functioning.

Sheturned to leave and then turned back toward me, “We normally marry at some timebetween eighteen and twenty, and my brother has many women who have tried towin his favor, but he doesn’t notice any of them. He has eyes only for onegirl. If you leave I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes with you.”

Thenshe shut the door behind herself leaving with that last message that Roderick liked me. I would ignorethat for now. For now I would focus on the comforts of the life in front of me.

Iwent into the bathroom and marveled over the simple but elegant bathroom infront of me. It had a bathtub with a shower and a smooth marble wall. The wallsof the bathroom were painted a dark red to go against the light tub, sink,toilet, and floor. It was so simple and yet so beautiful. I walked over to thesink and turned the handle of the sink. Wonderful water poured out of thefaucet. It was beautiful. I held my hand under it and laughed in delight.Running water! I turned it off and wheeled toward the tub with the shower head. We had never been allowed to even attempt to turn on the water in the bathroom of the house when I was a kid.

I touched the spigot for the tub and carefully turned it on. Water poured out of it and splashed onto it in a steady stream so different from filling a tub with a bucket. How did I make the shower work though? I felt around on the wall, looking for something to switch it on, and pressed a small button. The water streamed out of the shower head like a mini version of the rains coming out of the dome. I pressed the button again, and it went back to the tub.

This was greater luxury than anything inside the city had to offer!

Iturned off the stream of water and spun around in delight. I ran back into the bedroom andthrough open the wardrobe door. Inside there was a night gown like the onesroyal ladies would wear and beautiful simple dresses and… and pants and shirtcombos. I hadn’t even thought about it, but the clothing of most of the palepeople in the wall was as pale white as their skin and hair. And everyone worepants and trousers. I guess… maybe the pants and trousers were to make me feelmore comfortable just like the room. I took off the leather jacket and helmet,and then had trouble. Was the leather even meant to be taken off?

Aknock came at the door and I quickly went over and opened it to replace Roderickstanding at the entrance of my door.

“Roderick.Hi. Umm, did you need something?” He as staring at me and coloring was risingup in his cheeks.

“Umm…Oh yeah. I was going to make sure you didn’t need anything. That ummm… You lookgood in that leather.” He stood there awkwardly now looking at the floor as ifafraid to look at me. What happened to the unemotional and certain man I hadmet earlier that day?

“It’sthe same as what I was wearing earlier. I just took the jacket off. Couldeither you or your sister help me with theses laces on the back of this… Ithink Christopher called it a corset.” He was still in there. All the people Ihad ever known were so close and so far away.

“Umm.I’ll help. Who’s this Christopher?” Was that jealousy I heard in his voice?

“Comeon in. Christopher was one of the guards who helped me get ready for exile.” Istood out of the door so that he could enter. He hesitantly walked through thedoor. And then he just stood there awkwardly

“Ijust need help with the back laces undone. I can’t reach them. I can get thecollar though.” He just nodded and came closer so he could undo my laces. Washe biting his lip? He looked nervous? Had he never been in a room with a girlbefore or something?

His cold fingers brushed my skin and Ishivered from the cold touch. “Sorry,” he mumbled as he undid the knot at thebase and then slowly loosened all the laces till he go to the top and then hesaid, “There. That should do it.”

Iturned around with a smile feeling glad that the collar was still holding thecorset up so that I wasn’t naked. I would bet that if it had dropped hewould’ve spun and run out of my room. “Thanks. Clothing can be such a bothersometimes. At least I won’t need to put this leather stuff back on until weleave here.”

“Youdon’t have to leave.” He put his cold hand on my shoulder, and it tookself-control for me to not pull away. It was an automatic reaction to want topull away from people trying to comfort me.

“Ido though. I have to go out there.” Lisa was probably right. I think he wasshowing signs that he liked me, but I didn’t know if he actually did or it wasjust all speculation. And I didn’t know if I liked him back. It was creepy thathe had watched me growing up. But he was nice. And cute if you like extremelypale and washed out. But that was the thing. I preferred guys that had darkbrown hair and at least slightly darker skin. I didn’t want a see through guy.But he was smart and kind of sweet. Could I like him without lying to myself?

Suddenlyan image of Kevin slipped into my head. No, I liked Kevin. I would wait foreverfor him and, if he never liked me or married another girl I would stay aspinster for my whole life rather than marry someone I didn’t like. Maybe Icould learn to like Roderick, but I didn’t see anything past friendship withhim. His hand dropped off my shoulder.

“Iguess I should… umm… go?” He looked as if he wanted to stay even as he asked ifhe should go.

Ishrugged. I guess I was already picking up the wall people’s shrugging habit.“You don’t have to. You can stay if you want to. I think you might want to turnaround if you stay though. I plan on changing out of this leather.”

“Umm,ok.” He turned around and I unbuckled the corset from the collar and thenunclipped the collar and pulled it off before pulling the loosened corset overmy head. “So what is your normal day like when exiles don’t come running indemanding your time?” I asked as I worked on getting the leather boots and pantsoff.

“I’mtraining to be teacher.”

“Mmhm.What does that involve?” I grabbed a pale night gown. I hadn’t worn a nightgown in so long. A ribbon dangled off the waist and I pulled it around and tiedit in the back.

“Well…I have to learn the basics of everything so I can pass on knowledge. I’m whatyou would call a scholar. I normally spend about half my day studying andlearning. I go to other older scholars if I don’t understand something from oneof the subjects. I spend the other half my day shadowing a teacher teachingclasses to young kids and he teaches me about teaching afterwards. So you’renot wasting my time. I just see it as getting practice in.”

“Youcan turn around now. That sounds interesting, but don’t you have a focus orsomething?”

Heturned back around and his face turned slightly red again as he took in mynight gown. Men probably weren’t supposed to see women in nightgowns till theywere married or something. That’s how it was within the wall unless you weredishonored.

“Youumm… you look pretty in that… Yeah, I don’t focus on one subject. That’s forpeople going into a field. I want to teach younger kids who still have to learnall the subjects before they can choose a focus.” He was staring at me thewhole time, and I was actually starting to feel uncomfortable from his gaze.

Finallyhe looked away to look around the room. “Do you like the room? And the clothing? Lisa told me she suggestedthat some dresses were put in the wardrobe because you might be morecomfortable in them. The room is just one our unused rooms for single people. Ihope you like the color blue…”

Ishrugged and smiled, “Yeah. I.. I haven’t had anything so beautiful in a longtime. I like blue well enough. Tell yoursister thanks.” What else did I say? Sometimes trying to have a conversationwas just hard.

Hespoke up again, “I should leave… You are settling in well? I umm… Lisa willcome and make sure you wake up in the morning so we have plenty of time tostudy.”

Inodded, “Yeah, I need to take a shower still.” I could help but smile with delight at the thought of getting to actually use a shower.

Hewaved at me while never breaking into a smile, “Bye then,” he turned away and left the room.

Iwaited a second then I went into to the bathroom and took the night dress off.I turned the shower on again, and stepped into its cold stream of water enjoying the amenities these wall people had. The water slowly warmed up into a pleasant and relaxing beat against my skin. Not only did they have running water, it was magically warmed up. I never wanted to leave this shower!

But I had to. I had to leave this shower, and this magical place where every room had a working bathroom which meant turning off this faucet and preparing myself for bed.

A towel hung near the shower, and I used it to dry my body and my short hair before slipping into my night gown again, and heading toward the bed that should belong to a Most Honored.

The bed covers were so smooth and soft that my calloused hands snagged against them. Luxuries like this weren't meant for a Dishonored, but I wasn't Dishonored anymore. With that thought I slid myself into the sheets that caressed my skin. and let the bed envelop me in its soft cushions.

But the falling asleep was hard. I wasn't Dishonored anymore. I had escaped the endless drudgery for life of dimly lit rooms and maps promising a large world beyond the wall. Tomorrow I would get to learn more! This bed was too soft!

I tossed to my side. It felt so wonderful, but I felt like I was endlessly sinking.

Inthe morning I heard knocking on the door. I groggily got out of the bed. I guess I had fallen asleep at some point, but it had taken so long, and I felt like I had run through the whole night. This thing was too soft. Maybe in the future I should just grab some of the sheets and sleep on the floor.

Theknocking came again, “Coming!” I yelled as I dragged myself out of the covers and wentto the door. I opened it and found Lisa waiting in the darkness outsidemy door.

“I’mhere to help you if you need it. Your lack of a need for privacy quiteembarrassed Roderick last night.” She spoke like an adult of the Wall with the same flat emotionless tones. It was too early in the morning for such monotone speech patterns.

“Umm,ok. I might need help with back of a dress, but that is it.” I stood back andlet her in before heading over to the wardrobe and opening it up to browsethrough the choices. I picked a simpleblack dress from the wardrobe. It looked like it would be a floor length dresson me.

Itook off the night gown and slipped the dress over my head. It had a zipper soI pulled it part way up, and then turned toward Lisa, “Hey Lisa, you want tocome help me with my stupid zipper?

Shenodded and quietly came over and pulled the zipper up. “It looks good on you.”I looked down at the dress, and from what I could see it flattered my thinemaciated body making me look slightly less emaciated and it had a heavy andfull skirt that touched the ground. Thin straps went over my shoulders leavingthe rest of the skin bare.

Shegrabbed my wrist and led me over to the vanity. “I don’t know what to do withyour short hair. Most of us hardly ever cut our hair, but…” she let thesentence hang as she brushed her hand over the couple of inches I had.

“Inormally just leave it alone, but I could brush it down if you want -” I startedbefore she shushed me.

“No,I’m doing your hair and I’m doing your make up. I’ll just make your hair lieflat, or we could do a wig…”

“Nowigs.” I would let her play and do make up on me and stuff if she wanted but Iwouldn’t be so fake as to wear a wig. I liked my short ash brown hair no matterwhat length it was or what color it was.

Shenodded seriously, “No wigs.”