45 Days With You
Chapter 9 (#I will replace him. . . )

I tried not to think anything else, of what we had been talking since I've been sorry to him. All too well, he said it's good but that's not even good for me.

That's not appropriate for my attitude, I know I'm rude for that time, so, I'm well deserved to say sorry to him.

We were talking about other stuff. He told me that he has a crush, then I asked him who is she, but he didn't want me to know. He only gave some of the clue but I think that's not what I think. I think that I'm that girl!

That's not what I meant but all of the aspect he said was I've seen in myself though. I'm so ambitious-if I think that I'm the girl.

Nalumay tuloy ako sa iniisip ko. Parang tanga akong nagiisip dito kung sino tapos wala man lang siyang sinabi na sino. "You'd better if you don't know her."

That was he said before he bid good-bye to me. Nagoverthink tuloy ako sa pinagsasabi niya. He told me that the girl she like is sick, wala namang ibang babae na may sakit at ako iyon.

But I don't know kung bakit ko naisip na ako since I don't have time to see any efforts, any moves, and to see myself dating, kasi wala akong pakialam. My vision only is to keep eye on my parents. Iyon lang din, I don't want to commit commitment because I don't want to hurt other people because of me?

I want to asked him why, but he just left immediately. Mukhang nahiya ata siya dahil sa pinagtapat niya sa akin.

He's 17 naman kaya pwede na siyang makipagmeet. Sa edad kasing ganyan ay gustong madiskubre ang ilang bagay.

Based on what I have learned about the fifth stage of Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development is identity vs. role confusion, and it occurs during adolescence, from about 12-18 years. During this stage, adolescents search for a sense of self and personal identity, through an intense exploration of personal values, beliefs, and goals.

Kaya gaya ng sabi dito, we part of teenager is discovering something new to our environment. A lot of confusion, question in our mind.

Gaya na lamang sa masasagwang ginagawa, I think this is one of the example kaya maraming nabubuntis sa katitikim nila at pagdidiskubre ng bago.

So normal lang na magkaroon ng crush, kahit sino ang tatanungin. Abnormal ka kung wala kang crush o nagugutuhan puna pa nila.

What's wrong with that... having a crush or like is not embarrassing. You just feel it so you need to express not the way you hurt people... you hurt feelings. I, myself never sees in that situation on having a boy crush or like. All my life revolves with this aparatus and this empty room. The only one I have is my family and friends I never thought that this would be too hard for me.

Minsan nga hindi ko nakita na may nagustuhan. Maybe, because I'm just here... I never went out, minsan lang iyon. Kaya wala akong interes sa ganun.

"Mommy? Paano mo malalaman kung crush mo ang isang tao?" I asked her.

Nagulat siya sa tanong ko. I don't know if she's just being like that pero hindi siya ganito, may mali lang talaga sa kanya. If I'm not mistaken, she's different from herself. "You have crush?" she asked.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa tanong niya. I don't know if I have pero kung meron nga paano? That's why I asked her kung paano malalaman na nagkakagusto ka na.

"That's why I asked you, Mommy," sagot ko sa kanya.

"Didn't I tell you how I got crush to your, Dad?" tanong niya sa akin.

"Of course you did, but somehow it's your story," sabi ko.

"Yeah, it's simple, if you think about him, if you always happy when he's with you, and when the time that you feel safe because of him," sagot niya. "Your dad did that to me, that's why I have a big crush on him way back then. He's sweet and fragrant, he's handsome but psycho," dagdag pa niya at tumawa pa sa huling sinabi.

"So, you say that, you are the one who fell for dad, first?" tanong ko.

"Hmm... of course your dad, he always stalking me with my social account, and he did floods me reacted on Facebook, not only that we did exchanging conversation, siya iyong nag first mo," sabi ni Mommy proud pa nga. "I chatted him first and I asked why he did floods my account but, then, he didn't answer me about that until he confessed to me personally," nakangiting kwento ni Mommy.

"I didn't know that!" Sabi ko kay Mommy na ngayon ay malaki na ang ngiti sa labi.

"You never ask," sabi niya.

"So? You knew that Daddy is have a big like on you?" tanong ko.

"Oo, ang daddy mo patay na patay sa akin. It's pandemic way back then kaya ang namumuong relasyon namin ay social media ang dahilan. You're daddy always eyeing on me. After the pandamic we always met at the university we've been graduated together," sabi ni Mommy.

"What year it is, Mommy?" tanong ko.

"Year 20** I guess... pero dalawang taon lang naman ang pandemic na 'yun at naagapan rin ito. But, pandemic is not that easy, it's hilarious, pandamic killed a lot of people, I mean a million person in all over the world," sabi ni Mommy. Tinanong ko lang kung paano malalaman kung may crush ka pero ang sagot niya umabot sa year 20**. Siguro hindi pa masyadong ganap ang sistema noon kaya ang tagal bago nawala ang pandemic, but now kahit iyong mga bagong vibrant ay kaagad na nalulunasan dahil sa panibagong teknolohiyang ginagamit.

"Mom?" I called her.

I'm not satisfied to her answer. I want to know more. Kasi baka may crush na pala ako pero hindi ko lang alam.

"Yes, Darling?" she said then smiled. "May baby have a crush?" she asked.

"Of course not! That's why I asked you that, pero kung meron man alam kung hindi ko parin iyon maranasan," malungkot kung dagdag sa sinabi ko.

Every now and then, I only have remaining time to reconcile myself or my being. Kasi iyong mga nararamdaman at nararanasan ko ay salungat sa mga gusto kung gawin.

I already felt the very pain.. 'yung parang papatayin ka nalang sa sakit. I did some chemotherapy and the result still mine. There's nothing wrong about, mas nanaig kasi iyong kagustuhan kong mabuhay noon na pinapaniwala nila sa akin na magtatagal pa ang buhay ko.

If the cat have 9 lives, ganun din ang tao, hindi lang buhay ang meron tayo pero iyang 9 na pagsubok na susubukan kang patatagin ng panahon. If you have one, right then, express all the way you wanted to do.

There's always a right time to consider, maybe not this time... nor in other time or tomorrow. You didn't know that it's already in your yesterday, or in your dreams.

"Cheer up, Darling. You don't have to look down yourself, kahit na may dinaramdam ka ngayon pwede mo naman iyon maranasan," she said then pause.

She's right but how could I do the thing if my days are in the particular one, my days are limited and it's has an ending.

"You know mom, why I'm asking this for you?" tanong ko sa kanya. "I want to talk to you normal as I could. 'Yung walang kang inaalala because I've been watching you lately and I observed that you're not in your usual self. I know that you think about my self, but if you felt that way? Huwag mo nang pansinin Mom, I already accepted my defeat... at kahit anong gawin natin o pagbaliktarin natin ang mundo, there's no hope for me. Naghihintay nalang ako ng oras para mawala," I confronted her about what I feel inside.

"Laspiranza," she called my name.

Now I see that she's broken right now. I didn't wish this, though, I didn't dream this too. I might encounter challenges that made me stronger, but the challenge I've taken is not like what I have done. My challenge is a shit, a burden and a disaster.

"Mom, I want to know if how many day I have left in me?" I asked her.

Kahit gusto nang bumiak ng boses ko ay pinili kung pakalmahin ang sarili.

Just like how I used to do when I need to conceal my feelings, to hide my emotions inside me. Isa iyon sa mga kaya kung gawin. If they're tired, I am as well. I fought the battle we're I'm the loser in the first place. Kahit saang angulo, talo ako! "D-Darling," tumutulong luha ni Mommy habang nakatingin sa akin. "A-Are y-you.. t-tired?"

She asked even the answer is yes, I am tired, I am in pain, 'di niyo lang nakikita pero nasasaktan ako.

Nakaramdam kaagad ako ng sakit dahil sa tanong niya. I wanted to tell her that I'm so tired, but I tried, that I'm still hoping for hope they're looking, but in me, still don't have left. Sa lahat wala, imbes na ipararamdam na nasasaktan ako ay ngumiti ako ng mapait sa kanya.

They know how much I'm tired of battling, the battle that I am always lose. But, the word I tried is my lucky one. That's my lucky because I did my battle where I lose but I've tried. Sinubukan ko kahit masakit, nakakawala ng gana, at nakakalunod.

"Talo na ako, Mommy," sabi ko sa kanya.

Gusto ko ring sabayan ang iyak niya but then I felt that there's no need to shed all the tears. I've been that for years and I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of seeing them cry. Pagod ako sa lahat ng nakikita ko.

"You're n-not, y-you win.. win, Laspiranza," she said sobbing. "If m-mommy can do anything, aakuin ko iyang sakit mo...'

She sniffed, hanggang sa humahagulgul na siya ng iyak. I don't know how to say, pinaiyak ko si Mommy dahil sa mga tanong ko.

Sinubukan kung abutin siya pero hindi kaya ng kamay ko. I just watched her cry and nothing came out in my mouth only sobbing a little. Nadala ako sa iyak ni Mommy. She loves me so much..

If I've given a chance to prove my self to her, I'll cherish all in between, all the purpose of life, by pursuing there belonging love, pursuing Self-esteem, and lastly pursuing self-actualization.

Hindi ko namalayan ang oras hanggang sa sabay kaming nakatulog ni Mommy. She's still in her position when I woke up. Nakaakbay lang siya sa kama ko habang gulo gulo na ang buhok.

Hinawakan ko iyon at nilaro, this is better for her. Alam kung pagod na sila pero nandito pa rin sila sa akin. Ganito nila ako kamahal, ganito nito ako pinahahalagahan. Ang hindi ko lang matanggap ay bakit nila ito ginagawa sa akin na wala rin naman akong ibabalik sa kanila kahit isang pagasa?

"I might fight again, Mom... but I wanted to cherish my remaining days here, but pursuing belonging-love, not only my family, or friend but I need to replace the person who can I say I love."

It's time for me to have one before I leave this world empty.

I will replace him.

***