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38

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked Finn, who was sitting at the island, studying on his laptop. I'd finished mine while Finn was at practice this morning. We didn't have classes today because it was Sunday. It's only been two days and I'm already driving myself crazy. I had forced Finn to go in this morning so he and Jason both returned to practice today.

Apparently they were telling people that I had a family emergency that I had to deal with. Finn let Coach know that I had a miscarriage and almost bled out. He seemed to understand that we wanted to keep that under wraps. I didn't think a miscarriage was something you needed to broadcast to all your friends if they didn't know you were pregnant in the first place.

I would have to tell Emma but I hadn't seen her since we left classes on Friday. Those were last few hours while I was happy.

It was only day two, but my mood hadn't improved. I was bored, in pain, mentally torturing myself, and I couldn't have sex. To say I had a crappy attitude was an understatement. And while I didn't want to die at all, there was still a part of me deep down that still wished I had. This world was a cruel place and we couldn't always control our thoughts.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal. I don't want to diminish the seriousness of people who suffer from those thoughts, but there was defiantly something there.

Finn closed his black laptop and placed it on the glass coffee table before standing and coming into the kitchen area. He shuffled through the fridge before pulling out kale, garlic, and a head of cauliflower. "What are you doing?" I asked when he set them on the island counter and moved around me to grab to pans and a food processor from one of the lower cabinets beside the stove.

"Making dinner?" His statement was more of an 'are you stupid' question. I guess I deserved that, I had been blowing him off all day with blank responses or shrugs. I hadn't been in the mood to talk since we got home from the hospital yesterday and had that heart to heart with him.

Despite the fact that I had been ignoring Finn all day, I was still annoyed with his response. "I can do it myself." I said curtly while getting a cutting board from another cabinet and pulling a knife from the wooden block. "I'm not handicapped, you know."

"Yes, well you had a hemorrhage three days ago. Excuse me for being worried." Finn replied back in the same sharp tone. It was obvious to me that he was annoyed with my attitude and actions.

"The doctor said to avoid strenuous activity. I don't think making dinner gets me that worked up." I snapped at him. My jaw was tight as I picked up the bagged cauliflower and unwrapped it. I cut the cool vegetable in half before turning it so I could cube it before putting it into the food processor.

"I just want you to heal well." Finn's tone was defensive. His own muscles were wound tightly too. I could tell we were about to get in another fight but I didn't particularly care. I was pissed off at the world and I had let it out on someone. Finn don't deserve it but I was too blinded by annoyance to notice.

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I need something to distract me from my depressing thoughts?" I didn't snap at Finn his time, but my tone was still aggressive and on edge. I bussied myself with cutting our dinner so I wouldn't loss my cool. If I got this tense after two days, I don't even want to know what a week would look like. Maybe my medication was affecting my mood.

"No, because you don't talk about your feelings except for the five minutes when you told me how you wanted to die because you felt guilty. Obviously you are feeling a lot more than guilt." Finn argued in a scarily calm voice. It was that way your parents spoke when they were trying to hold back from screaming at your worthless ass.

"Don't you tell me to talk about my feelings." I stopped cutting, and harshly placed the knife on the counter, not quite slamming it down. My eyes snapped up to Finn who was removing the Kale from the stems. "That's hypocritical and you know it. All you've said is how you thought I was going to die. Do you even care that we lost our child?"

Finn dropped the greens and his fingers grasped the edge of the counter so hard, his knuckles turned white. His normally loving green eyes looked cold and deadly like when I first met him on that field. I'm sure my face looked just as pissed off as I had that day, with my tense shoulders and furrowed brow. "How dare you even say that." Finn was quietly seething now. The volume of his voice should have scared me but I was to agitated to notice. "You're the one who refuses to open up. I almost lost the two things I love most in the world. Don't tell me I didn't care about one of them because I'm choosing to focus on the fact that the other one survived."

I opened my mouth to talk but Finn wasn't done yet. His voice was slightly raised now, louder than usual but no where near yelling. "If you want to call me a hypocrite then fine. I'll talk about my feelings. I'm devastated that we lost our child and there was nothing either of us could have done to stop it. I'm worried that you are going to drift away because I want us to come out of this stronger, not weaker. And I'm confused and angry at myself because you keep brushing everything I do or say to you off like you're mad at me. I feel like you're blaming me for getting you pregnant in the first place!"

"That's the dumbest bullshit I've ever heard. I wouldn't be mad at you for getting me pregnant." I muttered, meaning to continue but Finn cut me off again.