Alissa's POV

I stared at the unknown and all that I could here was the ticking of the clock on the wall and the sound of the AC.

I was just sitting down on the bed.

I don't even know how long I've been in this state.

I'm alive but I was dead inside.

I lost the reason to live when I lost my little one.

My Reeva.

It's all my fault. If only I had fought better. If only I had stayed in the Palace that morning.

Then, I would've been safe and Reeva would be safe in my womb.

Tears streamed down my face again. The tears quietly flowing down my face.

Then, the door to the room opened but I did not dare look.

"Ali..." it was Luke's voice.

I couldn't even look at him.

"Your highness"

I still didn't look.

"She hasn't slept for 3 days straight. Can't you do anything?!"

3 days...

"I'm sorry, your highness but we've tried giving the Queen some medicine to help her sleep but her body is not responding to it. We can't administer higher dosages because it will only worsen her highness' condition" "There must be something we can do. She doesn't sleep or eat. At this rate, she's going to kill herself"

I heard the door open again.

"Luke" it was aunt Livi's voice.

"Mom"

TW // Suicide

I felt empty inside. Nothing else mattered to me anymore.

Death?

It's no longer something I feared.

I really couldn't care less if I died.

Maybe that's even better. Maybe I should just die.

I glanced at the door and after a long time, I finally stood up.

I slowly walked to the door and locked it.

Then, I glanced at the bathroom door and I walked over to the bathroom.

I opened it and went inside.

I looked around looking for something to end my life and I met eyes with my reflection in the mirror.

The dark eye bags, pale lips, messy hair and pale face.

I looked like a mess. I felt like a mess. I am a mess.

My jaw clenched and I punched the bathroom mirror and it shattered.

I looked down at the broken pieces of the mirror and took a sharp piece.

I smiled a little.

Then, I held it with both hands and directed it on my heart.

I'm coming with you, Reeva.

"Alissa!"

I was about to do it when suddenly, the sharp mirror piece was snatched from me.

I looked at Luke and he looked shocked.

My brows furrowed as I looked at him.

"Give it back" I demanded.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Luke screamed at me.

I just looked at him for a moment.

"I said give it back" I said and tried taking the mirror piece again but Lukr stepped back.

"What the fck, Alissa? Are you out of your ghad damn mind?!" he hissed at me.

I clenched my fists as my eyes watered with tears while I look at him.

"Give it back. Reeva is waiting for me" I said.

I watched as Luke's expression immediately changed and a tear fell from my eye.

"Ali..." he said.

"Give it back" I said again as I stepped forward.

Luke threw it behind him and I glared at him.

Even before I could get it, Luke held onto me.

"Let me go!" I screamed as I tried to get out of his hold.

"Leave me alone! I want to be with my child! Let me go!" I shouted as I kept hitting Luke but he didn't budge.

I cried as I shouted to be let go.

Then, hospital staff came and I had to be restrained.

I cried as I was put back in my bed and was held down by nurses.

I was like that for some time until I suddenly blacked out.

When I woke up, I was still in the hospital room.

I bit my lower lip and sighed then I pushed myself to sit up and looked around to see Luke sleeping by the side of my bed.

I just looked at him for a while.

Then, he suddenly woke up and looked at me and our eyes met.

"Ali" he said and tried to touch me but I retracted my hand.

Luke sighed.

"You were out for more than 24 hours" he said.

24 hours.

"Alissa, you can't keep doing this to yourself" Luke said but I only looked at the wall again.

"You can't make yourself suffer like this. It's not your fault" he said.

I scoffed.

"Alissa, listen to me" he said and sat in front of me.

"Wherever our child is right now, they're safe and happy and looking after us and I don't think Reeva will like it if they replace out about you doing this to yourself" he said.

"Safe? Happy? Do you think that Reeva wouldn't be happier with us?" I said.

"Alissa, that's not what I meant" Luke said.

"It is my fault that she's gone. If I didn't take a walk that day, I wouldn't have been in the woods. I would have been safe in the Palace. We would have been safe in the Palace and Reeva would still be alive. Reeva would have been safe and well. So it is my fault. It's my fault that Reeva is gone. Our child is dead because of me"I said and tears streamed down my face as I said it.

"No, Alissa. You didn't know. No one could've known what was going to happen that day. It's not your fault. It's the culprits' fault. They killed our child, not you. I know that. We know that. Why do you keep blaming yourself like this? You would never put our child in harm's way so why do you keep doing this to yourself?" he said as tears fell down from his eyes as well.

I bit my lower lip.

"I don't know" I sobbed and hugged Luke.

I felt so helpless and confused.

I just miss my baby so much.

Luke held me for a while until I was too tired to cry.

After that, Luke attempted to make me eat only to fail.

I got more IV fluids and I went back to the same state that I was in before.

I was staring at the wall.

Luke stayed beside me trying to talk to me only to be ignored.

I didn't want him to suffer taking care of me but I also did not have any motivation to do anything.

I just feel empty and in pain.

I still can't process it no matter what I do.

My baby is gone.

My baby was killed.

Taken away from me.

From us.

A single tear fell from my eye again.

Then, someone knocked and came in.

It was Lucas.

Luke went to him and they talked about something then Luke sighed and looked back at him.

"Can you get Ali's mom. I don't want her to be alone" he said.

Lucas nodded.

Luke went back beside me.

"Ali, I need to go out and deal with something. Your mom is coming to stay with you while I'm gone. Please wait for me to come back, okay?" he said.

I didn't respond.

Luke sighed.

He waited for a few minutes until my mom came.

Then, Luke leaned in and gave me a kiss on the side of my head.

"I'll be back as soon as I can" he said and he left with Lucas.

My mom quietly sat beside me.

"Ali?" she called out my name.

"Sweetheart" she said as her voice broke.

My heart squeezed inside my chest.

It was even more heartbreaking to hear my mom's voice.

I wish I could console her but I was already too drained.

I had nothing left in me to give to anyone.

"My sweet Alissa..." she said ans started sobbing.

Tests streamed down my face as my mom cried.

"I failed to protect you again" she sobbed.

"I failed you again. I'm sorry" she said.

She kept apologizing and blaming herself saying she failed me.

I wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault but I just couldn't bring myself to converse with anyone.

It was like I was locked inside my own body.

That's how it felt.

Wanting to do something but you can't seem to do it.

My mom eventually stopped crying and she just held my hand.

We were both quiet for a while until my mom started humming.

For the first time I tilted my head and looked at her.

She sadly smiled at me as she hummed.

My eyes watered with tears.

Then, I hummed with her.

The same hum that my dad used to sing to me as a child.

I remember humming it to Reeva as well.

"You know what?" she said softly.

"I think that by now, Reeva is with your dad" my mom told me.

It was like another realization to me.

I bit my lower lip and hugged my mom.

Then, the tears continued.

For the first time since I woke up, I felt like a temporary weight was lifted off me.

I closed my eyes.

If what my mom said was true, then I'm relieved that my baby is atleast with someone who I know will care.

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