The Falcon Ridge Series Book 1 She's Not For You
Chapter 38

(Chapter song ‘Linger’ by The Cranberries)

RIVER

"FUCK!" I scream out in my room. Throwing whatever was close by.

Seeing Anna had my wolf and me losing our shit. She’s too beautiful to have to suffer with me.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't talk to her. My guilt was too strong. My pain was so near the surface, she'd see it in an instance and I didn't want her too. I wanted to just walk away. Spare her from the feelings of blaming me for hurting her.

When she begged me to tell her why, I stood my ground. I’m not going to let her forgive me. I broke my promise to her and to David. I promised to never hurt her. I promised to protect her at all costs, but she did get hurt by my own fucking hands.

I grabbed a lamp, screamed out a growl and threw it against the wall. It smashed into pieces which flew everywhere.

I guess my dad heard it because he busted into my room.

My room was trashed, my chest was heaving. My teeth were gritted. I'm sure my wolf was showing. My eyes were filled with hurt.

My dad stood there with confusion. "Son?" He said quietly.

His words were like kryptonite for my anger. Pain and hurt flooded my system like a water dam break. Suddenly, I'm a little kid who needed his dad. My chin quivered as I looked in my father's eyes. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

He rushed over to me, almost tripping on the broken shit all over the floor. He grabbed the back of my neck and held my forehead to his shoulder. "Hey...Hey now." He clapped and rubbed my back.

I cried hard. Holding onto his arms for dear life.

He held me. “Son. River. What's going on?"

"It's over, dad." I choked.

"What's over?" He says with confusion.

I raised my head and scrubbed a hand down my face. "Anna. It's over." I place my hands on my hips and look at the floor.

He rubbed the back of his neck, looking around the ground zero disaster of my room. He put his arm around me. "Come on. Let's go sit downstairs."

I nod. Hanging my head in shame.

Once downstairs, my father sits me down on one of the couches. "You want a drink?"

I nod, leaning on my knees.

"Ok." A few minutes later, he comes back with two glasses of bourbon. I pound mine back in one gulp. My dad smirks. "Good thing I brought the bottle." He pours me another.

He sits on the coffee table across from me. "Ok. Tell me what's going on."

I tell him everything. How me and Anna met, how we've been sneaking around. How I had to hurt her. Everything.

I lean back in the couch. "I can't do it, dad. I can't face her. Not now. I fucking hate myself. I mean, what kind of douche does that do his girl?" I down the rest of my drink and stick the glass out for another one.

My dad sighs as he pours the glass. "Well, it's definitely tough. I can see where you're coming from. I know I certainly couldn't do that to your mother, but then I've never been in a position where I had to." He sips his drink. "You sure you can't talk to her."

I shake my head. "I can't. To see the pain...in those..." I shake my head again and lean forward. "In her gorgeous eyes, dad. It guts me. To know the scars on her back are there because..." I swallow another lump in my throat. "Because I put them there." I gritted my teeth.

"River." He put his hand on my nape. "It was your job. You can't blame yourself for doing your job, but I think, if you just ignore this. Pretending you can just walk away without closure. You're not doing either of you any favors. You'll both suffer. Now, I can't tell you how to live your life, but you and I both know, the way things are now, isn't working. You crossed the line, son. As a ranked member. You need to own that. Maybe, take this as a sign. It was never going to work the way you two were going. Someone, or both of you, were bound to get hurt and it looks like your job right now, is to take care of this like the Alpha you are. Cut her loose, but don't ignore her. You need to face her like a man."

My dad's words stung. Drove the knife in my heart deeper. But, fuck, if he isn't right. I can't just continue ignoring Anna. If I'm breaking it off with her, I need to tell her. Face her. See the pain I cause her. That's my punishment.

I sit up. "Thanks. You're right. I can't ignore this."

"Go talk to her, son. Tell her what she needs to hear."

I swallow. "Yeah." I stand up and head back to room. I go in, step over all the broken shit and flop on my bed.

I'll talk to her tomorrow. Right now, I've been a fucking zombie for a week and need sleep. Sleep replaces me quickly.

****

Sunday morning, I have a few texts from Blade and Zeke asking if I'm ok. I completely lie and say I'll be in on Monday.

I'm dead inside. I feel like I have nothing now. Not even my title will bring me out of it. Without Anna, my life is worthless. The pain and suffering are nothing like I've ever felt before. Like a huge chunk of my heart is completely obliterated.

I'll spend the rest of my life suffering in hell as long as I spare Anna one minute of being afraid of me and what I'm capable of. I'm a fucking monster. I don't deserve a woman like her. She needs an Alpha that will lay his own life down before even thinking of hurting a hair on her head. She needs a hero. Not a coward.

And I'm going to tell her that.

I wait patiently at her front door. I heave a big breath when I hear quiet steps and the door slowly opens.

She’s been crying. The salty scent is all over her face. Her eyes are puffy. No makeup. Hair somewhat a mess. She’s wearing track pants and tank. Seeing her like that makes me want to fold. I want to crumble at her feet, but I can’t.

Even with all that, she's fucking stunning. My breath hitched as I absorb her beauty. Her beautiful amber eyes filled with sadness.

"Hi." She squeaks. She tries to fix herself up and I put a hand up telling her to not worry about that.

I fight a smile. "Can I come in?" I say in a stern yet respectful voice.

She swallows. She steps out of the way and waves me into the house.

As I step inside, I almost forgot how much I actually loved being here with her.

She shuts the door. "Um...You want a drink?"

I nod. She goes to the kitchen and brings back a coffee. She hands it to me. Our fingers touch and it actually pains me.

I motion for her to sit down on the couch. I take a seat on the other couch.

I stare at my coffee. The silence is deafening.

She looks at me with that pain in her eyes I was trying to avoid. "River, I'm..." She starts but I cut her off.

"I know what you're going to say. That you're sorry. That you won't do it again. I get that. That's good. I don't want to see that happen again, but I'm not here to talk about that."

She glances at me. "What are you here for?" She squeezes her mug.

I set my cup down and lace my fingers together as I lean on my knees. "I think you know."

I can almost see her heart break. She bites her lip and nods. She’s holding back her tears. Little does she know; I've been fighting back tears from the moment I laid eyes on her.

"We can't work anymore, Anna. Not now. This is not good for either of us. This week proved that. Me being forced to..." I can't say the words. "I can't do it. I'm sorry."

A tear rolls down her cheek. “I was confused at first, but I understand. You need to put your job first. You can’t have a relationship get in the way."

"I'm glad you understand. I didn't want to do this, but I have no choice. Things are different now." I tap my fingers together and side eye her. I’m hoping I’m hiding my emotions well enough.

She nods again as a couple more tears fall. Each one gutting more than the last.

"I'm sorry, Anna." I get up and head for the door.

She stands. "River?" I turn to her, watching her wring her hands. Her breath hitches. "I'm sorry too." More tears fall.

I shut my eyes. She too painful to look at. I turn and open the door. I shut it behind me.

I put my hands on my hips and raise my head. I blow out a breath as a tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away and head to my car to drive out of her life forever.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. To not give in. I was going to tell her how she didn't deserve me, but I could already see in her eyes, that she was sacrificing herself for my happiness. I wasn't having it. I won't allow her to live in fear of me. So, if I have to look like an asshole, I will. If I have to leave her thinking she is causing this, I will. Just to save her from me. I may have not been able to protect her from the pain I gave her then, but I sure as fuck will protect her from any future pain and anguish. It's the least I can do.

She'll move on. Get over it. She'll never have to relive the memory of that day every time she wakes up. She'll never have to feel her scars and look at me with blame in her eyes. She'll never have to hide her feelings toward me. Never have to doubt. Never have to fear. Never have to feel like she's walking on eggshells around me. Never again. She'll move on to someone who will treat her like the queen she is.

I'm not sure I will though.

Anna was my life. My future. My everything. She made everything right. She made everything fall into place. The world looked brighter with her in it. Now, it's dark. Cold. Hungry for revenge. Like a giant wrecking ball fell from the sky and smashed everything.

It will never be the same. Never again. The sacrifice I just made has ruined my life. And I'm to blame for it.

I pull into the pack house driveway. Blade's truck is here.

I get out and head in.

Blade and Zeke are sitting on the couch. They brought a couple of six packs.

Blade stands and gives me a side clap. "Hey. There he is." He chuckles.

I give a half smile. "Hey, guys. What's up?"

Zeke arches a brow. "What's up? What's up with you? You've been M.I.A for a week dude. You ok?"

I grab a beer and twist the cap. Throwing the cap back in the box. "I told you I'm fine." I take a swig.

Blade is leaned back, his elbow resting on the back of the couch and his forehead on his fingers. "You look like shit, buddy. You're not fine."

I sink into a couch. "That obvious, huh?"

Zeke nods. "Yep. What's going on?"

I take another mouthful of beer. "I broke up with Anna."

Blade sits up and leans on his knees. "What? Are you fucking kidding me? Why?"

Zeke leans on his knees too. "Dude, you were so in love with her. What gives?"

I shake my head. "I couldn't do it. I could look at her after what I did. I fucking hurt her. I'd rather her not be with me, then have her afraid I might hurt her again. I can't live with her having doubts or.... or...blaming me in some way.” I take a drink to try and calm the lump in my throat.

Blade sighed. "Is that why you took off?"

I nod. "I'm a fucking dirt bag. I don't deserve her anymore."

Zeke tried to replace my eyes. "River. You're not to blame for this. What you did was you're job. Nothing more, nothing less. You disciplined a recruit...."

"She's not a recruit, Zeke!" I snapped. "She was the fucking love of my entire life and I fucking beat the shit out of her! All because I had to do my fucking job! Now that fucking........." I swallow the tears that are threatening to flow. "....that damn angel has to live with the scars that I FUCKING PUT THERE!!" I put my head in my hands, scrubbing the back of my neck. I'm heated and angry. My emotions are on a hair trigger.

Blade sat on the edge of the couch. "Look man, we get it, ok. You're feeling guilty. But you didn't beat her. You're not some lowlife that hits women. I get you feel like that, but this isn't a case of abuse. Anna...She knows she did wrong. She apologized to me, for fuck sake. She's feels horrible about it. She doesn't blame you."

Tears fall as I hold my head. "She doesn't, but I do." My breath hitches. "I could've just kicked her out. Did anything else..." I sit up wiping my face of tears. "Fuck." I grab a fresh beer, open it and down half of it.

Zeke drops his empty in the box and grabs another. "Man, you did what you had to do. You know this. If you didn't, Stevens would've questioned your leadership and that would have opened a whole mess of things. Playing favorites. Showing special privilege. Doesn't sit well with him."

"Yeah, I know." I swig my beer. "Which is why it's better this way. With Anna as far away from me as fucking possible." I drink my beer again.

Blade replaces his empty with a fresh one. "Well, what are you going to do now?"

I shrug. "Keep on keeping on, I guess. What else can I do. As long as she's with you, I won't have to see her as much. I'll still train her, but there is no more us."

"You know that's just torturing yourself, right?" Blade arched a brow.

I sigh. "Yep."

And it will be. To even get a hint of Anna everyday will be like a thousand spears stabbing me over and over, but I'll take it. As long as the pain I saw in her face will never be there again.