Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)
19.

The worst part about it was that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I walked out of the school building. I got to my car. I got home. I opened the front door. I went upstairs only to throw myself heavily on my bed. And that was it.

That was fucking it.

Throughout the whole damn afternoon, I was only capable of lying in bed. My uncooperative brain kept replaying me that one moment over and over again. And my traitorous heart enthusiastically supported him. Even though it collapsed every time I recalled how it felt like to have my demon pressed to my lips.

I sighed, I moaned, I couldn’t bring myself to think of anything else. So pathetic I was.

I needed a distraction, I really needed a distraction. I didn’t hesitate to run downstairs as soon as I heard Jim coming home from work. But I didn’t replace what I was searching for. My uncle looked like he´d just returned from hell.

He was sitting on a sofa with his face in his hands. His coat and his briefcase, thrown away sloppy were an adequate answer to my question whether something was happening. And I froze, seeing him so desperate.

“Jimmie?”

My heart stopped for an instant only to start pounding madly right away. I put myself together, I immediately sat down next to him and hugged him as tight as I could. His head fell on my shoulder and I felt something wet on my neck. Damn! Jim was crying!

“We would celebrate our eighth anniversary today, you know,” he sobbed softly. “I just miss her, I miss her so much.”

I didn’t have to ask who he was talking about, it hit me like a slap into my face. When I moved here, my primary goal was to support Jim. I prepared for anything, any possible situation, but he held up really well. And for a long time. For so long that replaceing him now like this, totally caught me off guard.

I was trying frantically to come up with something that would comfort him. But no, there was blackness in my head. A total emptiness. I realized quite bitterly that I had no idea what I should do. Fuck, yes, I had no idea how to get him out of his depression.

And I started to panic.

I felt pretty helpless, being unable to help him. I could replace the little details he had lost by losing her, I could make him laugh. I was a very good listener, but Jim wasn’t talking right now. And I didn’t know what to say either. This wasn’t the - a girl broke up with me - problem. This was the - the greatest love of my life died and I am absolutely desperate - disaster.

And then it dawned on me.

It occurred to me that there was someone who knew Jim´s heartbroken and lost moods. Someone who had gone through it with my uncle when Veronica passed away. I realized that there was someone who knew how to make Jim get over it once more.

The only problem was that this someone kissed me today.

That this someone hurt me badly and I sworn I would never let him to do that again. That I told him, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. And then he forced me to break all my commitments by touching my lips.

At first, I immediately rejected this option in my head. At first, it was definitely out of the question. But Jim kept crying without any hints of stopping.

I tensed at the idea of ​​what I was about to do, and before I could think about it, I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Before I could analyze it in any way, I quickly tapped a text message behind Jim’s back.

Eric, I need you.

And I hit the send button, I truly did send it. Only to stiffen straightaway. I stopped noticing Jim’s tears for an instant as I realized what kind of a nonsense I actually wrote. Holy crap, he could totally misinterpret it!

I grabbed my phone again, I wanted to correct myself, I wanted to add something but… There it was, his answer already shone on my screen.

I’m on my way.

Well, yeah, I felt a great relief, it literally overwhelmed me. That I wouldn’t have to deal with Jim´s sad face alone anymore. However, the little seed of doubts kept somehow growing inside me. I was afraid, I was really scared that he’d understood me wrongly. I rather picked up my phone for the third time.

I mean, Jim needs you. Not me.

And then I was staring at the text just like a fifteen-year-old girl stares on a positive pregnancy test.

Gosh, I’m so stupid! So stupid!

Did I really send him something like that? Seriously?

I froze when the screen lit up with his answer again.

Auch.

At that moment I simply needed to rest my head on someone’s shoulder as well. Or to burry it in the sand. Or to bang it against the wall. But Jim, still crying, forced me to wake at least the last remnants of my common sense.

I´m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I need your help with Jim. He’s depressed. I don’t know what to do and you know how to help him better than me.

I exhaled a little as I finally wrote something reasonable. Yet, my whole heart tightened when he replied once again.

I know, Dove. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there in ten minutes.

This time, I had no idea what he meant. Whether he understood how I´d meant it and I shouldn’t be worry about how dull my texts were. Or whether he just admitted that he did know Jim better, and I shouldn’t be worried because he was coming. However, at that moment, I didn’t care.

Help was on the way.

I tried to soothe Jim, telling him really weak words of consolation, but I wasn’t satisfied until the front door opened. I didn’t want to let go of my uncle, although holding him in my arms didn’t allow me to turn around much. He looked up in surprise, and I could see closely how pleased he was to see Eric coming.

Yes, Jim was fond of my demon.

“Eric?” A confusion grew in his eyes, I noticed it as he redirected his attention to me. “Do you two have any plans for today?”

“We do,” my demon interrupted my intention to answer. And my heart skipped a beat as I heard his voice again. Immediately afterwards, he almost forced me to yowl as he sat behind me and added: “To get those depressive thoughts out of you.”

Jim laughed between sobs, making me not to regret the decision to get in touch with Eric.

“I called him,” I confessed quietly. And then I stiffened. I stiffened completely as my demon reached out for Jim’s shoulder.

I couldn’t blame him. Not even inwardly. Because with that gesture, he was showing his support to my uncle. Because he couldn’t touch Jim without touching me as my uncle was still hugging me.

Because his touch was still everything I craved for a good three weeks. And at that second, I could perceive nothing else but his chest resting lightly against my back.

The rest of my answer came out of my mouth only automatically: “I think he´s better help than I am.”

“Oh, Honey,” Jim sighed, studying both of us. Me and Eric who basically pressed himself to my back. “I’m glad you’re finally talking to each other.”

Well, I would have a few objection against that, but at that moment I was more than willing to keep them to myself. Because Jim was distracted from tears.

And then, all of a sudden, because why not, I almost had another heart attack. I had no idea whether Mr. Lestrad understood my silence as a consent, but he placed his hand on my back, exceeding my limits of endurance. No, this was simply unbearable.

Fuck, what ’s he doing?

Did he just stroke me?

Lara! Hello! It’s high time to get up!

“What if I bring you a beer? And then I make you something to eat...?” I suggested, trying not to perceive his tender touch. Trying so damn hard to think of something else. Something that wasn’t about to cause an eclipse of my mind and a total collapse of my bloodstream. And Jim’s completely innocent childish gaze caught my attention.

“Like pancakes?” He asked quietly, as if he wanted me to buy him a new toy.

Well, I meant something easier but...

“Sure Jim,” I burst out laughing at his expression. “I’ll make you pancakes.”

And only for the smile that appeared on my uncle´s face, I would be willing to bake a cake if he wanted me to. I slowly released him from my arms and he reached out for the remote.

Soccer. Perfect. The crisis was probably averted.

And then I turned.

Well…, dammit!

I know…

Hell, I know that! I’d already seen my demon today, he´d already mesmerized me with his gaze. Yet, staring at his face, it struck me again as if I hadn’t seen him in a month.

Something still lingered there, he still didn’t seem to be in his skin. As if he was too tired. But I would swear that he looked one hell hotter than I remembered. The sparks I saw flare up in his irises earlier today didn’t disappear. No, they kept burning lively there now.

Now when he returned my attention.

He was sitting right next to me only in stupid jeans and a brown hoodie that clung tightly to his shoulders and biceps. And willy-nilly, I remembered. I recalled the small space behind the curtain, the dim lights, his arms wrapped around my body. I recalled the taste of his lips. Just the idea of his lips and I reliably forgot that I actually wanted to get up from the sofa.

Something tender radiated from his whole expression, yet it didn’t obscure the sadness that was hidden in his eyes. Did he miss me as much as I missed him? Or did he look so miserable because of Jim?

Again and again, for the second time today, I forgot my name when I felt his hand caress my back again.

“Do you need help, Dove?” He asked softly.

What? Help with what?

Recalling my name?

Or getting up from that couch?

He smiled. Goodness gracious, that was one hell of a mesmerizing smile he conjured up. Most probably at my confused expression.

Lara, please! Do something!

Why is he still stroking me? Why is he looking at me like that?

C´mon! Something! Move! Speak!

Damn, why is he so fucking gorgeous?

“With those pancakes,” his smile widened a little. “Do you need help with cooking?”

I sighed with relief. Huge relief.

“No,” I managed to stutter. “But thank you.”

As fast as I could, I cut off our eye contact, got up awkwardly, and literally escaped to the kitchen. I needed it, I needed a minute to collect myself. Nevertheless, even putting all the necessary kitchen tools on counter I was still disconcerted. Yes, only the hellish envoy was capable to bewitch me like that.

I opened the fridge, I just stared blankly at its shelves to realize that I wanted to take eggs, milk, and butter out of it. I searched for them, but yeah, my eyes were blind. I couldn’t concentrate myself. Not when I felt it when I realized that I was no longer alone.

I closed the fridge door slowly, knowing whom I would replace behind it. And I wasn’t wrong.

“Dove,” he whispered as he fixed his piercing gaze on me, “don’t you really need no help, or you just can’t stand my presence?”

Uhm…

What?

I opened my mouth, yet I couldn’t make a sound.

Oh gosh! What are you talking about?

I would die of happiness if I had you with me every minute, every fucking second of the day! If only it didn’t destroy my heart.

“No, Eric, of course not,” I gave up, admitting the truth. “I could use some help, but I don’t want Jim to be alone. He needs you. I would appreciate more if you look after him.”

Maybe there was…, no, I was pretty sure I saw relief filling his eyes. His whole body relaxed, and instead of sadness, an understanding settled in his expression.

“Alright,” he nodded, and he knocked me out. He did, really, with only his smile, he totally knocked me out. “I just... I had to ask.”

I tried to smile as well, and then I just watched him taking the beers out of the refrigerator. He slowly turned heading back to living room.

“Eric?” My mouth spoke suddenly.

I got stuck, I got terrified at what I´d done. Nonetheless, I wanted him to know. And there was no going back when he stopped and looked at me again.

“I ...” Dammit, his divine face was doing crazy things to my brain! “Thank you for coming. Even though you didn’t have any reason to…”

“You said you needed me,” the corners of his lips went wide apart again. But this time, it wasn’t just a smile. It was the most perfect view I’d had the opportunity to see in the last three weeks. And I admit it, it took my breath away. “I didn’t need any other reason. I had to come. I´d do anything you need me to do, Princess.”

Fuck!

How about giving up the rights to my heart?

And to my thoughts?

Let me sleep? Breathe? Live?

I didn’t care, I didn’t fucking care, I couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. Except the fact that he was sitting in the room next door now. A few feet from me. And it wasn’t enough for me, I wanted to have him here, zero inches apart from me.

Being without him didn’t make anything better, nothing had changed at all. I didn’t get used to it. Quite on the contrary, I fell for him even more.

I sifted together all the ingredients, I tried not to think about how much I missed him. But it didn’t help. However, it was questionable whether there was something at all that could help me.

“Oh, c´mon, Jim, don’t hold it all in,” I heard Eric say softly as I was about to enter the living room. Only God knows why, I stood still.

“But I don’t want Lara to see it,” to my horror, my uncle seriously answered something like that. “She´s seventeen! She should enjoy life and not deal with me. She shouldn’t even know what depression is. And speaking of which, why does she look like the end of the world is coming?”

I frowned at the thought of my expression being so obvious. At the thought of my uncle dealing with me, instead of facing his own feelings. This was supposed to be about him, not me!

“Because I’m an asshole,” my demon exhaled defeated. “Because I screwed up big time.”

And I couldn’t listen to it anymore.

I entered the living room, not wondering that they both suddenly fell silent. I almost shook my head in disapproval but then I suppressed the urge. I didn’t want them to know I was secretly listening.

“Jim, would you like a maple syrup too?” I asked.

“No, Honey, thank you,” he smiled. “It would be too sweet then.”

And out of the blue, I felt completely incompetent.

I mixed the batter angrily, unable to understand a single thought from the million ones that were running through my head. Their conversation kept replaying in my head, and I heard every single word they´d said over and over. And I couldn’t stop the tear that fell on my hand.

At that moment, at that very moment, I simply felt sick and tired.

For the last two months, everything had seemed to be wrong. I’d been more depressed than Jim. I didn’t help him feel better. Instead, he held his own misery in and suffered my moods.

And Eric? It bothered me what he thought of himself. It bothered me that he´d called himself an asshole. This whole situation annoyed me.

This wasn’t me.

I´d never been so confused in my life, I´d never dealt with such things before. I hated my disorientation, I hated losing my common sense. I hated how sensitive, how emotional I´d become, and I hated those stupid tears the most.

For heaven´s sake! I hadn´t been crying so much in seventeen years as I cried in last two month!

“Damn!” I cursed quietly as my vision blurred and then, here we go again, I felt the wet path running down my cheeks. I pushed the bowl with batter out of their reach and just leaned helplessly against the counter.

C´mon, girl! Just stop it somehow!

“Dove?”

Fuck!

I blinked, I froze.

Just don’t turn around, okey? He can’t see you like this! Under no circumstances!

Very quickly and as inconspicuously as possible, I tried to wipe those annoying things off my face.

“Yes?” It cost me all my effort to stop my voice from trembling. I managed to sound relaxed, but I still couldn’t turn around. Instead, I bent down, and opened the drawer, pretending to look for something.

“Do you want some more beer? If it’s not in the fridge, you´ll probably replace some in the store room.”

The hand that seized my arm thwarted my further attempt to act casual. Before I could curse again, or at least defend myself, I was forced to stand up, to turn, and to face concern, reflecting on Eric´s face. He studied me in detail, and I could barely stand his intense gaze.

“You’re crying...,” he uttered softly.

Shit!

“What?” I tried to laugh. “No, I’m not.”

But the truth was that I didn’t believe myself either.

I rather turned back to the counter and reached out for the batter. However my demon had other plans. I was forced to face him again when he turned me again. Even that heavy exhalation of my lungs sucked.

“Why are you crying, Dove?” He asked urgently. “Tell me.”

I knew it, I understood that there was no point in beating around the bush. He knew me, he knew me very well. Yet, I didn’t want him to see me like this.

“Talk to me,” a plea crept into his voice. “Please. What happened?”

“Everything and then nothing at all,” I shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. It’s just been too much for me lately. With you. With Jim who doesn’t even need me, he just suppresses his grief. If I wasn’t here, he would have you. He wouldn’t be involved in our fights. I miss the healthy, cheeky attitude of the boys at home. And then you and everything about you. Damn! Stop calling yourself an asshole!”

I was staring at the ground because I wasn’t able to return his gaze. I didn’t even know what to tell him. Suddenly, it felt like there was a confused web of feelings somewhere inside me. I was annoyed by everything. Yet, it was still nothing.

“Do you really mean it?” He laughed softly, forcing me to look at him eventually. And the boy in front of me was staring at me as if I was a cute little girl who had just lost her favorite doll.

“Lara,” his lips caressed my name. “We were sitting in a hospital cafeteria when your dad called and told Jim you agreed to live with him. I remember how Jim, out of the blue, started glowing. He forgot that there was a night shift waiting for him. That the emergency ward was full of patients he needed to care about. At that time, I wondered how such news could have lifted his spirits like that. Already at that moment you changed everything for the better. Since you moved in he looked completely different at work. He laughed more, he was joking again. Suddenly, I didn’t have to try to replace reasons for him not to paint a gloomy picture of everything around him. Suddenly, he talked to me about soccer, he kept calling me to have a beer with him. Because of you, Princess. Not because of me, but because of you.”

I raised my eyebrows as his words surprised me. I couldn’t help it, I looked for his gaze, as I wanted to know whether he meant it honestly or just as a consolation, as something I needed to hear.

He was smiling, my demon gave me an absolutely nonsensically beautiful smile, yet he stepped away from me.

“I wondered,” he muttered, as if he was talking to himself. “Only if I knew back then...”

Something was wrong.

He was smiling, my demon still had a smile on his face, yet I swear, he looked paler than five minutes ago. He blinked, exhaling heavily, he raised his hand and rubbed his chest with it.

“And as for me, I told nothing but truth,” he whispered, letting his gaze fall off me. “I am an asshole...,”

Something was damn wrong.

“I ...,” he suddenly looked pretty disoriented, “I can only blame myself...”

“Eric?” I had to interrupt him. “Are you okay?”

“Sure,” he replied. Nonetheless, he really had to try to keep the corners of his mouth up.

Bullshit.

I hurried to him as soon as he closed his eyes. I made it just in time, I caught him to support him, to keep him from falling. And when he put his arm around my shoulders, when he let me pull him to the kitchen island, I wanted to fuck off his sure at first place. But seeing how awful he looked now, all my rage disappeared. And there was only fear left.

I held him on one side. However my demon was damn heavy, I was forced to press him against the furniture so we both wouldn’t end up on the ground.

“You’re lying to me!” I barked at him, though I was really scared. “What’s happening?!”

“Don’t worry about it, Dove,” he whispered, as if he didn’t even have the strength to speak aloud. “I’ll be fine in a moment.”

Oh, aha!

Except it didn’t look like that at all.

His head dropped, leaning against my neck, his whole expression reflected discomfort. He pressed his hand to his chest, making me realize that he must have been in pain.

“Dammit, Eric! Stop that crap and tell me what´s going on! Are you in pain?”

“Yes,” he raised his head again only to lean his heavy forehead against mine. “My heart is broken, too.”

What?

I took a deep breath, I had to suck some air into my lungs.

Is he kidding me?

He looked like five minutes before dying, and he was joking right now!?

“Damn,” he smiled weakly, though it obviously ached him, “have I ever told you how beautiful you look when you’re so pissed?”

“Stop it!” I guess I started begging. I really did as my fear turned to panic. “Stop making fun straightaway and tell me immediately how I can help you!”

I had every right to panic. I was the one, trying to keep him standing. He was leaning against me! His breath became shallow and accelerated. All the color disappeared from his face letting his black eyes dominate his expression. Yet, there they were, the merry sparks flared up in his irises right after me asking the question.

“Will you kiss me?”

“What?” He threw me off balance. “And how will that help you?”

“Well…,” he smiled, “I’ll be happy.”

Excuse me?

“I’ll stop noticing it at least for a moment,” he muttered, resting his head on my shoulder again.

Noticing what???

“You know, sometimes, I really do have that irresistible urge to break your neck,” I said between gritted teeth. It bothered me how easy he took it, while I was almost dying of fear.

“It won’t help you, Dove,” he whispered, his lips nearly touching my skin. His hand slid down to touch mine, he took me by it to place it on his chest. “You have to focus on my heart. That’s my weakness. That´s the only way you can kill me.”

I must have opened my mouth in surprise. Though I wasn’t sure if he meant it.

“Or your kisses can do well, too,” he moaned. “Damn! Your lips...”

Or he was just kidding.

I was about to scold him, I wanted him to stop with the jokes immediately, and to tell me what happened to him and how I could help him instead. But he made me shut up before I even made a sound.

“And then this,” he said.

And just so, suddenly, no, I didn’t panic anymore. I don’t know… To say I was madly terrified? No, that still wasn’t enough.

“Hell! Eric, please!” I begged, I beseeched. If I hadn’t had to support him, I would have gotten on my knees. “Please tell me what’s going on. Are you sick? What should I do?”

His breath was stuttering. I needed a lot of strength to keep him standing, yet I couldn’t think of a situation in which I would let him go now.

And then came the enlightenment.

I took a deep breath as I wanted to yell at the doctor, who was sitting in the next room, and whom I had completely forgotten about. But it was my demon’s hand that covered my mouth that didn’t allow me to do so.

“No, Princess,” he shook his head with difficulty. “No human doctor can help me. Please, don’t do that. Don´t drag Jim into my mess.”

And just so, suddenly, my last hope died.

“Stay with me like this a little while longer,” he pleaded. Shit, he didn’t have the slightest semblance of what he was asking of me! “It will be over soon, I promise.”

I didn’t believe him, I didn’t believe a single word.

“Eric,” I tried one last time, “there must be something to get you out of this.”

I let him pull me closer so he could lean against me more. I let him breathe slowly on my neck. I let him play with my hair gently. I’d rather didn’t say anything at all when he answered me quietly: “There is, Princess. Only magic can help me out of this right now.”

I swear it was the worst two minutes of my life, but in the end my demon’s breath really calmed down. It deepened, he stopped breathing so shallowly and heavily. And when he raised his head to look at me, when he stayed standing without having to lean against the kitchen island or me, I could feel the immense relief in every cell of my body.

“Thank you, Dove,” he whispered.

Yes, I had millions of questions.

He didn’t look as healthy as before, it was clear to me that something was wrong with him. Still, he certainly didn’t look like he was about to die in a moment.

Although, I almost died when he pressed his lips to my forehead as he straightened up. He ran his fingers through my cheek, looking me in the eye. “Thank you for saving me.”

And he headed back into the living room.

I admit, I made up pretty demented excuses only to have a reason to check up on him, to see whether he was alright. And when I finished making Jim´s pancakes, I didn’t hesitate to sit on the sofa right next to him.

Yes, it was there.

The crooked smile didn’t disappear from my demon´s face for the rest of the evening. It was clearly telling me that he knew. He knew very well that despite my broken heart, I didn’t stop caring.

And he was right.

***