You Saved Me Once Book 1
Chapter 41: 25I Don’t Know Why

Life after I fucked up everything, again. I'm back to living more lies, back to memories from the past that make me sick to my stomach. Back to smiling, behind the tears. Back to, the red room to develop my secrets. Back to, avoiding food.

All because, of Hayes.

He wasn't to blame, I choose to feel this way. Because I can't hate him, I blame Hayes, for loving him too much.

Hayes knows I love him, or he should. I know kissing him was wrong, for more than one reason. I knew he was with Rochelle and did it anyways. It was the secret that I was keeping, that made what I did, ever worse. It would make Hayes's reaction small. It would make me, sick.

Our lips have met before, but that was a different time.

I feel gross again.

That night when Hayes went to Shiloh Ridge, I wanted to fol-low him. I wanted to drive around that town, in his car and replace him. Make sure he was okay, even though I knew he wasn't. I wanted to hold him, I wanted him to hold me like when we were younger. I wanted him to rub my back and make me feel better.

He'll never do that again. I most-likely, won't see him ever again.

It's been weeks, and his car that I parked out front for him, hasn't moved. Hayes hasn't come back to Versa yet, he might never come back. It took him 3 years for me to see him again, to hear him again, to hold him again. If he ever comes back, I'll be long gone.

These thoughts are what keep me up at night. These thoughts are what feed the butterflies in my stomach. I feared the worst, with a guilty conscious.

A teacher comes from out of nowhere and wakes me up.

"Alex. Alex, honey." She says.

I was sleeping in the red room at school. I was waiting for my pho-tos to develop.

"Honey, it's time to go home." The teacher says.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"Nine-o-clock at night, sweetie." Her voice was soft.

I didn't like her calm voice, it was too similar, to my mothers.

I leave school, and drive home.

A lot has changed in such short time. After I kissed Hayes, I talked to Rochelle.

I wasn't going to tell her about the kiss, of course. I keep too many secrets, to even let one out. Even if it's Rochelle.

So, after a week or so, I stopped

going to her parties. I stopped

talk-ing to her in school, and out of

school. I lied and told her I had to

work on college stuff, when really, I felt too guilty to be around her.

There was Jeff. When he recovered, he texted me, but I never responded.

I feel so isolated, again.

It feels like Christmas again, but without the music, without the lights, just the muted laughs, and the freezing cold. I'm so cold, without Hayes.

I'm too blue. More sad memories come to me.

A week after she passed. It was

green, red and gold all over. It felt et

blue, grey, and cold though. All of the siblings were together, but we were too sad to celebrate the holiday.

We tried drowning the mood with Christmas music, we tried open-ing presents. Nothing was working.

It was just cold, and minimal warmth from the fireplace.

Mostly cold casseroles by our older neighbors next door fill, our fridge Even though our fridge was filled with food from others, from the funeral. Jack orders two pizzas for us

We sit in the living room and eat in silence. I love pizza now, because Hayes loves pizza. He came to her funeral, and I saw him. I haven't seen him in, 3 years. Hearing his voice on the phone when he called me on Christ-mas, gave me warmth. He said he'd move back to Versa next month for me.

When the New Year rolled around, there was no Hayes.

All there was, was our neighbors' cold casserole again.

He wasn't coming back to Versa. Even when I needed him the most.

It felt like Christmas again. I needed to hear Hayes's voice to keep me warm now. I needed to tell him the truth. I needed to tell him why I liked pizza so much back then. But Hayes wasn't coming back. This time I think, for good.

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