What I Should’ve Said
Chapter 39

Bennett

“Let me do it, Charlie.”

She looks up from where she stands at Summer’s bedside. Her eyes implore mine. She’s uncertain about my request, and I know that’s because the instant my daughter took her last breath, the moment her soul left her body, I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life.

Head bowed and her tiny hands clutched in mine, I stayed at her bedside for hours. I caressed her hair and kissed her fingers and gazed down at her sweet, angelic face, selfishly hoping that a miracle was still possible.

That she hadn’t really left me.

That I hadn’t just lost half of my fucking heart.

I don’t know how long Charlie and Breezy let me stay like that, but eventually, they found a way to get me to walk out of Summer’s bedroom just as Dr. Brock had arrived to make the official pronouncement of death.

“Bennett, why don’t you just pull up a chair and sit by her bed while I—”

“No.” I shake my head again. “I need to do this.”

She’s still hesitant, I can tell by the way she slowly steps back to let me take over, but I know with every cell of my body, with every ounce of love I have for my daughter, I need to be the one to do this.

I need to be the last one to give my sweet Summer a bath.

I take the washcloth from Charlie’s outstretched hand, and I start the process of preparing my baby for her final rest.

I wash her arms and her hands, taking extra time to gaze at her small fingers. I wash her shoulders and her belly. Her legs and her feet, smiling through my tears when I see the glittery pink nail polish on her toes.

I wash her hair, and when I need to reach her back, Charlie helps me gently turn her on her side.

I dry her skin with a fresh towel, and Charlie helps me put a new gown on her body.

Once I’m done, once my Summer is clean, I climb into the bed beside her.

“You are the greatest gift I have ever been given, and the one thing that I will always be most proud of is being your dad,” I whisper into her hair, kissing the top of her head as I stifle the sob that wants to vibrate out of my chest. “I hate that you had to leave me so soon, but I’m so happy you’re no longer in pain. I’m so happy that you’re free from the constraints of a disease you didn’t deserve.”

I take one of her tiny hands in mine, admiring how small it looks within my big one before I hold it against my lips. “Oh, how I’m going to miss your smiles and your giggles and the way you roll your eyes at me when you think I’m being annoying.

“I’m going to miss you being in the studio, telling me to use the color pink, and taking rides in the golf cart. I’m going to miss the way the room brightened the instant you were in it and how the sound of your sweet voice was always music to my ears.” I can barely breathe, but I keep talking. “I’m going to miss you so much, Summblebee.”

My voice chokes on a sob as it barrels out of my lungs. And when tears start to flow unchecked down my face, I wrap Summer into my arms, and I hug her.

I hug her in the way I’ve always craved to hug her but couldn’t.

I hug her like this hug will make up for all of the hugs we missed out on.

I hug her like it’s the first and the last hug I’ll ever give her.

Because it is.

My Summer is gone. But by the grace of God, so is her pain.