The Howl
: Chapter 19

I jerked away from him even as his hands closed around my arms.

“No need to be testy,” he said, maintaining his grip. “Is that your mom?”

I followed his gaze and saw Mom pacing toward the car. She had her phone to her ear and looked like she was arguing with someone. Probably Adira.

Eras gave me a little shake.

“When did she get into town? It wouldn’t have been last week, would it? Say Thursday?” His grip hardened, bruising my skin, as he pulled me closer. “Did your bitch mom steal my food, Eliana?”

I laughed, a low sound that didn’t seem to belong to me.

“Forget your lost meal, Eras. It’s only the first of many in your pathetic lifetime.”

His gaze went vacant, and his grip loosened. Jerking my arms free, I turned my back on him and headed for my mom.

“We’ve seen the results of your way. Now we try mine.”

Mom’s words made my stomach drop because I had no doubt she was talking about me. She dropped the phone in her purse and watched my approach with a wide smile. My dread climbed higher.

“Good news,” she said. “I’m already working on replaceing you a proper place to learn to feed.”

“A what?”

“Don’t worry. Not here. I know how you feel about feeding where you live, so I spoke to Adira about an outing.”

“No.”

“No?”

“It’s not about where I feed. It’s about who I feed on. I’m not feeding on some stranger.”

“That’s the whole point of going to the city for a while. You’ll cultivate a circle and be able to make your own choices.”

I opened my mouth to reiterate my refusal.

“Enough, Eliana. You’re going. You need to see how it’s really done.”

The fold in my sheet blocked the morning light from my eyes. I stared at the material, watching it move as I breathed without really seeing it. The remnants of dreams filled with cakes and forest couldn’t dispel the feeling of complete destruction from last night’s announcement and the determination in Mom’s gaze.

It was going to happen. Exactly what I’d told her I didn’t want to happen. She was going to take me somewhere that would shred my control. And, unable to resist, I would feed and turn into exactly what I hated. I could already visualize the number of people who would be lying limp on the floor at my feet.

Something inside of me had cracked last night when I’d realized that. Cracked in a bad way.

With everything that had happened in my life of hardships, I’d always had an ability to rise above and make the best of whatever I was handed. But that thing inside me wasn’t right anymore. It was too broken this time. I was too broken. My mind still knew what I needed to do. Get out of bed. Shower. Go to school. I just had no will to carry through with any of it.

The door to my room opened. The whisper of footsteps and the soft rustle of material gave away who it was. Mom.

Her movement stopped, and I listened to the rasp of a window sliding closed before the mattress dipped and her hand smoothed back my hair.

“Morning, baby. Did you decide not to go to school today? It’s past seven.”

“There’s no point to school,” I said, impassively.

“I agree completely.” She patted my shoulder. “You go ahead and rest. Tonight’s going to be a big night for you.”

She kissed my cheek then left the room.

How could I hate and love someone so much at the same time?

I lifted myself out of bed and threw some clothes on. Warm pants. A sweater. Then, I grabbed my overnight bag and packed an extra set of clothes. After using the bathroom, I left.

Mom didn’t come out of her room. Based on the music, she was already having breakfast.

Mrs. Quill looked up from her coffee in the dining room as I proceeded to the kitchen.

“Are you going somewhere, Eliana?” she called, noting the bag.

I didn’t answer.

The car was cold, and I shivered for the first few minutes as I drove out of town, trying to remember the turns. It took me a few tries to replace the road that led to the hot springs cave. However, the drive out there didn’t take nearly as long as wandering through the trees, looking for the crystalized snow. My feet were completely numb by the time I found the clearing. I stripped my outer layers of clothing and stuffed them in the bag.

Barefoot, I made my way inside the caves, sliding my hand against the cold, damp walls. The warm air enveloped me, but it didn’t dispel the bone-deep chill from the walk. My teeth chattered, and my feet ached as I made my way deeper into the darkness.

Letting my memory guide me, I ignored the first pool and kept going until I found the pool Fenris and I had used previously. It took time to replace the torch and even more to figure out how to light it. When the flames finally did light the space, I looked around at the oasis with a numb sort of detachment.

How could this nothingness inside of me still hurt so much?

Leaving my bag, I stripped from my shirt, ignoring the soft glow from the line on my stomach, and slid into the waiting pool.

The hot water soothed me, stripping away my emotional numbness to let the tears flow. It wasn’t a pity party. It was a farewell to the remaining innocence I’d clung to far longer than most. That shred of virtue wasn’t in the form of my virginity, though that added to it. It was my inexperience. The things I’d managed not to do so far. The things Mom would ensure I did tonight. Things that would save me in her mind but damn me in mine.

I didn’t know how to come to terms with that, which is why I came to the hot springs. To see if there was some way to replace peace with all of it. So I let the waters drain me of tears and whatever other emotions bubbled up. When I grew too warm, I left the pool and lay on the rocks.

That’s how he found me.

I couldn’t be sure how I knew he was there, standing in the shadows of the tunnels, but I turned my head and found him watching me. His sad brown gaze held mine.

“You worried me,” he said, stepping forward and squatting down beside me.

I reached out and touched the jeans covering his knee. He didn’t wear anything else, and I knew what that meant. He’d run here in his fur and put on the only clothes he had because he knew what I wanted. What I feared. And he respected it. And me. Why couldn’t all the people in my life be as considerate as Fenris?

“Sorry I worried you,” I said, letting my hand fall. “I just needed to get away.”

“Your mom and Mrs. Quill called my dad to replace you. They think you’re trying to run off.”

I snorted.

“Without my mark, I’m trapped in Uttira. Where do they think I could go?”

He shrugged.

“They lost Ashlyn, so I think they’re afraid you found a way.”

I thought of Ashlyn with a pang of regret and a pinch of hopelessness. The druids hadn’t contacted me. Fenris’s father obviously hadn’t found anything, or Mom and Mrs. Quill wouldn’t be so worried. Ashlyn’s disappearance was another piece of my life where I had no control, and I hated that.

“I wish I could vanish like Ashlyn.”

Fenris brushed some wet hair back from my face then scooped me into his arms, settling me comfortably on his lap. My hunger stirred, but I ignored it and leaned against his chest, accepting the embrace.

“They’re making it really hard to not give up,” I admitted. “I keep trying to come up with a silver lining, but I think I’m out. Instead of focusing on replaceing Ashlyn, Mom and Adira are plotting my début trip to New York.”

“Haven’t you been there already?”

“Not to feed.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” I sighed and lifted my hand, setting it on Fenris’s chest, right over his heart. I could feel the steady pulse under my palm. What would it take to make his heart beat for me? With Fenris’s resistance, it would probably be impossible. But with humans…

“I’ll steal them all. The heart of every man and woman I come near. I’ll feed. I’ll be powerful. And I’ll hate myself.”

“Why?” he asked. “You are what you are. You’re not bad. You can’t choose how you eat.”

“Can’t I? I was doing fine before Mom got here. I know Adira didn’t think so, but I was feeding and okay with it. Well, not okay with it, but I was managing. I just want Mom to go back to New York and things to go back to the way they were. But Mom and Adira both have it in their heads that I was dying. Starving.” I lifted my head to look at him. “Do I look starving to you?”

Fenris’s gaze held mine for a long, silent moment.

“You’ve never looked starving, but I don’t see you with just my eyes, Eliana.”

I stared at him for a moment as his words sunk in.

“What are you saying? That I am sick?”

He pulled me against his chest again and held me close, rubbing his hand up and down my arm like he was trying to give me all the comfort in the world. However, instead of feeling comforted, I was feeling terrified. I knew his answer before he spoke it.

“Yeah,” he said. “You are sick. But I think you’re getting better. And, without their help.”

I thought of the reflections I’d glimpsed of myself in the mirror. Although the last version of me had still looked unwell, she’d appeared a little better. Barely. Was that the real me? The succubus me?

“You’re stronger than they give you credit for,” he added.

I pulled out of his arms and sat beside him, needing space to think. Or, rather, to try to comprehend this new view of my life. Was I really starving? And if so, why did my reflection seem better when I was eating less? I hadn’t fed since stealing Eras’s meal, and that was almost a week ago.

“If you thought I was sick, why didn’t you tell me?”

“You weren’t ready to hear it.”

“I doubt anyone is ready to hear there’s something wrong with them.” I struggled not to be angry with him as my thoughts collided. How many times had I fought against Adira’s insistence that I feed? Would I have taken her insistence more seriously if I’d known? Would I have done something differently? I doubted it. I didn’t feel sick. Not then and not now.

“Why do I look fine if I’m starving?” I asked.

He shrugged slightly.

“That might be something to ask your mom when you go back.”

I leaned my head against the stone wall and watched the steam move in the torchlight. He didn’t say if I go back, but when, because we both knew there was nowhere else for me. Like I’d pointed out, I was trapped.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, more to myself than Fenris.

“If you don’t want to go to New York, don’t.”

I snorted.

“Right. That’ll fly.”

“Have you told your mom what you told me? That you’ll hate yourself once you feed like she does?”

I thought back to all of the conversations I’d had with my mom. While I’d strongly hinted at it, I didn’t think I’d ever come out and said it as bluntly as I had with Fenris.

“I’m not sure,” I admitted.

“Then don’t wait for my dad to replace you and drag you home. Face her on your own terms, and tell her what you really feel.”

I turned my head to look at him.

“The fallout is going to be catastrophic,” I said. “She’ll take what I’m saying to mean that I would rather die than be like her.”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?” he asked softly. “Slowly dying because you’re trying not to be like her? Maybe if she knows the problem, she can help replace a solution. Talk to her. See if there’s another way to feed.”

“Fine.”

We left the caves, but rather than going straight home, Fenris drove us to his cabin. My teeth chattered the whole way, part of the reason he’d insisted on driving and the cabin.

“Are you going to let me carry you?” he asked when we reached the end of the road.

“N-nope. You already h-had your daily affection. T-too much will go to your h-head.”

“Doesn’t count. I didn’t hug you back,” he said with a grin.

I rolled my eyes and got out of the car. We both knew that was a lie. He’d definitely hugged me. Maybe not at the same time I hugged him, but it didn’t matter. I knew if I gave in now, it would become a game with him. For whatever reason, Fenris was a very touchy-feely kind of person.

He led the way to the cabin, glancing back at me constantly. I tried not to begrudge the steam rolling off his exposed torso. Or stare at all the muscled flesh on display. Thankfully, I had enough to distract me.

With my wet hair, I couldn’t keep myself warm enough; and my teeth were clicking together with increasing force. I didn’t lie and try to tell him I was fine. I was freezing and wanted to get inside quickly. However, I didn’t give in and ask for help, either.

When the small building came into sight, Fenris jogged ahead. I entered a minute later to the crackle of a fire just getting started. Using my hip, I closed the door and shuffled to the chair.

“You never said. After the last time I was here, did anyone replace this place?” I asked.

“Nope. It’s still my secret hideout from the ladies,” he said with a grin. “Well, the rest of the ladies. Do you want something to drink or eat?”

My hunger lifted its head, and I glanced away from him as he straightened.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you.”

He sighed.

“We’ve already established the opposite. There’s no need to be polite about it.” He claimed the chair near mine. “Have you ever considered feeding from me?”

My eyes nearly popped from my head as I turned to look at him. He chuckled.

“The idea shouldn’t be that shocking. It’s not like I’m suggesting sex,” he said. “You said I smell good, and we’ve proven that I don’t turn into a Eugene junior when you hug me. What if I’m like Mrs. Quill, and you could feed from me without any issues?”

I was shaking my head before he finished.

“Oh, there would be issues, Fenris. Lots of issues. Your resistance to me is hypothetical, and I don’t ever want to test it. It wouldn’t be safe.”

He studied me for a moment then looked at the flames.

“Fine. But if Mrs. Quill is immune, others could be as well. You should ask your mom that, too. I don’t like the idea of you going hungry.”

I reached over and patted his hand that was resting on the arm of his chair.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. Once my hair dries, I’ll talk to Mom like you suggested. If she reacts like I think she will, I’ll be feeding on humans in New York tonight.”

Saying it made me feel dead inside. I really hoped Fenris was right and Mom would listen.

“And if she accepts what you say, will you go back to feeding from Mrs. Quill?”

The immediate surge of resentment I felt at the idea worried me. Would I be able to go back to feeding that way? I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to forgive her abandonment of me.

I walked into the house, struggling between my desire to turn around and leave again and my need to reclaim my life. Fenris’s parting words helped bolster my courage and kept me moving forward.

“Go show them how strong you really are,” he’d said. “And when you’re done making them cry, I’m here for as many hugs as you need.”

I pressed the intercom and listened to the click of it echo through the house.

“Mom, I’d like to speak to you in the kitchen, please.”

Releasing the button, I claimed a seat at the island and waited. The location was strategic. She would need to come to me, not the other way around. And it was close to my car if I needed to take off again.

The thought had barely left me when the door to the garage opened.

“Hello, Eliana,” Adira said.

I frowned at her.

“What were you doing in the garage?”

“Oh, last week, I noticed your paint had some heat damage. I haven’t had a chance to address it. When I saw you come, I took the opportunity.”

“You fixed it?”

“No, I transported the car to someone who can.”

“You took my car?”

It didn’t matter that I hadn’t paid for it or that she’d been the one to give it to me. It was my car. My only means of escaping this house not on foot.

“Only for a few days. You won’t even miss it.”

I strove to replace the words to adequately convey my hate of her manipulative nature. Before what I felt could spill forward, Mom walked in.

“Baby, you had us all worried,” she said, coming to me and giving me a tight hug. She pulled back to look at me.

“You’re shaking.”

“Yeah. I’m angry.” I pulled out of Mom’s arms. “Adira took my car.”

Mom glanced at Adira then back at me.

“She said it was damaged and that she wanted to fix it. I didn’t think you’d mind since we plan to be out of town for a few days.”

“A few days?”

I closed my eyes and took a calming breath. Losing my cool now wouldn’t help me.

When I opened my eyes again, Mom was watching me with concern.

“Do I have any choice?” I asked. “At all? I’m given what to wear. Told how to behave. Now, I’m being forced to feed. Forced when you promised you would never force me.”

“Sweetie, I’m not going to force you. I’m taking you to New York to show you how I feed in the real world. Feeding in Uttira is like fishing in a barrel. I can understand why you replace it repulsive.”

“No, you don’t understand. I’m repulsed by what we do to the humans we feed from. Not during, but after. We ruin their lives, Mom. Erasing their memories doesn’t make it better. Go watch any of your playthings from this past week and see what they’re doing now.

“They’ll be moving around like normal, but something will be off. And if you’re brave enough to ask them, they’ll tell you they don’t know what’s wrong. That they feel like they’re missing something. Something important. Something big. Something life-changing. They’ll be missing you, Mom. You. And you aren’t even thinking of them. It doesn’t go away. For the rest of their lives, they’ll be craving you, unhappy in any relationship because it’s not you. And they won’t even understand why.

“I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want to make slaves of humans.”

Mom gently squeezed my arms.

“Baby, it’s not like that. We bring humans more pleasure than they can possibly achieve on their own. It’s a magical experience. One they would give anything to repeat. Of course, they’re going to miss that and want it back.”

“Human addicts miss cocaine, too. That doesn’t mean it’s good for them.”

She cupped my face.

“Baby, listen to me. We are not a drug. We are gifts waiting to be given to those who are worthy. I promise you’ll see that in New York.”

I stared at her as my anger and resentment shriveled into a ball of numb acceptance.

“Fine. Take me, then. Show me how to feed and watch my self-loathing deepen. I hate what I am, and I hate what you want me to do. And if it’s a choice between hurting others or hurting myself, I’d rather starve.”

I pulled from her hands and started to leave the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” Adira asked.

I turned back to look at her. She hadn’t moved during my conversation with my mother.

“My room. Or am I not allowed that small freedom anymore?”

“Of course you are,” Mom said. She looked at Adira. “Bring her car back or replace her another one while hers is being repaired. She’s not a prisoner.”

I left them both, no longer caring about the car. Adira had proven her point. She controlled me. Mom might not see it yet, but she would eventually. And, it would probably be right after Adira had manipulated her into forcing me to feed.

Closing my door behind me, I paced my room and paused to look at myself in the mirror. If only Adira hadn’t been the first one in the kitchen. Her presence and the removal of my car had doomed any chance of a rational exchange with my mom. One where I would have had the chance to ask about the odd reflections I’d glimpsed or ask if there were other races I could safely feed from.

The murmur of voices in the hall drew me to my door.

“Every time I listen to you, I get more push back from her. I’m done. Return the car or I will replace it myself. I have nothing better to do with my evening than wander Uttira looking for it. Do we understand each other?”

“I understand you very well, Nicolette,” Adira said. “Try not to forget that I’m the reason you’re here.”

The intercom clicked, and Mrs. Quill’s voice rang out, asking Adira to come to the study immediately.

“Awful bitch,” Mom muttered before her door closed.

I opened my door and debated which was more pressing. Speaking to my Mom alone or replaceing out what had Mrs. Quill calling for her sister in such a worried tone?

Mrs. Quill and my fear for Ashlyn won. I ran quietly down the hall and stopped by Mr. Quill’s office door. At first, I couldn’t make out what was being said. Then a voice, angry and female, came through clearly.

“Enough,” Megan said sharply.

“We acknowledge that you were unable to sense his wickedness, but that doesn’t absolve us of our obligation to determine what he is planning to do with all that life energy,” Adira said.

“From now until the end of time, Oanen belongs to me,” Megan said, her voice ringing with the full power of a fury. “Any task he chooses to perform on behalf of the Council, he does with me at his side. And since I have spent time with Zayn Sias and have found him to be completely without any trace of wickedness, I will not waste my time tracking him down. Casting spells with life energy is not against the laws of Mantirum or mankind. Your persistence in replaceing the druid seems unusually driven. I think, perhaps, I would like to question you about that as well as your insistence in naming Nicolette Barchim guilty of a crime she was proven not to have committed.”

I grinned and pressed my cheek closer to the wood.

“We understand your warning,” Adira said. “Congratulations on your ascension, Fury.”

“Thanks, Adira. We’ll see you soon.”

“Soon?” Adira said, letting her panic show. “What do you mean?”

There was a pause then someone swore.

“We cannot afford to have her return,” Mr. Quill said. “Not yet.”

“No, you’re right,” Adira agreed. “Everything would be chaos if she returned now.”

I smirked at the fear in Adira’s voice. It was about time she realized she couldn’t push everyone around.

“Is there any word from Raiden on the missing human, Ashlyn?” Mrs. Quill asked.

“Nothing,” Adira said. “We have a choice to make. Employ a druid to attempt a locator spell or let the Fury start questioning people when she returns.”

“You know what will happen if she goes out seeking the wicked here,” Mr. Quill said. “Many of our young will die because of mistakes made in ignorance or plain stupidity.”

“What do we do, then?” Mrs. Quill asked.

“If we can’t replace a way to stall her, we encourage Megan and Oanen to come here to visit you,” Adira said.

“Here?”

“Nicolette won’t be able to resist a newly mated pair. Hopefully, her hunger will keep them distracted long enough for us to replace the missing girl and spare some innocent lives because I highly doubt whatever happened to Ashlyn was wicked enough for a trip to hell.”

I hurried away from the door, retracing my steps while my mind raced. I’d wanted Megan back for so long that I’d never stopped to think what that might mean. Especially with Mom here and Ashlyn missing. Adira was right in that Mom would have a hard time resisting a new couple’s lust. But more than that, what would a new fury think about a best friend who illegally hired underage druids?

In my room, I lay on my bed and wondered how I’d deal with this new problem. Outside, the light gradually faded.

A cool breeze caressed my cheek a moment before lips pressed against my skin.

“My sweet girl,” Mom said.

“Is it time to go already?” I said, forcing myself to sit up. “What do you want me to wear?”

She made a sound between upset and annoyed at my toneless questions.

“She really has broken your spirit, hasn’t she?” Mom asked.

“Who?”

“Adira.”

I shrugged.

“She doesn’t ever work alone.”

Mom took my hand in hers.

“We’ll skip New York tonight and wait a few days until you’re ready,” she said.

“A few days won’t change how I feel, Mom. I know how to feed, or are you forgetting the month I spent with you on our way here? Why do you think I wanted to stay here alone with the Quills so badly? I don’t like your version of feeding. I was fine before you came here.”

“You weren’t fine, sweetie. You were dying.”

“But I’m not anymore, right?”

“It’s hard to say. Yes, you seem a little better, but for how long when you’re refusing to eat?”

“I’m not refusing to eat. I am forbidden from eating my way.”

“All right then. I propose we meet in the middle. You continue to feed your way, but you give me a chance to show you that my way isn’t as evil as you think it is.”

I thought of feeding off of Mrs. Quill and knew I couldn’t go back to that. But Fenris had brought up a good point. There had to be others.

“Okay,” I said.

She kissed my cheek and left me alone, feeling like I’d just made a deal with the devil.