Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)
17.

I choked.

That anger in me reached the limit of unmanageability.

I really needed to breathe, I inevitably needed to get some oxygen. But it disappeared, the air around me must have evaporated as the space in Eric’s Mitsubishi shrunk tenfold.

I felt like I was captured in a cage. In a narrow, ever-shrinking cage. What he´d done, crossed all my lines, and I had never had such a problem with controlling myself before.

Who the hell does he think he is?

Does he really think that getting the things done his way will help him this time?

Who I was to him?

Another bimbo to conquer?

I opened the car door and literally ran out of it, sucking cold air into my lungs. The sudden urge to escape from here, to escape from my demon as far as possible, seemed to be my only chance to salvation. My only hope that I still could save my heart.

“Dove, where do you think you’re going?” I heard him say somewhere behind me as I stepped forward. I didn’t care where I headed to, I just didn’t want to stop walking.

He asked his question very carefully, I didn’t miss it. Not even the fucking tenderness which he spoke to me with: “I don’t want to add oil to the fire, but you know you have a pretty bad sense of direction, don’t you?”

Yes.

But I damn didn’t care either.

“I’m going home,” I growled, refusing to look at him. “Even across Tokyo, if I have to.”

I stood my ground, I kept going although every further step seemed harder and harder to make. As much as I wanted to prevent it, those fucking tears blurred my vision and helplessness engulfed me completely. Because that’s exactly how I felt. Unable to fight with myself, unable to fight with him anymore. My anger clearly won over me, and I lost control.

“Lara,” he began. Holy crap, he just started, he just said my name, and my whole heart froze, only to fall apart next second. When the pain that marked the tone of his voice came to me. But he was to blame. “Please, listen to me.”

“But I don’t want to listen to you!” I interrupted him immediately.

I didn’t want to, I couldn’t, I had to go away. I had to get rid of that burning feeling. It was eating me alive, it was decomposing me. I still couldn’t breathe, even when there was enough oxygen around me now.

I walked, I kept walking before a hand seized my arm. Before I lost my balance and landed on his chest.

My hands automatically shot forward, I immediately tried to free myself of him, as his touch bothered me too much. However, he immobilized me easily, he made me feel helpless once again. And maybe, maybe all my energy was already drained of me that I failed in my attempts to pull away from him. Without a blink of an eye, my demon wrapped his arms around me and just sighed heavily: “Come on, Princess. Do you still enjoy it? You won’t overpower me, you’ll just hurt yourself.“

“Dammit, then let me go!” I shouted at him.

“No,” he vehemently declined my request. “Not unless you hear me out.”

The cold nylon of his jacket tickled my neck when he pulled me even closer as a proof of his words. I shook my head, not holding back the sob that was coming out of my throat. I sobbed, realizing that this was the embrace I´d longed for unbearably. And now, I couldn’t stand it.

“But I don´t want to! Don’t you get it? I’m not interested in your apologies!”

I bet on a moment of surprise and jerked violently. I couldn’t tell if I simply succeeded or he let me go voluntarily. I only knew one thing. My cup of patience had just filled up and there was only a drop missing. Just that one little stupid droplet.

“Why the hell are you so stubborn?” Unlike me, he spoke calmly, but I didn’t miss the reproach in his voice. “I hurt you, you’re mad at me. But do you think I have no right to say something?”

And I got stuck.

Hurt you?

Did he just say - hurt you?

Did he just describe my broken, bleeding, trampled heart as hurting?

And that stupid fucking little droplet made the cup run over.

And then there was nothing more.

Neither my wounded pride nor my helplessness. There was no sadness or depression, the tears stopped filling my eyes. Instead, I let my fury engulf me.

I shoved him hefty. With all my strength I thrusted him, but he didn’t even move. I didn’t solve anything, it didn’t tame my anger, and my demon took a deep breath, forcing me to face for the first time in four days.

The nature around us seemed pathetic as if lacking life. The field we were standing on was covered here and there with snow that had probably clung here since the last week. Mud, dirt, bare trees, and a gray sky which was about to cry with me. Yet, none of this captured the despair as much as his eyes did.

As if they were dead.

I could studied them closely now. The beautiful brown of his irises took on a rich shade of black. His face did look tired, and he made it even worse when he gave up. When he just exhaled in defeat. “C´mon, Dove, do it again,” he said. “If it´s gonna help you somehow, do it again.“

I didn’t hesitate.

I punched him in his chest just to get no reaction from him. I did it again, but he just lowered his head. I struck him one more time, yet he said nothing more. And exactly this, how calmly he took it made me even angrier.

I automatically started pounding his chest with my fists, but it had the same effect as if I was pounding a stone. And all I achieved was my anger bursting out. Yet no, it didn’t help me at all, as it didn’t take long and the fury was replaced by tears. I didn’t want him to see me like that, I didn’t want to be so emotional. But I couldn’t stop them from falling down my cheeks either.

“I don’t want to talk to you! I don’t want you to chase me!” I sobbed, trying to cause him at least some pain. “I don’t want anything to do with you anymore!”

I was exhausted physically and mentally. I´d been suppressing it all weekend when I couldn’t cry a tear. And now, it really exploded somewhere inside me. I started an avalanche of feelings and suddenly, I couldn’t handle it anymore. However, my hits were losing strength.

And his hands wrapped around my back.

So far, he was just standing there. He let me beat him, he patiently endured my hysterical reaction. But as soon as I started slowing down, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close without saying a word. The more I was losing my determination, the tighter he hugged me. Until I found myself tamed in his embrace.

I didn’t want to admit it. Not to myself and under no circumstances to him. But yes, it helped me. Suddenly, all the tension disappeared, and I no longer had the strength to do anything, not even to move. The strange calm that radiated from him passed on me as well. I could only feel the warmth of his body. And he hugged my face with his palm and made me look up at him.

And then the moment lasted for ages.

He was staring at me, he was studying me as he had done a million times before. Yet, I couldn’t remember when he did it for the last time. His chest rose against mine as he breathed peacefully. His scent stunned me again, it told me that it was my demon who was holding me now. Same as always, though it was different. Because I already knew what it was like to think that he was mine, and suddenly, out of the blue, he wasn’t.

“Princess,” he whispered, “I owe you an explanation.”

“You owe me an explanation?” I laughed sarcastically into his shoulder and pulled away from him. There was nothing left in me after my break down, absolutely nothing. The apathy simply overwhelmed me. I felt completely empty. Without a single spark of life.

“Let me guess,” I rubbed my face with my hands before I could repay him his gaze again. “You want to tell me you’re sorry. That it shouldn’t have happened. That she means nothing to you. That you kissed her for any other reason, but not out of love.“

My demon frowned at me, but he remained silent. He just let me talk and that was good. That was very good, because there was a lot I wanted to tell him.

“The worst part is that I’m pissed about something I shouldn’t be angry about at all. You kissed me too, so what? You don’t love me, you’re not in love with me, we’ve never talked about any commitments. You had every right to do whatever you wanted with her.”

I was watching his expression in detail as I managed to get the words out of me. I needed to see it, to know how he would react to them. If it makes some impact on him. If he tries to talk me out of it. But he just kept staring at me, he just kept standing silently in front of me.

“Yet, I am pissed. I told you long ago that I’m not here for your entertainment. For anyone’s entertainment. I won’t be anyone’s trophy, I’m not that type of girl. And you, better than anyone, know my reasons. You should have thought about it before you touched me. And I shouldn’t care, dammit, I don’t want to care. But I do, it bothers me and it bothers me so much that I can’t get over it. I just can´t.”

He didn’t hold his intense gaze he was burning me with, his sight dropped to the ground. And I felt a little relieved. Because watching him right now was worse than going through hell.

I loved him.

I loved him so goddamn much.

“If someone didn’t force you to kiss her, then the kiss is inexcusable to me. It doesn’t matter, you don’t need to say anything.”

I shook my head as another rush of tears filled my eyes. I felt like an era was coming to end, like everything that was dear to me was fading. And my demon did nothing, he just stood there staring at the sleeping soil underneath our feet.

“But you know what? I want to talk right now,” I didn’t fight the urge to tell him everything. “You hated me without knowing me when we first met and I didn’t judge you for that. I didn’t hate you in return, I didn’t turn my back on you. Instead, I let you in, I told you things no one knows about, I became your friend. And you dumped me, saying the worst possible words. But despite hurting me, I gave you a second chance, I did. And you…”

He closed his eyes as if refusing to face the truth, but I still intended to say it all.

“You made me believe that I meant something to you. That the bond between us was for real. And then you kissed another girl.”

No.

I was wrong.

It wasn’t calm that radiated from his whole body. It was defeat.

“I would accept anything. I would cope with your secrets, with you being extraordinary. I would respect you for what you are. I would even put up with Leroy somehow. But this? No. Not with Jace. Not with you. Not with anyone else. Never.“

I wished… Now, I desperately wished he would finally interrupt me. That he would defend himself. That he would at least try. That he would protest in attempt to prove me wrong. Yet no, he remained quiet, confirming me my assumptions.

“Do you remember what I told you a week ago? I said you would easily make me trust you again. That I would give you everything as you wanted. I almost died every night missing you. How many of them did you spend with her instead?”

He looked up at me. There was so much, reflecting in his eyes as he fixed them on me. I recognized guilt and despair, hopelessness and despondency.

“I told you it would turn out like this. That something would come up and tear us apart again.”

And I, I felt it all too. It hurt, saying those words to him hurt. Without a doubt, there was just a overwhelming devastation that filled the barely beating thing in my chest.

“You broke my fucking heart,” I swallowed dryly as a huge lump grew in my throat. “For the second time. So if you owe me something, then it’s definitely the respect of not making me listen to you explain yourself.”

And my demon stepped forward.

It cost me all my remaining strength, all my determination not to collapse when he cupped my face with his hands. When he made me face his destructive gaze.

“I’m sorry, Dove,” he said, “I never meant to hurt you.”

But you did.

“I think you were right,” I blinked, I had to blink. That damn tears kept filling my eyes and I didn’t want to cry. “I think it’s high time we both go back to our worlds. Let me go now, Eric. Please.“

I was willing to plead, beg, beseech. But my demon only exhaled heavily. I swear, something died in him as he closed his beautiful eyes as he nodded slowly.

Just like something died in me.

“I’ll take you home,” he whispered, his hands leaving my face. The gentle touch was gone, the heat radiating from his body vanished. My desire to live disappeared.

The way back to Jim´s took an unbearably long time, and neither of us spoke. This time I didn’t close my eyes, this time I just counted the trees we passed. I counted the beats of my heart as I felt that there were not many left. That it would stop pounding in a brief instant.

Now, I didn’t plan to run when he parked the car in front of my uncle´s house. I wanted, I needed to say goodbye somehow. But saying goodbye to someone you love is the hardest thing in the world.

I realized it, I understood it only at that moment when I looked at him.

“I love the memories I have of you,” my voice betrayed me and broke along with those feelings that almost swept me away. “You will always have a special place in my heart and I will always wish you only the best.“

He gripped the steering wheel in front of him, but didn’t return my gaze. He just kept staring blankly ahead of him. “I just lost the best I had, Princess.”

It was over.

It all ended.

The unbearable pain in my chest was telling me all about it.

And as much as I had been trying to avoid him all day, I was so afraid to leave now. Because this was really the last time.

Just me and my demon.

And millions of obstacles in between.

“I would go to hell and back for you. I would do anything for you, anything you dream of. And it´s killing me that you´re never gonna believe it. So, if this is what you want, I will fulfill your wish. I will let you go. I´ve never deserved you, and now I’ve only proved the point.”

I knew something was wrong. And the despair that dominated his expression just assured me.

I took a breath.

“Go home, please,” his voice stuttered as he interrupted my attempt to say something. “Please, Lara, go. Don’t say anything, just go home.”

I exhaled.

The tense posture of his body, the excruciating longing that radiated from him gave him away. I knew he needed to be alone and I complied him. But getting out of his car, I couldn’t help but notice. Though he wasn’t looking at me, I caught sight of a wet path running down his face.

And at that moment, I felt like my heart was about to explode.

***

I ran.

I was short of breath, I wasn’t getting enough of air, my lungs were collapsing. The pounding thing in my chest was about to rupture, pumping blood into my blood vessels at an insane speed. My muscles stopped listening to me.

Still, I kept running.

Because that was the only way to empty my mind. That was the only way to free it from Eric Lestrad.

Every muscle in my body ached, yet it was the heart that couldn’t keep working. I wished I could say, it wasn’t him. That he wasn’t the one who taught me what it’s like to really love someone. The one who showed me how much it hurt to have a broken heart. I always thought it was just a stupid metaphor, but no, it was true. My whole chest really hurt.

I knew it, I knew from the beginning that it would turn out like this. From the first moment I saw him, I had the feeling that he had the power to steal my soul. I wasn’t wrong. Except that he stole everything from me.

Or I laid it at his feet by myself.

He didn’t have to do anything, anything at all, just be himself, and I fell for him just as he claimed he had fallen for me. With the difference that I truly meant it.

The feeling I had when I was with him suddenly disappeared. It was as if I remained incomplete, as if he´d taken the most important part of me with him. And I knew I would never be the same without it again.

For the rest of the week, I felt like a living corpse. I did the same stereotypical things over and over again, just so I wouldn’t think. I would swear someone sucked life out of me, and there was only one difference between me and a zombie. I didn’t craved human flesh. I craved Eric.

There wasn’t a single moment when I wouldn’t be thinking of him. When I wouldn’t miss him. Every time I got lost in thoughts, they wandered to him.

Which was always.

I realized it, I knew it very well. That it was my decision that I wanted it that way. That maybe a word, or two, would be enough, and I could have him back, in my bed every night.

But he didn’t feel the same way as I did.

He had his opportunity to speak, to say how he felt about me. Back then, at the rest area in the middle of nowhere. He was facing me, he was staring into my eyes, yet he didn’t utter a word. He said nothing.

He considered me as his best friend, and I really appreciated it. But it was far away from what I felt for him. I couldn’t let it go further. He would destroy me, ruin me, completely tear me apart. Although I wasn’t sure if he already hadn’t done that.

We couldn’t be lovers and we couldn’t be friends either.

I fell in love, I was the one who screwed it up, and now I had to get out of it. All I could do was try to live. To do everything possible and impossible to get over it. And maybe I stood a chance to make it through, if I didn’t lose the will to breathe, survive, exist.

It got a little warmer, as if spring were about to come earlier this year. Nature came to life and I felt like a dried mummy. Every night in bed, I was literally terrified at the idea of meeting him somewhere the next day.

The second semester began, our class schedules changed. Mr. Bunsen’s course was over, and we also didn’t share biochemistry anymore. And that was good, very good as it saved me. Because I wouldn’t be able to handle fifty minutes at the same desk with him. Nevertheless, English and History class remained the same. It cost me a huge self-restrain not to gape at him during these classes. But it wasn’t possible to ignore him when I bumped into him accidentally at school corridors.

He didn’t look well.

Even though he was still the hottest guy I’d ever seen, something was wrong with him. The beautiful brown color completely disappeared from his irises, only black dominated them. The dark circles under his eyes deepened, it seemed as if he didn’t sleep at all. More than once, I thought of replaceing Tamara and asking her how he was doing. But I never found the courage.

It was only Colin and Beckie who made me survive the long days. Unlike Jessica and, thanks to her, Kyle, they had no idea what I was going through. Their laughter, their crazy ideas, even their blabbering represented little things I was enjoying every day. Yet. at the end of it, there was only one person whom my thoughts belonged to. The one whom I left my heart by.

Go to sleep, Lara, just go. He isn’t thinking about you.

Loving him was the most exclusive way of self-destruction, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get him out of my heart. Every piece of that broken thing in my chest still longed for him.

It all fell apart, all of it, everything I believed in. It was as if my nightmare suddenly became a reality. The one where my demon didn’t exist.

But no matter how much I desired him, the two of us were good at many things, just not at being together.

***