Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)
16.

I sighed. Heavily. But no, of course not, it didn’t help. The huge ugly building didn’t disappear, it still towered in front of me. And I didn’t vanish either. I was still sitting in my car, trying to replace some courage to get out of it. Just like twenty minutes ago.

Not that I was scared to enter school, or to walk its corridors. I swear, I wasn’t. But after last weekend, I felt completely exhausted. There wasn’t even a bit of energy left in me to be able to deal with all this bullshit.

I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to meet him. I didn’t want to face him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.

“Uhm, um, Lara.”

I jerked, hearing a voice coming from outside. Or rather, I got terribly scared. Then a familiar face appeared behind the window, making me exhale with relief and eventually get out of the car.

“Hey, Colin! How are you?”

He approached me timidly, shoving his hands into pockets. He looked at me, he did, but it took him only few seconds to let his gaze fall somewhere else. I got the impression as if he was embarrassed and only when he tried to smile did I realize that I hadn’t spoken to him for at least a week.

“Well… Good,” he said, still not facing me. “Anyway, I want to apologize for what happened on Friday night.”

Huh?

“I’m very sorry, Lara, for being an asshole. Somehow, I haven’t had the balls to talk to you since that evening. I just hope that you can forgive me and forget about it.”

What?

My eyes widened automatically as I recalled the events, he was telling me about. We went on a walk, and then he wanted to kiss me. Out of the blue, there was Eric who interfered and they both almost got into fight. Colin left, I stayed with the demon from the hottest circle of hell and let him sleep in my bed. We spent the next day together and then he kissed me...

Okay, girl, fine… Maybe you could stop recalling already.

My eyebrows shot to the heavenly heights as the boy in front of me still couldn’t look at me properly. And suddenly, I don’t know, I found it funny. Or to be more precise, I found it cute. This shy, unsure demeanor of his was definitely a very pleasant change compared to the confident demonic ego I was used to.

“Wait,” I began, and this time, I didn’t need to force myself at all, the smile appeared on my lips spontaneously, “do you really think I would be angry with you for such a nonsense? Oh, gosh! You’d have to try a lot harder.”

Like you could really kiss me and then kiss someone else.

An ex-girlfriend, for example.

Finally! He looked up at me slowly with such an uncertain boyish expression, and at that moment… Men! I was so grateful to him for at least some distraction.

“Seriously?” He asked too carefully. “You aren’t mad at me?”

And I burst out laughing heartily.

No, I couldn’t describe how I felt, I guess it must have been a pure relief that run through my whole body. Because I realized the most important thing, I realized that I wasn’t alone. I still had my friends, people I cared about. I still had reasons why I didn’t have to be afraid of the school at all.

“Why don’t you stop blabbering and escort me to my locker instead? I fancy a pleasant company this morning.”

Yes.

I did it again.

Just like the first day of school in January when I practically took advantage of Colin so I wouldn’t have to walk that ugly building alone. It was bad, it was selfish and inexcusable. But at this moment, I would do anything only to keep Eric away from me. And Colin was the perfect choice. I assumed that the hellish envoy wouldn’t chase me as long as I stay by his side.

He accepted my offer with a big smile, and I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I just acted friendly towards him.

And maybe it really helped as I didn’t see my demon anywhere. Not that I avoided him, nor I walked through the most abandoned corridors of the school. Either luck was on my side, or he decided to let me be. Or he didn’t come to school at all. But it didn’t matter anyway. Because I knew that he had to show up here sooner or later and there were a few classes that we shared. Slowly but surely, I began to think about making a deal with Kyle. I wanted to beg him to let me sit by the window.

I ended up at my favorite spot next to the vending machines during the main long break. I leaned against the wall and waiting for the twenty minutes to pass, I was just looking outside the huge window.

It must have rained last night, the basketball court in front of me was covered in mud. The wind was blowing quite strongly, mercilessly thrashing the thick branches of the trees. It was as if Nature knew, how I felt inside. I had the impression that the weather perfectly matched my mood as it looked equally desolate and bleak outside.

I got lost in my thoughts, I somehow prayed, this day to be over already. I simply wanted to survive it. However, I forgot about one primary thing. This was my favorite hiding spot.

I remembered forgetting about it as soon as I recognized the intoxicating scent filling the space around me. My body stiffened; I froze completely in response to his presence. Because yes, I was more than sure that he was here, that he found me. And I wasn’t able to move, turn, face him.

But he must have noticed my reaction. Damn, he must have heard my wildly beating heart across the hall.

“Dove.” His whisper sounded much closer than I could bear at that moment. “It’s not what you think.”

“Lara! Wait, it’s not what you think!” I heard Jace shouting behind me as I was trying to run as far away from him as possible. I’d give anything in the world to be able to erase the image of that bastard between Amy Lee’s thighs from my head.

I didn’t understand it. I was running and he, even though still lifting his pants, managed to catch up with me, to seize my arm and turn me around to face him.

“Baby, I’m sorry! There´s nothing going on between me and her, I swear! She seduced me, I was drinking, I just succumbed. I don’t love her, I love you!”

There was guilt reflecting in his face like he´d meant every single word. But I didn’t care. He run his fingers through his hair, however it fell back to his forehead anyway. And I couldn’t help but remember how much I loved this gesture of his. How much I loved to dig my fingers into his hair, to play with it as we lay side by side and watched movies.

Now, I was just repulsed.

“C´mon, Lara! You know me!” he insisted, leaning to me, cupping my face with both his hands. Making me feel like a trapped animal. “I don’t want her; I belong to you.”

I couldn’t even describe what were the feelings rushing through my head like. I only recognized one of them. Disgust.

“I love you,” he lied to me. The boy had no idea what love is.

It didn’t take much. All he had to do was raise his hand and touch my chin with his fingers to pull me close. And I exploded.

How could he think I’d let him touch me after he’d been touching someone else a minute ago? He staggered when I slapped him, reliably throwing him out of my personal space and out of my life as well.

“I regret the day I allowed you to lay your hands on me,” I growled. And those were the last words I ever planned to say to him.

It wasn’t my heart that broke when I left him. It was my pride. I’d never felt so disgraced before. Everything I thought was between us, everything I considered sacred, was actually a lie. Nothing was worth for him to appreciate.

It wasn’t the tears that filled my eyes when I turned to walk away from him. It was that obnoxious feeling of humiliation that made me swear I would never allow myself to feel that way again. Because of no one.

And not at all because of a boy.

“I don’t care, Eric,” I said, answering him. But I refused to turn to him. I could yell at him, I could scream, I could hit him, I could scold him. I would have a right to do it all. But a strange apathy overcame me and filled every bit of my heart instead of anger. “I don’t care what you want to tell me.”

Suddenly I was cold. Like I was standing naked in the middle of an icy storm. Like I was standing somewhere in the middle of Antarctica. Lost, helpless, without even a single flash of hope that someone would save me.

It hurt. It still hurt as much as… No, I’m lying, it hurt a lot more than in December, when he dumped me. Still, I just felt pretty numb. As if I had come to terms with my shattered heart, as if I had subconsciously known that I would live with this pain until I die.

“Lara, please listen to me. She means noth...”

Oh, dammit!

Don’t say you don’t love her! That I’m the only one for you!

“Did someone force you to kiss her by holding a knife to your neck?” I asked, interrupting him.

“No,” he exhaled.

The freshmen ran out of the door, preparing themselves for the gym class. And I didn’t understand, I didn’t understand it at all. How they could throw themselves into the mud with such enthusiasm just to play soccer. So much life, so much merriment that literally shone from them, and I wanted to die here at this very moment.

“Did someone force you to kiss her by holding a knife to someone else´s neck?”

“No,” he repeated the same word again. A short word, yet it was enough for me to hear the guilt in his voice.

And he knew very well he was guilty.

Because he didn’t even try to come closer to me, to touch me, to make me face him. As if he, just like me, couldn’t stand my gaze, confront me, look me in the eye.

“Right here, right now, I stopped being interested. I don’t want to listen to your explanations. I beg you to respect it.”

I knew when he understood when he complied me. It was exactly at that second when his scent disappeared, and my body was able to relax again. But not completely. Suddenly I felt like I would never get rid of that stiffness again.

Just as imprint of Eric Lestrad would never leave me.

He wasn’t just a boy I lost my head for.

This time, it wasn’t my pride that was broken. It was my heart, which suffered the most.

But I didn’t change my mind, I couldn’t. And looking out of that dirty window, I only confirmed myself that I would never break my oath.

I was sure that it didn’t end yet, that the worst part was still waiting for me. Now, I knew he was here, that he didn’t ditch school. That I would meet him once more today. It wasn’t hard to convince Kyle to cede me his seat by the window, at least at classes with Eric. However, it didn’t prevent me from being in the same room with him for fifty-five minutes.

I swear, even the sun hid behind the clouds when he entered English class. And I wanted to be blind, I did. Because no matter how hard I tried, I didn’t suppress the urge to look at him.

He was pale as death itself, his black eyes shining from his face perhaps for a hundred miles. I couldn’t have overlooked the huge dark circles under them. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping all week. Maybe he´d been partying, maybe he´d been doing other interesting things with flirtatious blondes.

I turned my attention away, somewhere at the trees behind the window next to me. Before he could capture me in his gaze. Before he would make me feel sorry for him. Still, I wasn’t able to stop them. Those two tears that slid down my face as soon as I recalled what a gorgeous feeling it was. To snuggle up to him, to have his arms around me.

And then a few more tears spurted out of my eyes as I realized I would never replace myself in his embrace again.

***

I sighed again. This time with relief. For the first time that day.

I was staring at the full shelves in grocery store, wondering what I actually wanted to buy. Because yes, it was a damn huge problem to think about something else as the only memory of him kept filling my head.

And suddenly, the decision whether to choose spaghetti or tagliatelle seemed to be the most difficult task of my life.

Maybe I was lucky that I managed to sneak out of school discreetly, maybe Eric just gave up. But the truth was, I took him with me in my thoughts. I desperately wished to get him out of my head. But to do so, my brain would have to stop working completely in the first place. Even the last neuron would have to fail.

“Lara.”

My name, I heard my name behind me, and perhaps I would be grateful as it brought me back to reality. Only if I didn’t recognize the voice which had addressed me.

“Well, that is a very pleasant surprise.”

I stiffened, I froze, I literally turned into a stone. I clenched my jaw, I almost shivered. Nevertheless, I found enough common sense somewhere inside me to be able to turn around. I had no idea how I should react but listening to my demon seemed like the best option at the time.

“Mr. Leroy,” I took a deep breath and smiled widely, “that’s a really, very pleasant encounter, indeed.”

The question - what are you doing here - was utterly irrelevant. He was the last person I would expect in something like a supermarket. He probably had no idea that such a thing existed. I also didn’t believe he appeared here just by chance.

“Oh, darling, please! It´s François for you,” he smiled at me as well. Damn! None of his expression had lost its smarm during that time. I also couldn’t help but notice the elegant way he intruded into my personal space. “I’m glad to have the honor of meeting you again. I heard you don’t keep in touch with Eric anymore.”

The corners of my mouth dropped, my gaze involuntarily fell somewhere, and a jar of tomato sauce almost fell out of my hands. I couldn’t control any of it, I couldn’t hide my exaggerated reaction to the sound of this name. But Monsieur Leroy didn’t hide his reaction either. He raised an eyebrow, something flashed in his irises, and I saw the recognition in his eyes. I guess, I just confirmed to him that my demon hadn’t lied to him.

“No,” I assured him, “there are no bounds between me and Mr. Lestrad anymore.”

And now, it was really true.

“His loss,” he muttered, glancing at me. And I wasn’t far from trembling.

Fuck, what the hell is this?

Shouldn’t he be gone since like yesterday?

What is he doing here?

Did he come back?

What the hell is he doing in a stupid grocery store?

The way he kept smiling at me made the chills sprint down my spine. In an instant, I remembered how he had scared me at the Christmas party. I recalled what Eric had told me. That he´d wanted to hurt me that night.

And just like that, suddenly, out of the blue, I got scared.

Now, there was no demon there to help me out of it.

I couldn’t overlook how he didn’t stop studying me. And I had no idea how I should behave in his presence. He was very well capable of throwing me off balance as precisely as Eric. But with him, I felt more horrified than embarrassed.

And Monsieur Leroy sighed.

“I am very sorry, ma chérie,” he said sweetly, “but duties call. I’m truly delighted that I could enjoy your beauty at least for a minute. I hope we will meet again soon. Under more pleasant circumstances.”

And I got stuck.

That was all?

Didn’t he want anything more?

No other formal bullshit?

I survived his kiss on my hand, I wished him a beautiful day, but I didn’t breathe properly until he left me.

For a second.

Because when you fall in love with a boy who´s everything but ordinary, when you know a world which lay far beyond logic, you also start to get a little paranoid.

My fear returned as the only thought that he mustn’t have left bumped into my head. If he´d felt something in me, if he´d wanted to hurt me because of it, there wasn’t a big chance that he hadn’t changed his mind meanwhile. And if he still wanted to hurt me, the middle of a full supermarket would probably be the last place he would choose to do so.

Maybe I was exaggerating. Maybe not. However, there was only one person who could give me an answer.

I couldn’t believe I was doing it, but despite all my reluctance, I finally pulled my phone out of my pocket. I wanted to call Eric; I almost dialed his number when a memory hit me. The memory of him, his whispering, and the water he’d let flow as a soundscape. I wasn’t sure whether I just misinterpreted it, but I also didn’t want to risk that Leroy could really hear us the way my demon could. I rather wrote a text message.

I guess, I need your help.

I planned to give him some explanation too, but I didn’t manage to tap even the first few letters and the screen of my phone showed an incoming call. I didn’t dare to accept it, I just declined him quickly, returning to tapping again. But Eric also didn’t give up so easily. I had to decline four more of his calls before he finally stopped. And I received a text message right away.

Eric: Damn, answer the phone! Are you okay?

Me: I met Leroy… Can he hear us if I answer your call? In case that he’s still somewhere around?

Eric: Where are you?

Me: In the supermarket.

Eric: I’m on my way.

Tomato concentrate from red ripe tomatoes, distilled vinegar, high-fructose corn syrup, onion powder, one wouldn’t even believe what ketchup contains. However, I didn’t have time to read it all and my demon appeared next to me. He caused me even a bigger shock than his freak friend when he hugged my face with his palms and without hesitation, he pulled me towards him. He pulled me to his damn divine chest.

“Dove, are you alright?”

Holy crap!

The concern in his voice almost brought me to my knees. As I stood so close to him, I could feel how tense his body was. He was looking at me. Now it was he who studied every detail of my face. And suddenly, I didn’t give a fuck about some Leroy. Suddenly, I had a much huger problem. The ground underneath my feet me was falling apart.

“What did he want from you?”

I had to take his hands off my face. I just had to do it to be able to think. Or keep standing. Or answer sensibly.

“Well, in the main - nothing,” I tried an indifferent tone. “We just exchanged a few formal phrases, and then he left.”

My demon let his captivating gaze fall somewhere down as if thinking about something. And yes, I knew there was no point in asking about it. He wouldn’t tell me anyway. As he never did.

“What’s he doing here? Shouldn’t he be already gone? Is it common for him to go shopping?” I asked at least this.

“No, Dove,” he replied, still thoughtfully. “Actually, it’s pretty weird that he walked into a grocery store. And I have no idea why he’s still around. We said goodbye yesterday morning.”

He smiled at me, he really smiled, fixing his damn beautiful, tired eyes on me. Yet, I didn’t suppress the impression as if he was trying to collect himself. As if he was trying to put himself together after hearing bad news. As if he was trying to show me that everything was fine. That I didn’t have to be afraid.

I wasn’t.

I didn’t want to admit it, I desperately didn’t want to admit it, I tried to think of something else. But the feeling overwhelmed me anyway. I stopped being afraid at the moment when he came for me. I’d always been safe with him. My whole body realized it.

“I’ll replace out what he was doing here,” he looked at me resolutely. “But first, we’ll get you home safely. He’s not outside anymore, nowhere around, I can’t hear him.”

Uhm.

We will what?

I frowned. Despite the turning wheels in my mind, I didn’t understand what he´d meant. Until the female version of my demon appeared next to me.

“Hi girl,” she winked at me. “So, what are you cooking today?”

“Tammy?” It surprised me. It surprised me so much that the attempt to greet her failed epically. I just stood there with my mouth open. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m taking your car and your purchase home,” she shrugged casually as she was quite obviously trying not to laugh.

What?

Wait!

“Excuse me? My car? Why? Does Leroy know what kind of car I have? Should I walk?”

I didn’t get it, I didn’t get it at all, and I was also getting the impression that they both were exaggerating.

“No, Princess,” said the deep voice, making me jump back into reality, “you’re riding with me.”

He said it, he announced it domineeringly, giving me no space or opportunity to express my opinion. He wrapped his arm around my waist, as if he knew very well that I would defend myself, that I would protest hard. And he headed to the exit.

I didn’t fight back.

One thing I learned about this small town in those six months was that I should never draw attention to myself unless I wanted everyone to discuss my drama while drinking coffee in the morning. I let him drag me outside. And there, at the parking lot, the situation changed.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” I immediately barked out at him, trying to free myself of his grip with all my strength. And it was probably just a moment of surprise that I succeeded. I intended to use it. “I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m not going, are we clear?”

Without a single wobble… Dammit! A split second was enough for him, and I was pressed against his chest again. “Good, Princess. Just keep telling it to yourself. Feel free to repeat it as many times as you want.”

Shit, fuck, huh?

I was sure he was trying not to hurt me, and this was my biggest advantage now. I tried to slip from his grasp until I managed to free myself again.

“Nice try, Dove,” he shook his head, showing me very easily how ridiculous my effort was.

“Let go off me, let me go immediately!”

I didn’t give up. I couldn’t give up. I attempted to jerk out of his grip once more. And my demon took a sharp breath, his eyes narrowed, and that’s when I realized he´d lost his patience. He refused to argue with me anymore, to struggle, and to endure my stubbornness.

I sobered within a nanosecond.

Without a word, without any warning, he grabbed me again only to toss me over his shoulder. I yelled at him, I cursed, I beat him, but nothing helped. He carried me to his car like this, ignoring my escalating fury.

He dropped me onto the passenger seat and then he locked me in! Fuck! He. Locked. Me. In his car! So I couldn’t escape him until he approached the driver’s side. He let the child safety lock on, he opened just his door to get in too. And the icing on the cake? He needed just one hand to pin me against the seat while the other one fastened my safety-belt. Only then did I begin to realize how strong my demon really was.

I was totally exhausted, and he didn’t gasp for air even once.

He looked angry, he looked as if I wasn’t aware of the seriousness of the situation. He acted like he was dealing with a disobedient child, and that pissed me off even more.

I turned with my back to him as much as the small space in his car allowed me. I turned to window. I refused to talk to him, I refused to look at him. But peripherally I could still see how his shoulders began to shake with quiet laughter.

I rather closed my eyes.

I really felt like a little kid, and the way he overpowered made my pride suffer. I needed to calm down just so I wouldn’t say something pretty vulgar.

When we stopped, when he turned off the engine, when I opened my eyes again, I immediately wanted to jump out of the car and run into Jim’s house. I didn’t mean to give him a bit of my attention.

There was only one problem left.

I couldn’t replace Jim’s house anywhere.

I couldn’t replace any house, any civilization at all, because we were parking at an old, godforsaken rest area in the middle of a nowhere.

“What the hell this suppose to be?” I hissed slowly. I stopped holding back the anger, I lost control, I felt it. That everything that had accumulated inside me all the way would explode in a moment.

“Kidnapping,” the corners of his lips twitched, but he became serious right away. “We´re not gonna leave unless you hear me out.”

***