Just One of the Guys
Twenty

Corbin

I'm lost in my own thoughts, going over everything that was said between Knox and me today, and then everything that was just said between him and his friends at the table. From the way they spoke, having me in his life has affected his performance on the court, and not in a good way.

Basketball is his *thing* though: the one thing that helps him to escape the horrors of what happened to his sister. His escape, when he's lost in his own head and needs a reprieve from all the thoughts that are keeping him locked in there. If me being in his life is putting something so important to him at risk, then what I'm doing by putting distance between us is the right move, for more reasons than just his safety.

Not only could I not be able to handle it if he got hurt because of me, but if he lost himself because of me too...

I'm still thinking about the effect having me in his life has had when I turn the corner and replace Knox kneeling against the wall near our apartments.

I just freeze for a moment, standing there, taking him in, seeing that he's clearly struggling with something, and trying to see if I'm even the person to help him, or if I should go get Colt or one of the other guys that he's closer to. "Knox," I call softly, not wanting to intrude but approaching him with caution, afraid one wrong move will make him shut down, if he'll even talk to me at all.

Stopping a few feet away, I take him in, his face is buried in his hands, his fingers digging into his hair, clenching, and unclenching around the strands.

"Are you okay?" I ask, deciding to try to feel him out before I decide on whether I should alert his friends or not. If need be, I'll shoot them an SOS text. Walking around until I'm in front of him, I kneel down so that I'm on his level, needing to see his eyes.

Knox raises his head, dropping his hands and glaring at me.

"Fuck! Just keep on walking, Corbin," he grinds out as a mask slips over his face, effectively blocking anything that he's feeling from me. When I don't leave, he heaves a sigh.

"I mean it, go, haven't I been enough of an asshole to you?" he asks, the heat leaving him by the time he's finished the sentence.

"Knox, you-" he cuts me off, not allowing me to finish what I was going to say.

"I'm an asshole, Corbin. I've been nothing but an asshole basically since you first walked through those doors."

I'm completely taken aback by the revelation, not having expected that at all.

"I don't deserve for you to be nice to me. I've been an ass and you didn't even do anything to make me be that way towards you."

At the same time that he utters these words, his mask drops, and he looks at me as though I have the answers to his problems.

I don't, but that doesn't mean that I can't try to make a crappy situation better.

"I'm sorry," he continues, the pained look on his face pulling at my heartstrings and not allowing me to remove myself from the situation, as my gut tells me I should.

"Bloody hell, I'm such an asshole!" he swears, his shoulders drooping. The confidence he typically carries is gone, nowhere to be found.

"Why would you say that?" I ask as I reposition myself against the wall, sitting down next to him.

I pull my knees up, resting my good arm on them as I rest my head on my hand, my attention on him.

"Do you really want to do this?" he asks, his eyes locked on something across the hall from us. "Why do you care? Why are you being nice to me?"

With a shrug, I say, "We're all assholes sometimes. That doesn't mean that we're always assholes or that we don't need for someone to look past the hard veneer that's used to block everyone else out."

Knox nods but doesn't say anything else.

"From experience, I've learned that when we treat others cruddy, it's typically because we have something within ourselves that we don't like. But instead of facing it, we lash out, trying to bring everyone else down that's around us," I mutter, hoping he understands what I'm saying.

He's not a bad person. I've seen who he is underneath the persona that he gives off around all these other guys and it's not the guy that I've gotten to know, that I've spent time watching movies and making out with.

If I've learned anything from being a double agent in this screwed-up situation, it's that Knox puts up a good front but the person that I've gotten to know, that's who he really is.

"Gentry's not bloody wrong," he grates out after several awkward minutes of silence and pulling me from my thoughts. "I do usually only keep a girl around long enough to fuck her, maybe long enough for a few fucks, but then I'm on to the next piece of ass I can replace. I'm a goddamn wanker."

I don't know what to say, but I can tell that he's trying to work it all out in his head. "I never thought it was a big bloody deal, only thought about getting my bloody dick wet, but...."

"Now you're rethinking everything?" I ask, thinking that I'm following along with what he's trying to say.

"I don't want to be that guy anymore. I don't want to be a wanker who uses girls, objectifying them as nothing more than a bloody hole to stick my dick in."

"Fuck..." he grumbles, dragging his hands down his face again, continuing to stare at the space between his shoes.

"Is it..." I start to ask if it's me that's causing him to question who he is, but I can't put that on myself. There has to be something else that's causing this kind of reaction.

"What prompted this?" I finally managed to spit out. "Was it just because of what Gentry said?"

"No," he says, shaking his head, then breathing out a sigh, he continues, "it's this girl." He doesn't elaborate any more, but for me, he doesn't need to. I know what he's talking about. *Me.*

*How am I supposed to wrap my head around that kind of confession? That's some heavy stuff to put on a person*.

We haven't even spent very much real, meaningful time together. Yeah, we've found ourselves wrapped up in one another, and we spent the night watching movies just the two of us until Colt came home, and then we actually had to watch the movie. But is that really enough to have that much of an impact on someone? I mean, I still get to see him every single day. He doesn't get to see Averi, not really. Instead, his communication is limited to texting and phone conversations. And as of this afternoon, I've even cut him off from those now, too.

"I haven't spoken about her much, but Colt is right, she's different. I don't know what it is about her but...she's not like the other girls," he states, his voice low.

He shrugs his strong shoulders, glancing over at me, searching my face to see how I'm reacting to his revelation.

I'll be honest, I'm trying really hard to keep a straight face and not let any of my emotions show.

"I don't want her to just be a once was, like the rest of them. She makes me want to be better."

Burying his face in his hands again, he murmurs, "I'm bloody losing it."

"Are you saying that you want to be a better person for *her*, or for *you?*" I ask, because as humbled as I want to be by that revelation, it's also a scary one. But a person has to change for themselves, not because of someone else. If he does it for me, it will never work, no matter how much he wants it or can convince himself otherwise.

"Both?" he says, chuckling. "I know that you can't change for someone else. I guess it's not for her as much as it's because of her.

Okay, I can understand and accept that answer.

"Does she share your feelings?" I ask. I know that I do, otherwise, I wouldn't even be risking everything to be with him, but I need to know what he thinks.

"I don't know. I think so, maybe...she confuses the hell out of me if I'm being honest." He's quiet for several moments before speaking again. "But, she makes me feel things that I've never felt before. Good things and I don't want to bloody ruin her. I don't want to ruin what makes her beautiful and light, innocent and amazing. The things that make her...*everything.*"

He whispers the last word, saying it more to himself than to me.

I have to look away from his penetrating gaze for a moment, feeling my emotions slipping through my mask, afraid that he will see the effect that his words have had on me. They're overwhelming and everything that a girl could ever dream of a guy saying. And obviously Corbin wouldn't or shouldn't be affected by them.

*But how could he possibly ruin me?*

"Why do you think you would ruin her?" I ask once I've managed to get my emotions under control.

"I'm toxic." Wait, what?

"No, Knox, why would you..."

I would have never thought that this confident, powerhouse of a guy would see himself this way. He always seems so happy and in control. He almost always has a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. It definitely goes to show that you never truly know what is going on beneath the surface.

"But I am, Corbin. Look at how I've treated you and for what reason and you bloody heard what Gentry just said about me."

"Knox, *you're being too hard on yourself. You're only human.'* Only I don't get more than his name out before he cuts me off, hitting his fist against the floor, his eyes pinched shut.

"Damn it, I've probably already bloody started eking my toxicity into her. How could she ever want a wanker like me?"

This is a defining moment. He's on the verge of a breakdown and I don't even know how to respond. My heart breaks open at the vulnerability of his words, the broken look in his gorgeous dark chocolate eyes as he watches me for some kind of a reaction, searching the depths of my own eyes for something that I can't give him.

No matter how badly I want to curl up in his lap, wrapping my arms around his torso. I want to comfort him and do anything and everything within my power to ensure that he knows that I don't care about who he used to be. All that matters, all that I care about is who he is *now*. Just like he's done with me. But I can't comfort him in that way, no matter how desperately I want to.

We keep our place against the wall in silence, everything that he said hanging in the air between us. The sound of other students making their way down the hallway brings us both out of the reverie.

Glancing at me, Knox stands up and nods his head in thanks before making his way towards his place.

I get to my own, close and lock the door, then slide to the floor as I try to not lose it.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Leading a double life the way I am, putting myself and everyone around me in danger.

I thought going to that party as myself was a good idea. And in a sense, it was because it was something that I needed. But look at the mess that I've caused since that night, because of what I *did* that night. Who I *was.*

My phone buzzes with a notification of an incoming text. It's then that I remember that I have messages from Knox from dinner that I was unable to check.

Pulling my phone out, I replace three unread messages.

All from Knox.

Knox: I'm sitting here having dinner with my guy friends but all I can think about is you.

Knox: We play Berkshire this coming week here at Endover. Think you could possibly make it?

Knox: I'm really sorry for this afternoon. I don't know what kind of situation that you're in the middle of, but I wish you would trust me enough to let me try to help you.

There's no reason to be sorry because he didn't do anything wrong. I'm not pulling away because of him. I'm pulling away *for* him. It's not a matter of trust, *because* I do, I do trust him, as crazy as that may seem, but can't he see that I'm trying to protect him?

I wish I could just tell him the truth. I also wish I could tell him that he's an amazing person, regardless of what he thinks, but I can't, not only because he had that conversation with Corbin, but also because *you're not talking to him Averi.* *Stop doing this to yourself.*

**Knox: Maybe now I'll be on your mind too.**

*As if he's ever far from it.*

As if to torture me even more, my phone vibrates again, this time it's a picture.

It's of him, holding his phone up above him while he's lying in his bed, his shirt's off, giving me a full view of his incredible physique, one of his arms behind his head as the other holds the phone out to take the picture.

He is so sexy and big.

His shoulders are thick with rippling muscle, arms just as thick and defined. He has an eight-pack with a line of dark hair that leads from the bottom of his belly button into his athletic shorts. His torso is lean and cut with defined muscle that makes that sexy as hell Adonis belt leading to wonderland. His signature smirk and smoldering eyes are on point.

Staring at his picture, and thinking about how sweet he's been, how protective he can be, how loyal he is. He is amazing and damn, it's hard to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing, not when it's in opposition to what my heart wants. **Averi: Knox...**

**Averi: Please...you're making this really freaking hard. So much harder than it has to be.**

**Knox: I've got something that is really fucking hard.**

*Dammit! Ugh!*

As hard as I try to fight it, needing to be mad at him, I can't suppress the grin that plays at my lips when my phone rings and it's Knox wanting to video chat. I look around, making sure that there isn't anything that could give me away in my apartment, and then pick up the call before it ends. As soon as I answer, all I see is his handsome face filling my screen.

"Hi beautiful," he growls in that deep voice of his, causing my heart to pick up its pace as it beats in my chest. Instead of replying, I just hit him with a shy smile, my face flushing like a tomato.

"Are you trying to bloody kill me woman?" he says this while looking straight at me through the phone, "Bloody hell, I'm trying to be a gentleman but you're making it damn hard."

"Oh, yeah? How hard exactly?" I purr, baiting him. Afterward, I laugh because although flirting is fun, I know I'm playing with fire and we're both going to end up either burnt or with nothing but ashes left of either one or both of us. "So bloody fuckin' hard, babe," he growls, his already almost onyx-colored eyes darkening even further if that's even possible.

"Knox..." I whisper, I watch him as he shifts around on his bed, "Maybe...maybe we shouldn't..."

"Dammit, woman," he growls as his head falls back against his pillow, "You really are trying to killing me," the sound of him groaning sounds through the phone, followed by a muttered, "fuck."

"I'm going to hang up now because, with the way I'm feeling at the moment, I don't want to do something that we may both end up regretting later." Knox bites his lip, an almost pained expression on his face.

"Are you okay?" I ask, suddenly concerned.

"I'm really trying to be a gentleman and treat you with the respect that you deserve, Averi." He mutters, almost panting.

"Knox!" I holler, really getting worried about him, "Are you okay. What's wrong? Is there anything I can do to help?"

He laughs through the phone, but it's a near breathless laugh. "I'm trying to get off here, I am so damn turned on right now. And I know that if I don't hang up, I'll likely push things in a direction that I probably shouldn't. Not yet at least." *What?*

*He may end up doing some...oh.*

*Oh my Jesus!*

"Oh...I-I'm sorry..." I say meekly.

I can feel the heat in my cheeks and know that I'm a damned tomato again.

"Goodbye, babe," he utters, a deep moan coming from his side of the line just before ending the call.

*Holy hell!*

**Averi: I'm really sorry.**

**Averi: I don't really know what else to say.**

**Averi: Take care? Maybe?**

I stare at the picture that he sent me of himself, nearly giddy with happiness.

**Ugh!**

I'm supposed to be keeping my damn distance, not thinking about how happy he makes me feel and how I hope beyond anything that this isn't too good to be true. Luck doesn't seem to be on my side, and I don't want the other shoe to drop where Knox and I are concerned. I want to bury my head in the sand and be ignorant of the monsters that may be lurking in the dark. I want Knox and I to just be able to be together, even if it's in our own little bubble. Picking *Harry* back up, I replace the place that I last left off and begin reading. Sometimes fantasy is better than reality. And other times, your reality seems like a fantasy.

I think I'd rather straddle the line that sits somewhere between the two-where your reality is like that of your fantasies.

In my perfect fantasy, there would be no monsters hiding in the corners just waiting to strike: then I wouldn't have to be afraid that those who are important to me are at risk of getting hurt. Knox is already my perfect guy but, in my fantasy, we would be able to actually be together without hesitation.

I'm lost in my thoughts about Hogwarts and *Harry* long forgotten when my phone buzzes with incoming texts.

**Knox: Oh, you really are cute.**

**Knox: Do you think I can see you again soon?**

**Knox: I still want to take you out on that date I promised you.**

**Averi: We really shouldn't...**

**Knox: Why do you keep shutting me out?**

**Averi: It's not safe.**

**Knox: What's not safe? This is now the second time that you've said that.**

**Averi: Being with me isn't safe, Knox.**

There, I said it. Now he knows why I keep pulling away. I don't want to, but I have to.

**Knox: Why isn't it safe? Averi, talk to me, what's going on?**

**Knox: Because I don't give a fuck about any danger, Averi. I'm not scared. I just don't want to lose you.**

Maybe you're not, but you should be because you could lose so much more than just me.