"Jake, it shouldn't have happened, we crossed a line." She glanced his way, softening her tone the way she did at work when she was trying to soothe a bad mood over some shitty business meeting. She was pandering to him, and he couldn't fucking stand it over this. He lost the last ounces of control on his temper.
"And there she is! Right back to square one." The sarcasm was thick in his tone. His body stiffening in his seat with sheer anger and heartbreak fighting each another for control.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She turned at him angrily.
"Anytime you get close, Emma, even a hint of letting go, you snap right back in and shut the door. No conversation, no acknowledgment of it, just wham. Over!" He barked at her, letting his anger loose, unable to stop the infernal ache in his gut from leaking out.
"What?" She hissed with a sardonic laugh. "Because I won't sleep with my boss? I'm not letting myself go? That's being closed off?" She turned away anger flaming her face, body seething rage, and he wanted to punch the goddamn windscreen so badly.
"I don't think there was any doubt about it last night. It's not the issue... it's the afterwards, Emma." His voice was laced with venom, anger seething from every pore, his body tense. He had never been on this side of it before, women had always wanted more from him, and he hadn't felt anything. Knowing that was now Emma's stance got to him more than anything ever had in his life, knowing what she was probably thinking right now because he had been that same cold bastard so many times.
"I was drunk... being stupid, anyone can make a mistake!" She huffed and stayed looking away from him. Shifting herself away so she could turn her body from him toward the door. Jake felt that surge of complete ache hit him hard, rage kicking in and he slammed the car to a halt with his foot hitting the floor on the brake pedal. Uncontainable pain oozing from every pore.
This wasn't her ... his Emma was not this cold-hearted, unfeeling bitch who just slammed sex like that; who dismissed last night as a drunken mistake not worth mentioning.
Everything loose in the car flew around them dramatically but he didn't care, he needed to get out and away from her before he ripped the goddamn steering wheel off and used it to smash the windscreen out. He felt her looking his way as he hauled off his belt and got out of the car. Stalking far away from it and leaving the door wide open, walking to the cliff edge to try to regain some control over the huge swarm of painful emotions consuming him right now. For a second, he had an urge to jump off the fucking cliff just so it would stop. He dragged in a few deep breaths to cool his jets, simmer his mood until he had contro
once more.
His pain dulled down as sheer anger overtook him, anger that she would be this way about last night. Anger that despite knowing it would turn out this way, he had still gone down this fucking route. Anger that he hadn't just left it alone and enjoyed a day on the beach with her doing anything except this shit. He was a fucking moron.
Calmer, he turned back and slid into the car once more, swallowing it down, breathing hard.
He knew there was no way of coming out of this conversation now and he had to do this, for his own sanity if nothing more. Things between them couldn't keep going on this way and last night had been a final line for him. He couldn't stay loving a girl who only wanted friendship.
"It's not about sex, Emma," he said quietly putting his hands back on the steering wheel to give him a point of focus, but he didn't start the car. "It's about this eternal need in you to stay in full control. Never letting anyone in, never letting yourself enjoy anything and letting your guard down." It was about her inability to love him the way he loved her and as much as he tried to skirt around the issue, there was no getting away from it anymore. It was make or break time.
"That's not true," she replied defensively, looking at him like a wounded rabbit caught in headlights. His gut aching again that he was doing this to her right now.
"Really? Emma, I've been with you for months now, I've seen just about every version of you there is ... Tired, grumpy, bossy, happy, PMSing like fuck." He was calmer, her sad expression simmering the heat of his temper, but his voice was strained, that edge to his tone that hinted at anger bristling below the surface.
"I've seen vulnerable only briefly." He glanced at her and she looked away a little too quickly. "I get it, Emma ... you're strong, you want everyone to see that. You don't need anyone, but it's not who you are... and it's not true."
He didn't want it to be true, he wanted her to need him.
"Yes, it is. Do you ever think that maybe you overthink it and try to see stuff that isn't there?" she spat angrily, turning to him frostily and glaring him down in that way she intimidated people at work. He didn't even blink at it, he knew this look on her was nothing more than a defense mechanism to make people back off.
"I think I know you better than most people." He sighed, knowing this was going nowhere that he wanted it too. He did know her, knew that he was fighting a losing battle and he no longer knew why he was even trying.
"What if I don't know how else to be, Jake?" She turned to him accusingly "You keep pushing keep telling me to let go but what if I can't? What if this is me ... this is all I know... I'm not capable of doing it any other way because I don't know how." She started yelling at him, eyes brimming with emotion and he couldn't help but ache. Even mad she was too beautiful for words, mad and closing him down little by little. All he was ever going to get was last night, the memory of a kiss that he wanted one more time.
Throwing caution to the wind and knowing this would probably make her madder than hell he thought "fuck it" and threw his lips against hers. Without hesitation, his mouth molded to hers and lips searched hungrily for the feeling of completion she gave him. He was surprised when she responded to his kiss and opened her mouth to meet his. Jake felt every part of him sag into her, his hands replaceing their own way into that soft hair, tangling his fingers, and pulling that sweet mouth closer. Tongues gliding against one another, lips perfectly connected and the easy motion of two people so right to kiss each another that it made him die a little inside. He felt her fingers travel up his chest and tangle in his shirt collar, tugging him toward her and his heart soared.
Maybe he had been wrong about this and she was finally letting go.
Tilting her head more to accommodate his mouth on hers, giving as much to him as he was to her, not breaking the embrace but pushing it higher and hotter. Breathing heavily and getting lost in the sensation of the kiss equally. They both moaned lightly as the kiss deepened, soft lips and intense feeling pushing him on.
He wanted her closer, needed to feel that body he longed for against him. Letting go with one hand and sliding down to replace her belt buckle he unclipped it. Sliding an arm around her waist he pulled her into his body as best he could in the small confines of the car, pressing as much as he could have her to him hungrily. Praying for seconds longer to enjoy this but feeling her start to lose the passion between them. Her hands loosened their hold on his shirt, her kissing keeping time with his, but he could feel her reluctantly pulling back as her palms turned to his chest and she gently started pushing him away. Disappointment, anger, heartbreak all colliding at once as he reluctantly pulled away from her and sat back, letting her go dramatically, no longer able to keep his emotions in check. He looked at her with such devastation.
י
"That's exactly what I mean!" he bit in pain. "This is your biggest enemy, Emma ... not me." He tapped her temple with a finger, an extreme crushing pain in his chest as he watched her soft expression move back to cold defensive PA mode, back behind her safe barriers.
"Why did you do that?" she spat at him, both breathing hard and trying to regain composure.
"To prove a point," he snarled and turned away. He had no point to prove, just a longing to kiss her one more time and feel everything he had felt once more to savor it because deep down he knew it would be the last fucking time. This was over.
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