In The Name of Love
26: Expression

Fifi kneels on the ground beside a stone bench, laying out her drawing tools on the bench’s surface. Greta will likely be annoyed by dirt on Fifi’s gown and kirtle, but Fifi can’t help that she has to sit on the ground to have the best angle from which to draw the nearby fountain and the wood anemone blossoms.

She hadn’t originally intended to spend the day here, in a courtyard closest to the hall where visiting nobility spend their days, lounging around waiting for the king to call them into a meeting or need them for something. However, she hasn’t found anywhere else she’d rather be. King Ansgar and Queen Ingrid are sitting in Adelhyod’s most resplendent drawing room with their artist-in-residence, posing for the miniature of them Minna requested to be painted, and as much as she loves Minna, Fifi hates having her portrait painted and intends to evade sitting for her portrait for as long as possible. Minna is in their suite with a flock of seamstresses being fitted for dresses, which Fifi cannot bear to witness, as it reminds her that Minna will be going away in a few short months, never to return. Emrik is with his tutor, listening to a lecture on the witch burnings their great-grandfather ordered near a hundred years ago, a topic Fifi replaces both sad and dull. And so she decided to escape the confines of Adelhyod’s walls, for though she prefers company to solitude, the chance to be outside and escape from life as a princess for a while is more attractive to her than socializing.

“Perfect,” she murmurs to herself, watching the water burble in the fountain and the wood anemone flowers waver in the light breeze. Keeping her eye on the scene, she selects a pen from her supplies and starts to sketch, beginning with the blossoms. Many of her sketchbook’s pages are already filled with renditions of poppies and calla lilies, willowherbs and cinquefoils, and many other flowers whose names she hasn’t learned. Adelhyod’s library is sadly sparse on botany texts, and those it does possess have few illustrations.

Although flowers are her favorite thing to draw, Fifi is hoping to learn something, through trial and error, about capturing water realistically on a page with her pens and inks. Just as she finishes the wood anemones and is about to start on the water, though, a wren perches on the fountain’s stone edge, and Fifi cannot help but start to sketch it, hoping it will stay long enough for her to capture at least its essence. To her delight, the wren hops around a little and then seems to be posing, except for when it dips its head to drink from the water in the fountain’s basin. She cannot help smiling as she draws; Minna’s upcoming wedding and the frenzied preparations inside Adelhyod’s walls have quite left her thoughts, and all that matters to her in this moment are the bird and the sketchbook.

Footsteps crunch on the gravel path behind Fifi, startling her out of her reverie. The wren flutters away as she turns to look behind her, concerned that someone has come to demand her presence inside.

“Forgive me, Princess, for startling you,” Kai greets her with a bow, still several paces away. Unlike during Minna’s Quest for Favor, his hair is in a tight knot on the back of his head, and stubble dusts his jaw.

“Kai! I…wasn’t expecting to see you again. Here.” Fifi fumbles to set her pen and sketchbook on the bench while getting to her feet and brushing the dirt from her skirts.

“Please don’t exert yourself on my account. I can go elsewhere—”

“No, it’s fine. It’s…good to see you. What brings you back to Court so soon?” Fifi sits on one side of the bench, scooting her sketchbook and pens to the edge, and indicates that Kai should set on the opposite end. After a moment’s hesitation, he settles himself on the bench, as well.

“I, uh. Told my father that the king is displeased with him, and that it may be in Lyrnola’s best interests if I took his place here for a while. And my stepmother took my side, because I’m more likely to meet a rich lady to marry here than at home.”

“Oh.” Fifi replaces herself without words at Kai’s admission. “Your stepmother must…share your father’s ambitions, then.”

“Hers may even exceed his, yes. It can make home…uncomfortable.”

“And is Court a more comfortable place for you?”

“Less irksome, at present. I met a few other nobles’ sons, during the Quest for Favor, who could be friends. I had hoped to see them today, but they weren’t in the hall with the other nobles, so I came out here for some fresh air. I didn’t expect to replace you in a courtyard again.”

Fifi blushes slightly. “Yes, I…feel my presence is not wanted inside, just now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone’s busy with preparations for Minna’s wedding, and I…. I don’t want her to go away, but the wedding is in less than four months, and we’ll have to leave before that to get to Zosya in time.” Fifi pauses, replaceing the ground between her feet easier to look at than Kai’s concerned gaze. “I’ve never been without her, you know. My whole life she’s always been there, and we’ve told each other everything, and now she’s going away and getting married and might never come back and they all expect me to just…be fine with that.”

“You have good reason to be upset. I think I would be too, in your place.”

Fifi starts, unused to sympathy from anyone except her mother and Minna. Her eyes leap back to Kai’s face, and she notices that his eyes, which she had thought were brown up to this moment, actually have quite a bit of green in them.

“Thank you. So, with everyone busy, I decided to come out here and draw. I’ve been wanting to get better at water, but then that wren came…”

“You draw?”

“Yes, and I want to paint, as well. Music has always been Minna’s joy, but I prefer to see my art.” Fifi picks up her sketchbook from the bench beside her. Her fingers trace the geometric etchings on the leather cover.

“May I?” Kai asks, gesturing towards the book. After a moment’s hesitation, Fifi gingerly hands it to him. He handles it as though it is some fragile, precious thing, opening the cover as if he is worried he might startle whatever is inside.

The rabbit on the first page does indeed look startled, but it’s not in any way because of Kai. Although it is the first sketch in the book, and Fifi sees a hundred flaws in it at a glance, the animal’s fur is realistically rendered, and its eyes capture the paranoid alertness so common in such creatures. The next page contains a closeup of a rhododendron blossom, and the next a cluster of delicate lily-of-the-valley flowers. As Kai turns the pages, Fifi’s muscles are stiff and her fingers tap frenzied patterns on the bench. It’s the first time she’s let anyone other than her sister see her sketchbook, and she’s desperate to know what Kai is thinking about her art.

“You’re so true to life with these plants,” Kai remarks, stopping on a closeup of pinecones in spruce branches. “I’ve never seen anything so lifelike on parchment.”

“Oh…. You mean it?” Fifi doesn’t know how to react to his praise; looking at the drawing herself, there’s at least half a dozen lines she wishes she’d drawn differently.

“Truly. How long have you been drawing?”

“I’m not sure. Years. Minna and I were taught the basics by a tutor when we were very young, and ever since I’ve been drawing whenever I can.”

“These are impressive. You ought to be proud of your skill. And I can see how you’ve honed your craft over time, looking through this.” He turns a couple more pages and pauses on a sketch of a nuthatch. “The feathers on this one are masterful.”

“They’re not, though. These lines should be lighter, and follow a more natural curve—”

“You’re being too hard on yourself.”

“What do you know about it? Do you draw?”

“I don’t, no, but I’ve studied other arts, and I understand the endless quest for perfection, and feeling like nothing I try is good enough.”

Fifi’s first instinct is to dismiss him, but his earnest expression stills her tongue. For the first time in her life, she feels like someone other than her sister and her mother might actually understand her.

“Besides,” Kai continues, plucking a leaf from one of the nearby wood anemones and holding it so they both can examine it, “nothing in nature is perfect. At first these look symmetrical, but when you study it more closely, there are dozens of tiny, subtle irregularities.”

“I suppose. I just always look at my work and see all the things that need to be practiced more, developed more—all the things I have yet to learn.”

“I know that feeling well.” He looks like he wants to say more, but no more words are forthcoming. Fifi wishes she knew what was going on in his head—why he approached her, why he took an interest in her art, what it is that he’s thinking but won’t say.

Then she hears someone calling her name from somewhere inside Adelhyod. It’s faint, and just one voice, but she knows it won’t stay that way if she doesn’t go back inside soon—and that her parents, at least, would be rather displeased to replace her socializing unchaperoned with an Earl’s son.

“I have to go,” she tells Kai, tone apologetic.

“I understand. Perhaps we shall meet again, if you have a habit of frequenting courtyards.” He hands Fifi her sketchbook, and she gets up and collects her pens and inks.

“Perhaps we will.” She dips her head to him, and then she’s rushing towards the nearest door, a knot of dread tightening in her midsection at the prospect of having to deal with Minna’s wedding and pretend all she feels is joy.

***~O~***

To Prince Didier of Vyrunia,

I hope that your journey back to the Palace of Roses was uneventful and that you have arrived in good health. However, here pleasantries between us must end. Your request that I hide your note from my sister was beyond foolish. My sister and I both made it quite clear, throughout her Quest for Favor, how close we are. We hide nothing from one another. In fact, her apartments and mine are the same rooms, and she was with me when I read your message.

Because of your rashness, Minna was indeed hurt. You made quite a favorable impression on both of us, as I’ve no doubt you intended to do, during her Quest for Favor, but my opinion of you is much the worse for your note. I cannot in good conscience consider a man who caused my beloved sister pain to be anything but my enemy. My intent is that this reply should be the end of correspondence between us. I have nothing further to say to you.

Sincerely,

Princess Josefina of Aethyrozia