Julia Lelieveld and the battle with the underworld
~12~

After I picked up my dress I took the stairs down, not wanting to risk the elevator getting stuck again.

I walked out of the department store towards my bicycle. I automatically looked again at Renzo’s door and the place where he used to park his motorcycle. And he stood there.

I hesitated for a moment whether I should ring the bell. He would probably have enough on his mind and would like to be alone for a while. But on the other hand, I really wanted to see him. And Lucas’s conversation had brought up some questions that I’d like to ask him. I rang the bell and it took a while for him to answer. The intercom cracked.

“Who’s there?” he asked.

“It’s me, Julia.”

“I’ll open the door.”

And with those words, a buzzer sounded and the door unlocked. I closed the door behind me and walked up the stairs to his apartment. Once upstairs, the door to his apartment was open. I carefully stepped inside and looked around. No Renzo.

“Renzo?”

He came walking from the bedroom, wearing only joggers and towel drying his hair. “Hey,” he said, a little hoarse with a shy smile. My stomach jumped.

I walked over to him and kissed him in greeting. He was only too happy to accept this. The indescribable feeling took possession of me again. The minutes passed and finally we were strong enough to break our deep kiss.

I looked at him inquiringly to see if I could tell from his look how he felt. But that didn’t work. But before I could say anything he started.

“Do you want to drink something?”

“Do you have tea?”

He nodded, went to the small kitchen and turned on the kettle. I sat down at his dining table and waited patiently.

A moment later he came over with my tea and a glass of Coke and sat down next to me.

“How are you?” I asked cautiously. He was lost in thought for a moment. He sighed deeply. “It’s complicated. My mother is a very unstable and very impressionable person, which means that she often ends up in the wrong situations. She’s got herself into trouble again and she always calls me.” He shrugged briefly. “I’ve tried to help her and push her in the right direction again.”

“Did that work?” I asked him.

“I think so.”

“It should really be the other way around,” I told him.

He nodded. “I know, but hey, I hope it worked again and she can do it herself now.”

“I hope so for you too.”

He was quiet again. Did I really have to bother him with my questions? He had it hard enough, but then again it was just out of the blue. Otherwise I would just keep walking around with it and start thinking about things that weren’t true at all and only start doubting us. No, that wouldn’t be good. I don’t want to lose what Renzo and I have.

“I just talked to Lucas,” I said cautiously.

He was immediately alert and looked at me with all his attention. “What happened?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I went to get my dress for the Christmas ball.” And I pointed to the bag that lay with my coat. “And before the elevator closed Lucas came running into the elevator and before the elevator went up the power went out and we were stuck in the elevator. We talked about our powers and the feelings that go with them. It was quite a surprising conversation.”

I knew Renzo didn’t like it, but I had to be honest with him. What’s the point if he later found out for himself and drew conclusions that weren’t true at all.

“But since we’ve been talking like that, I actually want to ask you something.”

He looked at me carefully. Oh, this wouldn’t sit between us, would it? What if he got angry? I immediately regretted bringing this up.

“That’s okay,” he said honestly and sincerely. Surprised at his calm tone.

“What happened to make you turn against your own faith?” I looked at him carefully. He looked at his hands. His jaw tense and his eyes sad. Shit, I should have kept my mouth shut.

“Sorry, ignore the fact that I asked, this is none of my business.”

I took his hand and he looked up. His pained look hurt me. I was also very tactical at times.

“No, it’s good that you ask. I would never tell you on my own. And I have to tell you sometime.”

I immediately felt a sense of guilt come over me, he was right. As much as I had to tell him about what happened to Mom.

“You have to do what makes you feel good and what you stand for, nothing else.”

I looked at him apologetically.

He shook his head and looked at me sincerely.

“I was fourteen. We still lived in the big city and we all felt a practitioner nearby. My father was over the moon, as was Lucas. It was contagious, I too was driven to replace and eliminate the practitioner. When I had to get a errand the next day, I felt her. It was a girl of just 17. She was small for her age. Her blond curls hung on her shoulders and her blue eyes looked at me innocently.” He shook his head again. He had a hard time with it.

“I followed her to the alley behind the shop and confronted her with her fate of being a practitioner. She didn’t even know herself. She had noticed changes, but no other practitioner or elementor had shown her the way. So she couldn’t defend herself either.”

I looked at him startled, was he really going to say what I feared? Would he really have done it?

“The fight didn’t last long. I left her there in that alley like she was worth nothing. I was sick of it. How could I do such a thing, why had I come to the point where I could hurt her? The innocent girl with her blond curls, left lifeless in an alley as if she were a piece of dirt.” He got up and walked away from me and looked out the window. I was frozen, I couldn’t do anything anymore.

“From that moment on I knew it was wrong, that what I’d trained for all my life and my whole life was about. Everything was a lie. I never went back home, afraid of what I would do. That I would hurt my father and brother too. I was so horrified with my descent, with myself. I went back to my mother. Lucas and my father couldn’t bear the fact that I had left, because of what I had done. I was a real e-warrior. That should be a party. Just the thought made my stomach turn. Lucas made sure there was evidence that I was involved, that I was going to jail. Not that I was guilty of murder, but I had influence. They hoped that I would be out of their lives for good. As an e-warrior, you cannot kill your own kind. They had turned several people against me in prison. I was meant not to survive. To stop being an e-warrior is the greatest betrayal that exists in our circles.”

He paused and felt his left chest. I knew what he was feeling, his tattoo. “They were wrong, I survived and now I’m here. Fighting by your side. Something completely against our faith. I will never, ever forgive myself for what happened. What I did to that poor girl. The fact that I was so firmly convinced that I was doing the right thing at the time makes me so very angry. I am torn by it every day.” He put his head in his hands.

Cautiously I stood up and placed my hand calmly on his back. I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t say anything. That he could have done this was something I couldn’t accept at this point. There is just a father and mother who have lost their daughter, how much grief he has caused others.

He turned slowly and looked at me, his look was intensely sad. I don’t know how I looked, shocked, disgusted, horrified? But his eyes widened and in that moment he knew that something had changed between us.

“Julia?” he asked, startled.

The tears in my eyes ran down my cheeks.

“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I’m just so afraid it will affect us. I can’t imagine life without you.”

He grabbed me and hugged me. So fiercely and intense that I had nowhere to go. It made me anxious and freed myself from his grip. He admitted it dejectedly. “Renzo, I just don’t know what to say.” I looked at him sadly.

“What are you thinking of?”

“Do you really want to know that?”

He nodded hard.

“You’ve taken a life, a daughter. You killed someone. I don’t know if I can live with that.”

His face went emotionless and he looked at me blankly.

“I need time to process this. I know you didn’t know any better at the time and that it changed you, but it just feels so contradictory. The way we feel together, so intense, I have literally and figuratively exposed myself to you. I honestly feel betrayed.”

I looked away from him, the look in his eyes tore me apart. But I had to tell the truth, I had to tell what I thought about it, otherwise I would never be able to look at him honestly again.

As if he were someone else entirely, he said in an emotionless, slightly angry tone, “I’m not the only one who doesn’t tell everything.”

I looked at him with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”

“That you withhold something from me too, something about your past, about your mother.”

I breathed in and out quickly, now I started to get angry too.

“That’s low of you.”

“Not at all, I’m just telling you my worst nightmare, something I am daily torn by and tormenting and punishing myself with. And then you react like this?”

He looked at me with horror. “Renzo, you killed someone! And then you think it’s crazy that I react like that? Excuse me, but I can’t forget that so easily. I know you’ve changed now, I don’t feel safer with anyone else than you. My feelings for you have not changed, you still mean a lot to me. But I just need time.”

“Why won’t you tell me?” he asked sadly.

I clenched my teeth and thought, I might as well tell it now. We were having a shitty moment anyway.

“She was killed, okay, by two possessed men. Possessed of evil. The evil we fought against Lucas. She was murdered in front of my father and me, and I was so lucky to have survived.” And I pointed mad at my scar. I was completely done with it. Renzo looked startled and said nothing.

I turned and grabbed my bag and jacket and walked out the door. He didn’t stop me. Once down the stairs and into the shopping street, I lost my self-control and started to cry. Jesus, that was the second time in a few days. I got on my bike to avoid the crowds and stopped at the old industrial area. I lowered myself against the wall of an old factory and stared straight ahead. What a nightmare. Would it still be like before? I am afraid not. That thought tore me up inside, it felt so good with Renzo. I thought I had found my soulmate, and now this. I sobbed loudly, it became too much for me. I couldn’t keep control anymore. I closed my eyes and concentrated on nature, the elements. The fifth element gave me back control. I tried to breathe in and out slowly and clear my mind. Numb I got back on my bike and without realizing it I suddenly stood in front of my house. Dad was still at work. I immediately went upstairs and without eating or showering I went to bed. I was empty.